Kla Lingo (Part 2)

I will begin this blog post by stating a rather useless fact; I hate TV series. Save for one or two old series, I generally do not like being left in suspense and I sure as hell do not like to leave things hanging on unfinished. That being said, this Blog post happens to be the 2nd in a three-part series of blog posts about the lingo in Kampala.

Why wasn’t I able to have everything summed up in one blog post? Well, for starters, I am a wordy person and I will most likely use 38,407 words to explain to a woman why I cannot date her instead of simply using 5 or 6 words. So, yeah; I need more time to say even the simplest and smallest of things. Also, I am practicing my TV show writing skills and the last lesson I learnt is – never give them everything in one show.

So, here goes with the follow up to last week’s Kla lingo.

Part 2 (I – P)

I – International

In Uganda the word international has very little (and in some cases nothing at all) to do with being global or worldwide. The word international is a word that has now been added to the Ugandan dictionary as a preffix ( and sometimes a suffix). It is often added with another word to give the allure that something is of better quality or appeal for instance an international school with only locals as students, an international upcoming artist whose music is only listened to by his closest friends, an international girlfriend who has never gone across the border, an international phone that was manufactured in Katwe and an international hospital that is run by Ugandans, treats Ugandans and has no connection to the world outside except for the fact that the medicines used are imported. If you are looking to make your business seem legit, simply add the word international and you will be good to go. This, for instance, is an international Blog post.

GlobalMany of our International things are not as global as one would expect

Other I words / phrases: Imbalu, Iteso people, Illuminati, Ikong Joseph, Imagine by Peter Miles, Infrastructural Development that never happens.

J – Jamrock

There is a tiny little bar in Kampala that hosts a very popular Reggae night once every week. This Reggae night has over the years become something of a routine for a good number of Kampala dwellers and revellers. Several artists, both upcoming and already up there have been known to show face at this night either to promote their purportedly reggae music or to simply mix and mingle with the rather segmented crowd. One or two revellers might know the right words to certain reggae songs but the whole bar often explodes into a chorus of off-key and off-tune wails when their favourite songs are played. There is also a very popular pulling factor that this bar has; an-out-of-this-world happy hour coupled with overly friendly waiters and waitresses. I am a bigger rockhead than a rasta man but I pass there ever once in a while for some bashment.

jamrock_by_sk8erchickroz-d33q7fe

And I sing who Jah bless, let no man curse …

Other J words / Phrases : Julianna, Just katono, Jennifer, Jennifer tuyambe, Jinja.

K – Kuliche / Kuriche

Depending on what part of the country you come from, you can pronounce this word in any way suitable. Basically the word being inferred here is the English word ‘Cliche’ which is a big time favourite of a one Tamale Mirundi. Anyone who has been in front of a TV or listened to a radio in the past several years has heard the voice of this man – Tamale Mirundi. This gentleman is the definition of a loud and inccesant chatter box with a whole lot of grossly misplaced intended to confuse and yet scare the listener / viewer. He is often alarmist, frequently subversive, occasionally diversionary and abnormally hilarious. His favourite word is ‘Kuriche’.

Tamale-Mirundi

The originator of the word Kuriche

Other K Words : Katooto, Kasana, Kyabise, Kikomando, Kumbaya, Katogo

L – Lira Lira

This is one of the most potent drinks in Eastern, Central and Southern Africa. The drink is so potent in alcoholic content, so much that the geniuses who invented it figured that naming it twice would send the point home. Unfortunately, there has not yet been a proper process to package and export it, seeing as Uganda is well known for alcohol consumption. That being said, anyone who visits Northern Uganda or communities around the country that are inhabited by people from Northern Uganda will get the chance to taste this awesome drink. It has the ability to make one happy while giving them the most gruesome look all at once.

duff-beer-simpsons-crossover.0

Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson have themselves endorsed Lira Lira

Other L words : Lungujja, Langi, Luzinda, Love affair, Laba lumonde, Luweero.

M – Make It Nasty

Once upon a time, there was a bunch of students from a very popular University who engaged in what has now come to be termed as a ‘ground breaking activity’. The details of this activity are referred to as ‘making it nasty’ because these students coined the phrase to refer to their activity. Today, whenever anyone is taking part in an activity of this nature, they will be referred to as ‘making it nasty’. To be able to make it nasty, one requires a willing female, a willing male and a video recording device. No more information shall be shared in this section seeing as this blogger recently learnt that under 18 children also read the blog. A combination of some of these words would be something like ‘Let us make it nasty in the mweruka mode’ – this simply means ‘Let us do the dirty silently’.

keep-calm-and-make-it-nasty-8

Ahem! Ahem!

Other M Words / phrases : Muyaye, Mwooyo, Mungato, Muvubuka, Mbale, Mweruka mode, model empya.

N – No Change

There are a number of Ugandans who subscribe to the school of thought that asserts that ‘unless it is broken and shattered to pieces, do not attempt to fix it’. These Ugandans have dedicated their lives to fronting the ‘No Change’ campaign in the hope that the status quo shall remain unchanged. From the political point of view, the ‘No Change’ slogan is often used whenever an incumbent is standing for an electoral position that he is still occupying. It is very common among the peasants, uneducated and sycophants. It is also a statement used by traders when telling their customers that they have no smaller denominations of money.

motivational-interviewing-change-or-no-change

We each sit where we feel comfortable

Other N words / phrases : Nagisi, Nye, Neera, Nebbi, Nubian, Ndombolo, Nantaba

O – Ondaba

Ondaba is a self empowering movement with experiences made in Uganda. It is a campaign set up to recognise the uniqueness that is Uganda. In essence, the word is a Luganda word that relates to being seen or noticed. The aim of this campaign is to have people and groups of people identify themselves as proud Ugandans through what they eat, how they dress, where they go, the things they own, the lives they lead and generally who they are. One is likely to bump into the hashtag #Ondaba on various social media platforms. It is simply an attempt by Ugandans to stand out and express pride in their country no matter how pathetic or hopeless the situation may seem.

Ondaba

Akapande mukalaba?

Other O Words / Phrases – Oyagala Cash, Oyorific, Open and close, Omara the Afande, Onfudde Muddu wo,

P – Potential

A few years ago, the duo of Radio and Weasel of Goodlyfe got together with Zambian singer General ozzy to make some music. The trio put their brains together and emerged with a song (Potential) that created some kind of cult following for Goodlyfe. The song ‘potential’ is about a woman having the potential to sweep a man off his feet. The word ‘potential’ went on to become a word that described anything that is worthy. You will now hear people say things like ‘that woman has potential’, ‘this phone has potential’, ‘that man’s car has potential’, or ‘the current Gov’t has lost its potential’.

Ruth

Look at all this Komuntale Potential. Pity it went to waste.

Other P Words / Phrases – Porn, Pomili, President waffe, Pader, P

Next week we shall finally have Part 3 (of 3) of the Kla lingo. Until then, keep it together and once again, please do not be a victim of language barrier in Kampala.

“The limits of my language means the limits of my world.” ― Ludwig Wittgenstein

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Kla Lingo (Part 1)

Every community has got a code of conduct, set of unwritten rules and general way of life that guides and directs its dwellers. When visitors come to this community they are initially clueless about the way of life, until they receive orientation. Sometimes the orientation is brutal, other times it is very wonderfully presented.

One of the crucial parts of the orientation will include learning a few words and phrases that will help them survive being hacked to death for failing to figure out a thing or two in the local dialect. There are several words and phrases that one has got to learn when they visit Kampala. It is almost impossible to keep up but somehow one has got to think on their feet; you’ve got to touch down running.

For the next 3 weeks I shall be exploring a few of the words and phrases that one will most likely encounter when they are having conversation with an average middle class Kampala City dweller. Strap yourselves in and let us dive into the first of three parts of our exploration of the Kampala lingo.

Part 1 (A – H)

A – Another Rap

Uganda is one of the few countries to be blessed with a President who is not only a Vision bearer, cattle keeper, army man and problem solver; Citizen 001 is also a Rapper with profound skill and proficiency in the art of spitting rhymes. He may not have dropped an album or mixtape (yet) but rumour has it that he has made more sales from releasing one song than many people have made in 16 years of being upcoming artists. The demand for the Citizen 001 to release ‘another rap’ have prompted folks to coin this very brilliant two worded expression to infer that the big man is not yet done with his Rap Vision.

MUSEVENI

Mess Not with the Rap Qlik

Other A words / phrases – Aganaga, Amawulire ku TV, Amuru District, Ankole Cows, Akandwanaho Caleb, Amasiro

B – Bonna

Bonna is a Luganda word for ‘All of them’. This word, when added to several other words creates a situation of general happiness. Bonna Balye, Bonna Bagagawale, Bonna Bawangule, Bonna Banywe … these are all terms that are used to pull and pool people together for more comprehensive benefits. Naturally, the negative implications here would mean that phrases like Bonna Baffe, Bonna Baavuwale or Bonna Bagwe cannot be ignored. If Isaac Newton’s third law is anything to go by, for any action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Eatage

Bonna Balye

Other B Words / Phrases – Bebe Cool, Bagishu, Beera Feya, Binsangawano, Bungoma, Banyarwanda, Bulaaya

C – Colgate

There are several brands of toothpaste in the market today. However, for reasons yet to be discovered, a good chunk of Ugandans will refer to every brand of toothpaste as Colgate. Now, while this may create confusion for a visitor, the strange thing is that Ugandans understand what exactly they are referring to even without mentioning it specifically. For instance one will say ‘I’d like the Blue Colgate’. The attendant on the other end will not even think twice or blink; they will know which exact brand the person wants. Pure telepathy!

People at the gym

They are all the same!

Other C Words / Phrases – Cassava, Cranes yatusala, Chips, Chicken and Chaps, Chameleon, China phone.

D – Desirable

Now for those who are on social media, the word ‘Desire’ is not as desirable as it originally was (pun intended). Thanks to a certain singer / socialite / sexy goddess, the word now means something entirely different. With just one pose, the sexy goddess created a new word altogether. Today, when someone says a lady is desirable, it is likely he has already undressed her, made her flash the v sign between her legs with one hand, cover one of her boobs with the other arm and smile sheepishly at the camera. Most of this happens in the mind and is termed as ‘the Desire Pose’.

burning-desire

Other D Words – Dembe, Drake Sekkeba, Damaged goods, Dryness,

E – Emaali

Emaali is referenced from one of the local dialects in Uganda. It is a word in Ateso that refers to ‘money’ or ‘property’. A profound local band (Afrigo Band) once performed a song in which they sang about ‘Ayawun Emaali Ore’ which is translation for ‘bringing money home’. This song has gone on to become a traditional club banger as well as a nice way to start off a conversation with anyone from that side of the country. It is also probably one of the finest songs ever produced by a band in Uganda. It is also one of the only five or six words of Ateso that people who aren’t from Teso know.

Other E Words – Eshabwe, Etofali, Epolon, Electricity thieves, Empako yawe, Emergency Door

F – Ffene

Probably one of the tastiest fruits on the planet. Most people around the world call it Jackfruit but in Kampala you will most likely be understood faster if you called it Ffene. This fruit is sold in various forms. Some people sell it as a whole, the way it comes off the tree, others split it and sell it in smaller bits while others go further to remove the seeds and sell it ready to consume. It has several health benefits including bettering your sense of humour. This is why half the people in Kampala are hilarious.

Jackfruit

Other F Words / Phrases – Filimu ya Massai, Fina, Ffe mwe mwe ffe, Father Musaala, Family Planning.

G – Gavumenti Etuyambe

Ugandans have in the recent past attempted to attract the attention of the Government on a number of issues. These issues have stretched from big and serious like the economy and health to minor and small like bad breath and unfunny comedians. Basically whenever a Ugandan feels disgruntled in any way, there will be a silent (or very loud) cry of ‘Gavumenti Etuyambe’. Naturally the Gavumenti has been hesitant to involve itself in some of these cries because many of them are really trivial, nonsensical and plain ridiculous. However, the cry is simply a sign of bigger problems – the people think their Gavumenti should start actually kuyambaring (helping) it’s people.

Gavumenti

Other G Words / Phrases – Global Fund, Gulu, Gyobera gyembera, Gombe, Gunyuma kiro, Generals.

H – Halo

98% of telephone conversations in this beautiful city will start off with the word ‘Halo’. People in other parts of the world will probably say ‘Hello’ or ‘Hi’ or anything else. In Uganda, it seems like on purchasing a mobile phone, the first agreement one has got to make is that they will answer each and every phone call with the word ‘Halo’. The courtesy that Ugandans have is so profound that even if someone was calling to insult or abuse you, they will start off by saying ‘Halo’. Very well behaved people.

Other H Words / Phrases – Hajjat / Hajji, Honourable, House party, House warming, Hot Katogo.

Next week we shall have Part 2 (of 3) of the Kla lingo. Until then, keep it together and please do not be a victim of language barrier in Kampala.

“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.” ― George Orwell, 1984

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Come Back Home

For most people, ‘home’ is a word that represents a place of warmth, safety and happiness. We may go to the furthest ends of the earth but at the end of the day home is a place close to the heart. Now before I get all mushy and sentimental about this place called home, allow me to make note of the fact that many people’s homes are not exactly the most ideal places. I know a number of people who would give anything just to be away from home. However, even for such people, there comes a time when the loneliness that eats them up can only be done away with by visiting home.

With the Christmas season upon us, there is a traditional feeling that the holidays are spent home – with the family. While many of us who will be working during the festive season will be busy as hell, we will still make time to rush home and enjoy the Christmas lunch with the parents. The point is; the Christmas season is a time to be with one’s family; the people who would put an arm and a leg to prove that they love you.

For the Ugandans who are abroad, I would like to take this moment (and this blog post) to let you know that we are waiting for your return; yes – you belong here. You may have spent decades out there but we would rather you spent the holidays with us.

If you are wondering why I think you should come over, allow me to woo you.

The Awesome Weather  

I am sure you have read somewhere that the weather in Uganda is wonderful and very Christmassy. We may not have snow here but I can confidently tell you that we have the kind of weather that Santa Claus would love to chill in. Just yesterday the day started off with a beautiful scorch of the sun and then it gently tip toed into a windy mid morning before slowly drifting into a rainy situation in the afternoon. Let’s just say this weather over here will get you feeling everything all in one day. Oh and did I mention that it is the finest weather in the East African region? No, scratch that, it is the finest weather in Africa. As a matter of fact, this weather is the finest weather in the world. Instead of freezing in the Boston snow, getting fried in the Emirates heat or drowning in the Manchester rains, come back to Kampala and let’s enjoy this Christmassy weather.

lake b
Beautiful, just beautiful

Everyone is coming back

Just yesterday I was speaking with a friend in Melbourne who kept reminding me about the day she would be touching down at Entebbe airport. The excitement she has for the trip back home is nothing short of heart warming. She has had a countdown calendar for several weeks now and is slowly inching towards her ‘return date’. She kept reminding me that no matter how awesome Melbourne or any other city in the world is, it just doesn’t feel like Christmas as much as it would if one were home. Everyone is coming back home for Christmas and so it would make sense for you too to book your flight well in time. People like Sejusa who were presumed to be in hiding abroad have themselves decided to come back home for the holidays; so you are going to be left out there on your own. And did I mention that our airport is not as bad as it used to be? Fine, there are still a few patches here and there but hey, it is the festive season, let’s be positive now shall we? A few of my buddies in Boston have threatened to throng the streets of Kampala from the 20th onwards and their reason is – there is nowhere else a true party can be held other than in Kampala.

uganda-canoe-lake-bunyoniTake a boat if you have to, just come on back home 

Tight Security

In the past, a number of media houses in the West repeatedly portrayed Africa as a dangerous place where butt naked people constantly hacked each other to death as they struggled for bush meat. I know that many have drifted away from that stereotype, but there are still a few that maintain a similar chain of thought. I would like to debunk this thinking right here right now. We are not hacking each other to death and we are certainly not struggling for bush meat. And No – there is no Ebola in Uganda. What we are doing however is making sure that our security is beefed up and that we are able to walk, party and enjoy our lives way into the devilish hours of the night. Uganda is quite a secure place today and even though there may be occasional instances where neighbours exchange blows or friends slap each other, we are generally a calm lot. We have not had instances of tear gas in a while; not because we ran out of stock but because there is more understanding between the cops and the people.

Uganda-Police-Things are now in order

A Reminder – This is the Pearl of Africa

I always save the best for last. Yes – Uganda is a beautiful country blessed with quite many attributes and features that will sweep anyone off their feet. I was born in Uganda and this might make me a little biased but allow me to say this – Uganda is the most beautiful country you will ever visit. True; I have not been to very many countries but then again, with Uganda close to my heart, I see very little reason stray so far away. Whether you are interested in Flora, Fauna, the Food or just the people, Uganda serves you with a perfect buffet of nature delivered right to where you are; as long as you are within the borders of this beautiful country. Without necessarily ruining the surprise for anyone, I’d like to say that whether you are coming home for the holidays or you are coming just to visit, book your ticket well in time because the party is about to get started.

visit-uganda

There are about 34 other reasons why anyone who is abroad should seriously think about coming back home for the holidays but because the Blog will only allow for this much, I will let it rest.

Just come home already.

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” ― Maya Angelou, All God’s Children Need Traveling Shoes

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

True Power

Power can generally be defined as the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behaviour of others or the course of events. If someone or something has the ability to hold you hostage and render you utterly motionless in whatever way then they probably have substantial power over you. While argument might switch to the different forms of power, we can generally accept that the SI Unit of Power is pretty much the same – it can make you cancel your plans (against your will) and it makes you take on entirely random things.

With this description of power, I’d like to attempt to identify a few instances where this animal called power can be seen and felt. While we all view power differently, we can all agree that some instances of power are universally effective. Irrespective of what anyone else will say, I know several people who deserve the title of powerful.

I shall go ahead to mention some of these powerful people.

Side Chics

Let’s not even begin to pretend that side chics aren’t powerful or do not matter in relationships. Side chics are actually the reason many relationships have stayed the course and held steady for a while. You see, in any relationship, there is always a third unseen and often unheard party who makes sure that the main chic remains unbothered. This side chic usually knows all the nasty secrets of a man and is able to hold him by his tennis balls so as to get whatever she wants from him. Most side chics will put to the sword whatever other chics might want to show up and will literally shed blood for a guy just to keep his reputation intact. The standard side chic is logical, calculative and abnormally powerful. Men who have these side chics know that any second they can be taken ransom and so they treat these side-lings with caution. When the side chic decides to bring you down, there is very little the main chic can do – other than hold your hand as you go down. The true side chic knows her power and never really wields it around aimlessly. She occasionally reminds you that you are in her clutch but never ever lets you out. That is true power.

A-Side-ChickSide Chics have power!

African Leaders

There is this very popularly shared quote that people spread around … something about power belonging to the people. Unless anyone is an African leader, they have no power whatsoever. An African leader is the true embodiment of power; ruthless, hungry for more and filled with megalomaniac tendencies. If you attempt to as much as tell him that he is wearing the wrong shoe on the wrong foot, you might get a whooping of a lifetime. There is something that usually happens to a person when he gets into power. He becomes someone entirely different and most of the time you can barely understand him. Occasionally bits and pieces of him will surface and you might even almost understand his position, especially since you are African too. Along the way though, he will spiral out of control and become an iron-arm-wielding bloke who grew up keen to make up for his lack of parental love by squeezing his countrymen to the wall. African leaders make it seem like they are born of power and therefore must die of power which is unfortunate because it makes all those around them imagine that leadership is all about power. They say power corrupts but I think it only corrupts those who are originally wired to be corrupted.

Beating

African leaders don’t fool around

Newborn babies

These little fellas have so much power but they don’t even know it. Very few things are as disturbing as a newborn baby’s cry in the middle of the night. When a baby has just been born, any sound they make is of utmost importance. Whether it is a fart, a shriek in the wee hours or an innocent laugh, the parents are usually forced to constantly keep a keen eye and ear to the life proceedings of the little fella. When a baby begins to grow, there comes a time when the power they wield begins to reduce because the parents have somewhat figured out the routine and know how to deal with it. The older babies grow, the less power they have and at some point, they become so powerless that they get shipped off to boarding school with or without their will / consent.

Yawning babyA Powerful yawn!

Telecom Companies

In this world that is ruled by technology, there can only be so many players as powerful as telecom companies. These guys can literally screw with you and get away with it. True, there will be a few screams here and a few shouts there but at the end of the day when you need to make that phonecall at 3:24 am, you run back to them for redemption. Personally I have decided to be the most treacherous person when it comes to Telecom companies. If I feel like someone is giving me a raw deal, I up and leave; after all, there are increasingly more Telecom companies offering similar services. However, the vast majority of people I know are bound and held down by strange loyalties so much that they will pay through the nose for crappy services, complain all day and then go back to the same damn network. That right there is what I call power. You will complain all day, make all the noise you possibly can, but then go back to the same woman who denied you sex the previous day. Power!

PhoneTypical instrument of power

Pastors

Say what you will about Pastors but these guys wield more power than we care to admit. In many churches, pastors are actually more powerful than Jesus, the person whose Gospel they claim to preach. A pastor will tell his flock to give in all their possession and be counted as entrants into the Kingdom of the most high. And then they will go ahead to purchase and flaunt the finest cars, wear the most expensive suits and basically enjoy the most expensive lifestyle – without as much as any member of the flock lifting a finger. Pastors can send you to hell by just uttering one or two words. From what I gather, they can also secure a place for you at the right hand of the father; although this will probably be at a fairly substantial price. As  men of God, Pastors are regarded the representatives of God on earth and so oftentimes they are accorded the kind of respect and fear that God deserves. A pastor will take his flock to bed in the name of the Lord and get away with it. The rest of us shall do it and get thrown behind bars for soliciting sex. What we shall call embezzlement and corruption, the flock shall call offering and tithing. Power!

Eat GrassNot many people can order others to eat grass and not receive opposition

“Recognizing power in another does not diminish your own.” ― Joss Whedon

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Sell It!

New and interesting revelations by Fisheries state minister Ruth Nankabirwa have created substantial uproar on social media in the past few days. Someone sent me a link to an online article about the Honourable Minister’s pronouncement on Lake Victoria and I was particularly intrigued. I am not the biggest environmentalist out there and neither can I claim to be huge on issues to be with Lake Victoria. I am not even a fish or related to a Mermaid so I am not so big on water bodies. However, I was taken aback when I read that there were/are plans to ”find an investor to manage” a part of the Lake.

Lake VicSee that pretty blue thingi in the middle? It’s up for sale

With the Government finalising plans to have a private investor take over Lake Victoria, one then wonders what else we shall be left with. Well, before people can lose their minds on this whole sale of Lake Victoria thing, I would like to reassure people by insisting that there are several other things we shall be left with. In fact, I recommend the Government holds off selling Lake Victoria and embarks on selling some other things.

The Uganda Cranes

Following the recent run of unfortunate results, any sane Ugandan would recommend that the Cranes come under better management so they can perform better. One of the more obvious ways these boys can get better is by making sure that they are put under new management. I propose that an investor be invited from Germany, Netherlands or Spain to take over the Cranes. This person can then squeeze results out of the Cranes with the understanding that the Cranes is a profit making entity. This would then mean that the Cranes get paid depending on the results they post. I am confident we shall have a better chance at eventual qualification. On the other hand, since the Cranes give us (or at least are supposed to give us) national pride, we could just lease them on a 5 year basis. Every regime that takes over political power can bring in its own investor to run the cranes. Sounds like a plan!

CranesGoing once … going twice … 

A Few Ministers

A good chunk of our ministers are quite the item for sell on so many levels. For starters, there is the undeniable fact that many of them have seen a fair share of years on earth and would probably do well in museums and cultural heritage sites. They have been around for a while and would certainly be on cue to tell stories from the old age. In stead of reading stories of Gipiri and Labong as well as Kintu and Nambi from books, some Ministers can volunteer first hand information. There is also the fact that many of these ministers have been caught napping on the job several times. Who would buy them? Well, companies that deal in mattresses or beddings do need people to test out their stuff. Ministers would be awesome candidates for this because they have displayed commendable skill in this department. Those can fetch us some awesome money after all.

Boom

Name your Price

The President’s Hat

Every Ugandan knows that the president’s hat is an instrument of enormous power and vision. This hat has brought this country thus far. It has ensured that we are held in peace, stability and extreme modernisation and it has made sure that we are never lost in terms of vision. This hat has been the reason why for nearly three decades we have maintained a certain state of calmness. Why am I talking about this hat? Well, it is simply because I am proposing that this hat be sold. And before you can raise alarms and spray tear gas in my direction, allow me to explain myself. You see, when something is very precious to you, there is a high chance that others will want it for themselves. If this is to happen, why not share it … at a price? I don’t see why we can’t sell this legendary hat to the highest and most suitable bidder who can then go ahead to use it suitably to foster their own ideals. This hat, in my opinion, carries with it quite a lot of value and importance. We should be honourable and generous enough to share it with the rest of the world at a good price.

HatConcentrate on the hat … forget the person wearing it

Golola Moses

Let’s face it – Golola Moses is probably one of the greatest possible exports this country has underxploited over the past few years. After Ziggy D’s Eno Mic, Zari’s South African prowess, Otunu’s tenure at the UN and Ssekandi’s White House Sandals, I think the next big thing we ought to hit the world with is Golola Moses. This guy has on several occasions talked loudly and failed to even crawl. This dude talks so much he deserves a round of applause from all loud mouthed people – myself inclusive. Golola Moses makes threats to his opponents but he has never really managed to deliver or at least he has flattered to deceive. Now here is what I propose; sell Golola Moses to a terrorist organisation. Why? Well, because they deal quite a lot in threats …often empty ones. Occasionally they will slay one or two people to try and pull attention to themselves but overall there is not much in the way of results. Also, they can be quite senseless and brutal when they mean to be – that is Golola Moses right there. Have you seen this guy demolish a plate of food?

PorridgeNeed I say more?

Born Again Pastors

For a while now, I have been making quite a bit of noise about how certain pastors have made it a habit to garner substantial wealth from their flock. I do understand that the word of God is sharper than a double edged sword and I am also aware that Pastors are quite convincing and usually insightful. However, it defeats all logic when pastors preach to their people that they should remain with as few worldly possessions if they are to make it into heaven. I believe Pastors should be added to the list of those to be sold because they have perfected the art of convincing people to willingly get fleeced. These guys can literally run any country’s economy (of course except ours) on nothing but handouts. And since we may be constrained with getting money, we can rely on the Pastors to garner money for us without us even doing much work.

HumerThe Pastor says ‘Give’ and he will get this ride before you have the chance to say ‘AMEN!’

If you know of anything/anyone else that should be sold, feel free to share with me so we can come up with some kind of resolution that we can then hand over to the Speaker of Parliament – who might not escape our list of things for sale too.

“Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.”  ― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

The Happy Ones

In this round world that never seems to stop spinning, everyone likes to feel like they are on top of things. Now before anyone’s mind can take residence in the gutter I’d like to clear the air by adding that I am not referring to the person-on-top sexual thing. Although I am specifically intrigued by the positions of human beings during coitus, it is with profound seriousness that I distance myself from such thoughts at this moment in time. Right now I am talking about being in control and having things go your way; I am talking about happiness. We all like to be happy and even though many of us eventually die, perish and are forgotten without even getting a whiff of happiness, it is safe to say that we all crave that sweet pill.

happiness wordleThe Perfect Craving

A great man once told me that the true mark of happiness is the ability to infect others with this happiness. (The man I am referring to is my dad and YES – he is a great man). According to this wise man, if people around you cannot see, feel or benefit from this happiness then you may as well go back to the drawing board. Happiness is not supposed to be selfish; it is supposed to be communal. People might pretend to be happy, wear happy faces, sing happy songs but silently waste away with sadness because they have refused to share their happiness.

After being on this earth for a little while, I have learnt that happiness is almost an exclusive concept and not too many people can boast to have it. There are a few people who in my opinion enjoy real happiness because they know nothing else.

There are however some who know nothing but happiness, not just because they appear happy but because they spread this happiness around – often times at no cost. I present a few of these special folks.

  1. Little Children

There is no doubt that little children are extremely happy creatures. They are oblivious to things like global warming, taxation, wars, leaked nudes, Ebola and famine. They simply live – happily. How they manage to do this, no one knows yet – which is a bit strange since we were all once children. When a child has just been born, they usually send out a tiny little cry to alert the world that they have arrived. They simply pop out and begin to enjoy the free oxygen out here. During their infant years, they demand for things, they are totally destructive and they are generally a nuisance but always get away with it because they simply don’t give a rat’s ass. The happiness that these little fellas enjoy is the kind that cannot be faked or worn as a mask because it is real. The simplest of things make them extremely happy and one does not need to be a psychologist to know that a little child is happy. They never complicate things like women who will tell you they are happy while holding daggers to your back or relatives who will appear happy yet they are secretly counting down to when R.I.P is added to your name so they can enjoy what you leave behind. Little children in my opinion are the happiest creatures on this universe.

BrilliantWise words from Yogi Bhajan

  1. Drunk People

When looking at the list of happy people, drunk people come in at a close second. The only difference between the happiness of little children and that of drunk people is that drunk people’s happiness is somewhat unpredictable, often relative and ocassionally annoying. You see, drunk people tend to be overly happy and excited, so much that they end up losing the plot and stepping on the toes of one or two people. A story is told of a fairly wealthy man in Kampala who tends to drink, get happy, and buy drinks for whoever is within a five meter radius. This obviously comes off as boastful to some but it is something that the rest of us gladly welcome with open arms and empty beer mugs. Such wealthy and generous people define true happiness. If one becomes happy and can not make another person happy, they may as well shove their happiness up their backside. A bit harsh? You bet! And this is why drunk people rank at Number two. They need not be prompted to spread their happiness. They will volunteer to share their happy stories with you, and they may share a little more than they ought to, all in the name of happiness – but who cares? What a wonderful lot of people!

DrunkGospel Truth 

 

  1. Radio Presenters

This is probably going to come as a surprise to many people but radio presenters are some of the happiest people I know on earth. I know this not just because I am one, but because I live around them every day of my life and I see how hilarious and happy their conversations can be. These guys will live crappy lives, be bogged down by loans, have issues of ex-partners and basically be up against the wall in troubles but you will never know this by listening to them. They make their listeners happy without even being prompted. Naturally, they are wired to be perfect actors and to spread happiness despite what may be going on their own lives. What about TV Presenters? Yeah, what about them? I’ll tell you what – they suck! TV presenters are not even half as awesome as radio presenters when it comes to sharing happiness. They often makeup way too much and try too hard to come off as happy even when you can tell from their faces that they are probably hungry or poorly paid. Is this blog about radio presenters vs TV presenters? Probably not; but hey, this shoe seems to fit quite perfectly. Anyway, forget those pretenders.

Back to the subject. Radio Presenters are happy people who do not bash TV Presenters when they have the chance.

From a very young age, I always wanted to be a radio presenter and even when it seemed like my dream was meeting hurdles in the form of lack of opportunity and having a rather uncool voice, I still felt like it was my destiny to be on air. And today, while I may still not have the coolest voice or be the most interesting person on radio, it is safe to say that I am certainly one of the happiest persons around.

responsible-for-my-own-happinessI run things on my own!

They say one can be happy if they decide to be and I have kind of made the decision to be happy. I can no longer enjoy the happiness that children enjoy and neither can I rely on the happiness that drunkards enjoy because that is only momentary and usually ends in a deathly hangover couple with strange messages in the sent folder along with several unexplained body injuries. This therefore leaves me with one option – happiness born out of being a Radio Presenter.

“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” ― Abraham Lincoln

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Proudly Ugandan

The English dictionary describes the word Pride as “a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction …” of course it goes on to add something about how this pleasure or satisfaction is derived but right now, I am interested in the pleasure and satisfaction bit. There are very many things in this world that give me pleasure and satisfaction. Some of these aren’t exactly the kind I am keen to share with the rest of the world but I quietly grin within myself with untold gratification.

Evil

Oh but some of the things that make me proud …. mehn!

Similarly, there are many (widely accepted) things that make me proud and give me deep pleasure and extreme satisfaction. Some of them include supporting Manchester United, SC Villa and Uganda Cranes, seeing a close friend get married or succeed in getting his wife knocked up, bumping into an old friend who still remembers my name, being a first born son to my parents and helping a little child do their homework. These are some of the little things that warm my heart and give me reason to feel proud.

The one thing that tops the list and probably makes me soak up with tears of pride is the fact that I am Ugandan. Yes – I love this country to the depth of my existence. Someone reading this will probably imagine that I have a relative in a top government position therefore I have every (financial and social) reason to be a proud Ugandan but far from it; I am one of the lesser known citizens with little or no connection to the nobles of this country. However, the pride that I carry within me is the kind that cannot be questioned, doubted or second guessed.

Uganda

Straight Up! 

I shall be so kind as to share my reasons for this pride.

I have little choice in the matter

The truth of the matter is that I am a proud Ugandan partly because I was born here and really there is not much I can do to change that fact. It is very likely that if I had been born in Myanmar, Congo, Japan or Zimbabwe I’d still be a proud citizen of that country. Before anyone can start to call me fickle in my allegiance to Uganda, I have to add that now that my mind is open and I can make a choice to revoke my Ugandan Citizenship and adopt citizenship elsewhere, I have chosen to remain Ugandan. That should say something about my allegiance and pride despite my loud and clear assertion that I had little choice in the matter. I was born here without my consent but if I could change anything about my birth, I would probably just change the colour of sheets that were on the bed when I was born. NO; I will not tell you what colour the sheets were!

Boy Looking Down

Little Children really have limited choices

Have you heard Ugandans Speak?

I am a person who is keen and appreciative of phonetics, accents and articulation, and I can confidently say that Uganda is the one place where perfect speech is born, cultivated and harvested. No matter the language, Ugandans will never fail to impress when it comes to breaking it down through speech. Listen to two Iteso exchange sweet nothings and you will hear what I am talking about. Drop in on two Batoro share a rough joke about their Muganda neighbour and you will see things from my point of view. Eavesdrop on an Acholi man telling off his stubborn daughters and you will share this sentiment that I speak of. Go on; listen to Ugandans speak and you will be blown away. These people have the most eargasmic speech patterns in the whole world. Forget that Xhosa Clicking or the Nigerian accentuation. Forget the American nose speech or the Chinese Mandarin flow. Right here in Uganda is where perfect and rich speech belongs. Travel from one end of the country to the other and indulge the native folk in random speech and I can guarantee you will be blown away. And have you heard us speak English? WOW! Just WOW! True, we may have a Mirundi murdering the Queen’s language here or a Sseya raping Her Majesty’s lingo but overall, we do speak some very fine English this side of the world.

Uglish-spoken-here

One or two Universities might need to have this put up

Ugandan Girls run the good looks business

Do not be deceived by the somewhat unconvincing Ugandan girls who feature at the Miss World beauty pageant or the slightly off colour contestants we send to Big Brother. Those are just but our average people. We are very beautiful people here in Uganda and we are not afraid to stake claim. At the risk of sounding biased, I will say this with extreme confidence; Ugandan ladies are some of the finest ladies in the world. And this is not just because they are mostly drop dead gorgeous and well curved but also because a good number have got brains to match the rather killer looks. You will see them at a distance, get blown away by their break-taking natural forms and then get close and get dumbfounded by their brilliance, humour and intellect. Uganda women are simply the truth! And I haven’t said anything about how they dance like strippers, walk like models and sing like fat women. And you know what they say about good dancers when it comes to matters of the sack; they can dance their way to an orgasm with so much ease one wonders why other women even bother chasing after Ugandan men. We are all taken by queens who are too good at the game the rules have to be changed – just for them.

Komuntale-Ruth.

Look at this dangerously gorgeous Ugandan Specimen over here

We have a wonderful small little family here

Uganda is fairly a small country despite the fact that we are in the business of working hard to over populate this exploding little piece of land. This small size of the country means that we are not as many as the citizens of other countries. This essentially means that we are a closer knit country and we tend to have relations spread all over the country. Once you have gone through the education system from the very bottom all the way to University, it is rare for you to go a day without meeting someone from your past. That is how closely knit a society we are. Also, when you do something in private with one person and they share it with another person, there is a huge chance the whole country will get to know it. We share information with zeal and enthusiasm. We live to gossip and occasionally we gossip to live. We create whatsapp groups, Facebook groups and Twitter Cliques to discusss our neighbours, work mates, ex partners and relatives.

Truth

 

And this is how it usually starts

But of course there are other reasons

Before I started writing out this Blog, I had well over 45 reasons I had jotted down to prove that my Ugandan Pride was never in question and some of them include the Uganda Cranes who are always almost qualifying for the AFCON until mathematics happens, the wonderful education system that will let you graduate with beautiful English and numerous friends but no job, the excess peace that we enjoy so much that we want to export some of it to Somalia and Congo as well as the great entertainement scenet that is bursting with too many upcoming artists they need a political party. Let’s just say there is a lot of madness, confusion and near mayhem in Uganda but I love every little single bit of it and I would never trade it in for anything else. So as Independence day closes in, I would like to take this opportunity to remind my Government that we may exchange insults, argue, draw weapons, even make empty threats, but ultimately, I love this beautiful country Uganda; the Pearl of Africa.

Flag

I’ll have one of these flying around for a while

“Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it….” ― George Bernard Shaw

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter