Stress-free Life

At some point in life, everyone is bound to undergo an amount of stress so much that they often feel like there’s a world wide conspiracy to make their lives hell. People will therefore do all sorts of things to escape this stress. Some will withdraw from the rest of the world, others will simply take to the bottle (not the milk bottle but the beer bottle) and others will opt for sleeping pills, to sleep off the stress. Overall, it can be agreed that we all would love to live stress-free lives.

Often times, the stress we undergo can actually be avoided. The trouble is that there is no manual for this thing called life. You never really come across a ‘How-To’ book detailing how you can live out your life without instances of stress. That said, there are a few tit-bits that you will come across that might point you in the right direction.

I often try to take some time to come up with recommendations for life and while some may be plain bogus and meaningless, others are actually quite insightful; for instance the recommendations I am about to make. Now before you start expecting a psychiatric rant about how to eat well and sleep well to avoid stress, I want to make it clear that my recommendations are not in any way endorsed by medical practitioners, religious leaders or political experts. They are simply recommendations from an innocent dude looking to share insight with friends.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – how to avoid stress!

1. Abandon expensive gadgets

Almost everywhere you look, there is either someone caressing a fat shinny iPad or molesting an attractive touch-screen phone. What you will see is a smart, confident and seemingly rich person with an expensive gadget. What however you will not see is that they are probably trying to switch off the expensive gadget to save the battery or they are wondering where all the airtime has disappeared because this touch-screen seems to swallow MBs at a strange pace. Too much stress if you ask me. Why not eliminate this stress by moving a step back to the old school gadgets that didn’t require Foursquare check-ins or mobile application updates? Why not roll back to having the Black and White TV that didn’t require HD or WideScreen or God-Knows what other screen type? One will probably argue that since this is 2013, we ought to live like we are in the future. Well, if the future entails stressing about the latest Samsung gadget or the most attractive iPhone application, then surely the future is not a good place to be in. For those who love technology (myself inclusive) it would be an abomination to think about old school technology. However, if you are going to stay up late at night waiting for the latest HD technology to be released, maybe you should think about abandoning technology all together.

not the real thing …. but close enough 

2. Avoid letter writing as much as possible  

The past few weeks in Uganda have seen the word ‘letter’ meet plenty of raised eyebrows. The word has been battered, smothered, tortured and basically besieged by Ugandans. In the past, a letter was just something you wrote to someone you wanted to pass a message to but you were somehow hindered by distance or by their bad breath. Also, a letter was often signed off with “Yours sincerely” or “Yours in love”. Today however, a letter is more than just an innocent piece of writing between two people; it is now a source of unending debate. A letter is now met with plenty of skepticism and if you are unlucky; your action of sending or receiving a letter may be grounds for your home or work place to get invaded and practically owned by the cops. If you are terribly unlucky, you might even be out of a job for a couple of days. Load of stress! I say, stay away from letter sending and receiving. The next time someone sends you a letter, invoke the ‘return-to-sender’ clause and have it sent right back from whence it came! You do not want to get mixed up in stressful situations so stay away from anything that has to do with a letter.

If you don’t want these Afandes camped at your premises, stay away from letters

3. Get a Little humour in your life

In my opinion, humour and satire are some of the most effective ways to do away with stress. I personally subscribe to the school of thought that suggests that people who live longer are not the ones who eat and drink well; the people who live longer are the ones who laugh the most. This means that if you can get some laughs in your otherwise tight schedule, you my friend are bound to live longer. If you are surrounded by dull and boring people, create the humour yourself. Pull some practical jokes on your mates. If you work in a place that never has laughs, take it upon yourself to create the laughs. Fart right in the middle of the board meeting, send your boss a sleazy text message, burn down a section of the office, download a chunk of Porn and leave it playing on everyone’s PC when they are out for lunch, basically do something to have a laugh. It doesn’t matter whether the rest of the office does not find it funny; what matters is that you are cracking up somewhere in the bathrooms. It would be even more helpful if you were the boss. Call up a random employee and demand that they dance for you or get sacked. You could make it even a tad funnier by introducing days like “Bring a Bottle of Wine to work Monday” “Bring Your Ex to Work Tuesday” “No Bra Wednesday” “T-shirt Thursday” and “Flirty Outfit Friday”. Have these days observed to the paper or else employees face a demotion or legal action from the company. If you are a junior employee, fill the suggestion box with threats about raping your boss’ wife, send random emails of “penis enlargement” to the Human Resource department, tag the Accounts office folks in a Facebook post about oppression. I can guarantee that if you do one of (of all of) these things, you will be the furthest person from stress.

4. Avoid Relationship Madness

One of the leading causes of stress amongst human beings is relationships. People go through way too much stress just so they can have the right kind of relationships. It is no question that women fake orgasms to have relationships while men fake relationships just to have orgasms. Instead of going through all this stress, why not just be true to yourself? Ladies, if the guy is a total bore in bed, let him know. Yawn, every now and again or ask him if he knows what he is doing. Let him know that he is totally sending you to sleep with his fidgeting and tussling meant to seem like sex. That way, he will know not to call himself “the Lion of the Jungle” in front of his friends. And gentlemen, let her know from the word Go that you are in it only for the sexual romp. Tell her the truth and save yourself the stress of having to spend endlessly just to try and get into her pants. Experts at human relationships will claim that having a partner will help you do away with a lot of stress. Who said that it always has to be a person? Can’t someone have undying love for their cat, PS3 or vibrator? The point is, these items will most probably not want to hurt you while pretending to love you. They will not stress you in any way. In my opinion it is probably a more worthwhile relationship than the other one you are trying to fake the other side.

There’s no chance that this Teddy bear will want to stress the little girl 

5. Just Be Ugandan

I have personally come to the conclusion that to avoid stress, all you have to do is be Ugandan. Obviously if just like myself you were born Ugandan, you my friend already have a head start. If you weren’t born Ugandan, find a way to either get citizenship or simply tag along with Ugandans. Ugandans are the one lot of people who will love you to death one minute and totally ignore you the very next minute; they have no time for stress. We have very many one-hit-wonders in Uganda because here when people love you, it’s for real but the moment you bore them, they move on; swiftly by the way. Once upon a time, Ugandans loved Congolese Music. And then they discovered South African music. Shortly after that, there was euphoria over Bongo music. Not too long after that, Ugandans started hitting the studios as well. Today, we have more upcoming artists than citizens; that is how the trend catches on here. They take to something and squeeze all the juice out of it before gently moving onto something else that will totally blow them away, for another short while. Ugandans have no time for stressful things. Even if you are Micheal Ezra and you are flashing around dollars and blank cheques, these Ugandans will one day abandon you – the moment you stress them. It does not matter whether your name is Bad Black and you have bought half the bar drinks. When the news about your underhand business methods become public, they will deny ever knowing you. If anything, they will join everyone else who is clamouring for your head.

I could offer a number more recommendations for how to avoid stress but owing to the fact that many of you are probably already getting stressed by reading this long blog post, I shall let it rest. Do try however to avoid stress, as much as you can. After all, a stress-full life is most likely a wasted life.

Here is a simple quote to get you through this week.

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.”

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Low Budget Love

If you have lived in Uganda for more than twenty years, there are some harsh realities that you will have encountered by now. Not so long ago, a bottle of beer was no more than a fifth of its current price, a loaf of bread was way cheaper and it had many more slices and a kilo of beef had more beef than bones; it was even cheaper. Let’s just say things have changed substantially on the economic front. Naturally, the way we live our lives has also changed. A man who used to go out and drink about half a crate of beer is now restricted to no more than three beers, all of which will most likely have been bought during happy hour. A woman who went shopping 2 or 3 times a week now probably does her shopping once a fortnight and it’s mostly just window shopping. Basically, things have spiraled out of control.

Apart from just the prices that have sky rocketed, relationships are more expensive to maintain. Every day that passes, I hear of a formerly happily married couple going their separate ways because of reasons that often have to do with financial matters. Very recently, a close friend revealed that he was finally quitting marriage not because his woman had suddenly lost the hitherto award winning shape of her posterior or that the sex was no longer as steamy but because times are really hard. The brother can barely put food on the table. From having to pay utility bills to footing his wife’s expenses both legitimate and ridiculous, my good friend has decided to put an end to the madness; he just has to take out a bank loan to finance the divorce and all be well. At some point, when he still had hope, he secretly wished that a rich man would befriend his wife and help to cover some of the bills at home because it was getting too much for him. This has not happened yet so divorce is looking the likely option for him. Recently after he and I had taken a few drinks (which, you will be relieved to learn, I paid for) we came to the conclusion that relationships ought to be much cheaper to maintain. Men usually get the short end of the stick because they have to foot most of the bills.

I therefore took it upon myself to try and figure out ways in which we as men can continue to look after our women without having to pull out the calculator every now and again to verify how much we spend with each deed. Friends, I present low budget love.

To hell with first dates!

When two people are starting to like each other and one of them suggests a date, it usually is a sign that the spending is about to begin. Traditionally, the man will be expected to foot the bill on the first date; this is of course if the woman in question is not my friend Godiva who often argues that women and men should share responsibility equally. According to this wonderful lady, a womyn (Yes; that is how she spells it, she’s a feminist) should go on a date ready and willing to foot at least half the bill. If she goes on a first date with less than enough money to foot her part of the bill (just in case the man acts up) she is probably not a real woman, she is just a young girl who is about to be violated. How I wish all women thought like this!

Anyway, usually when it comes to footing the bill, everything might go well in case there are enough funds in the guy’s pockets. There are instances however where there are uncomfortable glances thrown around, especially when the guy has realized that the bills is over and above what he has, even if he combined what’s in his wallet, left sock, back pocket and mobile money account. At such at time, the lady will very uncomfortably look towards the restaurant kitchen and start to calculate how much time she will take doing the dishes. This is around the same time the guy will look down at the floor to see how long it will take him to mop from one end of the restaurant to the other. All this because of a first date! I say, save yourself the expense of a first date. If you see someone you like, walk up to them and make your point heard. If they slap you hard on the face, tough luck! We have all been slapped every now and again; it’s not the worst thing that could happen to a man. Besides, I personally think 7 out of 10 times when a woman slaps a man because of what he has said; she is only telling him to use a different approach. The other 3 times she will slap him because she is a fetishist and slapping is her sexual fetish. Do that to her between the sheets and you have her in your grasp. So if she slaps you at your first attempt, consider it a message; try to decode it. After the first attempt, know whether to dust yourself up and try again or quit the whole thing. If she does not slap you and instead takes some time to hear you out, that right there is your first date; no bills, no dishes to wash and certainly no floor to mop. This business of going on a first date with a girl and you are met with 4 of her friends, 5 of her clan members, 3 siblings and 2 distant cousins; that should end!

The Romantic inexpensive Walk

As the man in the relationship, you are somewhat tasked with coming up with ways to spend quality time with the lady. If you leave this to her, I can guarantee you will regret. Half the suggestions she will come up with will involve spending everything you have and the other half will involve you borrowing from elsewhere. So take it upon yourself to come up with ways to spend time. One very good way to spend quality time is by taking nice romantic inexpensive walks around town. No one is going to charge you a dime to walk through the taxi park or walk along Kampala Road. Take some time and take a romantic walk down Kikubo lane or Market Street. Share some laughs as you see the street hustlers struggle to make a shilling. Gentlemen, you have to be careful here because when you take a walk in certain parts of town, there are 19,403 different things she will see and want you to buy for her. Take her that side of Old Kampala, there are fewer shops there and not so many arcades with expensive items. Alternatively, take her to the area around Namuwongo; that place has more factories than arcades so there is not much buying that will happen when your romantic walk heads in that direction. Stay as far away from Centenary Park as possible; the price of shisha just went up and the price of beer is at an all time high. Also, if your walk can head towards Wandegeya, there is no harm in passing via Lumumba Avenue. There is absolutely nothing to buy there; very safe area to take your woman for a walk. These romantic inexpensive walks are part of the way you are going to bond and fall deeper in love without having to spend a lot. You should however take a quick course in foot massage because after a romantic 4 km walk, she is definitely going to ask for ice cream. Take her mind off asking for anything by offering her a massage.

Look at such a wonderful place to go on a romantic walk. No shops whatsoever in sight!

The Bank Statement Move

Whenever it’s approaching the end of the month, your bank balance is bound to have plenty of empty spaces and a few negatives in some cases. Make a trip to the bank, get the statement that shows your current balance being in negatives and randomly leave it lying around in the house. This one will work like magic. If she sees this bank statement (which she must see by all means because you are going to leave it somewhere obvious like in the kitchen) she is most likely not to ask for too many things for some time. Even if she asks for something, you will innocently say that you will do your best but deep down you know that she is aware that your bank balance is in negatives and there is not much you can do. Obviously women (being the sharper sex) have learnt that this move can be countered by asking for a man’s bank statement at the beginning of the month. Gentlemen, when she asks for the bank statement, come up with an excuse about the bank not delivering the statement. Say something like “Honey pie, Cairo Bank is going to be taken over by Barclays Bank so for 3 months they will not be giving us statements.” That ought to drive the point home. That should keep you going for at least 3 months. This strategy however works best if your wife is a former maid who has not been to school and spends the whole day at home watching Agataliko Nfufu and translated Nigerian movies. If your wife is the learned type, consider this a no-go area.

Cut expenses – stop cheating

There are four things in this world that are just so damn expensive; bribing a judge, hiring Beyonce for a private show, renting a room in a Dubai Hotel and Cheating. While you can sign a quick cheque and have the first 3 at your disposal, cheating is something that costs you a lot more than just the zeros you have in the bank. Since times are hard, you have to be keen to cut down on expenses and one of the expenses that usually stands out is the cheating expense. Having more than one woman usually means having to spend on more than one woman. On special days like birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day, you are going to have to foot double bills. Apart from that, you cannot take both ladies for that other romantic walk on Ben Kiwanuka Street; there will be a brawl.

Having two women is dangerous. You could end up with scenes like these

Gentlemen, if you are looking to have inexpensive love, do the honorable thing and friend zone one of the girls right away. If she asks you why you are pushing her away, use that classic line, “It’s not you baby. It’s me” of course deep down you probably want to add “…it’s not me either. It’s my wallet” but you shall not under any circumstances add that last bit or else you will have a funeral for your manhood. For purposes of keeping your ego intact, when a random juicy babe shows up while you are already dating someone, simply tell her you would buy her everything she wants but you just can’t because you love your partner so much and you want to commit to her 100%. This is going to score you points because it makes you come off as financially able and yet strangely gentleman like. Double score!

Stop making it rain

Many men have the tendency of going to a bar, flashing around money (making it rain) and hoping that they will somehow get girls to go home with them. Strangely, this usually works because like I said, times are hard and many ladies know it. If a dude shows up and wants to buy half the bar for a lady, who the hell is she to turn down such an offer when all she has in the fridge at home is the mineral water that is left over from last week’s visit by a friend? The economy will not sit around and wait for people who cannot grab business opportunities like these. Knowing this then, a man should try as much as possible to leave his ATM cards back at home, with his wife. This way, you do not get to spend excessively and in case you go broke, you have someone to blame. Those random girls who call you up and ask for airtime should be renamed in your phone as “Do not pick 5” “Leech 2” or “Parasite 4”. That way, you will know that every time you are picking up a phone call from “Parasite 6” you are bound to lose a couple of thousand shillings. Ladies are probably reading this and thinking I am creating some kind of conspiracy to keep them perpetually broke. But look here ladies; if your man spends on you and five other girls, what are the odds that you will actually get that Rav 4 you want? How about if he spends on only you? Doesn’t that give you a better chance to drop by your friend’s workplace with your very own Rav 4 bought by your very own personalized boyfriend? Think about it.

unless a man is making a music video about making it rain, this should never ever happen!

When times are hard, you have to find a way to survive. As a man, it is your responsibility to make sure that the women is well catered for at all times. Make sure that as you try to cater for her you do not end up taking loans, selling off property and doing funny odd jobs just to make ends meet. Be a man and embark on low budget love; times are hard.

I leave you with one quite to guide you through the week …

“There is only one thing to do for a man who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it” –  Edgar Watson Howe

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

The Question of Age

It has always been drummed in our ears that one of the questions you should never ask a woman is how old she is. Many women will do everything and anything in their power to keep their true age a secret. The fact is that until around their mid twenties, many women will usually have no problem telling you how old they are. After 25, it is mostly just a guessing game. If you are keen enough to keep track, you could attempt to lodge a complaint and try to correct the lady whenever she shaves off a year or two but I warn you – results will vary from lost friendship to lost life. Beware! That said, it is becoming a common scenario that a couple of men are getting a little uncomfortable being ‘old’ and they too have joined in on the attempts to hide their true age. I originally thought a woman’s age, a man’s salary and the President’s mobile phone number are the 3 things you just will never know. As it turns out, the issue of age is more profound than I imagined. Anyway, I decided to take some time and dig a little deeper into this whole question of age so I could try to understand it better.

The Immaturity of some should-be-mature People

It would seem that as people grow older, the functionality of their brains will also mature. This of course, as fate would have it, is just but an assumption that is usually torn to shreds by a good number of folks. Many people have been victim to this and very often you will find these people behaving like and speaking like immature little fetuses. By the time an adult throws rubbish from his car window in the middle of town, you can’t help but wonder why such a person should not be taken through the paces at Kindergarten so they can learn not to litter. If you have been to several hang outs and night spots in Kampala, you will probably have witnessed the childhood madness that some menopause-bound women display. You will come across some really old women dressed like overzealous teenagers going for a sweet sixteen birthday party or looking like little girls going to the bar for the very first time and looking to leave an impression. They do succeed in leaving a lasting impression although most times it is not a good one. Occasionally you will see them being featured in the tabloids for reasons far from noble. It is true that we all have moments of childhood madness when we do things that are ideally suited for children. However if you are going to momentarily be young, do not go as low as sucking your thumb or walking around with your private parts out. We all have little children in us and we cannot be blamed for letting them out every now and again but in all honesty if you are an adult and the little child in you is making most of the decisions in your life, you need to consider suffocating that little child. Never mind the fact that child murder has been an issue of contention in Uganda. Just go ahead and starve the little chap to death; it is for your own good.

The Guessing & Estimation Game

There are times when you meet someone and instantly make an estimate about how old they might be, as observed from their speech, dress code and conduct. Sometimes you actually even know the person’s actual age because you probably studied together or you are somehow related. Despite this, you need to know that estimating or making a guess about how old they might be is not a wise thing to do. As I recently learnt, you should never estimate someone’s age no matter how tempting it might seem. Very recently I had the luck of getting invited for a birthday party of a dude who has been out of the country for quite a while. Since his return, he’s been throwing parties left right and center. First it was the comeback party, then there was a house warming, then he got a new dog and wanted to celebrate, then he got a maid and that too needed to be celebrated. This time round, it was his birthday; at least that is what I was told. While we were partying away the night, I very casually get into conversation with him and asked if he felt any different from how he felt a year ago. The conversation went something like this …

Me: So, dude, do you feel any different now?

Him: Nah. I still feel like I am 18.

Me: Awesome. You must be hitting the gym quite a lot and feeding well

Him: Not really. I think I just have good genes

Me: Good genes? Nice. So, how old are you anyway?

Him: I just made 25.

(At this point, I almost spat out my drink because this is a guy I studied with several years ago. I remember this so well because he was a class ahead of me and he tried to bully me, once or twice)

Me: 25? Hold up; I thought you were making 29 or 30… you sure it’s 25?

Him: This is why I hate you Ugandans!

(Note that he too is very much Ugandan. He just happened to live in the UK for 3 years)

Me: What’s up with Ugandans?

Him: You guys think that because a guy has money he must be old. I am just 25. I am not as old as you are. Deal with it!

This was probably my cue to end the conversation or switch to something else. There was the option of leaving the party altogether but of course that was not going to happen just yet coz a fresh supply of beer had just been brought in. There was no way I was leaving that behind. So I opted to switch the conversation to something more comfortable; sports. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done. The guy was offended that I had thought he was ‘old’.

I spent a good chunk of the night avoiding him and wondering why he wanted to desperately to stay young yet some of us secretly hope we could add a year or two onto what we already have. People tend to respect you more and believe you more when you are older so naturally some of us prefer to have a few years added.  Well, this dude just wasn’t one of us. Till now, I’m still wondering why a man would want to stay young.

Is Older Wiser?

The natural progression of things often dictates the older one grows the wiser they become. In many places this is not necessarily the case especially for those in positions of power. It would seem like when some politicians just get into power, they are full of ideas, extremely focused and often quite hardworking. A couple of years down the road and it seems like they get disillusioned and lose their sense of judgment. For many people in politics, the older you grow, the more you are loved but of course we all know that this is just so wrong, offensive even. People grow old and suddenly their taste buds for power demand more juices. They start to do some really strange things so they can make their stay in power longer. In my high school, during the Literature lessons, our teacher often told us to avoid ‘megalomania’ (desire to wield too much power or assumption that one’s power is very impacting) as much as we could because it was and still is the source of most of the world’s problems. The obsession of having too much power is something that many ‘older’ people tend to acquire with time. Many times, it gets to worrying levels especially when the older folks start stifling the younger and more exuberant folks. While everyone says “the Youth are the leaders of tomorrow”, it increasingly becomes evident that tomorrow is still quite far off. And so the ‘youth’ are resigned to complaining about the retirement age that seems worlds away. They are also resigned to taking home money in sacks, as donated by the older and wiser lot. Then there is the ‘Youth Fund’ that is always talked about but never seems to materialize. For such reasons, the Youth end up saying things like “older is not necessarily wiser.”

Very recently when the news of Sir Alex Fergusson’s retirement became main stream, it was obvious that everyone was shocked. This dude seems like he could carry on with his role for a few more years but for some reason, he opted to retire; while he was still loved. It would do us all a lot of good if the older and wiser folks picked a leaf or two, or three, or even the entire branch, from Sir Alex. He has decided to take a back seat even when it is clear that he could still manage the job for a longer while. How I wish a few folks did this. I would have loved to add a name or two but I recently learnt that some of the very old people are getting more and more on the internet so they can see what the fuss is all about. They might bump into this blog and my life, as we know it, will be ended in an instant. So I shall not name names of people who I think should retire.  I will leave you to look at the roof, imagine a few names and silently say a prayer that they consider retirement sooner than later.

Avoiding an Early death

While you carry on living your life, there are some things you should avoid. Do not drink and drive, do not have unprotected sex, never touch electric wires with your bare hands and never under circumstances ask a woman her age. Until she has volunteered to tell you how old she is, you should stay away from this question as much as possible; you just may live long. It can however get tricky if a woman asks you how old you think she is. Take as much time as you need to answer this question because there is no room for failure. When a woman asks how old you think she is, it is most certainly your chance to either make a quick entrance into heaven or get a chance to live longer. If you are even as much as a day ahead of her real age, you are finished! If you are behind by a few years, you might get some reprieve. But then again, you do not want to make her so young because then, she will think you see her as a little child; you most certainly do not want that.

The response to ‘how old do you think I am’ will often one of two results, death or life. Answer wisely

Becoming Young yet again

I know many people who are often told to “act your age” because they are indulging in activities that are far beneath their years. While I will recommend that everyone has to be more mature in the way they speak, act and dress, I also recommend that if you can stay forever young, go for it! Staying forever young should not be a ticket for one to act like an immature little imp. It should be a chance for one to refresh oneself about the things that truly make one overly excited. There are little things like playing video games, running in the rain, watching cartoons, struggling for the biggest piece of cake, wanting to be with your mother all the time and my personal favorite – arguing about who is stronger between Superman and Batman. These are things that you can and should indulge in as often as you possibly can so you can remind yourself that even though the body is ageing, the soul is only getting younger, or in the very least, it is staying the same age. Everyone owes it to himself or herself to discover the childish things that excite them and they should embrace these things as much as possible. It’s the key to living a longer and happier life; if the advice my therapist gave me is anything to go by. This week, I shall recommend that we all take some time to discover those interesting things that we loved when we were little, the things we might be seen doing and told to “act your age”, the things that we secretly want to do when no one is watching. It’s time to be young yet again.

If you have you have to play in the mud to feel young again – so be it!

As the week gets off to a good start, I shall let you all take some time to think of something that keeps your spirit young. Identify these things and embrace them right away.

Here’s your weekly dose of inspiration to get you going …

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. – Samuel Ullman

Yours

Bernard

a.k.a

Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Getting Away With Murder

Being a responsible citizen often requires that you pay your taxes, stay away from engaging in strikes and do not under any circumstances commit murder. These are among the numerous laws that we as nationals attempt to live by so we can be seen to be law abiding citizens. With such laws governing our existence, it is hard to imagine how one can comfortably lead their lives knowing very well that there are some taxes that are just begging to be dodged, strikes that are just waiting for a trigger and people who seem to carry around a marking on their foreheads that screams “kill me now”. Somehow, we manage to refrain from doing all these things because we are well meaning citizens and also because we do not want to end up behind bars. However, there is only so much patience and resilience we can manage. Personally, I can only hold myself back from murdering a condescending egoistic snob only if I am several meters away from him. I know people who are put off by wrong Grammar so much that they often consider poisoning folks whose grammar is unpolished. I also know a lady who often has to take numerous deep breaths just so she does not end up killing a well endowed woman swinging her assets before her man. Let’s just say, everyone refrains from murder more often than we care to admit.

What if I told you that you can actually commit murder and get away with it? What if I told you that you can actually do away with these condescending people in some very simple steps? I know what you are thinking right now : ‘How the hell am I supposed to murder someone and not get found out? And this whole idea of Murder? Dude, you must be kidding me!’ Well, I shall have you know that as long as you have imagined someone being done away with somehow – you are a murderer, just like the rest of us. You have just not found a good place to hide the body or a suitable accomplice who will not talk otherwise you would have gotten through with it ages ago. So do not feel like this blog post is not for you. It is totally yours – you murderer.

I shall present you with a very well laid out plan of how you are going to murder this person you have been hoping to do away with for a while. Of course we shall start by making the assumption that you do not want to end up behind bars and that you would rather not be called a murderer by anyone, at least not in public. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – how to get away with murder.

The Deathly stare

I know a good number of my friends who if they looked at you for a little over 5 seconds you would want the ground to open up and swallow you right away. Their gaze is something between deathly and extremely gruesome. If you are one such person, your murder weapon shall be your eyes. Whenever this person you want to murder comes within staring distance, lock eyes with them and get into the nonstop staring mode. Make sure they get the point that you are staring them straight in the eye with no intention to flirt or exchange sweet glances but to send them to the grave, preferably a dark untended grave. Do this a couple of times and I can guarantee they will prefer to avoid your company. Do this consistently and if you listen closely to stories running around, you might start to hear something about you having a murderous stare – use this to your advantage. If anyone ruins your day or messes you up in anyway, employ your weapon and make merry. Why should you suffer in silence when you have a weapon of mass destruction right there with you? About time you fought back! In no time, you will realize that all the folks who give you a hard time will start to disappear from your presence. Congratulations my friend, you have just killed a couple of people without as much as raising dust.

The baby’s stare seems to say – Die human, Die!

The Repulsive Wayward Argument

There are quite a number of people (myself inclusive) who tend to hide behind words when we are getting beaten at anything. When we engage in an argument, we often throw about as many words as we can come up with. Often times, it is mostly just useless random jabber but because we shove it in your face, you are most likely to come under pressure and succumb. I have recently discovered (much to my excitement) that this is a very wonderful weapon with which one can do away with many people. If someone you totally do not like comes within hearing distance, you should take it upon yourself to let the taps of nonstop jabber lose. Obviously you are going to have to yap away with someone or else you might end up being remanded for losing a wire or two upstairs. If this particular person you loathe is looking to have a word with you, this is when your weapon is most likely to work. If they are asking you about a certain sport, act like you are entirely clueless about the sport and make it seem like that is the worst sport in the world. Tell them you do not like to talk about that sport because you have no time for useless childish sports. If they are asking you about women, you can do one of two things, either tell them you are gay and the subject of women does not interest you or tell them no one understands women more than you do. If they attempt to raise a point, motion for them to keep quiet and tell them they do not know a thing about women. Stretch it a little further and tell them they are armatures in handing women. This is most likely to degenerate into an argument in which case you can now employ the tactic of bringing up an entirely unrelated subject and yapping away for a good seven minutes. When they begin to look confused, get up and walk away in triumph. They will be very brave if they do not avoid you next time and in case they show up again, employ the same tactic. Over time, they will start to avoid you more and more, thus leaving you to your peace; another one bites the dust!

Intellectual Prowess

The purpose for which our parents take us to good schools and worthwhile Universities where they pay abnormally figures as tuition is so that we can emerge from the education system as refined individuals. If you went to a good school, studied in a top notch University and you do not call yourself an intellectual, start doing it now. An intellectual is someone who uses their intelligence in their profession, career or just about anywhere to get things done. If you are working as a call center agent or if a receptionist at a big reputable firm, there might not be too much intelligence required of you but who cares, we shall baptize you an intellectual anyway. Your intellectualism is now your weapon. For some people, the weapons might be a little rusty and old fashioned so take some time and polish them up. In Uganda, intellectuals are known by their language and not by their deeds so you are in luck. Enroll for an English course real quick. Have an App for the Dictionary on your phone’s home screen. Look up some big words and practice them over and over. Make sure each day you learn an abnormally big word because these are your bullets. If you know someone who you would prefer dead than alive, it is about time you pulled out your intellectual weapons. Get in their face and use words you are sure they do not understand. It does not matter in what order you use these words; just make sure you use no less than three huge words in each sentence. This will need a little practice but once you nail it, you will be thankful because it works every time. No need to be careful about the correctness of the words. You are an intellectual; your language cannot and should not be questioned. Use these words whenever this person approaches you. Very soon, they will start avoiding you for one of two reasons. Either they will avoid you because the words you use are too huge for them to understand or they will avoid you because you look and sound ridiculous using words that probably mean nothing to both of you anyway. Either way, you will have succeeded at eliminating them from your vicinity.

The Dirt Digging Method

Red Pepper is very famous for digging up dirt on people and using this dirt to make money. You too can do this, dig up dirt and use it as a weapon. You have to be careful though the way you dig up this dirt. Red Pepper’s motives are economic – they want to make money; your motives are not – you want to murder someone. Be sure that you keep your strategy under wraps because in this murder conspiracy, it is just you and the dirt you are digging up. If there is someone you are particularly not thrilled by, take some time and dig up as much dirt about them as you can. If this person does not have much dirt from their past, surely, you can come up with something – make it up if you have to. In this business of killing off people, creativity is very important because you are working hard to kill them off without the trace leading back to you. Make sure this dirt is tied to something that they know is factual. For instance if they studied in a certain single sex school, start up some rumor of how there are stories that they used to masturbate every after night preps. Make sure this made up story is told to one or two trusted friends of the person you loathe. The story should be told in such a way that it appears as if you were also just told. Whenever they see you, they will surely want to avoid you. This is death my friends; death by the rumour! If the story is true, you have hit a home-run  If the story is made up, you are getting there … just a few more people to say they have also heard the story and BOOM – you too have hit a home run. Bribe one or two people if you must. The business of murder is often not cheap, it requires investment.

Death on the Social Network

For many people who have been on the social network for a while, you will know by now that there are fewer places where people are killed more than on social networking sites. If someone seems to be getting on your nerves and you would like to send them to the gallows, start a trend on Twitter. With the FOMO that Ugandans have, you will find a person or two with a similar grudge. Eventually you will have many people making up all sorts of allegations most of which are extremely wrong and abnormally offensive. Who cares? We want the person dead and that is all that matters, after all, it is fun. Trends are usually fun (of course until it is about you in which case you either shut down your account like Bijou did or you just lean back and enjoy the battering like Sheila Gashumba and Denzel Mwiyeretsi did. Very brave Tweeps those ones) If somehow you cannot come up with a Trend because you aren’t as hilarious and you have only 5 followers, 4 being offline most of the time, worry not – head to your Blog. Since blogging is mostly free, you can go ahead and rant about this person, free of charge.

Which reminds me … On April 26^th, a strange article was published in the New Vision online by otherwise good writers Nigel Nassar and George Wabweyo. I know Nigel is a good writer. I am not sure about George though because I don’t know him that much; I think he is also a writer, somehow. These two came up with a piece in the Lifestyle section Twitter wars: where is Uganda@? I read through the piece and shook my head in utter disappointment. The message in their article was something between rubbish, garbage and just plain nonsense. How and why the editor even allowed it to run, I have no idea but my guess is these guys probably arm twisted their editor because I highly doubt he or she would sanction such a waste of internet space. Of course since I have plenty of respect for Nigel and George; I respect all people who have the guts to call themselves journalists and for that reason I shall desist from launching an all out attack. In their article, these ‘Twitter experts’ kept saying Twitter has a 160 character limit which I found very disturbing because all you have to do is get on Twitter to realize that it is actually a 140 character limit site. The very least you can do is Google “twitter Character limit” and you will realize that it is 140 and not 160 characters. Also, there are plenty of suggestions in this article that the writers are “still locked up in the medieval times” as they have no clue about what Twitter really is. I took some time to look up their accounts on Twitter; ladies and gentlemen, Nigel and George are really new to Twitter.

   

Between the 2 of them, these guys have 7 Tweets, 64 followers & an egg – Interesting

I could have started a trend on these two but because I love me a good old fashioned sane argument, I decided to leave a message for them just beneath their article; I await a response. So before I engage in killing Nigel and George, I shall give them an opportunity to apologize to UOT (Ugandans On Twitter) for embarrassing us in such a way that everyone now thinks all Ugandans on Twitter are really medieval. My friends in Kenya, South Africa, Nigeria and even Rwanda are having a really hearty laugh – to the expense of UOT. This is not cool at all. Some of us are not even as medieval as the article suggests so we sort of want to kill Nigel and George; don’t blame us – we tend to take things personal; we love our country.

A couple of other Ugandans were not too impressed and will probably be looking for ways to kill Nigel and George

…And to Wrap it up

Ok to be really honest, my entire intention of writing this Blog was to somehow send the message to those two well paid writers that no mistakes go unpunished. Their editor might have been too busy to notice that fat gaping glitch in their shoddy article but the rest of us have enough time on our hands to see those mistakes. We love our Country so much that when anyone says something negative, we are ready to go up in arms – always! And if the article is making UOT look pathetic, I am going to go all up in arms; no question about that. I had quite a lot of explaining to do with certain KOT folks as they kept asking me whether the New Vision is really one of Uganda’s leading dailies and what business it has putting up such worthless material. I was also tasked to answer what hope UOT has if the ‘experts’ actually have no clue about Twitter. Obviously like the country loving Ugandan I am, I had to put up a fight for my country but there is only so much I could do. Kenyans are brutal when it comes to the internet and like Nigel and George rightly mentioned in their article, Kenyans usually triumph in their online wars. Lucky for me, I rarely lose a fight – unless it involves actual muscles (I am rather skinny). If the battle has to do with words, I am usually either on the winning side or on the side that does not lose. Of course many times I am in the absolute wrong but I shall fight till the very end.

So having said this, I shall leave you all to go head and think of all those people you have always wanted to do away with. Find a way to eliminate them from your vicinity without raising an alarm and without spending some time behind the bars. Also, I will be waiting for some kind of response from the two distinguished writers.

I leave you all with a quote to guide you through this week

“If it weren’t for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.”

― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker