Getting Away With Murder

Being a responsible citizen often requires that you pay your taxes, stay away from engaging in strikes and do not under any circumstances commit murder. These are among the numerous laws that we as nationals attempt to live by so we can be seen to be law abiding citizens. With such laws governing our existence, it is hard to imagine how one can comfortably lead their lives knowing very well that there are some taxes that are just begging to be dodged, strikes that are just waiting for a trigger and people who seem to carry around a marking on their foreheads that screams “kill me now”. Somehow, we manage to refrain from doing all these things because we are well meaning citizens and also because we do not want to end up behind bars. However, there is only so much patience and resilience we can manage. Personally, I can only hold myself back from murdering a condescending egoistic snob only if I am several meters away from him. I know people who are put off by wrong Grammar so much that they often consider poisoning folks whose grammar is unpolished. I also know a lady who often has to take numerous deep breaths just so she does not end up killing a well endowed woman swinging her assets before her man. Let’s just say, everyone refrains from murder more often than we care to admit.

What if I told you that you can actually commit murder and get away with it? What if I told you that you can actually do away with these condescending people in some very simple steps? I know what you are thinking right now : ‘How the hell am I supposed to murder someone and not get found out? And this whole idea of Murder? Dude, you must be kidding me!’ Well, I shall have you know that as long as you have imagined someone being done away with somehow – you are a murderer, just like the rest of us. You have just not found a good place to hide the body or a suitable accomplice who will not talk otherwise you would have gotten through with it ages ago. So do not feel like this blog post is not for you. It is totally yours – you murderer.

I shall present you with a very well laid out plan of how you are going to murder this person you have been hoping to do away with for a while. Of course we shall start by making the assumption that you do not want to end up behind bars and that you would rather not be called a murderer by anyone, at least not in public. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – how to get away with murder.

The Deathly stare

I know a good number of my friends who if they looked at you for a little over 5 seconds you would want the ground to open up and swallow you right away. Their gaze is something between deathly and extremely gruesome. If you are one such person, your murder weapon shall be your eyes. Whenever this person you want to murder comes within staring distance, lock eyes with them and get into the nonstop staring mode. Make sure they get the point that you are staring them straight in the eye with no intention to flirt or exchange sweet glances but to send them to the grave, preferably a dark untended grave. Do this a couple of times and I can guarantee they will prefer to avoid your company. Do this consistently and if you listen closely to stories running around, you might start to hear something about you having a murderous stare – use this to your advantage. If anyone ruins your day or messes you up in anyway, employ your weapon and make merry. Why should you suffer in silence when you have a weapon of mass destruction right there with you? About time you fought back! In no time, you will realize that all the folks who give you a hard time will start to disappear from your presence. Congratulations my friend, you have just killed a couple of people without as much as raising dust.

Baby

The baby’s stare seems to say – Die human, Die!

The Repulsive Wayward Argument

There are quite a number of people (myself inclusive) who tend to hide behind words when we are getting beaten at anything. When we engage in an argument, we often throw about as many words as we can come up with. Often times, it is mostly just useless random jabber but because we shove it in your face, you are most likely to come under pressure and succumb. I have recently discovered (much to my excitement) that this is a very wonderful weapon with which one can do away with many people. If someone you totally do not like comes within hearing distance, you should take it upon yourself to let the taps of nonstop jabber lose. Obviously you are going to have to yap away with someone or else you might end up being remanded for losing a wire or two upstairs. If this particular person you loathe is looking to have a word with you, this is when your weapon is most likely to work. If they are asking you about a certain sport, act like you are entirely clueless about the sport and make it seem like that is the worst sport in the world. Tell them you do not like to talk about that sport because you have no time for useless childish sports. If they are asking you about women, you can do one of two things, either tell them you are gay and the subject of women does not interest you or tell them no one understands women more than you do. If they attempt to raise a point, motion for them to keep quiet and tell them they do not know a thing about women. Stretch it a little further and tell them they are armatures in handing women. This is most likely to degenerate into an argument in which case you can now employ the tactic of bringing up an entirely unrelated subject and yapping away for a good seven minutes. When they begin to look confused, get up and walk away in triumph. They will be very brave if they do not avoid you next time and in case they show up again, employ the same tactic. Over time, they will start to avoid you more and more, thus leaving you to your peace; another one bites the dust!

Intellectual Prowess

The purpose for which our parents take us to good schools and worthwhile Universities where they pay abnormally figures as tuition is so that we can emerge from the education system as refined individuals. If you went to a good school, studied in a top notch University and you do not call yourself an intellectual, start doing it now. An intellectual is someone who uses their intelligence in their profession, career or just about anywhere to get things done. If you are working as a call center agent or if a receptionist at a big reputable firm, there might not be too much intelligence required of you but who cares, we shall baptize you an intellectual anyway. Your intellectualism is now your weapon. For some people, the weapons might be a little rusty and old fashioned so take some time and polish them up. In Uganda, intellectuals are known by their language and not by their deeds so you are in luck. Enroll for an English course real quick. Have an App for the Dictionary on your phone’s home screen. Look up some big words and practice them over and over. Make sure each day you learn an abnormally big word because these are your bullets. If you know someone who you would prefer dead than alive, it is about time you pulled out your intellectual weapons. Get in their face and use words you are sure they do not understand. It does not matter in what order you use these words; just make sure you use no less than three huge words in each sentence. This will need a little practice but once you nail it, you will be thankful because it works every time. No need to be careful about the correctness of the words. You are an intellectual; your language cannot and should not be questioned. Use these words whenever this person approaches you. Very soon, they will start avoiding you for one of two reasons. Either they will avoid you because the words you use are too huge for them to understand or they will avoid you because you look and sound ridiculous using words that probably mean nothing to both of you anyway. Either way, you will have succeeded at eliminating them from your vicinity.

The Dirt Digging Method

Red Pepper is very famous for digging up dirt on people and using this dirt to make money. You too can do this, dig up dirt and use it as a weapon. You have to be careful though the way you dig up this dirt. Red Pepper’s motives are economic – they want to make money; your motives are not – you want to murder someone. Be sure that you keep your strategy under wraps because in this murder conspiracy, it is just you and the dirt you are digging up. If there is someone you are particularly not thrilled by, take some time and dig up as much dirt about them as you can. If this person does not have much dirt from their past, surely, you can come up with something – make it up if you have to. In this business of killing off people, creativity is very important because you are working hard to kill them off without the trace leading back to you. Make sure this dirt is tied to something that they know is factual. For instance if they studied in a certain single sex school, start up some rumor of how there are stories that they used to masturbate every after night preps. Make sure this made up story is told to one or two trusted friends of the person you loathe. The story should be told in such a way that it appears as if you were also just told. Whenever they see you, they will surely want to avoid you. This is death my friends; death by the rumour! If the story is true, you have hit a home-run  If the story is made up, you are getting there … just a few more people to say they have also heard the story and BOOM – you too have hit a home run. Bribe one or two people if you must. The business of murder is often not cheap, it requires investment.

Death on the Social Network

For many people who have been on the social network for a while, you will know by now that there are fewer places where people are killed more than on social networking sites. If someone seems to be getting on your nerves and you would like to send them to the gallows, start a trend on Twitter. With the FOMO that Ugandans have, you will find a person or two with a similar grudge. Eventually you will have many people making up all sorts of allegations most of which are extremely wrong and abnormally offensive. Who cares? We want the person dead and that is all that matters, after all, it is fun. Trends are usually fun (of course until it is about you in which case you either shut down your account like Bijou did or you just lean back and enjoy the battering like Sheila Gashumba and Denzel Mwiyeretsi did. Very brave Tweeps those ones) If somehow you cannot come up with a Trend because you aren’t as hilarious and you have only 5 followers, 4 being offline most of the time, worry not – head to your Blog. Since blogging is mostly free, you can go ahead and rant about this person, free of charge.

Which reminds me … On April 26th, a strange article was published in the New Vision online by otherwise good writers Nigel Nassar and George Wabweyo. I know Nigel is a good writer. I am not sure about George though because I don’t know him that much; I think he is also a writer, somehow. These two came up with a piece in the Lifestyle section Twitter wars: where is Uganda@? I read through the piece and shook my head in utter disappointment. The message in their article was something between rubbish, garbage and just plain nonsense. How and why the editor even allowed it to run, I have no idea but my guess is these guys probably arm twisted their editor because I highly doubt he or she would sanction such a waste of internet space. Of course since I have plenty of respect for Nigel and George; I respect all people who have the guts to call themselves journalists and for that reason I shall desist from launching an all out attack. In their article, these ‘Twitter experts’ kept saying Twitter has a 160 character limit which I found very disturbing because all you have to do is get on Twitter to realize that it is actually a 140 character limit site. The very least you can do is Google “twitter Character limit” and you will realize that it is 140 and not 160 characters. Also, there are plenty of suggestions in this article that the writers are “still locked up in the medieval times” as they have no clue about what Twitter really is. I took some time to look up their accounts on Twitter; ladies and gentlemen, Nigel and George are really new to Twitter.

Goerge   Nigel

Between the 2 of them, these guys have 7 Tweets, 64 followers & an egg – Interesting

I could have started a trend on these two but because I love me a good old fashioned sane argument, I decided to leave a message for them just beneath their article; I await a response. So before I engage in killing Nigel and George, I shall give them an opportunity to apologize to UOT (Ugandans On Twitter) for embarrassing us in such a way that everyone now thinks all Ugandans on Twitter are really medieval. My friends in Kenya, South Africa, Nigeria and even Rwanda are having a really hearty laugh – to the expense of UOT. This is not cool at all. Some of us are not even as medieval as the article suggests so we sort of want to kill Nigel and George; don’t blame us – we tend to take things personal; we love our country.

Story

A couple of other Ugandans were not too impressed and will probably be looking for ways to kill Nigel and George

…And to Wrap it up

Ok to be really honest, my entire intention of writing this Blog was to somehow send the message to those two well paid writers that no mistakes go unpunished. Their editor might have been too busy to notice that fat gaping glitch in their shoddy article but the rest of us have enough time on our hands to see those mistakes. We love our Country so much that when anyone says something negative, we are ready to go up in arms – always! And if the article is making UOT look pathetic, I am going to go all up in arms; no question about that. I had quite a lot of explaining to do with certain KOT folks as they kept asking me whether the New Vision is really one of Uganda’s leading dailies and what business it has putting up such worthless material. I was also tasked to answer what hope UOT has if the ‘experts’ actually have no clue about Twitter. Obviously like the country loving Ugandan I am, I had to put up a fight for my country but there is only so much I could do. Kenyans are brutal when it comes to the internet and like Nigel and George rightly mentioned in their article, Kenyans usually triumph in their online wars. Lucky for me, I rarely lose a fight – unless it involves actual muscles (I am rather skinny). If the battle has to do with words, I am usually either on the winning side or on the side that does not lose. Of course many times I am in the absolute wrong but I shall fight till the very end.

So having said this, I shall leave you all to go head and think of all those people you have always wanted to do away with. Find a way to eliminate them from your vicinity without raising an alarm and without spending some time behind the bars. Also, I will be waiting for some kind of response from the two distinguished writers.

I leave you all with a quote to guide you through this week

“If it weren’t for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.”

― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

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16 thoughts on “Getting Away With Murder

  1. Talkative Rocker, this is George, please kill me? Yes, I want to die because I said Ugandans don’t tweet as good as Kenyans and backed it up with info-graphics. Come on dude, except from the mistake about the 160 characters, I do not see any other argument from you. And you do not look like someone who would understand what drives journalism. What? Now you are the Ugandan Knight of twitter? Sue me! You think everyone who writes about health is a doctor? I am a journalist not a twitter slacker! I work backed by research and observation. Anyway, you have fun with your campaign, I would love to apologize to you but last time I checked, you are only big on tweets…other than that…?????? Count your blessings in followers… It is you who owes us an apology for taking this personal. Meanwhile, except from you guys trying to fault Kenyans on grammar issues which was like clasping at straws, there was really nothing you guys did. The Kenyans floored you…Live with it…that article was actually trying to get more Ugandans on twitter…By the way, I have like three twitter accounts and what you have there is just a discard…sorry bro

    • Thank you for your response George 🙂 At least now we know a couple of things. First, we know that you wrote your article as a journalist and not as a Twitter expert. I however believe that if you are writing such an article, it does not hurt to ask a few real Tweeps what their take on the subject is. If a journalist is writing something about the medical profession, Doctors will take it very personal if he mentions something wrong about their profession. They are passionate about Medicine and so they will not simply say “It’s ok. That was a minor mistake”. Nop. They will go up in arms because they feel someone is misrepresenting something that they are actually passionate about; that’s me and Twitter. That said, I do agree with you (and I’m sure I highlighted this in my blog post) that Kenyans are ahead of Ugandans on the Twitter front. No question about that. Your article however seemed hell bent on showing that Ugandans have no clue how to run the Twitter game which is just so wrong! Why would you attack Tweeps like Allan Kassuja, Brian Mckenzie and Joy Doreen Biira if you had noble intentions? As for the apology, I am sure this is as close to an apology as I will get so I will settle for this 🙂 I’m really just a Ugandan who is passionate about Twitter so anyone who says we are pathetic on Twitter (no matter how close to the truth it might be) will definitely rub me the wrong way. Also, the issue about 160 Xters … what were you thinking making the same mistake over and over? Do you honestly feel like it is just a minor mistake or do you actually know that whatever other points you had were nullified by that gaping mistake? I am in a good mood this morning so I’ll not carry on with my rant. By the way, you could be right about one other thing – I am not someone who ”understands what drives journalism”. However, if what you did in your article is what drives journalism, that’s a mighty crush we are headed for. Better strap yourself in mate. Say hello to Nigel for me please 🙂

    • First of all for a journalist, a profession that essentially revolves around words, your written English is rather lacking.
      Ugandans don’t tweet as well* as Kenyans you say( i’m not even going to bother getting into the details of that), and mention research. What research was this? Can you maybe avail us with real numbers or was it just you and Nigel sitting at a pc reading through the tweets on the TT? Those of us “twitter slackers” call that checking your Timeline, this is what you probably mean by research and observation.
      *Random twitter fact*
      Did you know that tweets by users with protected accounts don’t show up in feed

      Not everyone who writes about health is a doctor but its important that they know what they’re talking about and can convey that information properly otherwise it counts as a shitty article.
      Kind of like that “article” you wrote. Also in the same way that not everyone who writes about health isn’t a doctor, not everyone who’s job title says Journalist is a *Journalist* ask the real journalists. For one they wouldn’t refer to that article as journalism.

      The fact that you even wrote an article about it says a lot, lifestyle piece or not, trending Topics change by the hour, they’re a dime a dozen. Your article is going on about a Sevo back story LMAO, the TT started following the #SometellSheilaGashumba, #SometellDenzel..et.c TTs, they just substituted names. The sevo tweets were just ammo. If you were feeling left out though, all you had to do is live tweet about it, use the newvision handle, retweet a few, make comments et.c et.c

      Oh and as for encouraging Ugandans to join twitter, LOL, Twitter holla at you and ask for your help? And how was that supposed to work? help, me understand!! Was this some sort of recruitment for twitter soldiers to join the Kenya-Uganda twitter war? A public call to arms?? LMAO..

      Have seat a stadium full of seats!!! Nakivubo \__ \__ \__

      • “…Not everyone who writes about health is a doctor but its important that they know what they’re talking about and can convey that information properly otherwise it counts as a shitty article…”

        I couldn’t have said it better than you Veritas. I just couldn’t.

  2. Hello Beewol,
    I understand your rant but I think you are unnecessarily taking offense in an article which is rather meant to encourage Ugandans to get online and drive our own narrative like the Kenyans did in the #SomeonetellCNN. try to reread the story and wear some lenses. that is why the paper did a backgrounder on the war btn UOT and KOT.

    If you interpreted it as an attack on UOT, that’s your problem.

    Ugandans for all the progress we are making, are still inept. This is information supported by research.Apart from the error of the word limit, I dont exactly see any other error.the story in the paper mentions the tweets and their and twitterazis.

    • No one is disputing the fact that Ugandans are inept. If anything, we all agree on that. However,if your intention is to drive Ugandans to join Twitter, you don’t do it by rubbishing those who are on it. That right there is my problem. I personally try to get more Ugandans on Twitter by engaging in various online Trends, going for Tweetups, encouraging brands, individuals and companies to embrace Twtiter and basically spreading the Twitter Gospel wherever I go. And this is why I feel offended (and it is probably why I took it personal) when I read that article. If you can not understand my reasons, then I am not sure we are on the same wave length. Also, one of the reasons why Ugandans continue to lag behind not just on Twitter but elsewhere is because of our failure to pay attention to detail. Do you know what people outside Uganda think when they read an article on the New Vision site that says the Twitter count is 160? Do you know what impression they have about Uganda? Don’t answer that because I am sure you are not happy about it. Hope we can continue this discussion on Twitter!

  3. You don’t read newspapers that often, it is obvious. And your level of articulating stuff is amazingly low, that I will tell you. You do raise a reasonable argument that is unfortunately trashed by your foot-shooting ability to take things too personal. Just so you know, I was in the thick of you guys losing that tweef real time…I actually monitored it all through and have quite a lot of your stale salvos which did not help…it seems the gift of a sense of humour is not given to everyone.Tweeps like Allan Kassuja, Brian Mckenzie and Joy Doreen Biira had tweets and rejoinders that did not tickle my fancy as artillery for a tweef. Yours were neither impressive and I have collections of that. The only reason I did not mention you is because my audiences(the people who read newspapers; which must be the whole of Uganda, do not know who Talkative Rocker is and you are even lucky I put some caps while spelling your name. Ugandans on twitter suck and Ugandans suck at twitter; plain truths that you can go cry over and be emotional about. Then lets see if I bat a lid- see? I can also be as condescending as you. I can also get on some ignorant and myopic shit. You almost seem to be doing this in hopes of having a trending topic and amassing a larger twitter following since that must be the currency you get paid in. The 160 thing was a typo that was overlooked severally and that was quite unfortunate. I know for a fact that I typed out 140…Get to know the Newspaper process…. Otherwise look for the newspaper version with the info-graphics before you start irreverently hitting at your keyboard. I might be a bigger authority on social media than you are…but heck, I don’t win a medal for that so tweet away brother. Until Ugandans who spend more time on twitter stop acting like an elite, the rest of Uganda will keep saying sod your 140 characters, we can write a million lines out here.

    Meanwhile, talking about shoddy articles, you might be able to articulate yourself but this here is a shoddy article from you. It takes you over 2000 words of blindfolded and stationery writing to get to your point and even when you do, it still remains a rant on a blind-date. I could bring you back to the human side by teaching you spelling and stuff but I remember you guys got nowhere with that when Kenya floored you (us). I do not have a problem with you correcting a fault of mine, I have a problem with you taking stuff personal. My friend, next time you do have something to say say it with humility lest you risk self destructing your own course. Still, you did have reasonable points to raise but as someone who is used to a limit of 140 characters(or is it140?) to communicate, a blog does not quite cut it! The only time you will raise my attention as a tweep is when you start using your real name and tweeting on relevant stuff. As long as you are on your vanity fair tweets, you stay below my radar… I am done. just like you, I have a pseudonym on twitter, the other accounts you will find are formality…get to know that! Finally, as a last below the belt, I do not find you funny at all…seems like a mild attempt to write like them Urban Legend dudes who are quite good! You are a great tweep, yeah yeah but humour is not your forte

    • [“…The 160 thing was a typo that was overlooked severally and that was quite unfortunate. I know for a fact that I typed out 140..”]
      You need a round of applause right there. That was very professional of you. And that is what I have been trying to look for. It might seem like a minor detail to you but it is not to me. I would have let it go if I didn’t have a Kenyan asking me if we Ugandans even know anything about Twitter. You my friend are doing a good job selling us short.

      [“The only reason I did not mention you is because my audiences(the people who read newspapers; which must be the whole of Uganda, do not know who Talkative Rocker is and you are even lucky I put some caps while spelling your name.”]
      Wow. You put my name in Caps? I am so delighted 🙂 Thank you so much. I hope all my friends read the article and saw their unknown buddy being quoted. I am getting somewhere thanks to you bro.

      [“..Finally, as a last below the belt, I do not find you funny at all…”]
      Oh No! Now that’s just disappointing. You started off well with putting my name in Caps and all. Now you don’t find me funny? Come on mate. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to somehow value your opinion and stop thinking I’m funny. Might even consider stopping these blogs coz it seems like I bore you. I am really hurt.

      [“…You are a great tweep, yeah yeah but humour is not your forte..”]
      Now that’s just plain cold. You don’t think I’m humorous? I am crushed. Really really crushed. You don’t want to reconsider your opinion? It does matter you know. Please reconsider 🙂

  4. Ok, someone really needs to enlighten this ‘journalist’ George on a number of various issues, so as to save him from any further embarassment. George, you said ‘I am a journalist not a twitter slacker! I work backed by research and observation’, well obviously that’s not totally accurate since you clearly hadn’t done your research on twitter, as beewol so ably pointed out. Anyway not going to dwell on that subject though as pretty clueless myself on this whole twitter business, so will steer clear of it, (something you should have done as well by the way). You say; ‘The only reason I did not mention you is because my audiences(the people who read newspapers; which must be the whole of Uganda, do not know who Talkative Rocker is and you are even lucky I put some caps while spelling your name’ and that is where I come in; – George I can assure you that there are more Ugandans that know who Talkative Rocker is than those who know who the hell you are. Speak to any true rock fan in this country, and they’ll enlighten you on who Talkative Rocker is, and before you say it, yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re not a rock expert, you’re a journalist so you wouldn’t have a clue, would you? I could have suggested you do your job and do some research on it, but you have already proven that isn’t quite your forte either. If you’re going to be limited to just one particular field, at least be good in that field! You think that because a story runs in a paper under your by-line that makes you an expert in journalism? Oh Please! Unless you’re Lillian Barenzi, Ernest Bazanye, Timothy Bukumunhe, or belong to that calibre of writer, you aren’t anybody in your field, which Talkative Rocker happens to be – a somebody in his field (and there’s more than one of those (fields) by the way). And just so you know, he’s a far better writer than you could ever aspire to be, journalist or not.

    • Thank you Maggie! I’m sure George will appreciate the fact that shoving his career in people’s faces is not worthwhile, no matter how good he may be at it. Even then, a little modesty goes a long way. As a ‘journalist’ he ought to be in touch with people in other fields as well so that he can be a more balanced (and accurate) journalist. If one is a mediocre journalist or God forbid, a wannabe journalist, it’s better (safer even) to keep calm and not go all out on other folks in their careers or areas of interest otherwise one risks a backlash. From what I gather, it would appear therefore that even George’s ‘journalistic’ capabilities are in question …but then again, he is the journalist here so the rest of us shall just lean back. Hopefully though, the point about getting things right has gone home 🙂

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