I am disappointed in my Country

If you have been to any court of law in Uganda you know by now that even before you open your mouth to defend or attack someone you need to have some kind of substantial backing. The backing is often in the form of well put-together evidence, an array of witnesses and legitimate citing of support by the constitution – among other things. Ideally when all these elements are brought together and they fit perfectly, one can confidently claim to have a legitimate case.

I am fully aware that the justice system in Uganda has its shortcomings and therefore cannot be looked at as the Oracle. However, I have learnt over time that institutions only work if we believe in them – and if we let them carry out their processes with legitimacy, decency and fairness. Recently, I learnt that as much as the justice system is designed or intended to offer justice, a good number of people have actually suffered because of this same justice system and those who work with and in it.

The issue of minorities is an issue that will forever create debate because as long as the human race exists, there will always be minorities in terms of race, age, sex, faith, orientation, physical build and ideology. The manner in which the justice system handles these “minorities” is one that I have come to learn is unfair, extremely prejudiced and abnormally inhumane.

On Friday 27th February, I attended a get-together organised by Chapter Four Uganda under the theme “Justice4All”. The focus of this get-together was to launch a report titled “The Abuse of the Rights of Sexual Minorities in Uganda’s Criminal Justice System”. Now while it may seem like justice is an ideal that many if not most people deserve and rightly should have access to, there are actually a good number of people who have had no sniff of the scent of justice.

A harrowing tale of certain sexual minorities being ‘physically probed’ and constantly dehumanized because the law does not recognise them as ‘legitimate human beings’ almost made me lose my mind. It is one thing to attempt to understand why someone is different from you. It is an entirely different thing when you try so hard to make someone who does not subscribe to your school of thought look like the enemy. On Friday I listened to stories of Ugandans living in fear simply because of the worry that any moment, they might be victims of a justice process that has adjudged them to be guilty in a war started by, and fought solely by nature.

I was shocked that some Ugandans are treated like they do not belong to this country; they are looked at as evil, nefarious, monstrous and extremely repulsive creatures with little or no semblance to proper human beings.

This infuriates me.

I do not condone acts that are against the constitution and I am in no way a campaigner for immorality or wickedness for that matter. However, I am also not a campaigner of inhumanity, barbaric and fiendish behaviour towards certain people simply because they are not like us.

HoraceHorace speaks the the truth!

Ugandans are known to be loving and hospitable individuals. We are known world over as people who love without limits, people who are free-spirited and are always willing to make the strangest of visitors feel at home. Why then do we rise up against our own brothers and sisters? Why do we deny justice to the people who share our cradle land, the people who share our last names, people who we have eaten and drank with since childhood? Why do we suddenly distance ourselves from people simply because they do not look like, think like or act like us? Why do we relegate them to the gates of hell simply because they prefer one thing and not the other? If we are not going to look after our own brothers and sisters, who will? A great many quotes have been directed to teaching people to embrace others no matter the difference that may be present. Why do we suddenly abandon these teachings when our brothers and sisters need us the most? As a policeman / woman, lawmaker, medical practitioner, religious leader, trend setter, celebrity, influential person or just plain human being, is it not my responsibility to treat my fellow man like he deserves the same justice that I think I deserve? Why should I turn round and be callous to someone simply because he does not think like or look like me?

Pope PaulI don’t think I would have put it any better

When 66-year-old Bernard Randall was deported for his involvement in Gay activities, one would have imagined that as a foreigner, Randall probably had it coming. One might also argue that as a foreigner, deportation was as decent an action as could be accorded to him for what the constitution deemed illegal or criminal for that matter. And Randall had / has the backing of his Government, several Civil Rights activists, the International community as well as a bunch of countless Western organisations and individuals.

What about our brothers and sisters who may not have the luxury of an army of supporters or sympathisers? What about our friends who have silently suffered life-long confusion about who they truly are? What about those who have grown up in a society that says any attitudes that are different from the norm are acts of the devil? And what about our sons and daughters, who secretly engage in the most devilish acts but will pretend their whole lives simply because they are afraid of ridiculing, mockery, scorn and a whole lot of derision? What about those people who wake up every morning disoriented and unsure of themselves and go to bed at night even more bewildered and lost? Why are we denying them the chance to be human, the chance to attain their full potential and the chance to be who they truly are meant to me as dictated by nature?

I write this piece after having a sad conversation with someone who has for twenty-six years been unsure of what his identity is. And this is because his family, friends and relations are all vehemently against any notions of straying from the norm. While he is otherwise an imperturbable soul that simply needs talking to, understanding and above all, guidance, he has opted to secretly engage in what I am sure his relatives will excommunicate him for – if they find out anyway. Now, while I have been sworn to secrecy, I will confidently say that on his behalf and on behalf of the several minorities that have been condemned to the gallows of public hell because of their differences; I am disappointed on so many levels. I am disappointed in myself and anyone who has under looked, disregarded, neglected and condemned another person just because they belong to the minority.

I am disappointed in my country.

“Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are.” ― Benjamin Franklin

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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A Valentine Death – Part II

Most times when someone is telling a rather long story that has no end anywhere in sight, they break it up and hoodwink people into subscribing for a sequel. This is what I am doing right here, except my story has an end in sight. Last week I put up a blog about Valentine’s Day and I conveniently titled it A Valentine Death – Part I. The idea was to build up to this week’s post which, as you would expect, is about Valentine’s Day too. In the run up to Valentine’s Day, I set out to ruin Valentines for everyone I know. Naturally some people are smart and have tried to hide from me, not picked up my calls and basically stayed clear of me because of the fear that I will ruin their Valentine’s Day. Well, they may not pick my calls or respond to my hate email but I am confident they will read this blog – secretly.

Cat readingMany of you will read this secretly, it’s Okay.

And this brings me to the point of this blog anyway. As a hater of Valentine’s Day and everything lovey-dovey, I would like to recruit a few people to my cult. We shall be setting out to ruin the day for others – especially the women; our women. I am going to share strategies that guys can employ to make sure that when the dust settles on Valentine’s Day your bank account balance is unshaken and your manhood is still intact. I am helping men regain the power they have lost over the years.

  1. The Old School Break-up Stunt

On Valentine’s Day last year, a whooping $14 Billion was wasted on women. This makes me mad because while all this money was spent on women, men were not any happier after Valentine’s Day. As a matter of fact, many men were sad, lonely dejected and still thirsty after Valentine’s Day. Which begs the question – what the hell is the fuss about anyway? How about a temporary break-up right before Valentine’s Day to save the expenditure? Throw her out right before Valentine’s Day. You have to make sure that the break-up is temporary so that after Valentine’s Day you can reboot your relationship and get back on track without having to worry about strange and often ugly bank withdrawals during the Valentine’s season. Change a buddy’s name in your phonebook to say Sally Boobs or Cathy Nice Legs or even Joan Sexy and then have them text you some sleazy lines. Have them text you suggestive and naughty messages with one or two downloaded images of a nice looking Samoan girl but with the caption ‘Me’. Then leave your phone lying around for the girlfriend to go through. She will be so mad at you she will simply walk away and then after Valentine’s when the dust has settled, explain to her that one of your buddies wanted to prank you so they changed the name in your phonebook and sent the messages minus your knowledge. Obviously if you are smart enough, you will not respond to these messages lest your claim of innocence is thrown out of the window, along with your chance for make-up sex.

woman-cell-phone-angryGet her riled up

  1. The Wrong name Trick

Women love to feel pampered especially around Valentine’s Day. Now listen up guys, if you are looking at your bank balance and wondering how you can get out of this one, wonder no more; I’ve got a solution for you. Buy her a little gift on Friday – a cheap gift at that. It would be nice if you bought her a flower or a little teddy bear and then you have these items delivered to her workplace or wherever she is. Make sure you have a sweet scented note added in there. Then write a name of a totally different girl inside the note. At the end of the note, add something like ‘there’s more where that came from’ or ‘I like you very much (insert random name) and I have so much to give you this Valentine’s Day’. Then sit back, relax, and wait for the volcano to erupt. You will have done a very nice thing by sending her a gift but you will have opened a Pandora ’s Box by calling her someone else’s name. It is likely she will be mad at you for a while but it also be likely she will get over it (mostly if your explanation is believable) and take you back in. You, my friend, will have survived the Valentine’s Day Madness.

NAME

Anha!

  1. The Valentines With Mama Arrangement

Women do not fear anything; they will dive head first into a fight as long as you are the prize. They will defend you and even aid and abet some of your crimes as long as you are the prize. The one thing however they are very cautious about is the area treaded upon by your mother (their mother in law). Gentlemen, it is time to play the mother card. No, silly – I don’t mean you should become mothers. Keep up! I mean, you should tell her that you plan to spend Valentine’s Day with your mother. Everyone knows Valentine’s Day is a day you spend with the people you love. While everyone will be with their partners, tell your girl that you have decided to spend this Valentine’s Day with your mother because she has been asking you for it for several months. Even if you have not spoken to your mum for weeks, make sure she is in on it. Tell her you would like to see her on Valentine’s Day so that if your girl tries to ask her mother in law, your behind is covered. The girl will probably be thinking, ‘better to have him spend his Valentine’s Day with his mother than with another random woman.’ Homerun!

valentines-day-cards-for-mom-c5hlqxghGet a nice card to go along with it

  1. The Selective Amnesia and Illness strategy

Everyone knows men have bogus memories. While statistics about men and their forgetfulness are out there flying about with no focus, take advantage and embrace these statistics. Make extravagant and detailed plans for Valentine’s Day and let her imagine that you have some grand plan for the two of you. And then go ahead and forget them. Forget every damn thing. Forget the plans, forget where you were supposed to go and even forget that it is Valentine’s Day. If you can, go ahead and even forget that you have a girlfriend. Some women are so smart they will help you remember things; setting up reminders, scribbling down things in journals and setting up memos. That too can be defeated. Wake up on Valentine’s Day and feign illness. This is what we call the injury time match winner or the buzzer shot because there are very few come-backs that can outsmart this one. Some men’s acting game is so weak that they risk shaming the entire male race by acting they are sick yet they look overly excited and extremely overjoyed. Don’t just play the part guys, be the part. To be able to execute this act, you will need to practice. Therefore between now and Saturday, start practicing. Feign a slight headache here a stomach ache there, a pain in the joints or even some fatigue. By Saturday, the disease will have escalated into fully blown surgery-demanding illness which of course will clear by the start of next week.

Dont-ForgetShe will probably leave these lying around – TRASH THEM. Then say you forgot.

Note to men and women Ladies, if you read this Blog before he reads it, make sure he does not read it lest he gets armed. And gentlemen, if you read this Blog before she does, do everything in your power to make sure she does not read it – lest you get found out. Good Luck Lovers Totally Unrelated You probably have heard this already but I will say it nonetheless. The Social Media Awards are on and as always, nominations are rolling in. I am fully aware that you people have things to do elsewhere but if you could be so kind as to nominate your favourite Blogger (who may or may not be yours truly), it would be awesome. Just go to this link and do the needful. Nominations end on 11th February … a few days to the dreaded Valentine’s Day.

“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” — Warsan Shire

Bernard a.k.a Beewol The Talkative Rocker Follow @beewol on Twitter

A Valentine Death – Part I

Humans are very emotional beings who are packed with a desire to receive and give love. February is said to be the month of love and so naturally there has got be some kind of madness going around about how and who to love. With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, there is a lot of excitement and euphoria that often sweeps over the entire human race so much that droves of people will create invisible partners and lovers just so they can get through that day in one piece.

Month of loveThe month of love is upon us

As a being unfortunate to belong to this race, I am often innocently dragged into the illusion that people actually love me. And so once or twice on Valentine’s Day I have sat there staring at my phone and wondering where everyone who actually loves me has disappeared to because the phone is ever so silent. And then it eventually hits me that they are probably busy expressing love to the people they truly love and the whole time I was only but a hidden track on the album. I often console myself with the assertion that even though I am sad, lonely, in tears and almost suicidal, it is their loss; if they can not realise all the awesomeness and greatness that I possess, then good riddance. Of course all this happens before a few friends and I hit the bar to drink off the loneliness, which usually ends in a regrettable text message to an old girlfriend who has since moved on and probably even deleted my number.

sad_face_dog_1920x120014th Feb is usually a sad day for me

Without necessary washing my stinky and soiled linen on the www, I am confident that there are lots of individuals like myself – individuals for whom Valentine’s Day brings nothing but memories of the horrid and dreadful nature of the human race; with particular reference to the opposite sex.

In the run up to this god-forsaken day known as Valentine’s Day, I have decided to rise up, stir up some dust and basically ruin Valentine’s Day for everyone around me. Am I a bitter being who has not been shown love on Valentine’s Day and has therefore turned into a sadist who wants nothing but darkness, rain and coldness on Valentine’s Day? Maybe. Do I want other people to be as angry and mad on that day as I probably will be? Definitely! For this reason, I will be doing nothing but throwing stones at lovers, pouring water over fires lit by lovers, spreading false but terrible rumours about lovers and working overtime to make sure that as many people are unhappy on that day as possible.

prickI’ll be thinking this of lovers

One might imagine that I am some kind of masochist and therefore I will be getting pleasure out of the pain and suffering of not just myself but others. That might be the case – in fact, it is likely that I love being like this. However, there is also the likelihood that I will be bitter on 14th Feb (again) because I am still single. I have no complaints about being single; heck, I love it. However, one has got to look at the bigger picture here. Men and women all over the world have dragged themselves into this otherwise botched thinking that on Valentine’s Day they are supposed to be showing each other tremendous love and doing things they do not ordinarily do like shower twice a day, wear body spray or go to fancy restaurants. Nonsense!

I say if you have been showering once a day, keep it that way even on valentine’s Day. If you have never received flowers from anyone since you were born, do not suddenly wake up and feel like your partner owes you flowers. Unless you are Kemmy (a good friend of mine who loves flowers so much she often buys herself bouquets) you have no right to start demanding flowers just because it is Valentine’s Day. Stay away from chocolates, wine and expensive dinners. There are more important things to spend money on like happy hour beer, the Besigye Book, Internet bundles and the new U2 album ‘Songs of Innocence’.

wifiFor not-so-much, you can own this

And while we are still on the subject of money, how about doing the more awesome thing and not spending money at all? It is likely the streets will be thronged with over enthusiastic lovers overdressed dressed ridiculously in Valentine’s Day related colours. How about instead of going out there to spend truckloads of money showing the semblance of love to someone you already love you instead stay in and do something more awesome? You can rewatch old episodes of Family Guy, do laundry, argue with your partner or even play scrabble. Having sex is another item you could add on the to-do list. You just might have a baby as Christmas approaches. How wonderful!

By now there are people who are reading this and wondering if I have anything nice to say about Valentine’s Day. I do. It is two weeks from pay day. That’s something nice. Also, since it will be a Saturday, quite a lot happening; there will be plenty of sporting action from all over the world. My fear is that on that day there will be many people walking to the altar and saying their vows. Getting married is suicide. Getting married on Valentine’s day is slow painful suicide with a suicide note that has poor grammar and punctuation. If it was up to me, I’d make sure that no one gets married on Valentines day. No acts of madness should be conducted on Valentines Day. The only madness that should be permitted is levelling up on Call Of Duty – Black Ops II using cheats downloaded off the internet. Other than that, nothing else should be permitted.

Call of duty

Powerful!

Next week I shall be discussing at proper length how one can ruin Valentine’s Day for another person whether it is someone you love, someone you once loved, someone who has refused to love you or someone whose throat you want to slit because they have turned down your advances time and again.

I have your backs people.

“The heart was made to be broken.” ― Oscar Wilde

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Tearing Down Walls

A long time ago when the German Democratic Republic (GDR, East Germany) was running affairs in Germany, there was something known as the Berlin Wall. This wall was constructed to completely cut off West Berlin from East Berlin. With a ‘death strip’, several vehicle trenches and guard towers to patrol the wall, there was little chance that anyone would run away from the Communist East’s fascist tendencies.

On the evening of 9th November 1989, people who were referred to as Mauerspechte (wall woodpeckers) started the work of bringing down this wall and in the days and weeks that followed the demolition took on a more serious trend. The wall covered an entire 155 Kms (96 miles) although just about 3 or 4 kms of it still exist to this day.

Berlin wall

A visitor peeks through a still-existing section of the Berlin Wall into the so-called ‘death strip,’ where East German border guards had the order to shoot anyone attempting to flee into West Berlin at the Bernauer Strasse memorial on Aug. 5. (Sean Gallup/Getty Images)

Yesterday (9th November 2004) about 8,000 helium balloons were released into the night sky over Berlin at the culmination of events held to mark the 25th anniversary of the fall of this terrible Berlin Wall.

Now while this may sound like a proper lesson in History, I would like to highlight that I am no expert at History even though I am a very ardent student. The reason why I bring up the issue of the Berlin wall is because even in our lives today, we have several walls that need some kind of crushing and breaking down. These walls have been constructed over the years by ourselves and even without trying so hard, we have created a world that is more divided that it ought to be.

It is high time we brought down some of the ‘Berlin walls’ that have been a part of the human race for quite a long time.

The Racial Walls

It is rather unfortunate that in this day and age when the world is more intertwined and interlinked than ever before we still have people who see and rate people based on their skin colour. It may be true that some of us are a darker shade than usual and we may have trouble being noticed at night but that does not make us any less of human beings. A close friend recently returned from a trip to Texas in the United States and they narrated an ordeal that simply left me aghast. Turns out that even in 2014 there are people who think one race is inferior to another. Even when evidence clearly indicates that all races have similar abilities but are only constrained by external factors, certain people continue to front the assertion that some races are mentally inferior. All human beings are just but one perishable form of flesh. We all have the same kind of blood and our brains and other organs are not any different. These racial walls that still exist even when a black man like myself can have a white girlfriend like Jessica Alba defeat my understanding. Wake up guys! Racial walls need to be torn down yesterday!

kidsTruth!

The Gender Walls

As the human race continues to go through stages of evolution (I am told the process never stops), it becomes more apparent that there are things about men and women that are no longer the way they used to be. For instance, several decades ago, one had to work hard to make the choice whether to take three, four or five wives. Today, one has to struggle even to get oneself just the one wife. Women are now more in control and they seem to be doing a good job steering the world in the right direction. Women have gotten in spaces where they previously only dreamed of and from the look of things, it is benefiting both sexes. Why then would any sane person want to continue putting up gender walls even after women have displayed that they are no less able that men are to execute the various duties that we so much hold onto. And while still on the subject of gender walls, why should people continue to look at women as the weaker sex? I personally think women are not a weaker sex; they are just a different sex. This means that while we (men) may do certain things better than the women, there are other things that women will do without even batting an eyelid and we’d probably need three lifetimes to even get started.

menListen to these wise words

Sexual Walls

Now listen guys; sex is a beautiful thing that happens between two human beings (preferably consenting adults). Why then should we pretend like it does not happen? Why should we consider evil anyone who mentions anything about sex? Why should we put up sexual walls to hide away this information from people who would otherwise need it? I have a good friend Marianne who has taken quite a bit of time to Blog about sex and how it is an awesome thing. I admire her because she continues to challenge people to get out of their shells and share their sex experiences. Divorces are happening today partly because people do not share their sex experiences and so they jump into the activity unaware of what expectations, realities and truths they are faced with. If we tore down the sexual walls and started to talk freely about sex, it would give everyone a better understanding of how they need to go about sex. I know one or two people might have an issue with this because the world is filled with underage people, perverts and sex hungry maniacs. Despite this, I still feel like refusing to talk about sex because of perverts and underage people is like refusing to drive because one fears getting into an accident. Do it well and you will have nothing to worry about.

SexRemember that Salt-N-Pepa hit song?

Everywhere you go, there are walls that are set up and need Mauerspechte to break them down. Whether or not one is able to summon the energy and resolve to actually begin bringing down these walls is up to each of us. I play my part by making noise about it through this Blog and through Twitter. Are you doing your part? And what ‘Berlin walls’ have you put up in your life? Break them down!

reagan

“Mister Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” – US President Ronald Reagan in a speech at the Brandenburg Gate on June 12, 1987.

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Proudly Ugandan

The English dictionary describes the word Pride as “a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction …” of course it goes on to add something about how this pleasure or satisfaction is derived but right now, I am interested in the pleasure and satisfaction bit. There are very many things in this world that give me pleasure and satisfaction. Some of these aren’t exactly the kind I am keen to share with the rest of the world but I quietly grin within myself with untold gratification.

Evil

Oh but some of the things that make me proud …. mehn!

Similarly, there are many (widely accepted) things that make me proud and give me deep pleasure and extreme satisfaction. Some of them include supporting Manchester United, SC Villa and Uganda Cranes, seeing a close friend get married or succeed in getting his wife knocked up, bumping into an old friend who still remembers my name, being a first born son to my parents and helping a little child do their homework. These are some of the little things that warm my heart and give me reason to feel proud.

The one thing that tops the list and probably makes me soak up with tears of pride is the fact that I am Ugandan. Yes – I love this country to the depth of my existence. Someone reading this will probably imagine that I have a relative in a top government position therefore I have every (financial and social) reason to be a proud Ugandan but far from it; I am one of the lesser known citizens with little or no connection to the nobles of this country. However, the pride that I carry within me is the kind that cannot be questioned, doubted or second guessed.

Uganda

Straight Up! 

I shall be so kind as to share my reasons for this pride.

I have little choice in the matter

The truth of the matter is that I am a proud Ugandan partly because I was born here and really there is not much I can do to change that fact. It is very likely that if I had been born in Myanmar, Congo, Japan or Zimbabwe I’d still be a proud citizen of that country. Before anyone can start to call me fickle in my allegiance to Uganda, I have to add that now that my mind is open and I can make a choice to revoke my Ugandan Citizenship and adopt citizenship elsewhere, I have chosen to remain Ugandan. That should say something about my allegiance and pride despite my loud and clear assertion that I had little choice in the matter. I was born here without my consent but if I could change anything about my birth, I would probably just change the colour of sheets that were on the bed when I was born. NO; I will not tell you what colour the sheets were!

Boy Looking Down

Little Children really have limited choices

Have you heard Ugandans Speak?

I am a person who is keen and appreciative of phonetics, accents and articulation, and I can confidently say that Uganda is the one place where perfect speech is born, cultivated and harvested. No matter the language, Ugandans will never fail to impress when it comes to breaking it down through speech. Listen to two Iteso exchange sweet nothings and you will hear what I am talking about. Drop in on two Batoro share a rough joke about their Muganda neighbour and you will see things from my point of view. Eavesdrop on an Acholi man telling off his stubborn daughters and you will share this sentiment that I speak of. Go on; listen to Ugandans speak and you will be blown away. These people have the most eargasmic speech patterns in the whole world. Forget that Xhosa Clicking or the Nigerian accentuation. Forget the American nose speech or the Chinese Mandarin flow. Right here in Uganda is where perfect and rich speech belongs. Travel from one end of the country to the other and indulge the native folk in random speech and I can guarantee you will be blown away. And have you heard us speak English? WOW! Just WOW! True, we may have a Mirundi murdering the Queen’s language here or a Sseya raping Her Majesty’s lingo but overall, we do speak some very fine English this side of the world.

Uglish-spoken-here

One or two Universities might need to have this put up

Ugandan Girls run the good looks business

Do not be deceived by the somewhat unconvincing Ugandan girls who feature at the Miss World beauty pageant or the slightly off colour contestants we send to Big Brother. Those are just but our average people. We are very beautiful people here in Uganda and we are not afraid to stake claim. At the risk of sounding biased, I will say this with extreme confidence; Ugandan ladies are some of the finest ladies in the world. And this is not just because they are mostly drop dead gorgeous and well curved but also because a good number have got brains to match the rather killer looks. You will see them at a distance, get blown away by their break-taking natural forms and then get close and get dumbfounded by their brilliance, humour and intellect. Uganda women are simply the truth! And I haven’t said anything about how they dance like strippers, walk like models and sing like fat women. And you know what they say about good dancers when it comes to matters of the sack; they can dance their way to an orgasm with so much ease one wonders why other women even bother chasing after Ugandan men. We are all taken by queens who are too good at the game the rules have to be changed – just for them.

Komuntale-Ruth.

Look at this dangerously gorgeous Ugandan Specimen over here

We have a wonderful small little family here

Uganda is fairly a small country despite the fact that we are in the business of working hard to over populate this exploding little piece of land. This small size of the country means that we are not as many as the citizens of other countries. This essentially means that we are a closer knit country and we tend to have relations spread all over the country. Once you have gone through the education system from the very bottom all the way to University, it is rare for you to go a day without meeting someone from your past. That is how closely knit a society we are. Also, when you do something in private with one person and they share it with another person, there is a huge chance the whole country will get to know it. We share information with zeal and enthusiasm. We live to gossip and occasionally we gossip to live. We create whatsapp groups, Facebook groups and Twitter Cliques to discusss our neighbours, work mates, ex partners and relatives.

Truth

 

And this is how it usually starts

But of course there are other reasons

Before I started writing out this Blog, I had well over 45 reasons I had jotted down to prove that my Ugandan Pride was never in question and some of them include the Uganda Cranes who are always almost qualifying for the AFCON until mathematics happens, the wonderful education system that will let you graduate with beautiful English and numerous friends but no job, the excess peace that we enjoy so much that we want to export some of it to Somalia and Congo as well as the great entertainement scenet that is bursting with too many upcoming artists they need a political party. Let’s just say there is a lot of madness, confusion and near mayhem in Uganda but I love every little single bit of it and I would never trade it in for anything else. So as Independence day closes in, I would like to take this opportunity to remind my Government that we may exchange insults, argue, draw weapons, even make empty threats, but ultimately, I love this beautiful country Uganda; the Pearl of Africa.

Flag

I’ll have one of these flying around for a while

“Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it….” ― George Bernard Shaw

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

Four Wise Fools

For as long as the human race has existed, there has been a notion spreading from one generation to another about how women are complex and impossible to figure out. A woman is one big ball of confusion covered up in even more confusion and walking around spreading this confusion to any willing and unwilling human. The moment Eve devoured the forbidden fruit, lured her husband into sampling it, and then turned round to blame everyone and everything but herself, it became clear that woman had secured her position as the trickiest being alive.

The-Forbidden-Fruit-twilight-series-2634346-745-664

Where it all started!

Now, before females can pull out daggers, pangas, swords and vile words, I want to begin by stating that I am probably the last person in the world who would know anything about women. One would expect that since I am son to a woman, I have dated a woman and I do have a bunch of unruly sisters I should have some fair insight into women – WRONG. I am as clueless as any man on the face of the earth. However, I have a gang of four friends who insist that they have a grasp of what women really are all about.

Not-so-long-ago these guys and I sat down to try and figure out what women are really about. I was tasked to document (and eventually share) the opinions of these men who I shall call the Four Wise Fools – for obvious reasons. I shall present each wise fool’s opinion along with a brief background to the opinion giver.

Opinion Giver 1 – Kenneth (Not real name)

Kenneth has been married twice and has had his fair share of girlfriends. He is the oldest of the group at a whooping 46 and he is the most ‘experienced’ when it comes to women. With 1 extra marital relationship and 2 side dishes to his name, Kenneth proudly boasts of his years of experience with women. His opinion was therefore documented first.

Kenneth’s Opinion

Women are meticuously crafted beings whose sole purpose on earth is to suck all the happiness and pleasure out of men (there was a bit of emphasis on the sucking although we were not sure why; but we all laughed). They will pretend to like you just so they can get close to you and rip your heart to shreds – they do this ripping thing for fun. They may appear to be fragile, sensitive and vulnerable but really deep down they are rugged, pugilist and mercenaries sent by the gods to finish off men. One or two women might be genuinely nice but only for a while. Once they are in their flocks with other females, their true selves will emerge – vile, horrid and sadistic. When you have the chance to get with one, make it count; leave a scar.

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Kenneth Reckons women are out for blood.

Opinion Giver 2 – Francis (Also not real name)

Francis is a fresh graduate, an enthusiastic young active man and a budding loverman. He is dating Martha (definitely not real name) and they have been together for about 2 years now. Martha is a model at a top Modeling agency but word has it that she also moonlights as an escort girl – something Francis vehemently denies. Francis prides himself in never having cheated on his girlfriend and is confident she has also never cheated on him.

Francis’ Opinion

Women are really not that hard to figure out. The secret in figuring out women is in not trying at all. You see, many men spend half their lives trying to figure out women and the other half regretting why they ever tried in the first place. The trick to staying with the same women for long is simple – never start a fight, always apologize even when you’re not in the wrong and never start an argument no matter how vindicated you may be. Never give a woman reason to be mad at you and you just might survive in this life. If by some mistake you make her mad, be quick to apologize for it and make up with mind blowing sex, some intimate one-on-one talk, an expensive shopping spree or something really wildly expensive like a trip abroad. Obviously if you cannot afford this the Universe has already tilted the odds against you but give it your best – sell your liver if you have to but always be ready to spend obscenely on her if you want to keep her happy. In short, spend on her and you are good to go.

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The two have so much in common 

 Opinion Giver 3 – James (can’t be real name or he’ll kill me)

James is a Youth Pastor at a prominent Church in this city. You will find him on any given day either reading the bible, talking about the bible or sharing a bible verse. He is as Christian as they come and is anxiously awaiting the second coming of Jesus Christ. The wait has been long but James will not waiver in his faith. He hopes to have sex (for the first time) when he gets married. Naturally no one believes he is a virgin but he swears by the King James Bible that he has never ‘known a woman’.

James’ Opinion

Women are special vessels created by God to help man grow and fill this world. Women are however not easy creatures to deal with. The Bible clearly states in Proverbs 31:30 that ‘Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.’ Therefore unless a woman fears the Lord, she is bound to turn out evil. In fact, most of the women of the world are complex because they walk in the ways of the world. Women of today also forget the Bible recommends that they play second fiddle to the men. In Colossians 3:18 the Bible is clear; ‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.’ Sadly, most women ignore this and it is why most of them are going to hell. Women waste their time and resources trying to look spectacular instead of seeking first the kingdom of God. Women are complex today because they have shunned the ways of God. All women are going to hell.

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Apparently women need to have this tagged onto them

Opinion Giver 4 – Derrick (Obviously also not real name)

Derrick is a simple guy who lives from hand to mouth. He earns just enough to sustain him and occasionally take a female to a low end bar for some happy hour drinks. Other than that, he really does not fancy spending on women. Derrick will buy 20 new belts before taking a random female out on a date. He is what most people would call stingy. He will only spend on a female when he is sure he is taking her to bed or if he has proven blood relations with her.

Derrick’s Opinion

Women are simply materialistic – that is all! They want this, they want that, they want the other… and what do they offer in return? They nag, demand, stress, complain and quarrel like their lives depend on it. Would it hurt for a woman to foot the bill every once in a while? Huh? Would it hurt for her to surprise me with an air-time scratch card of say 10k? Is that too much to ask. I do not date because women are like bad businesses. You get in there expecting profits, so you invest your whole life savings. Then what do you get? Two whatsapp messages in a day asking if you can send mobile money and finding out if you call back. Useless!! One day they will realise that this whole emancipation business is overated. I hate women!

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Women will put you out to dry in a second!

Note from the Blogger

 The views expressed in this Blog are not the Blogger’s views. As much as the Blogger is not well clued on women, the Blogger insists that the Four Wise Fools are only representative of a small chunk of men. There are men out there who have nice things to say about women. The Blogger is just sorry they were not part of the discussion on that day. The Blogger is however having a trip to Jinja this Weekend where he will meet a number of interesting people who promise to give insight on the same topic. There is hope that some decent words shall be said about women.

Book

In the meantime we’re studying them

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Post WC

For very many people, the past few weeks of World Cup euphoria have offered an experience that can best be described as memorable. Obviously it was not as memorable for the Brazilians, English or Spanish but overall, the World Cup served up some real excitement. In our own backyards, relationships were created, bets won, friendships terminated, allegiances shifted, breakups initiated and basically life lived to the fullest – all because of the football showpiece.

Now that the World Cup has ended, many people have been left confused, dazed and basically non compos mentis because of the absence of football action. Some are already starting to suffer from World Cup withdrawal symptoms seeing as they had gotten used to a Brazilian drubbing here, a Spanish annihilation there or an English humiliation the other side. There is simply no more World Cup and coming to grips with this realisation is going to be a challenge. The World Cup is like a sweet drug that people have gotten addicted to and now need ways to stay away from because the supplier just ran out of stock.

As a person who is an expert at addictions and keeping them in check (try to not think so much about that), I would like to offer a few remedies for all my friends as well as my enemies; the German fans. Here is how you can pre-occcupy yourself during this World Cup aftermath.

Watch plenty of TV

For most sane people, soaps, TV shows and TV series are generally a waste of time and a very effective way of keeping your mind stagnant. They do not add to one’s intellectual sharpness, acumen, wisdom or intuition and neither do they make one any more insightful. They however play a very crucial role in holding friendships together, helping people shave hours off their often boring lives and basically offer people topics of discussion during stale blind dates or during boring house parties. During this time when there is no football going on, give these TV series a shot. True, you may emerge dumber, less insightful and probably addicted to one or two TV shows but you will certainly have helped yourself get over the absence of football. I have to add that you must desist from watching any World Cup replays or you will have a seizure or some kind of delirium because your mind will suddenly demand for more football. Watch TV but stay away from Football.

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Make sure the volume is turned up so she doesn’t read anything

Medidate and do Yoga

Specialists at peace and tranquillity recommend meditation and yoga for people who would like to get their thoughts together. You will probably have a rough time trying to forget Mario Gotze’s heartbreaking screamer against Sergio Romero or Tim Cahill’s beauty against Netherlands but Yoga and meditation should just about do the trick. Instead of constantly replaying Lionel Messi’s 90th Minute winner against Iran, you can focus your mind on healthier things like doing Yoga. While doing group Yoga (preferably with females around) you can be sure that football will be the furthest thing on your mind as other softer and more delicious issues will take up that space in your mind ( No – I do not know this from experiencel; I am only working with assumptions). The meditation will help you look at your life more critically so as to identify the mistakes you have made and how you can make other mistakes while trying to correct previous ones.

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Go on and Challenge yourself

Plan for 2016

Every day that passes in Uganda brings us closer to 2016 – the year of reckoning. Whilst the rest of us were busy arguing bitterly during the World Cup, some visionaries were laying strategies for 2016. If you were lucky (or unlucky) to have watched the World Cup on UBC TV, you would have noticed a certain consistently loud message about the Kyankwanzi Resolution. I am yet to understand why and how such a video even runs on a National Broadcaster but that is besides the point. The video simply begs the question – if other people are getting ready for 2016, what are you doing? World Cup is over; start drawing up plans for your 2016 manifesto. Plan for how many bars of soap you will supply in your constituency and how many sacks of sugar you will need to get the local leadership on your side. Look at which banks have favourable loan deals to help you cover your campaings. You could also create a video that may or may not talk of you as a demi-god who everyone must vote if they want to stay alive and then you can have this video run on UBC Tv.

HiRes

Start planning your political career

Work on your relationships

It is highly likely that for many people, the World Cup dealt a huge blow to their relationships with friends, family and lovers. Now that it is all over, such people should now resort their energies to fixing those broken relationships. If you and your partner broke up or filed for a divorce on grounds that you two could not agree on whether Messi is better than Ronaldo, maybe it is about time you called a truce. Most footballers in the world are now on holiday – take a hint. Free your mind from the slavery of football and focus on making those around you happy. Get home in time to have dinner with your wife, make that phone call to the grandmother and pay a friend a visit. With the World Cup out of the way, you can now go forth and multiply because you now have the time for coitus. Don’t disappoint the missus by saying you are occupied. The most popular sporting event is over; make some time to engage in intimacy with your partner. It is the least you can do after ignoring them for the entire duration of the World Cup.

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People like Wenger are out there striking killer poses – join them!

Other things

There are about 92 other things you can engage in now that the World Cup is over. Some of those that I haven’t mentioned above include starting a cult, joining the army, becoming a musician, practicing for Big Brother Nominations and stalking an ex partner.

football

 *Yawn* when does the season start again?

The point is – World Cup is over and we must work hard to forget it.

“Good habits are worth being fanatical about.”  ― John Irving

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter