The Perfect Hunting Ground

Science tells us (and nature confirms to us) that every animal somehow has to go on a hunting spree for its species to survive. There are different forms of hunting but the sort of hunting I am referring to here is the kind that leads to procreation. For human beings who are supposed to be the most intelligent animals, there is obviously a bit more finesse and smartness involved with the hunting. Occasionally, you will come across a man acting like a real sex hungry gorilla or a woman coming across as a sex starved beast; but overall, human beings are much better at the hunting game.

For the person who has gone weeks or even months without getting a partner or getting laid, you are probably looking at this and wondering whether you are a complete human being especially since I have mentioned that human beings are better at the hunting game. Your stats are not looking too good in the hunting department and you are starting to worry whether or not you will actually get someone to drag to the coital bed. A number of folks have even stared at the section for “relationship status” with a hint of sadness because, well, they were born single and will most likely die single.

This is the part where I come in…

If you have had trouble finding someone to call your own, now is the time for you to smile because I actually have some helpful tips on where you can go to do your hunting. There is a fat chance that if you go to these places, you will end up having someone with whom to exchange endless meaningless and bogus texts in the wee hours or someone to talk to till your android battery complains over and over again because of overcharging. Generally speaking, there is hope even for the hopeless.

Ladies and gentlemen I present the perfect hunting ground.

Off the streets

Many will probably dismiss this before even reading any further because getting a partner off of the streets seems totally desperate and very demeaning. Listen folks, the streets are a perfect hunting ground no matter how classy or well placed in society you may be. If beautiful girls and handsome men walk on the streets, who says you cannot take home one such trophy from near the zebra crossing or around the taxi stage? For ladies all you have to do is wear the right make up, strut your stuff in an organized fashion, say a few words in accented style and who knows, you just might impress another street walker. Men will most likely not want to be seen hitting on you right there on the street but I can guarantee they will want to follow you up so they can see what else you have to offer apart from the juicy behind you are flaunting around on the street. Even though he eventually finds you at the Barclays banking hall, Uhuru Restaurant or on the topmost floor of Workers’ House, the fact is he will have first seen you off the street. For those who are dating, remember the first time you saw your current partner. Was it on the street? If YES – we need your testimony so the rest can see that there is hope on the street.

Woman 1This one might just be looking for a street walker to spot her and you are there being shy

Warning – There are some streets you are better off avoiding because the partners you get from such streets are only for the night and they will require instant cash payments. Also, they come with diseases and infections.

The Restaurant and Bar

I am only saying ‘restaurant and bar’ because ‘bar’ alone might scare off some non-bar-going people. Decent (and indecent people alike) are always out there in the restaurants and bars (again, I can’t just say bar because I know Muslim and born again readers will not take it too well). The truth is, every once in a while, we will all either be seen at a restaurant digging into a favourite dish or seated at the bar counter sipping on a favorite drink. If you are looking for a partner for the night or even for life these are not bad places to look. You could bump into a very worthy Cinderella chilling at the bar counter, sipping on her Smirnoff Black Ice, looking sexy and fingering her phone as she downloads the latest app on her iPhone 5. Such a girl will probably be on the lookout for good looking heavy-wallet-bearing men to make her happy. And NO – she is not a whore! She is just a decent lonely girl of high maintenance levels, that’ all. There is nothing wrong with a girl wanting to be spent on. Of course it makes sense if she is buying herself mineral water and then when someone offers drinks she still orders for mineral water instead of graduating to tequila shots or some expensive drink. Generally speaking, the restaurant or bar is not a bad place to go hunting. Just be sure to have a healthy wallet and a visual appetite for sleazy outfits – especially where the bar is concerned.

Warning – Never ever walk into the bar or restaurant with that other look that says “Hey I’m here to pick up a partner”. You might end up picking a lot more than a partner; you might pick up a big fat bill.

Woman 2If she has just 2 or 3 of her friends drowning bottles, you are screwed!

Abanoonya

I was very recently told that there is this show on Bukedde TV where folks ‘advertise’ their loneliness and receive response from all over the world. Yes the whole world because Bukedde TV is now on DSTV and this is as global as it gets. Now for the person who is not aware about what Bukedde TV is, well, it is only the most watched TV station in the country at the moment – especially for the news. They have a knack of airing the most bizarre, twisted, sick, gruesome and graphic news so naturally human beings are drawn to these stories. If it is not a story about a woman beating up her husband for failing in his conjugal duties, it is a story about a boy nabbed having sex with a goat.

Now,on Saturday nights they usually air this show called ‘abanoonya’ which loosely translates to ‘the ones who are searching’. On this show, they give some lonely individuals a chance to ‘advertise’ what they can offer and what they require form prospective candidates for relationships. I must admit I have not yet personally watched the show because I never really watch TV on Saturday; I am usually occupied almost all day long. That said, thanks to YouTube, I have been able to see a few clips of the ‘abanoonya’. I find the show hilarious and even though the abanoonya are usually serious (it does not get any more serious than giving out your number on national TV) I still fail to see why and how anyone would advertise that they are single unless desperation has kicked in; full gear! But then again, we all have those moments when desperation knows us by first name. One may as well come clean and find ways to cure oneself of the desperation.

Warning – You could end up losing all your educated friends once you feature on this show. Also, you might end up receiving phone calls from all sorts of people including low lifes, robbers rapists and witchdoctors.

Church, Cell and overnight

Places of worship are very good places to find sexual or marriage partners for the obvious reason that this is where both decent and indecent people congregate to attempt to come off as good people.  You will notice I make no mention of the mosques not because there are no good people in the mosques but because in the mosque, there is not much communication (verbal or non verbal) that can go on between the males and females. I once had a crush on a Muslim girl and it got me attending Juma prayers for a couple of weeks – that was a total waste of my time because I never ever laid eyes on her the entire time we were at the mosque. Unless you are an overzealous Imam looking to spread the word to the otherwise hidden and veiled up pretty Hajats, you have no business going to the ladies section. This essentially rules out the mosques. If on the other hand you are a single Christian who goes for cell, mass and overnights, you my friend are treading on a gold mine. To phrase it in the local lingo; you are playing within the answer. Take a seat next to a nice looking guy or lady and start up conversation about how you are spiritually inspired or how you have been sent by the most high to find them. If you spot a potential candidate, do what you have to do to get close; join the church choir if you have to – it is all for a god cause (or at least it should appear). God will reward you two fold.

ChurchYou can never know what blessings await you in the worship team

Warning – Issues of God are not to be messed with so joining the Worship team because you have eyes on the Worship Leader borders on telling lies and even blasphemy so in the event that lightning strikes you or you catch a plague – I shall not be held responsible

The Internet

In the recent past, the internet has taken over in the field of dating and relationships and it has become a real hunting ground of great relevance. Gone are the days when you had to go down to the local store to find an expensive outfit so that you can impress someone on your first date. Today, all you need is Photoshop, Google and an account on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or Google Plus. The internet is usually swarmed with what is now called ‘thirst’. This is simply the urge or desire to get a sexual fix within the shortest time possible. If you have a lot of thirst, taking a stroll on the Twitter streets or scaling around on the Facebook walls might do you some good. You will come across equally thirsty individuals sending out SOS messages at lightning speed. You can either fix each other right away or plan on a real logical date. Either way, the internet is making things easier for you. Gone are the days when you had to endure a 4 hours lecture from the girl’s father before taking her on a date. Today, you just send her a Twitter DM or Facebook inbox message and she will sort herself out with her parents.

Warning – More and more Nigerians are joining the internet and this can only mean one thing – more and more money hungry men are posing as sexy single women. So that beautiful bummy Cleopatra from Twitter might indeed be Ojakufor Ogochukwu Bodmas from Abuja.

There are several other good hunting places including the Taxi Park, High school visitation days, Campus Orientation week events, Rotary Club Charity events, weddings and funerals among others. No one should suffer the lonely coldness of then night all by themselves when there is a prince charming or princess delight out there waiting to be sought out.

And for your weekly dose of inspiration …

“If we act like prey, they’ll act like predators” ― Alyxandra Harvey, My Love Lies Bleeding

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

 

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21 thoughts on “The Perfect Hunting Ground

  1. I disagree with your much of your politics + generalizations, but you can be funny. High 5 for trying to get the dry-loined some action. #teamgetpeoplelaid
    #fightingthegoodfight

    • I can understand your disagreements with my ‘politics’. Actually I’d be shocked if everyone agreed with everything I say. Most of it is really just random jabber. That said, I am honoured that you took some time to read it all the same. Oh and major high five on the #TeamGetPeopleLaid 🙂

  2. A fine ending to a meaningless Monday…with no prospects of getting laid so far. Looks like I am not alone in making it to cells and Watoto Church events with shady reasons. About the internet thingy, I find it impossible to spot out prey on those grounds.

    • Don’t give up hope Bro. Tomorrow is another day to go out hunting. As for the internet thing, you need to equip yourself with skills on how to spot the Nigerian ninjas otherwise they will screw with you from start to finish!

  3. Goor one sir. While all those can be places where “relationships” start. i doubt though that this would work for the man or woman on a prowl. Things just never happen when one seeks them out exclusively

    • It would appear that the hunting gods are not too keen to throw prey your way if you are over zealous to make a killing. They usually avail opportunities to the seemingly unbothered hunters. What ill luck! lol

    • Dude…we can not hunt from the same grounds. I shall not be telling you when I’m heading to Church lest you seek out the same beautiful choir member I’m also hoping to seek out. Not gona happen!!

  4. Pingback: we are all in open relationships but just cant admit it!! | nare

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