Heat thesis

Over the past couple of weeks, Kampala has witnessed unprecedented temperature levels that have had people curve out all sorts of theories to explain the burning phenomenon. While some have insisted that the Lord is punishing us for our wickedness, others have alleged that the Government has had a hand in the heat wave. Some others have gone as far as asserting that certain women hold the key to unlocking the rains.

It’s been so hot a number of people have become several shades darker while others cannot risk taking their children out into the sun lest they get roasted and fried by the unrelenting sunshine. Two or three ‘summers’ have suffered what I have come to learn is a ‘heat stroke’ – a condition I previously thought Africans were immune to. It is currently so dry that I believe the Rive Nile will probably start cutting down it’s flow to just once or twice a week.

DogIt is just so hot right now!

Everything in this world happens because of one reason or another.

I therefore present my reasoning behind this ridiculously hot weather that has had one of my neighbours continously go to bed naked and leave her windows wide open, the weather that will soon have cows giving powdered milk.

I offer my theories for the current heat wave.

The Govcontrol Theory

I have always maintained the notion that nothing in this country happens unless it has been given a go-ahead by the Government. The Government decides when it will be morning and when it will be noon-time. If the Government wanted, it could easily flip the calendar to have 65 days and not the traditional 30 or 31 days. The Government can even alter the course of event so much that day-time does not precede night-time but rather some other condition altogether.

The Government is therefore solely responsible for this horrible weather.

While people are getting darker and darker by the minute, the Government secretly looking on with a big fat smile. There are reports that at some point, when everyone has turned as black as coal, then the Government will offer us all some kind subsidized redemption. It is likely that companies that deal in cold drinks, bleaching creams, light clothing, fans, air conditioners and water melon are currently reaping big and paying a good chunk to the Government. So until the Government has eaten enough from these companies, we may as well brace ourselves for an extended dry and extremely hot spell.

Govert comic

The Dryfem Theory

If you have been in Kampala for the past two or three months, ‘dryness’ is something you will think about on two levels. First, there is the dryness all around us; the one where you step out of your house and suddenly feel like the blood in your veins is boiling; the one where you sleep naked fully aware that the mosquitoes will not bother you because they can not take the heat; the one where you get home, open your fridge and have a near orgasm because the cold air that gushes out feels like heaven. Then there is the other dryness – the one that Zari became a household name for; the one Father Lokodo should campaign against instead of wasting time and resources on 50 Shades of Grey, the one that prompts females to visit bushes, plantations and caves in seach of remedies.

Both are upon us as we speak.

The gods are not happy that many of our females are as dry as a dead dingo’s donger.

Father Lokodo has it within his power to bring an end to both dryness levels because I believe one begets the other but the gods will not tell us just yet. While we are busy cursing the gods of weather and calling them names for sending us this heat wave, we are forgetting that they are only following suit. It is dry outside because it is dry inside. Deal with one and the other shall automatically fall in line.

water artWhat a glorious umbrella to be under … 

The Economic Theory

Another (very legitimate) school of thought has it that this dry weather is the making of the economic decision makers of this Godforsaken country. These people have opted to spend countless hours doing nothing for their country and earning chunks of money for it. They have driven the economy too deep into the ground even the ground is now complaining; we’ve gone in too deep. They have done this so much that the weather and the dollar rate have decided to rebel.

I know what you are about to ask and the answer is Yes – the dry weather is a sibling to the dollar rate.

You see, a long time ago, the weather and the dollar rate were close siblings. This was until their father, the economy, decided to give birth to a stubborn brother; corruption. When corruption entered the equation, the family became unstable. Dollar rate developed a wobbly movement pattern and the weather was simply bigheaded. Each of them wanted to be the bigger brother. Until recently, they have each taken turns to run affairs in the family. As we speak today, they are jointly screwing us over while their father, the economy just looks on with a huge smile because his sons are running affairs. It is likely we shall be spitting cotton and many swimming pools will close off one or two lanes for a while – the dry spell will stop when the economy sorts issues out.

TruthThe heatwave has gotten a bit too serious

The Beewol Theory

There is no theory here. I just felt like having my name added to the list of theories would be a fair attempt at getting back at my High School teachers. You see, these guys shoved countless theories named after so many people in our faces we ended up losing track. Today, I too shall curve out a theory named after myself.

The Beewol theory states …

“The cause of the heat in Kampala is the high temperatures … the reverse is also true”

Suck on that you High School teachers with fancy incoherent theories.

US heatwave, MarylandWhat we wouldn’t give for this! 

Totally unrelated … okay slightly related

News reached my desk that the recent dryness in Kampala was sponsored by National Water and Sewerage Corporation. I am still investigating these claims but it is likely that this rumour was started by a competitor of NWSC. None comes to mind at the moment but like I said, I am still investigating all these claims. Some other people have suggested that the heat wave is sponsored by Government opposition but I am treating this too as just hearsay. After all, I don’t think the opposition has it in them to control the weather. Hope they are learning lessons from the NRM Government.

I shall now take my leave before this (now warm) beer starts boiling.

“Even when natural weather is good, human weather is bad.” ― Yasunari Kawabata

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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Come Back Home

For most people, ‘home’ is a word that represents a place of warmth, safety and happiness. We may go to the furthest ends of the earth but at the end of the day home is a place close to the heart. Now before I get all mushy and sentimental about this place called home, allow me to make note of the fact that many people’s homes are not exactly the most ideal places. I know a number of people who would give anything just to be away from home. However, even for such people, there comes a time when the loneliness that eats them up can only be done away with by visiting home.

With the Christmas season upon us, there is a traditional feeling that the holidays are spent home – with the family. While many of us who will be working during the festive season will be busy as hell, we will still make time to rush home and enjoy the Christmas lunch with the parents. The point is; the Christmas season is a time to be with one’s family; the people who would put an arm and a leg to prove that they love you.

For the Ugandans who are abroad, I would like to take this moment (and this blog post) to let you know that we are waiting for your return; yes – you belong here. You may have spent decades out there but we would rather you spent the holidays with us.

If you are wondering why I think you should come over, allow me to woo you.

The Awesome Weather  

I am sure you have read somewhere that the weather in Uganda is wonderful and very Christmassy. We may not have snow here but I can confidently tell you that we have the kind of weather that Santa Claus would love to chill in. Just yesterday the day started off with a beautiful scorch of the sun and then it gently tip toed into a windy mid morning before slowly drifting into a rainy situation in the afternoon. Let’s just say this weather over here will get you feeling everything all in one day. Oh and did I mention that it is the finest weather in the East African region? No, scratch that, it is the finest weather in Africa. As a matter of fact, this weather is the finest weather in the world. Instead of freezing in the Boston snow, getting fried in the Emirates heat or drowning in the Manchester rains, come back to Kampala and let’s enjoy this Christmassy weather.

lake b
Beautiful, just beautiful

Everyone is coming back

Just yesterday I was speaking with a friend in Melbourne who kept reminding me about the day she would be touching down at Entebbe airport. The excitement she has for the trip back home is nothing short of heart warming. She has had a countdown calendar for several weeks now and is slowly inching towards her ‘return date’. She kept reminding me that no matter how awesome Melbourne or any other city in the world is, it just doesn’t feel like Christmas as much as it would if one were home. Everyone is coming back home for Christmas and so it would make sense for you too to book your flight well in time. People like Sejusa who were presumed to be in hiding abroad have themselves decided to come back home for the holidays; so you are going to be left out there on your own. And did I mention that our airport is not as bad as it used to be? Fine, there are still a few patches here and there but hey, it is the festive season, let’s be positive now shall we? A few of my buddies in Boston have threatened to throng the streets of Kampala from the 20th onwards and their reason is – there is nowhere else a true party can be held other than in Kampala.

uganda-canoe-lake-bunyoniTake a boat if you have to, just come on back home 

Tight Security

In the past, a number of media houses in the West repeatedly portrayed Africa as a dangerous place where butt naked people constantly hacked each other to death as they struggled for bush meat. I know that many have drifted away from that stereotype, but there are still a few that maintain a similar chain of thought. I would like to debunk this thinking right here right now. We are not hacking each other to death and we are certainly not struggling for bush meat. And No – there is no Ebola in Uganda. What we are doing however is making sure that our security is beefed up and that we are able to walk, party and enjoy our lives way into the devilish hours of the night. Uganda is quite a secure place today and even though there may be occasional instances where neighbours exchange blows or friends slap each other, we are generally a calm lot. We have not had instances of tear gas in a while; not because we ran out of stock but because there is more understanding between the cops and the people.

Uganda-Police-Things are now in order

A Reminder – This is the Pearl of Africa

I always save the best for last. Yes – Uganda is a beautiful country blessed with quite many attributes and features that will sweep anyone off their feet. I was born in Uganda and this might make me a little biased but allow me to say this – Uganda is the most beautiful country you will ever visit. True; I have not been to very many countries but then again, with Uganda close to my heart, I see very little reason stray so far away. Whether you are interested in Flora, Fauna, the Food or just the people, Uganda serves you with a perfect buffet of nature delivered right to where you are; as long as you are within the borders of this beautiful country. Without necessarily ruining the surprise for anyone, I’d like to say that whether you are coming home for the holidays or you are coming just to visit, book your ticket well in time because the party is about to get started.

visit-uganda

There are about 34 other reasons why anyone who is abroad should seriously think about coming back home for the holidays but because the Blog will only allow for this much, I will let it rest.

Just come home already.

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” ― Maya Angelou, All God’s Children Need Traveling Shoes

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter