A Valentine Death – Part II

Most times when someone is telling a rather long story that has no end anywhere in sight, they break it up and hoodwink people into subscribing for a sequel. This is what I am doing right here, except my story has an end in sight. Last week I put up a blog about Valentine’s Day and I conveniently titled it A Valentine Death – Part I. The idea was to build up to this week’s post which, as you would expect, is about Valentine’s Day too. In the run up to Valentine’s Day, I set out to ruin Valentines for everyone I know. Naturally some people are smart and have tried to hide from me, not picked up my calls and basically stayed clear of me because of the fear that I will ruin their Valentine’s Day. Well, they may not pick my calls or respond to my hate email but I am confident they will read this blog – secretly.

Cat readingMany of you will read this secretly, it’s Okay.

And this brings me to the point of this blog anyway. As a hater of Valentine’s Day and everything lovey-dovey, I would like to recruit a few people to my cult. We shall be setting out to ruin the day for others – especially the women; our women. I am going to share strategies that guys can employ to make sure that when the dust settles on Valentine’s Day your bank account balance is unshaken and your manhood is still intact. I am helping men regain the power they have lost over the years.

  1. The Old School Break-up Stunt

On Valentine’s Day last year, a whooping $14 Billion was wasted on women. This makes me mad because while all this money was spent on women, men were not any happier after Valentine’s Day. As a matter of fact, many men were sad, lonely dejected and still thirsty after Valentine’s Day. Which begs the question – what the hell is the fuss about anyway? How about a temporary break-up right before Valentine’s Day to save the expenditure? Throw her out right before Valentine’s Day. You have to make sure that the break-up is temporary so that after Valentine’s Day you can reboot your relationship and get back on track without having to worry about strange and often ugly bank withdrawals during the Valentine’s season. Change a buddy’s name in your phonebook to say Sally Boobs or Cathy Nice Legs or even Joan Sexy and then have them text you some sleazy lines. Have them text you suggestive and naughty messages with one or two downloaded images of a nice looking Samoan girl but with the caption ‘Me’. Then leave your phone lying around for the girlfriend to go through. She will be so mad at you she will simply walk away and then after Valentine’s when the dust has settled, explain to her that one of your buddies wanted to prank you so they changed the name in your phonebook and sent the messages minus your knowledge. Obviously if you are smart enough, you will not respond to these messages lest your claim of innocence is thrown out of the window, along with your chance for make-up sex.

woman-cell-phone-angryGet her riled up

  1. The Wrong name Trick

Women love to feel pampered especially around Valentine’s Day. Now listen up guys, if you are looking at your bank balance and wondering how you can get out of this one, wonder no more; I’ve got a solution for you. Buy her a little gift on Friday – a cheap gift at that. It would be nice if you bought her a flower or a little teddy bear and then you have these items delivered to her workplace or wherever she is. Make sure you have a sweet scented note added in there. Then write a name of a totally different girl inside the note. At the end of the note, add something like ‘there’s more where that came from’ or ‘I like you very much (insert random name) and I have so much to give you this Valentine’s Day’. Then sit back, relax, and wait for the volcano to erupt. You will have done a very nice thing by sending her a gift but you will have opened a Pandora ’s Box by calling her someone else’s name. It is likely she will be mad at you for a while but it also be likely she will get over it (mostly if your explanation is believable) and take you back in. You, my friend, will have survived the Valentine’s Day Madness.

NAME

Anha!

  1. The Valentines With Mama Arrangement

Women do not fear anything; they will dive head first into a fight as long as you are the prize. They will defend you and even aid and abet some of your crimes as long as you are the prize. The one thing however they are very cautious about is the area treaded upon by your mother (their mother in law). Gentlemen, it is time to play the mother card. No, silly – I don’t mean you should become mothers. Keep up! I mean, you should tell her that you plan to spend Valentine’s Day with your mother. Everyone knows Valentine’s Day is a day you spend with the people you love. While everyone will be with their partners, tell your girl that you have decided to spend this Valentine’s Day with your mother because she has been asking you for it for several months. Even if you have not spoken to your mum for weeks, make sure she is in on it. Tell her you would like to see her on Valentine’s Day so that if your girl tries to ask her mother in law, your behind is covered. The girl will probably be thinking, ‘better to have him spend his Valentine’s Day with his mother than with another random woman.’ Homerun!

valentines-day-cards-for-mom-c5hlqxghGet a nice card to go along with it

  1. The Selective Amnesia and Illness strategy

Everyone knows men have bogus memories. While statistics about men and their forgetfulness are out there flying about with no focus, take advantage and embrace these statistics. Make extravagant and detailed plans for Valentine’s Day and let her imagine that you have some grand plan for the two of you. And then go ahead and forget them. Forget every damn thing. Forget the plans, forget where you were supposed to go and even forget that it is Valentine’s Day. If you can, go ahead and even forget that you have a girlfriend. Some women are so smart they will help you remember things; setting up reminders, scribbling down things in journals and setting up memos. That too can be defeated. Wake up on Valentine’s Day and feign illness. This is what we call the injury time match winner or the buzzer shot because there are very few come-backs that can outsmart this one. Some men’s acting game is so weak that they risk shaming the entire male race by acting they are sick yet they look overly excited and extremely overjoyed. Don’t just play the part guys, be the part. To be able to execute this act, you will need to practice. Therefore between now and Saturday, start practicing. Feign a slight headache here a stomach ache there, a pain in the joints or even some fatigue. By Saturday, the disease will have escalated into fully blown surgery-demanding illness which of course will clear by the start of next week.

Dont-ForgetShe will probably leave these lying around – TRASH THEM. Then say you forgot.

Note to men and women Ladies, if you read this Blog before he reads it, make sure he does not read it lest he gets armed. And gentlemen, if you read this Blog before she does, do everything in your power to make sure she does not read it – lest you get found out. Good Luck Lovers Totally Unrelated You probably have heard this already but I will say it nonetheless. The Social Media Awards are on and as always, nominations are rolling in. I am fully aware that you people have things to do elsewhere but if you could be so kind as to nominate your favourite Blogger (who may or may not be yours truly), it would be awesome. Just go to this link and do the needful. Nominations end on 11th February … a few days to the dreaded Valentine’s Day.

“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” — Warsan Shire

Bernard a.k.a Beewol The Talkative Rocker Follow @beewol on Twitter

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A Valentine Death – Part I

Humans are very emotional beings who are packed with a desire to receive and give love. February is said to be the month of love and so naturally there has got be some kind of madness going around about how and who to love. With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, there is a lot of excitement and euphoria that often sweeps over the entire human race so much that droves of people will create invisible partners and lovers just so they can get through that day in one piece.

Month of loveThe month of love is upon us

As a being unfortunate to belong to this race, I am often innocently dragged into the illusion that people actually love me. And so once or twice on Valentine’s Day I have sat there staring at my phone and wondering where everyone who actually loves me has disappeared to because the phone is ever so silent. And then it eventually hits me that they are probably busy expressing love to the people they truly love and the whole time I was only but a hidden track on the album. I often console myself with the assertion that even though I am sad, lonely, in tears and almost suicidal, it is their loss; if they can not realise all the awesomeness and greatness that I possess, then good riddance. Of course all this happens before a few friends and I hit the bar to drink off the loneliness, which usually ends in a regrettable text message to an old girlfriend who has since moved on and probably even deleted my number.

sad_face_dog_1920x120014th Feb is usually a sad day for me

Without necessary washing my stinky and soiled linen on the www, I am confident that there are lots of individuals like myself – individuals for whom Valentine’s Day brings nothing but memories of the horrid and dreadful nature of the human race; with particular reference to the opposite sex.

In the run up to this god-forsaken day known as Valentine’s Day, I have decided to rise up, stir up some dust and basically ruin Valentine’s Day for everyone around me. Am I a bitter being who has not been shown love on Valentine’s Day and has therefore turned into a sadist who wants nothing but darkness, rain and coldness on Valentine’s Day? Maybe. Do I want other people to be as angry and mad on that day as I probably will be? Definitely! For this reason, I will be doing nothing but throwing stones at lovers, pouring water over fires lit by lovers, spreading false but terrible rumours about lovers and working overtime to make sure that as many people are unhappy on that day as possible.

prickI’ll be thinking this of lovers

One might imagine that I am some kind of masochist and therefore I will be getting pleasure out of the pain and suffering of not just myself but others. That might be the case – in fact, it is likely that I love being like this. However, there is also the likelihood that I will be bitter on 14th Feb (again) because I am still single. I have no complaints about being single; heck, I love it. However, one has got to look at the bigger picture here. Men and women all over the world have dragged themselves into this otherwise botched thinking that on Valentine’s Day they are supposed to be showing each other tremendous love and doing things they do not ordinarily do like shower twice a day, wear body spray or go to fancy restaurants. Nonsense!

I say if you have been showering once a day, keep it that way even on valentine’s Day. If you have never received flowers from anyone since you were born, do not suddenly wake up and feel like your partner owes you flowers. Unless you are Kemmy (a good friend of mine who loves flowers so much she often buys herself bouquets) you have no right to start demanding flowers just because it is Valentine’s Day. Stay away from chocolates, wine and expensive dinners. There are more important things to spend money on like happy hour beer, the Besigye Book, Internet bundles and the new U2 album ‘Songs of Innocence’.

wifiFor not-so-much, you can own this

And while we are still on the subject of money, how about doing the more awesome thing and not spending money at all? It is likely the streets will be thronged with over enthusiastic lovers overdressed dressed ridiculously in Valentine’s Day related colours. How about instead of going out there to spend truckloads of money showing the semblance of love to someone you already love you instead stay in and do something more awesome? You can rewatch old episodes of Family Guy, do laundry, argue with your partner or even play scrabble. Having sex is another item you could add on the to-do list. You just might have a baby as Christmas approaches. How wonderful!

By now there are people who are reading this and wondering if I have anything nice to say about Valentine’s Day. I do. It is two weeks from pay day. That’s something nice. Also, since it will be a Saturday, quite a lot happening; there will be plenty of sporting action from all over the world. My fear is that on that day there will be many people walking to the altar and saying their vows. Getting married is suicide. Getting married on Valentine’s day is slow painful suicide with a suicide note that has poor grammar and punctuation. If it was up to me, I’d make sure that no one gets married on Valentines day. No acts of madness should be conducted on Valentines Day. The only madness that should be permitted is levelling up on Call Of Duty – Black Ops II using cheats downloaded off the internet. Other than that, nothing else should be permitted.

Call of duty

Powerful!

Next week I shall be discussing at proper length how one can ruin Valentine’s Day for another person whether it is someone you love, someone you once loved, someone who has refused to love you or someone whose throat you want to slit because they have turned down your advances time and again.

I have your backs people.

“The heart was made to be broken.” ― Oscar Wilde

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

True Power

Power can generally be defined as the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behaviour of others or the course of events. If someone or something has the ability to hold you hostage and render you utterly motionless in whatever way then they probably have substantial power over you. While argument might switch to the different forms of power, we can generally accept that the SI Unit of Power is pretty much the same – it can make you cancel your plans (against your will) and it makes you take on entirely random things.

With this description of power, I’d like to attempt to identify a few instances where this animal called power can be seen and felt. While we all view power differently, we can all agree that some instances of power are universally effective. Irrespective of what anyone else will say, I know several people who deserve the title of powerful.

I shall go ahead to mention some of these powerful people.

Side Chics

Let’s not even begin to pretend that side chics aren’t powerful or do not matter in relationships. Side chics are actually the reason many relationships have stayed the course and held steady for a while. You see, in any relationship, there is always a third unseen and often unheard party who makes sure that the main chic remains unbothered. This side chic usually knows all the nasty secrets of a man and is able to hold him by his tennis balls so as to get whatever she wants from him. Most side chics will put to the sword whatever other chics might want to show up and will literally shed blood for a guy just to keep his reputation intact. The standard side chic is logical, calculative and abnormally powerful. Men who have these side chics know that any second they can be taken ransom and so they treat these side-lings with caution. When the side chic decides to bring you down, there is very little the main chic can do – other than hold your hand as you go down. The true side chic knows her power and never really wields it around aimlessly. She occasionally reminds you that you are in her clutch but never ever lets you out. That is true power.

A-Side-ChickSide Chics have power!

African Leaders

There is this very popularly shared quote that people spread around … something about power belonging to the people. Unless anyone is an African leader, they have no power whatsoever. An African leader is the true embodiment of power; ruthless, hungry for more and filled with megalomaniac tendencies. If you attempt to as much as tell him that he is wearing the wrong shoe on the wrong foot, you might get a whooping of a lifetime. There is something that usually happens to a person when he gets into power. He becomes someone entirely different and most of the time you can barely understand him. Occasionally bits and pieces of him will surface and you might even almost understand his position, especially since you are African too. Along the way though, he will spiral out of control and become an iron-arm-wielding bloke who grew up keen to make up for his lack of parental love by squeezing his countrymen to the wall. African leaders make it seem like they are born of power and therefore must die of power which is unfortunate because it makes all those around them imagine that leadership is all about power. They say power corrupts but I think it only corrupts those who are originally wired to be corrupted.

Beating

African leaders don’t fool around

Newborn babies

These little fellas have so much power but they don’t even know it. Very few things are as disturbing as a newborn baby’s cry in the middle of the night. When a baby has just been born, any sound they make is of utmost importance. Whether it is a fart, a shriek in the wee hours or an innocent laugh, the parents are usually forced to constantly keep a keen eye and ear to the life proceedings of the little fella. When a baby begins to grow, there comes a time when the power they wield begins to reduce because the parents have somewhat figured out the routine and know how to deal with it. The older babies grow, the less power they have and at some point, they become so powerless that they get shipped off to boarding school with or without their will / consent.

Yawning babyA Powerful yawn!

Telecom Companies

In this world that is ruled by technology, there can only be so many players as powerful as telecom companies. These guys can literally screw with you and get away with it. True, there will be a few screams here and a few shouts there but at the end of the day when you need to make that phonecall at 3:24 am, you run back to them for redemption. Personally I have decided to be the most treacherous person when it comes to Telecom companies. If I feel like someone is giving me a raw deal, I up and leave; after all, there are increasingly more Telecom companies offering similar services. However, the vast majority of people I know are bound and held down by strange loyalties so much that they will pay through the nose for crappy services, complain all day and then go back to the same damn network. That right there is what I call power. You will complain all day, make all the noise you possibly can, but then go back to the same woman who denied you sex the previous day. Power!

PhoneTypical instrument of power

Pastors

Say what you will about Pastors but these guys wield more power than we care to admit. In many churches, pastors are actually more powerful than Jesus, the person whose Gospel they claim to preach. A pastor will tell his flock to give in all their possession and be counted as entrants into the Kingdom of the most high. And then they will go ahead to purchase and flaunt the finest cars, wear the most expensive suits and basically enjoy the most expensive lifestyle – without as much as any member of the flock lifting a finger. Pastors can send you to hell by just uttering one or two words. From what I gather, they can also secure a place for you at the right hand of the father; although this will probably be at a fairly substantial price. As  men of God, Pastors are regarded the representatives of God on earth and so oftentimes they are accorded the kind of respect and fear that God deserves. A pastor will take his flock to bed in the name of the Lord and get away with it. The rest of us shall do it and get thrown behind bars for soliciting sex. What we shall call embezzlement and corruption, the flock shall call offering and tithing. Power!

Eat GrassNot many people can order others to eat grass and not receive opposition

“Recognizing power in another does not diminish your own.” ― Joss Whedon

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

The Single Case

One of the reasons why human beings were placed on this earth (at least according to Christian Teaching) is so we (they) can multiply and fill the world. This essentially means that every human being has a role to play in the multiplication process. Prior to this multiplication process, there is meant to be some kind of mixing and matching that each person must go through to identify the person with whom they can easily, safely and successfully multiply.

There are those who take the multiplication a little too seriously and end up creating mini-armies of offspring bearing similar names and proudly calling one gentleman daddy. Then there are those who are somewhat constrained because of what Scientists call barrenness, infertility and sterility.

Generally speaking though, one can rightly assume that everyone must have someone who was created for them to multiply with. This then begets the question – why are some people still single?

As you think about the possibilities, allow me offer a few plausible reasons why this is the case.

The Universe is still watching you

If you are of age but are still single, it is possible that the Universe is still assessing what might occur if someone of the opposite sex were thrown at you as a life-long partner. And so it shall present you with people who you may end up dating but still break up with. This is all a test and once the universe ascertains that you are ready for a partner then you, my single friend, shall have a partner. It is also likely the universe does not trust you around any person of the opposite sex. To protect the human race, the universe must pull some strange moves like deny some people partners because they would otherwise set the human race several steps back if they got hooked. This may seem negative but here is the silver lining – the universe probably understands your expensive and unique taste and therefore is taking a while to find you the perfect match. People who find their match right away can be said to have cheap taste that can be figured out quickly. You are different. Wear that badge of honour with pride and glee.

????????????????????

YAY!!! I am single!

You’re too cool for the opposite sex

I know what everyone must be wondering at this moment. How does one become too cool for the opposite sex? I too have no idea. I just know that there are people who have chosen the single path because they feel like no one can handle their awesomeness. They may occasionally be seen in the company of people of the opposite sex but they will generally not want to be tied down by relationships, dating or marriage for that matter. Such people choose to remain single because they love their space, freedom and above all they don’t want anyone to tell them how they should leave their toiled seat. There are moments when they too get lonely and begin to scroll down their phoneboooks in search of a quick fix but this only happens on a few occasions and even then, they are usually half drunk and unaware of what they are doing. Such people will mostly be seen throwing sexist remarks around and acting like the opposite sex is nothing but a rag with which to mop the world. If you are one of such people then you can safely stay in your corner and wait to explain to the Universe why you have chosen to be cooler than everyone else.

You gat this

You feel like you gat this!

You lack the basic skills and qualities

This is probably the most brutal of reasons why single people still exist but is probably the most valid reason there is. You see, each human being has a set of skills that should help them survive in this world. Some however lack the set of skills to help them jump out of the singles’ zone. It is said that if you want people of the opposite sex to notice you and consider dating you the first thing you should do is put yourself out there. Well, I know people who have spent a fair share of their lives hanging themselves out for whoever cares to see but somehow no one has taken the bait. Now before one starts dismissing my allegation that they lack the skills and qualities, allow me forward an argument. Have you ever met good looking people who have everything going for them; except a good relationship? Well, I know many such people. As harsh as it may seem, I have come to the conclusion that such people lack the skills to help them find partners. No one wants an incompetent multiplication partner so it would be nice if you polished up on your skills as you attempt to find that partner. Read a few books here and there, talk to people back and forth and generally stop locking yourself up at home to play video games all weekend. Get out of the house!

window

Get out there and let them see you

Disclaimer

I am very confident that a number of single people are going to start hurling stones at me and calling me all sorts of names because I am making it seem like being single is a crime. Listen, being single is no crime. In fact, if you can, boast about it. Let the world see that no one is good enough for you yet and you are weighing your options and waiting for the Universe to throw a suitable partner your way. Go ahead and change your bio to ‘Too Cool for All of You’. While you are at it, wear your singlehood like a badge of honour. I say this because when the time comes for you to give up this badge of honour because you suddenly have to start sharing a bed with another human being every day of your life, then you will realize that being single wasn’t a very bad thing after all. When the time comes for you to quarrel over the toilet seat, the colour of curtains, the type of house and the name of your offspring then you will appreciate the Universe’s delay in finding you a partner.

team_single_

For now, sit back, relax and enjoy the single ride. After all, you are alone – there is no one to complain about the speed limit. Have a blast.

“I’m single because I was born that way.” ― Mae West

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Four Wise Fools

For as long as the human race has existed, there has been a notion spreading from one generation to another about how women are complex and impossible to figure out. A woman is one big ball of confusion covered up in even more confusion and walking around spreading this confusion to any willing and unwilling human. The moment Eve devoured the forbidden fruit, lured her husband into sampling it, and then turned round to blame everyone and everything but herself, it became clear that woman had secured her position as the trickiest being alive.

The-Forbidden-Fruit-twilight-series-2634346-745-664

Where it all started!

Now, before females can pull out daggers, pangas, swords and vile words, I want to begin by stating that I am probably the last person in the world who would know anything about women. One would expect that since I am son to a woman, I have dated a woman and I do have a bunch of unruly sisters I should have some fair insight into women – WRONG. I am as clueless as any man on the face of the earth. However, I have a gang of four friends who insist that they have a grasp of what women really are all about.

Not-so-long-ago these guys and I sat down to try and figure out what women are really about. I was tasked to document (and eventually share) the opinions of these men who I shall call the Four Wise Fools – for obvious reasons. I shall present each wise fool’s opinion along with a brief background to the opinion giver.

Opinion Giver 1 – Kenneth (Not real name)

Kenneth has been married twice and has had his fair share of girlfriends. He is the oldest of the group at a whooping 46 and he is the most ‘experienced’ when it comes to women. With 1 extra marital relationship and 2 side dishes to his name, Kenneth proudly boasts of his years of experience with women. His opinion was therefore documented first.

Kenneth’s Opinion

Women are meticuously crafted beings whose sole purpose on earth is to suck all the happiness and pleasure out of men (there was a bit of emphasis on the sucking although we were not sure why; but we all laughed). They will pretend to like you just so they can get close to you and rip your heart to shreds – they do this ripping thing for fun. They may appear to be fragile, sensitive and vulnerable but really deep down they are rugged, pugilist and mercenaries sent by the gods to finish off men. One or two women might be genuinely nice but only for a while. Once they are in their flocks with other females, their true selves will emerge – vile, horrid and sadistic. When you have the chance to get with one, make it count; leave a scar.

WOMEN

Kenneth Reckons women are out for blood.

Opinion Giver 2 – Francis (Also not real name)

Francis is a fresh graduate, an enthusiastic young active man and a budding loverman. He is dating Martha (definitely not real name) and they have been together for about 2 years now. Martha is a model at a top Modeling agency but word has it that she also moonlights as an escort girl – something Francis vehemently denies. Francis prides himself in never having cheated on his girlfriend and is confident she has also never cheated on him.

Francis’ Opinion

Women are really not that hard to figure out. The secret in figuring out women is in not trying at all. You see, many men spend half their lives trying to figure out women and the other half regretting why they ever tried in the first place. The trick to staying with the same women for long is simple – never start a fight, always apologize even when you’re not in the wrong and never start an argument no matter how vindicated you may be. Never give a woman reason to be mad at you and you just might survive in this life. If by some mistake you make her mad, be quick to apologize for it and make up with mind blowing sex, some intimate one-on-one talk, an expensive shopping spree or something really wildly expensive like a trip abroad. Obviously if you cannot afford this the Universe has already tilted the odds against you but give it your best – sell your liver if you have to but always be ready to spend obscenely on her if you want to keep her happy. In short, spend on her and you are good to go.

money-and-women-are-the-most-sought-after-and-the-least-known-about-of-any-two-things-we-have

The two have so much in common 

 Opinion Giver 3 – James (can’t be real name or he’ll kill me)

James is a Youth Pastor at a prominent Church in this city. You will find him on any given day either reading the bible, talking about the bible or sharing a bible verse. He is as Christian as they come and is anxiously awaiting the second coming of Jesus Christ. The wait has been long but James will not waiver in his faith. He hopes to have sex (for the first time) when he gets married. Naturally no one believes he is a virgin but he swears by the King James Bible that he has never ‘known a woman’.

James’ Opinion

Women are special vessels created by God to help man grow and fill this world. Women are however not easy creatures to deal with. The Bible clearly states in Proverbs 31:30 that ‘Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.’ Therefore unless a woman fears the Lord, she is bound to turn out evil. In fact, most of the women of the world are complex because they walk in the ways of the world. Women of today also forget the Bible recommends that they play second fiddle to the men. In Colossians 3:18 the Bible is clear; ‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.’ Sadly, most women ignore this and it is why most of them are going to hell. Women waste their time and resources trying to look spectacular instead of seeking first the kingdom of God. Women are complex today because they have shunned the ways of God. All women are going to hell.

HELL2

Apparently women need to have this tagged onto them

Opinion Giver 4 – Derrick (Obviously also not real name)

Derrick is a simple guy who lives from hand to mouth. He earns just enough to sustain him and occasionally take a female to a low end bar for some happy hour drinks. Other than that, he really does not fancy spending on women. Derrick will buy 20 new belts before taking a random female out on a date. He is what most people would call stingy. He will only spend on a female when he is sure he is taking her to bed or if he has proven blood relations with her.

Derrick’s Opinion

Women are simply materialistic – that is all! They want this, they want that, they want the other… and what do they offer in return? They nag, demand, stress, complain and quarrel like their lives depend on it. Would it hurt for a woman to foot the bill every once in a while? Huh? Would it hurt for her to surprise me with an air-time scratch card of say 10k? Is that too much to ask. I do not date because women are like bad businesses. You get in there expecting profits, so you invest your whole life savings. Then what do you get? Two whatsapp messages in a day asking if you can send mobile money and finding out if you call back. Useless!! One day they will realise that this whole emancipation business is overated. I hate women!

woman-man-money-bills-cash

 

Women will put you out to dry in a second!

Note from the Blogger

 The views expressed in this Blog are not the Blogger’s views. As much as the Blogger is not well clued on women, the Blogger insists that the Four Wise Fools are only representative of a small chunk of men. There are men out there who have nice things to say about women. The Blogger is just sorry they were not part of the discussion on that day. The Blogger is however having a trip to Jinja this Weekend where he will meet a number of interesting people who promise to give insight on the same topic. There is hope that some decent words shall be said about women.

Book

In the meantime we’re studying them

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Post WC

For very many people, the past few weeks of World Cup euphoria have offered an experience that can best be described as memorable. Obviously it was not as memorable for the Brazilians, English or Spanish but overall, the World Cup served up some real excitement. In our own backyards, relationships were created, bets won, friendships terminated, allegiances shifted, breakups initiated and basically life lived to the fullest – all because of the football showpiece.

Now that the World Cup has ended, many people have been left confused, dazed and basically non compos mentis because of the absence of football action. Some are already starting to suffer from World Cup withdrawal symptoms seeing as they had gotten used to a Brazilian drubbing here, a Spanish annihilation there or an English humiliation the other side. There is simply no more World Cup and coming to grips with this realisation is going to be a challenge. The World Cup is like a sweet drug that people have gotten addicted to and now need ways to stay away from because the supplier just ran out of stock.

As a person who is an expert at addictions and keeping them in check (try to not think so much about that), I would like to offer a few remedies for all my friends as well as my enemies; the German fans. Here is how you can pre-occcupy yourself during this World Cup aftermath.

Watch plenty of TV

For most sane people, soaps, TV shows and TV series are generally a waste of time and a very effective way of keeping your mind stagnant. They do not add to one’s intellectual sharpness, acumen, wisdom or intuition and neither do they make one any more insightful. They however play a very crucial role in holding friendships together, helping people shave hours off their often boring lives and basically offer people topics of discussion during stale blind dates or during boring house parties. During this time when there is no football going on, give these TV series a shot. True, you may emerge dumber, less insightful and probably addicted to one or two TV shows but you will certainly have helped yourself get over the absence of football. I have to add that you must desist from watching any World Cup replays or you will have a seizure or some kind of delirium because your mind will suddenly demand for more football. Watch TV but stay away from Football.

tv_reading

Make sure the volume is turned up so she doesn’t read anything

Medidate and do Yoga

Specialists at peace and tranquillity recommend meditation and yoga for people who would like to get their thoughts together. You will probably have a rough time trying to forget Mario Gotze’s heartbreaking screamer against Sergio Romero or Tim Cahill’s beauty against Netherlands but Yoga and meditation should just about do the trick. Instead of constantly replaying Lionel Messi’s 90th Minute winner against Iran, you can focus your mind on healthier things like doing Yoga. While doing group Yoga (preferably with females around) you can be sure that football will be the furthest thing on your mind as other softer and more delicious issues will take up that space in your mind ( No – I do not know this from experiencel; I am only working with assumptions). The meditation will help you look at your life more critically so as to identify the mistakes you have made and how you can make other mistakes while trying to correct previous ones.

Pug

Go on and Challenge yourself

Plan for 2016

Every day that passes in Uganda brings us closer to 2016 – the year of reckoning. Whilst the rest of us were busy arguing bitterly during the World Cup, some visionaries were laying strategies for 2016. If you were lucky (or unlucky) to have watched the World Cup on UBC TV, you would have noticed a certain consistently loud message about the Kyankwanzi Resolution. I am yet to understand why and how such a video even runs on a National Broadcaster but that is besides the point. The video simply begs the question – if other people are getting ready for 2016, what are you doing? World Cup is over; start drawing up plans for your 2016 manifesto. Plan for how many bars of soap you will supply in your constituency and how many sacks of sugar you will need to get the local leadership on your side. Look at which banks have favourable loan deals to help you cover your campaings. You could also create a video that may or may not talk of you as a demi-god who everyone must vote if they want to stay alive and then you can have this video run on UBC Tv.

HiRes

Start planning your political career

Work on your relationships

It is highly likely that for many people, the World Cup dealt a huge blow to their relationships with friends, family and lovers. Now that it is all over, such people should now resort their energies to fixing those broken relationships. If you and your partner broke up or filed for a divorce on grounds that you two could not agree on whether Messi is better than Ronaldo, maybe it is about time you called a truce. Most footballers in the world are now on holiday – take a hint. Free your mind from the slavery of football and focus on making those around you happy. Get home in time to have dinner with your wife, make that phone call to the grandmother and pay a friend a visit. With the World Cup out of the way, you can now go forth and multiply because you now have the time for coitus. Don’t disappoint the missus by saying you are occupied. The most popular sporting event is over; make some time to engage in intimacy with your partner. It is the least you can do after ignoring them for the entire duration of the World Cup.

174611

People like Wenger are out there striking killer poses – join them!

Other things

There are about 92 other things you can engage in now that the World Cup is over. Some of those that I haven’t mentioned above include starting a cult, joining the army, becoming a musician, practicing for Big Brother Nominations and stalking an ex partner.

football

 *Yawn* when does the season start again?

The point is – World Cup is over and we must work hard to forget it.

“Good habits are worth being fanatical about.”  ― John Irving

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

Serpentine Valentine

As is the tradition with the human race, around this time of the year, there is a euphoria of sentiment spearheaded by individuals seeking to find validation for the otherwise meaningless relationships they are in. This attempt to seek for validation has been summed up in a custom that has now come to be known as Valentine’s day. True, there are several tales about how the day actually came into existence but the general idea is that on this day people can finally put into practice the several ‘I Love You’ allegations they have been making.

I_love_you_by_PambaThe time to make good on those words has arrived

To many people, Valentine’s day is a day to be sweet, romantic, loving, kind and extremely passionate to the person you claim to be in love with. While this is the general rule, there are some folks who are no less than serpents and their behaviour and code of conduct prior to, and on this day, is nothing short of demonic. They are out to make it terrible for the rest of humanity and since there is no Government legislation or UN ruling against people behaving like serpents, they go ahead to rip out people’s hearts left right and center all in the name of Valentine’s Day. Today however, we uncover these individuals who practice serpentine valentines.

The Brutal One

There are women who are out to fleece men and clean their bank accounts dry on Valentine’s Day. First, there is a promise they put out to the man – a promise that they just might give in to his advances. So she keeps him around at least until Valentine’s day. On this day, the man will take her out and foot all bills – hoping that this might as well be his last day of begging and imploring and spending way too much. At the end of the night after she has gobbled down 82,000 /- worth of food and drink and has depleted his account by a whooping 140,000/- in transport and other expenses, it becomes apparent that he might have to drop her off at her house. Her reason? Apparently ‘she wants to take it slow’. Serpent! If she wanted to take it slow, she should not have given him all these go-ahead signs that included the provocative short dress and delicious seasoning in the name of make up. Also, she would have probably turned down the expensive meal in favour of something simple and less expensive. It doesn’t get any more brutal than that.

Gold_digger_by_Lysol_JonesNational Gold Diggers Day 

The Two-timing One

The general trend with love and life is that men tend to have a liking for more than one female. While some men hold it off and stay true to one woman, some other men give in to the liking and pursue both. Women have since tipped the scales and are now in position to have two or more men too. A good number of women have actually made it their life’s plan to have more than one man and have each of them foot whatever bills come her way. On Valentine’s day she will spend half the day with one man and spend the other half with the other man. The one whose spending is more impressive will probably get to eat the proverbial cookie. Now if the cookie is going to go to the highest bidder, one may as well hang a price tag on her mid section so that everyone can know how much they must part with so they can get in on the cookie.

sb10064861z-001Beware – lest you get the shock of your life!

The Heartless one

Valentine’s day is a day when even the toughest and least emotional of people will give in to the confusion of love. It is a day when men prove to women how deep their love goes. And usually men do exactly that – they do all sorts of things to make the point clear. Occasionally a lady will smile and nod with gratitude or appreciation for the expensive dinner or dress. However there are those who will simply carry on like nothing happened. According to them it is the man’s duty / responsibility to do these things. They will keep reminding the poor man about how there are suitors waiting in line in case he does not up his game. As much as it may be true that the line behind him is long, there is really no need to give a brother too much pressure. Why be so heartless? Why?

the-avengersEven if the line has all these four waiting, there is no need for the pressure

The Social One

For the most part, a relationship is supposed to be an affair between two adults. At any one moment, only two people are supposed to know the details of, or to enjoy the benefits of a relationship. But of course there are instances where one of the people feels they need to share it with several other people. There are those females who have made it their life’s purpose to share details of their relationship with friends and family, so much that the man walks into a room full of her friends and they instantly start bickering – about him. Worse still, on this rather special day when it should be the two of them giving each other company, some of the females will show up with two other friends. And then the guy will have to foot an ugly bill because, well, he is being nice to his woman. And if she does not bring her parasitic friends along, she will spend half the time texting with those same friends. Your social skills are appreciated but how about some time for the man? He is footing the bill after all, the least you can do is give him some attention.

dATEPut the bloody phone down!

Go on and enjoy this week my friends. It is the week for lovers. And while there are many women who have been brutal and mean to men over the years, the same applies to men. This time round, make the day count, treat her nice, talk to her, make her smile and let Cupid’s arrows do the rest of the work for you. Enjoy the madness of Valentine’s day all of you. If like me you do not believe that much in Valentine’s day, you are welcome to join me on the balcony of this apartment called life. Let us watch the rest of humanity become gooey on each other. For those who are side dishes, there is a wonderful way to enjoy this Valentine’s day after all. Just read a piece that I wrote sometime last year : Power to the “Other Women” on Valentine’s Day

“If every lover was treated like they matter — everyday; valentine’s day wouldn’t be so ‘special.” – Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter