I am disappointed in my Country

If you have been to any court of law in Uganda you know by now that even before you open your mouth to defend or attack someone you need to have some kind of substantial backing. The backing is often in the form of well put-together evidence, an array of witnesses and legitimate citing of support by the constitution – among other things. Ideally when all these elements are brought together and they fit perfectly, one can confidently claim to have a legitimate case.

I am fully aware that the justice system in Uganda has its shortcomings and therefore cannot be looked at as the Oracle. However, I have learnt over time that institutions only work if we believe in them – and if we let them carry out their processes with legitimacy, decency and fairness. Recently, I learnt that as much as the justice system is designed or intended to offer justice, a good number of people have actually suffered because of this same justice system and those who work with and in it.

The issue of minorities is an issue that will forever create debate because as long as the human race exists, there will always be minorities in terms of race, age, sex, faith, orientation, physical build and ideology. The manner in which the justice system handles these “minorities” is one that I have come to learn is unfair, extremely prejudiced and abnormally inhumane.

On Friday 27th February, I attended a get-together organised by Chapter Four Uganda under the theme “Justice4All”. The focus of this get-together was to launch a report titled “The Abuse of the Rights of Sexual Minorities in Uganda’s Criminal Justice System”. Now while it may seem like justice is an ideal that many if not most people deserve and rightly should have access to, there are actually a good number of people who have had no sniff of the scent of justice.

A harrowing tale of certain sexual minorities being ‘physically probed’ and constantly dehumanized because the law does not recognise them as ‘legitimate human beings’ almost made me lose my mind. It is one thing to attempt to understand why someone is different from you. It is an entirely different thing when you try so hard to make someone who does not subscribe to your school of thought look like the enemy. On Friday I listened to stories of Ugandans living in fear simply because of the worry that any moment, they might be victims of a justice process that has adjudged them to be guilty in a war started by, and fought solely by nature.

I was shocked that some Ugandans are treated like they do not belong to this country; they are looked at as evil, nefarious, monstrous and extremely repulsive creatures with little or no semblance to proper human beings.

This infuriates me.

I do not condone acts that are against the constitution and I am in no way a campaigner for immorality or wickedness for that matter. However, I am also not a campaigner of inhumanity, barbaric and fiendish behaviour towards certain people simply because they are not like us.

HoraceHorace speaks the the truth!

Ugandans are known to be loving and hospitable individuals. We are known world over as people who love without limits, people who are free-spirited and are always willing to make the strangest of visitors feel at home. Why then do we rise up against our own brothers and sisters? Why do we deny justice to the people who share our cradle land, the people who share our last names, people who we have eaten and drank with since childhood? Why do we suddenly distance ourselves from people simply because they do not look like, think like or act like us? Why do we relegate them to the gates of hell simply because they prefer one thing and not the other? If we are not going to look after our own brothers and sisters, who will? A great many quotes have been directed to teaching people to embrace others no matter the difference that may be present. Why do we suddenly abandon these teachings when our brothers and sisters need us the most? As a policeman / woman, lawmaker, medical practitioner, religious leader, trend setter, celebrity, influential person or just plain human being, is it not my responsibility to treat my fellow man like he deserves the same justice that I think I deserve? Why should I turn round and be callous to someone simply because he does not think like or look like me?

Pope PaulI don’t think I would have put it any better

When 66-year-old Bernard Randall was deported for his involvement in Gay activities, one would have imagined that as a foreigner, Randall probably had it coming. One might also argue that as a foreigner, deportation was as decent an action as could be accorded to him for what the constitution deemed illegal or criminal for that matter. And Randall had / has the backing of his Government, several Civil Rights activists, the International community as well as a bunch of countless Western organisations and individuals.

What about our brothers and sisters who may not have the luxury of an army of supporters or sympathisers? What about our friends who have silently suffered life-long confusion about who they truly are? What about those who have grown up in a society that says any attitudes that are different from the norm are acts of the devil? And what about our sons and daughters, who secretly engage in the most devilish acts but will pretend their whole lives simply because they are afraid of ridiculing, mockery, scorn and a whole lot of derision? What about those people who wake up every morning disoriented and unsure of themselves and go to bed at night even more bewildered and lost? Why are we denying them the chance to be human, the chance to attain their full potential and the chance to be who they truly are meant to me as dictated by nature?

I write this piece after having a sad conversation with someone who has for twenty-six years been unsure of what his identity is. And this is because his family, friends and relations are all vehemently against any notions of straying from the norm. While he is otherwise an imperturbable soul that simply needs talking to, understanding and above all, guidance, he has opted to secretly engage in what I am sure his relatives will excommunicate him for – if they find out anyway. Now, while I have been sworn to secrecy, I will confidently say that on his behalf and on behalf of the several minorities that have been condemned to the gallows of public hell because of their differences; I am disappointed on so many levels. I am disappointed in myself and anyone who has under looked, disregarded, neglected and condemned another person just because they belong to the minority.

I am disappointed in my country.

“Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are.” ― Benjamin Franklin

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Swimming with Blue Whales

One of these days, I am going to start taking swimming lessons.

First of all, I am not a fan of water; in fact, I hate it. I shower once or twice everyday but I stay away from bathtubs, swimming pools, ponds, lakes, rivers, waterlogged potholes, seas, oceans and all other water places that may come to mind. Psychologists and medical experts with fancy titles often refer to people of my kind as suffering from Aquaphobia – a persistent and abnormal fear of water. It is therefore likely that I will not be auditioning for the role of Aquaman for DC Comics.

Whey then do I need swimming lessons?

Keep up – this is what I am explaining.

Arrival of an email                

Early last week, I received an email informing me of my nomination for the Social Media Awards. The email explained that I had been nominated in the category of ‘Most Influential Personality’ on social media in Uganda. I was euphoric and nearly screamed out loud but because I was in a taxi with a whole lot of clearly disinterested people, I figured I’d keep it in till I got to the office. When I got to the office, I re-read the email and then the euphoria turned to something akin to panic.

baby-met-laptop

I had to re-read the email several times to be sure

You see, I had been nominated alongside names that would ordinarily make anyone shriek and squeal uncontrollably because of extreme fear and twitchiness.

I will tell you a bit about these people later on.

Twist of Events

Having previously been a winner in the Bloggers’ category of the Social Media Awards, I figured that if any nomination was to come my way, it would be in the same category. Therefore seeing my name in a different category somewhat shook me to the core. However, knowing that there are many awesome bloggers out there, I imagined this time I did not cut it and I swallowed that with a gulp. I know most (if not all) the nominated bloggers and I can attest to the fact that they are all deserving nominees. And this is partly how I was able to wrap my mind around the fact that I had failed to make it to the list.

Now about the Whales

When I eventually settled in the office to look at the list of who else had been nominated in the various categories, I found myself drifting back to the ‘Most influential Personality’ category. This was not just because it was the category in which I am nominated but because of the names therein. The whole time I was looking at the nominees, I had to pinch myself over and over – to remind myself that my nomination was/is real.

The ocean is filled with various types of water creatures but none is as big as the Blue Whale (Balaenoptera physalus). The list of nominees was a pod of huge, superfast, legendary and out-of-this world Blue whales along with a little happy dolphin – myself.

Blue Whale

The blue whale is the largest mammal

How so?

Well, I shall shed a little light on the other nominees.

Amama Mbabazi is the proverbial Blue Whale that is the head of the pod. As a former Prime Minister, Minister for Security, Secretary General of the NRM and current MP for Kinkiizi West constituency in Kanungu District, it is likely that more Ugandans know him than all my friends and relatives combined. Experts from NASA have often wondered why aliens know him even though they have never made official contact with human beings.

The second Blue Whale, Qataha Raymond, is actually a close friend. Raymond, is one of the finest journalists I have come across in East Africa. He has worked with several media houses and prides himself in having contacts that go from here to mars. Anyone who is anyone knows this guy. Raymond and I have played foosball together, watched games where Arsenal loses to Man United, been to house parties together and done a lot of charity together and I can safely say he is a big wig. He knows the phone numbers of wealthy people, army men, beautiful girls and powerful lawyers off the top of his head.

The third Blue Whale is Esther Kalenzi, the brain, heart and soul of 40 Days Over 40 Smiles. Also a personal friend, a big dreamer and achiever, she is one of the most passionate people I have ever met. Humble, down to earth and abnormally compassionate, this girl is the definition of a winning woman. She loves and cares with no limits. I know a bunch of people who have confessed to joining charity because of her – I am one of those people.

The fourth Blue Whale is Andrew Mwenda – the old man of the Clan. This guy has epitomized the struggle for freedom of speech in Uganda and is part of the reason why many people can comfortably hurl insults at the regime. Mwenda is one of the most accomplished Ugandan journalists, he is a founder and owner of The Independent and a celebrated Community activist against Aid to Africa.

The fifth Blue Whale is Simon Kaheru. Now if you are on social media and you don’t know Simon – you need to repent because you are a sinner. He is a professional communicator with the ability to communicate anything to anyone with extreme ease, finesse and profound results. Tales are told of how he once gave a speech in bold italics with a strangely large font size. He doesn’t just think outside the box; he often throws the box out of the window just so he can think better.

Challenge Accepted

As a dolphin being ushered into the swimming game, I have decided to do the honourable thing and accept the challenge to swim with the Whales. I may not be the biggest fan of water but at this moment in time, I will be the dolphin that simply enjoys the ride alongside the Blue Whales.

humpbackwhaleanddolphin

Whales and Dolphins can be good friends too

Ladies, and Gentlemen, let the swimming games begin.

Click the link below to vote for the sea creatures that you think deserve the nod.

www.socialmediaawards.ug

 The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it – Jacques Yves Cousteau

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

To My Unborn Boy

Listen little fella, this is your father writing to you. You are not yet born and we are not yet sure who your mother will be but I am writing to you anyway. Don’t ask why I am not sure who your mother will be; I am still single and the last time I checked it takes two to make a baby. Also, your mother has not yet unveiled herself; if she has, I am too busy being awesome to notice. But hey, let us not lose focus here. You are the subject of this letter; not me.

Baby-Shoes

So then, shall we focus on my intention of writing this letter to you?

Good.

You see, little man, when you enter this world, you are flung into a ruthless and merciless world that will not give you a chance to steal even half a breath without making you pay dearly. Every step you make and every move you make will lead you to a certain point in your life which many people like to call destiny. Walk the right path my boy and make sure you have fewer regrets than satisfaction.

Am I sounding overly sanctimonious? Relax. I will make things easier for you.

Let me give you some insight into a few things I want you to learn from no one but your dad.

The other sex and their things

Women are a very vital part of your life. Your mother, sisters, daughters and aunties will all be female so you should make an attempt to reason with them. They will intentionally hurt you to get your attention; never lose your mind over them – it is how they are wired. Make them happy and you will be the happiest man alive. Rub them the wrong way and you may as well kiss happiness goodbye. Never attempt to get into an argument with women. You’d be more likely (and safer) to bump into a live fire breathing dragon on Kampala Road than to try winning an argument against a female. When she asks you one thing, be sure she means something else. A good chunk of their questions are actually rhetorical so try as much as possible to avoid being a smartass with them. “Do I look good in this?”, “Am I fat?”, “Do you love me?”, “Will you take me shopping?”, “Do you like my new hair?”, “Is the devil female?”; all these are questions with answers already written in stone. Never attempt to be creative and come up with your own answers otherwise that will be your demise right there.

understanding-women

End of the world things

Young man, in my time, we were threatened with the end of the world more times than I can remember. One thing is for certain, as long as you live a life worth remembering, you should never have to worry about the end of the world. Never fall for this end-of-the-world business my boy. If there is anything we as human beings have learned, it is that when someone dies, that is the end of their world. The rest of humanity carries on, often with an indifference that will make you wonder why we even worry about other people’s lives. Just make sure that the people around you are happy with the life you are living and the rest shall be okay. Oh and one other thing – if there is any religion or cult that sets a specific date as the possible end of the world, walk up to their leader and kick him in the nuts – I give you permission. It is mostly men who want to brainwash human beings with ludicrous and bogus ideas of the world’s end so beware who you listen to. Read the Bible, the Quran, the Bhagavad Ghita and whatever other Holy Book you can come across because I have learnt that the best way to indulge in any argument or discussion is to be immensely informed and well read.

young-entrepreneurs-changing-the-worldWhen you die, your world stop spinning. Period!

Money and career things

You will have probably heard this a billion times already but I will say it anyway, ‘Money is the root of all evil’ okay not all evil but most evil. As long as you let your life be ruled by money, you are bound to sell your soul to worthless and often inhumane causes. Make sure that you pursue a career that makes you happy while enabling you put food on the table. You don’t want your pretty wife and awesome kids starving now do you? Never ever get into any career solely because of the money. You will get consumed by it and you will end up forgetting who you really are. Stay true to yourself and pursue your personal dreams before thinking of money. I can guarantee that if you pursue your dreams with seriousness and focus, you will get shitloads of money you will not even know what to do with it. And if that ever happens, start a charity in my name. That’s right – not your name but mine. I am your father and I have dictated it. Fathers are always right! Yes – tell that to your son too.

capitalismThe love of money is the root of all evil

Heritage and Cultural Things

Every decade that passes, culture and heritage receive a blow below the belt from that thing called change. Try as much as possible to stay in touch with your cultural values and never forget your identity. Part of the reason why Africa as a continent is culturally wealthy is because of people like your grandfather, my dad, who swore never to abandon their culture no matter how useless or meaningless it appeared. Your granddad often dragged me to cultural events just so I could appreciate the African culture and heritage a little more. I might have been stubborn once or twice but overall, I now see why he felt like I needed the orientation. Way before I met your mother, when I was much younger, we often went to the countryside to see the old folks. We were involved in pompous and extravagant ceremonies complete with brew, food, song and dance all locally engineered. Make sure you get a wife who understands the value of culture and heritage so that she does not name my grandchildren something silly like Phone, Modem or Bandwidth. Young man, I want traditional names.

AwesomeDon’t these little ones look cute?

God knows I could go on and on but I’ll stop here because I know people of your time will not be too keen to read. So there; go on and live.

“It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.” ― John Guare, Landscape of the Body

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

A Valentine Death – Part II

Most times when someone is telling a rather long story that has no end anywhere in sight, they break it up and hoodwink people into subscribing for a sequel. This is what I am doing right here, except my story has an end in sight. Last week I put up a blog about Valentine’s Day and I conveniently titled it A Valentine Death – Part I. The idea was to build up to this week’s post which, as you would expect, is about Valentine’s Day too. In the run up to Valentine’s Day, I set out to ruin Valentines for everyone I know. Naturally some people are smart and have tried to hide from me, not picked up my calls and basically stayed clear of me because of the fear that I will ruin their Valentine’s Day. Well, they may not pick my calls or respond to my hate email but I am confident they will read this blog – secretly.

Cat readingMany of you will read this secretly, it’s Okay.

And this brings me to the point of this blog anyway. As a hater of Valentine’s Day and everything lovey-dovey, I would like to recruit a few people to my cult. We shall be setting out to ruin the day for others – especially the women; our women. I am going to share strategies that guys can employ to make sure that when the dust settles on Valentine’s Day your bank account balance is unshaken and your manhood is still intact. I am helping men regain the power they have lost over the years.

  1. The Old School Break-up Stunt

On Valentine’s Day last year, a whooping $14 Billion was wasted on women. This makes me mad because while all this money was spent on women, men were not any happier after Valentine’s Day. As a matter of fact, many men were sad, lonely dejected and still thirsty after Valentine’s Day. Which begs the question – what the hell is the fuss about anyway? How about a temporary break-up right before Valentine’s Day to save the expenditure? Throw her out right before Valentine’s Day. You have to make sure that the break-up is temporary so that after Valentine’s Day you can reboot your relationship and get back on track without having to worry about strange and often ugly bank withdrawals during the Valentine’s season. Change a buddy’s name in your phonebook to say Sally Boobs or Cathy Nice Legs or even Joan Sexy and then have them text you some sleazy lines. Have them text you suggestive and naughty messages with one or two downloaded images of a nice looking Samoan girl but with the caption ‘Me’. Then leave your phone lying around for the girlfriend to go through. She will be so mad at you she will simply walk away and then after Valentine’s when the dust has settled, explain to her that one of your buddies wanted to prank you so they changed the name in your phonebook and sent the messages minus your knowledge. Obviously if you are smart enough, you will not respond to these messages lest your claim of innocence is thrown out of the window, along with your chance for make-up sex.

woman-cell-phone-angryGet her riled up

  1. The Wrong name Trick

Women love to feel pampered especially around Valentine’s Day. Now listen up guys, if you are looking at your bank balance and wondering how you can get out of this one, wonder no more; I’ve got a solution for you. Buy her a little gift on Friday – a cheap gift at that. It would be nice if you bought her a flower or a little teddy bear and then you have these items delivered to her workplace or wherever she is. Make sure you have a sweet scented note added in there. Then write a name of a totally different girl inside the note. At the end of the note, add something like ‘there’s more where that came from’ or ‘I like you very much (insert random name) and I have so much to give you this Valentine’s Day’. Then sit back, relax, and wait for the volcano to erupt. You will have done a very nice thing by sending her a gift but you will have opened a Pandora ’s Box by calling her someone else’s name. It is likely she will be mad at you for a while but it also be likely she will get over it (mostly if your explanation is believable) and take you back in. You, my friend, will have survived the Valentine’s Day Madness.

NAME

Anha!

  1. The Valentines With Mama Arrangement

Women do not fear anything; they will dive head first into a fight as long as you are the prize. They will defend you and even aid and abet some of your crimes as long as you are the prize. The one thing however they are very cautious about is the area treaded upon by your mother (their mother in law). Gentlemen, it is time to play the mother card. No, silly – I don’t mean you should become mothers. Keep up! I mean, you should tell her that you plan to spend Valentine’s Day with your mother. Everyone knows Valentine’s Day is a day you spend with the people you love. While everyone will be with their partners, tell your girl that you have decided to spend this Valentine’s Day with your mother because she has been asking you for it for several months. Even if you have not spoken to your mum for weeks, make sure she is in on it. Tell her you would like to see her on Valentine’s Day so that if your girl tries to ask her mother in law, your behind is covered. The girl will probably be thinking, ‘better to have him spend his Valentine’s Day with his mother than with another random woman.’ Homerun!

valentines-day-cards-for-mom-c5hlqxghGet a nice card to go along with it

  1. The Selective Amnesia and Illness strategy

Everyone knows men have bogus memories. While statistics about men and their forgetfulness are out there flying about with no focus, take advantage and embrace these statistics. Make extravagant and detailed plans for Valentine’s Day and let her imagine that you have some grand plan for the two of you. And then go ahead and forget them. Forget every damn thing. Forget the plans, forget where you were supposed to go and even forget that it is Valentine’s Day. If you can, go ahead and even forget that you have a girlfriend. Some women are so smart they will help you remember things; setting up reminders, scribbling down things in journals and setting up memos. That too can be defeated. Wake up on Valentine’s Day and feign illness. This is what we call the injury time match winner or the buzzer shot because there are very few come-backs that can outsmart this one. Some men’s acting game is so weak that they risk shaming the entire male race by acting they are sick yet they look overly excited and extremely overjoyed. Don’t just play the part guys, be the part. To be able to execute this act, you will need to practice. Therefore between now and Saturday, start practicing. Feign a slight headache here a stomach ache there, a pain in the joints or even some fatigue. By Saturday, the disease will have escalated into fully blown surgery-demanding illness which of course will clear by the start of next week.

Dont-ForgetShe will probably leave these lying around – TRASH THEM. Then say you forgot.

Note to men and women Ladies, if you read this Blog before he reads it, make sure he does not read it lest he gets armed. And gentlemen, if you read this Blog before she does, do everything in your power to make sure she does not read it – lest you get found out. Good Luck Lovers Totally Unrelated You probably have heard this already but I will say it nonetheless. The Social Media Awards are on and as always, nominations are rolling in. I am fully aware that you people have things to do elsewhere but if you could be so kind as to nominate your favourite Blogger (who may or may not be yours truly), it would be awesome. Just go to this link and do the needful. Nominations end on 11th February … a few days to the dreaded Valentine’s Day.

“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” — Warsan Shire

Bernard a.k.a Beewol The Talkative Rocker Follow @beewol on Twitter

A Valentine Death – Part I

Humans are very emotional beings who are packed with a desire to receive and give love. February is said to be the month of love and so naturally there has got be some kind of madness going around about how and who to love. With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, there is a lot of excitement and euphoria that often sweeps over the entire human race so much that droves of people will create invisible partners and lovers just so they can get through that day in one piece.

Month of loveThe month of love is upon us

As a being unfortunate to belong to this race, I am often innocently dragged into the illusion that people actually love me. And so once or twice on Valentine’s Day I have sat there staring at my phone and wondering where everyone who actually loves me has disappeared to because the phone is ever so silent. And then it eventually hits me that they are probably busy expressing love to the people they truly love and the whole time I was only but a hidden track on the album. I often console myself with the assertion that even though I am sad, lonely, in tears and almost suicidal, it is their loss; if they can not realise all the awesomeness and greatness that I possess, then good riddance. Of course all this happens before a few friends and I hit the bar to drink off the loneliness, which usually ends in a regrettable text message to an old girlfriend who has since moved on and probably even deleted my number.

sad_face_dog_1920x120014th Feb is usually a sad day for me

Without necessary washing my stinky and soiled linen on the www, I am confident that there are lots of individuals like myself – individuals for whom Valentine’s Day brings nothing but memories of the horrid and dreadful nature of the human race; with particular reference to the opposite sex.

In the run up to this god-forsaken day known as Valentine’s Day, I have decided to rise up, stir up some dust and basically ruin Valentine’s Day for everyone around me. Am I a bitter being who has not been shown love on Valentine’s Day and has therefore turned into a sadist who wants nothing but darkness, rain and coldness on Valentine’s Day? Maybe. Do I want other people to be as angry and mad on that day as I probably will be? Definitely! For this reason, I will be doing nothing but throwing stones at lovers, pouring water over fires lit by lovers, spreading false but terrible rumours about lovers and working overtime to make sure that as many people are unhappy on that day as possible.

prickI’ll be thinking this of lovers

One might imagine that I am some kind of masochist and therefore I will be getting pleasure out of the pain and suffering of not just myself but others. That might be the case – in fact, it is likely that I love being like this. However, there is also the likelihood that I will be bitter on 14th Feb (again) because I am still single. I have no complaints about being single; heck, I love it. However, one has got to look at the bigger picture here. Men and women all over the world have dragged themselves into this otherwise botched thinking that on Valentine’s Day they are supposed to be showing each other tremendous love and doing things they do not ordinarily do like shower twice a day, wear body spray or go to fancy restaurants. Nonsense!

I say if you have been showering once a day, keep it that way even on valentine’s Day. If you have never received flowers from anyone since you were born, do not suddenly wake up and feel like your partner owes you flowers. Unless you are Kemmy (a good friend of mine who loves flowers so much she often buys herself bouquets) you have no right to start demanding flowers just because it is Valentine’s Day. Stay away from chocolates, wine and expensive dinners. There are more important things to spend money on like happy hour beer, the Besigye Book, Internet bundles and the new U2 album ‘Songs of Innocence’.

wifiFor not-so-much, you can own this

And while we are still on the subject of money, how about doing the more awesome thing and not spending money at all? It is likely the streets will be thronged with over enthusiastic lovers overdressed dressed ridiculously in Valentine’s Day related colours. How about instead of going out there to spend truckloads of money showing the semblance of love to someone you already love you instead stay in and do something more awesome? You can rewatch old episodes of Family Guy, do laundry, argue with your partner or even play scrabble. Having sex is another item you could add on the to-do list. You just might have a baby as Christmas approaches. How wonderful!

By now there are people who are reading this and wondering if I have anything nice to say about Valentine’s Day. I do. It is two weeks from pay day. That’s something nice. Also, since it will be a Saturday, quite a lot happening; there will be plenty of sporting action from all over the world. My fear is that on that day there will be many people walking to the altar and saying their vows. Getting married is suicide. Getting married on Valentine’s day is slow painful suicide with a suicide note that has poor grammar and punctuation. If it was up to me, I’d make sure that no one gets married on Valentines day. No acts of madness should be conducted on Valentines Day. The only madness that should be permitted is levelling up on Call Of Duty – Black Ops II using cheats downloaded off the internet. Other than that, nothing else should be permitted.

Call of duty

Powerful!

Next week I shall be discussing at proper length how one can ruin Valentine’s Day for another person whether it is someone you love, someone you once loved, someone who has refused to love you or someone whose throat you want to slit because they have turned down your advances time and again.

I have your backs people.

“The heart was made to be broken.” ― Oscar Wilde

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Liberating Thoughts

Very many years ago, a group of well-intentioned and fine purposed Ugandans left their day jobs (or whatever they were doing) and decided to rise up against the order of things. Between February 6th 1981 and January 25th 1986 these individuals were involved in what we now call the Ugandan Liberation War.

Many years after the liberation, one would assume that we as Ugandans have enjoyed substantial freedom and liberty but Alas!! A good number of us are still bound and probably still need liberation.

Before anyone can place a phone call to General Edward Kalekezi Kayihura to come pick me up for insinuating that the liberation war was a waste of time, allow me explain myself. You see, until everyone is liberated, no one is liberated. For this reason, I shall go ahead to mention a some groups of people who I think need some kind of liberation.

Traffic Policemen from the white mischief

Once upon a time, our traffic policemen had no business worrying about what they look like or how they dress. They simply woke up in the morning, washed their faces and hit the streets to start directing (or misdirecting) traffic. Life was pretty simple. Then there was this thing called CHOGM. It changed the way cops carry themselves around. The introduction of the white uniform is something that has bound these cops for several years now. Gone are the days when a cop would wear his uniform for an entire week and not worry about having to wash it. White uniforms are not only sent from hell but they also seem like Satan’s outfit. Cops need to be free to go days without washing. They need to be free to use water and soap sparingly. I call upon responsible authorities to start the liberation of the cops now.

Ali

This is Sadia Alli, a traffic officer at Kabalagala

The Youth from themselves

The Youth of today are a force unlike any other. We are powerful, noisy, intrusive, and meddlesome and have the worst communication skills. Not many of our kind are interested in writing full sentences or speaking correct English. What is the use of writing full sentences when one can simply use shorthand to communicate with the world? After all, we need to save up on letters because it seems apparent that someday the alphabet will get used up and we shall have nothing left to use. So yes; save up on the letters. What a load of animal droppings! We have decided to become so pathetic, so much that the statement ‘we are the leaders of tomorrow’ has been drowned by ‘we are our own worst enemy’. Someone needs to sit down and map out a proper liberation plan that will free us of ourselves because as it is right now, we are safely chained to a post that we have very carefully crafted on our own.

yoloSay it AGAIN!! 

People from their friends

Friendship is a very good thing. In fact, friendship just might be more awesome than that other bogus feeling called sexual attraction. Friendship is the universe’s way of showing you that you are not an island and therefore operate in tandem with others of your race. However, human beings have forever continued to misuse and abuse this otherwise sacred institution of friendship so much that it is now hard to tell who a true friend is. Every now and again you will meet a human being doing wrong things, not because they are not aware but because their ‘friends’ suggested these things. Groupies are turning out to be the greatest sources of wrong and often dangerous advice so much that they need to be disbanded. When lovers are going through a rough patch, the friends on either side are usually quick to cash in and dump whatever bogus advice they have picked up along their own miserable lives onto the two innocent lovers. The result is usually an increase in divorce and break-ups simply because people are busy listening to their friends and not to their own hearts. We each need to be liberated from ‘friends’ who could easily lead to our destruction.

Back stabbingBack stabbing is the order of the day

The Human Race from Faith Based extremism

This might be a little too much to ask for but wouldn’t it be nice if human beings did not practice all these extremities that come with following certain faiths? I know for a fact that there is no legitimate faith that will condone killing innocent people or rubbishing another faith in the name of advancing its own principles. True, it may suggest that one spreads the word with more vigour but it will not recommend that one ends another’s life just because they do not agree with them. I think human beings need to stop killing each other in the name of the faith they subscribe to. If I do not agree with your opinion or faith, surely that should not be reason for you to end my life. Besides, when you end my life, what chance do you have of converting me to your wonderful faith? We need to be liberated from the chains that bind us and refuse us to listen to people of aberrant belief.

TerrorismThis is the truth!

I am no expert at liberation. In fact, I am bound to, and by so many things that I think I need to see a liberation shrink. However, I also know that if there is to be any liberation for me or anyone of my race, the first thing is for us to admit that we are bound. Only then shall we begin to think of ways to curve a path out of this bondage.

“Those who do not move, do not notice their chains.” ― Rosa Luxemburg

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Men and Sex

There has always been a dangerously botched and unfairly flawed assertion that men think about sex every seven or so seconds. As a man, I find this assertion not only out-rightly embarrassing but also completely discreditable. Using my own thought process as an example, I would like to begin by stating that there are so many other things that men think about outside of sex. There are super fast cars (which can be quite sexy), sports (which can be more physically draining than sex), there is money (which will get you whatever quantity of sex you want), Alcohol (which usually catapults your sexual libido to untold levels) and then there is politics (which … well … this probably has nothing to do with sex).

male_brain

Hhhmmmm

So Yes – there are other things we think about other than sex.

Having said that, (again using my own thought process as an example) sex is one of the juiciest topics – pun definitely intended. Before I even go any further, allow me to start by mentioning that if you know anyone under 18 who is reading this blog post, pull out their power cable from the wall. This particular blog post is for people who have been on earth for no less than 216 months (which is really just 18 years).

With the knowledge that no under-age folks are reading, allow me to proceed this discussion about men and sex.

What is sex?

Sex (for most men at least) is when a man gets on top of a woman (or she on top of him) and sweats his way to an orgasm, huffing and puffing away as he pounds at her with his every ounce of strength. Occasionally the woman might get (or fake) an orgasm to keep the man’s ego sky high. At the end of it all, when the man arrives at his destination (ejaculation – for those who just made 18), he may or may not collapse in a heap onto the woman and basically pass out, oblivious to the needs and demands of his play mate. At this moment, the play mate is usually too busy reading a novel, replying whatsapp messages or watching Telenova repeats to even care.

Is it that insipid?

Unfortunately, it is. If you were hoping for a more majestic and less vapid description of coitus, I am afraid you have to look elsewhere. Maybe read the 50 Shades of Grey Books or better still; sneak away and watch some Asian or Latino porn – then you will see some lively and sleek sex going on with styles named after animals and ancient missionaries. Other than that, that is really what sex is all about. So if there is any underage person reading this, relax, there is nothing much you are missing. (I know you under age people could not keep away. So read on. Damage is already done.) Obviously older people will have you think that sex tastes better than your favourite dish. They will have you imagine that having sex is like drinking from an oasis in the middle of a hot and long journey through the desert. They will be keen to have you think that sex is the single most wonderful thing any man or woman can go through. Do not believe them. Sex is bad. Ignore the fact that all human existence is a result of sex – that is a conspiracy right there. Human beings are not created out of sexual acts; they are created out of the will of God. He moulds you and places you in the tummy of a random woman who then becomes your mother. Sex is just an excuse to make men relevant in the equation that is child birth.

Am I speaking from experience?

Uhmm unfortunately, I am not. I am still a virgin. I know what you are thinking – what right do I have to talk about sex when indeed I have never had a taste of the forbidden fruit? You see, I have learned that one does not have to go through hell’s flames for them to know that Hell is an undesirably hot place. Read your bible, watch a number of movies, listen to the church pastor, and I can guarantee you will have a vivid painting of hell in your mind; scorching and all. Does hell even exist? That is a discussion for another Monday. For now, let us not concentrate on how inexperienced I am at this topic of sex – let us focus on other things, like debunking the lies you have been told about sex.

Virgins

That’s right – virgins can be awesome too!

Women and Sex

This should probably have been titled ‘Women are sex’ or ‘women love sex’ or even ‘women sex men’ but I imagine the feminists will be all up in arms; if they aren’t already. Women are the reason the world is the way it is. They are the reason Adam lost the plot while still in the Garden of Eden, they are the reason the world is in all this chaos. They are also the reason men cannot stay away from sex. They dangle it around like gazelles hopping about in the carnivore section of the game park. You may be wondering why I am heaping all the blame on women while carefully throwing a blanket over men and their often unrivalled madness. Well, first of all, I am a man, so naturally I fight for this team. Secondly, I have a certain feminist friend who I want to piss off really badly and I am sure she will read this. Thirdly, it is my blog post – I say whatever the hell I want. And lastly, surely there is no crime against writing a blog post that is totally and utterly full of misinformation, right? Good. Now sit tight and let me finish.

SexistSexist enough, no?

So then, what lessons do we learn from this blog post?

  • Sex is overrated
  • Men sweat during sex
  • Women love reading novels and watching Telenovas
  • Women are the reason for all the problems in this world
  • Gazelle meat is quite tasty
  • Human beings are moulded by God and not through sex
  • Never trust the words of a Blogger who has never had sex

Have an awesome week, you sexy beasts who will do anything and everything to engage in coitus.

“But when a woman decides to sleep with a man, there is no wall she will not scale, no fortress she will not destroy, no moral consideration she will not ignore at its very root: there is no God worth worrying about.” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter