Kla Lingo (Part 2)

I will begin this blog post by stating a rather useless fact; I hate TV series. Save for one or two old series, I generally do not like being left in suspense and I sure as hell do not like to leave things hanging on unfinished. That being said, this Blog post happens to be the 2nd in a three-part series of blog posts about the lingo in Kampala.

Why wasn’t I able to have everything summed up in one blog post? Well, for starters, I am a wordy person and I will most likely use 38,407 words to explain to a woman why I cannot date her instead of simply using 5 or 6 words. So, yeah; I need more time to say even the simplest and smallest of things. Also, I am practicing my TV show writing skills and the last lesson I learnt is – never give them everything in one show.

So, here goes with the follow up to last week’s Kla lingo.

Part 2 (I – P)

I – International

In Uganda the word international has very little (and in some cases nothing at all) to do with being global or worldwide. The word international is a word that has now been added to the Ugandan dictionary as a preffix ( and sometimes a suffix). It is often added with another word to give the allure that something is of better quality or appeal for instance an international school with only locals as students, an international upcoming artist whose music is only listened to by his closest friends, an international girlfriend who has never gone across the border, an international phone that was manufactured in Katwe and an international hospital that is run by Ugandans, treats Ugandans and has no connection to the world outside except for the fact that the medicines used are imported. If you are looking to make your business seem legit, simply add the word international and you will be good to go. This, for instance, is an international Blog post.

GlobalMany of our International things are not as global as one would expect

Other I words / phrases: Imbalu, Iteso people, Illuminati, Ikong Joseph, Imagine by Peter Miles, Infrastructural Development that never happens.

J – Jamrock

There is a tiny little bar in Kampala that hosts a very popular Reggae night once every week. This Reggae night has over the years become something of a routine for a good number of Kampala dwellers and revellers. Several artists, both upcoming and already up there have been known to show face at this night either to promote their purportedly reggae music or to simply mix and mingle with the rather segmented crowd. One or two revellers might know the right words to certain reggae songs but the whole bar often explodes into a chorus of off-key and off-tune wails when their favourite songs are played. There is also a very popular pulling factor that this bar has; an-out-of-this-world happy hour coupled with overly friendly waiters and waitresses. I am a bigger rockhead than a rasta man but I pass there ever once in a while for some bashment.

jamrock_by_sk8erchickroz-d33q7fe

And I sing who Jah bless, let no man curse …

Other J words / Phrases : Julianna, Just katono, Jennifer, Jennifer tuyambe, Jinja.

K – Kuliche / Kuriche

Depending on what part of the country you come from, you can pronounce this word in any way suitable. Basically the word being inferred here is the English word ‘Cliche’ which is a big time favourite of a one Tamale Mirundi. Anyone who has been in front of a TV or listened to a radio in the past several years has heard the voice of this man – Tamale Mirundi. This gentleman is the definition of a loud and inccesant chatter box with a whole lot of grossly misplaced intended to confuse and yet scare the listener / viewer. He is often alarmist, frequently subversive, occasionally diversionary and abnormally hilarious. His favourite word is ‘Kuriche’.

Tamale-Mirundi

The originator of the word Kuriche

Other K Words : Katooto, Kasana, Kyabise, Kikomando, Kumbaya, Katogo

L – Lira Lira

This is one of the most potent drinks in Eastern, Central and Southern Africa. The drink is so potent in alcoholic content, so much that the geniuses who invented it figured that naming it twice would send the point home. Unfortunately, there has not yet been a proper process to package and export it, seeing as Uganda is well known for alcohol consumption. That being said, anyone who visits Northern Uganda or communities around the country that are inhabited by people from Northern Uganda will get the chance to taste this awesome drink. It has the ability to make one happy while giving them the most gruesome look all at once.

duff-beer-simpsons-crossover.0

Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson have themselves endorsed Lira Lira

Other L words : Lungujja, Langi, Luzinda, Love affair, Laba lumonde, Luweero.

M – Make It Nasty

Once upon a time, there was a bunch of students from a very popular University who engaged in what has now come to be termed as a ‘ground breaking activity’. The details of this activity are referred to as ‘making it nasty’ because these students coined the phrase to refer to their activity. Today, whenever anyone is taking part in an activity of this nature, they will be referred to as ‘making it nasty’. To be able to make it nasty, one requires a willing female, a willing male and a video recording device. No more information shall be shared in this section seeing as this blogger recently learnt that under 18 children also read the blog. A combination of some of these words would be something like ‘Let us make it nasty in the mweruka mode’ – this simply means ‘Let us do the dirty silently’.

keep-calm-and-make-it-nasty-8

Ahem! Ahem!

Other M Words / phrases : Muyaye, Mwooyo, Mungato, Muvubuka, Mbale, Mweruka mode, model empya.

N – No Change

There are a number of Ugandans who subscribe to the school of thought that asserts that ‘unless it is broken and shattered to pieces, do not attempt to fix it’. These Ugandans have dedicated their lives to fronting the ‘No Change’ campaign in the hope that the status quo shall remain unchanged. From the political point of view, the ‘No Change’ slogan is often used whenever an incumbent is standing for an electoral position that he is still occupying. It is very common among the peasants, uneducated and sycophants. It is also a statement used by traders when telling their customers that they have no smaller denominations of money.

motivational-interviewing-change-or-no-change

We each sit where we feel comfortable

Other N words / phrases : Nagisi, Nye, Neera, Nebbi, Nubian, Ndombolo, Nantaba

O – Ondaba

Ondaba is a self empowering movement with experiences made in Uganda. It is a campaign set up to recognise the uniqueness that is Uganda. In essence, the word is a Luganda word that relates to being seen or noticed. The aim of this campaign is to have people and groups of people identify themselves as proud Ugandans through what they eat, how they dress, where they go, the things they own, the lives they lead and generally who they are. One is likely to bump into the hashtag #Ondaba on various social media platforms. It is simply an attempt by Ugandans to stand out and express pride in their country no matter how pathetic or hopeless the situation may seem.

Ondaba

Akapande mukalaba?

Other O Words / Phrases – Oyagala Cash, Oyorific, Open and close, Omara the Afande, Onfudde Muddu wo,

P – Potential

A few years ago, the duo of Radio and Weasel of Goodlyfe got together with Zambian singer General ozzy to make some music. The trio put their brains together and emerged with a song (Potential) that created some kind of cult following for Goodlyfe. The song ‘potential’ is about a woman having the potential to sweep a man off his feet. The word ‘potential’ went on to become a word that described anything that is worthy. You will now hear people say things like ‘that woman has potential’, ‘this phone has potential’, ‘that man’s car has potential’, or ‘the current Gov’t has lost its potential’.

Ruth

Look at all this Komuntale Potential. Pity it went to waste.

Other P Words / Phrases – Porn, Pomili, President waffe, Pader, P

Next week we shall finally have Part 3 (of 3) of the Kla lingo. Until then, keep it together and once again, please do not be a victim of language barrier in Kampala.

“The limits of my language means the limits of my world.” ― Ludwig Wittgenstein

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Advertisements

Heat thesis

Over the past couple of weeks, Kampala has witnessed unprecedented temperature levels that have had people curve out all sorts of theories to explain the burning phenomenon. While some have insisted that the Lord is punishing us for our wickedness, others have alleged that the Government has had a hand in the heat wave. Some others have gone as far as asserting that certain women hold the key to unlocking the rains.

It’s been so hot a number of people have become several shades darker while others cannot risk taking their children out into the sun lest they get roasted and fried by the unrelenting sunshine. Two or three ‘summers’ have suffered what I have come to learn is a ‘heat stroke’ – a condition I previously thought Africans were immune to. It is currently so dry that I believe the Rive Nile will probably start cutting down it’s flow to just once or twice a week.

DogIt is just so hot right now!

Everything in this world happens because of one reason or another.

I therefore present my reasoning behind this ridiculously hot weather that has had one of my neighbours continously go to bed naked and leave her windows wide open, the weather that will soon have cows giving powdered milk.

I offer my theories for the current heat wave.

The Govcontrol Theory

I have always maintained the notion that nothing in this country happens unless it has been given a go-ahead by the Government. The Government decides when it will be morning and when it will be noon-time. If the Government wanted, it could easily flip the calendar to have 65 days and not the traditional 30 or 31 days. The Government can even alter the course of event so much that day-time does not precede night-time but rather some other condition altogether.

The Government is therefore solely responsible for this horrible weather.

While people are getting darker and darker by the minute, the Government secretly looking on with a big fat smile. There are reports that at some point, when everyone has turned as black as coal, then the Government will offer us all some kind subsidized redemption. It is likely that companies that deal in cold drinks, bleaching creams, light clothing, fans, air conditioners and water melon are currently reaping big and paying a good chunk to the Government. So until the Government has eaten enough from these companies, we may as well brace ourselves for an extended dry and extremely hot spell.

Govert comic

The Dryfem Theory

If you have been in Kampala for the past two or three months, ‘dryness’ is something you will think about on two levels. First, there is the dryness all around us; the one where you step out of your house and suddenly feel like the blood in your veins is boiling; the one where you sleep naked fully aware that the mosquitoes will not bother you because they can not take the heat; the one where you get home, open your fridge and have a near orgasm because the cold air that gushes out feels like heaven. Then there is the other dryness – the one that Zari became a household name for; the one Father Lokodo should campaign against instead of wasting time and resources on 50 Shades of Grey, the one that prompts females to visit bushes, plantations and caves in seach of remedies.

Both are upon us as we speak.

The gods are not happy that many of our females are as dry as a dead dingo’s donger.

Father Lokodo has it within his power to bring an end to both dryness levels because I believe one begets the other but the gods will not tell us just yet. While we are busy cursing the gods of weather and calling them names for sending us this heat wave, we are forgetting that they are only following suit. It is dry outside because it is dry inside. Deal with one and the other shall automatically fall in line.

water artWhat a glorious umbrella to be under … 

The Economic Theory

Another (very legitimate) school of thought has it that this dry weather is the making of the economic decision makers of this Godforsaken country. These people have opted to spend countless hours doing nothing for their country and earning chunks of money for it. They have driven the economy too deep into the ground even the ground is now complaining; we’ve gone in too deep. They have done this so much that the weather and the dollar rate have decided to rebel.

I know what you are about to ask and the answer is Yes – the dry weather is a sibling to the dollar rate.

You see, a long time ago, the weather and the dollar rate were close siblings. This was until their father, the economy, decided to give birth to a stubborn brother; corruption. When corruption entered the equation, the family became unstable. Dollar rate developed a wobbly movement pattern and the weather was simply bigheaded. Each of them wanted to be the bigger brother. Until recently, they have each taken turns to run affairs in the family. As we speak today, they are jointly screwing us over while their father, the economy just looks on with a huge smile because his sons are running affairs. It is likely we shall be spitting cotton and many swimming pools will close off one or two lanes for a while – the dry spell will stop when the economy sorts issues out.

TruthThe heatwave has gotten a bit too serious

The Beewol Theory

There is no theory here. I just felt like having my name added to the list of theories would be a fair attempt at getting back at my High School teachers. You see, these guys shoved countless theories named after so many people in our faces we ended up losing track. Today, I too shall curve out a theory named after myself.

The Beewol theory states …

“The cause of the heat in Kampala is the high temperatures … the reverse is also true”

Suck on that you High School teachers with fancy incoherent theories.

US heatwave, MarylandWhat we wouldn’t give for this! 

Totally unrelated … okay slightly related

News reached my desk that the recent dryness in Kampala was sponsored by National Water and Sewerage Corporation. I am still investigating these claims but it is likely that this rumour was started by a competitor of NWSC. None comes to mind at the moment but like I said, I am still investigating all these claims. Some other people have suggested that the heat wave is sponsored by Government opposition but I am treating this too as just hearsay. After all, I don’t think the opposition has it in them to control the weather. Hope they are learning lessons from the NRM Government.

I shall now take my leave before this (now warm) beer starts boiling.

“Even when natural weather is good, human weather is bad.” ― Yasunari Kawabata

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Lentism

If you open the pages of any legitimate version of an English Dictionary, it is unlikely that you will find the word ‘lentism’. In fact, even if you typed the word ‘Lentism’ into Google and hit the ‘search’ button, it will humbly ask whether you meant leninism, kantism, lookism or lentils. Ignore both avenues; we are creating the word right here right now.

Allow me explain to you how and why this word is going to be introduced into our vocabulary.

But what is lent anyway?

Let us take it from the top then, shall we?

A good chunk of Christian churches are currently marking what is known as ‘lent’. According to wikipedia Lent is a solemn religious observance in the liturgical calendar of many Christian denominations that begins on Ash Wednesday and covers a period of approximately six weeks before Easter Sunday. Still, according to Wikipedia, the traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer through prayer, penance, repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement and self-denial.

Onto the Lentism

Now that we have fair understanding of what lent is, we can now graduate to the gist of this Blog Post. What the hell is lentism?

Lentism is the practice of curving out some kind of association with the 40-day Christian period of fasting with the intention of convincing oneself and all those around one that the association makes one a better person, a finer Christian and it brings one closer to right hand of the God.

Now before any Christian can start hurling stones at me and calling for my head on a platter, I shall proceed to turn on the switch on a few more floodlights.

You see, for the period I have been a Christian (which happens to be my entire life so far) I have learnt a few things about this wonderful faith of mine. One of the more prominent lessons I have learnt is that when it comes to fasting, fewer people are willing to do it in silence – the vast majority want to be seen and heard to be fasting. Fasting is primarily an act of willing abstinence or reduction from certain or all food, drink, or both, for a period of time. And this somewhat makes me wonder why people have to walk around with placards on their faces saying ‘Look here, I fasted.’

We are too loud 

For starters, if you have to tell everyone that you are fasting, then maybe you need to re-think your reasosn for fasting. You may as well go out of your way and wear a t-shirt with the words “Fasting to Impress” so we know you are serious. And while still on the subject of fasting, if I call you up to go hang out with me and you say your reason for not hanging with me is because you are fasting, then I think you are missing the point. A number of holy books will explain that if you are fasting, wash your face, look decent and smile at those around you. There is no need to go around drumming up attention to the fact that you are going a few hours without a drink. Unless I ask for a reason, I see no need to volunteer one.

We are just pathetic

It’s already been mentioned elsewhere but I will mention it nonetheless; fasting is no excuse to leave your house looking like a thug and smelling like a he-goat. Take a shower, wash your face, spray some deodorant and look as decent as you would if you were heading for a six-course meal. Just because you are fasting does not mean you should look starved, emaciated and dejected. Wear a smile. After all, the fasting (from what I gather) is between you and your God. True, the people around you will give you the re-assurance that you are not in the fast alone but at the end of the day you must remember that some human beings are as interested in your fasting details as the President is in the plight of Single men who have failed to get married.

The Hypocrites

I have tried as much as possible to stay away from Lentism because I get the feeling the Lord will punish me rather harshly if I pretend. Some people do not give a rat’s ass. I do know a number of people who have curved out personalities from being known as folks who fast religiously yet they indulge in the most evil of things. Some of these people claim to be fasting from morning to evening but somewhere along the way they indulge in the most unhealthy of foods while doing the strangest things known to man – all because no one is watching them. The trouble with these people is that they have the assumption that as long as the people around you see you fasting, you are good to go.

As much as I am not the most ideal Christian to look at in terms of faith, I will most likely fast when I am serious about it. Unless there is reason for someone to fast, they should never just get into the act of fasting. Also, if you are going to fast because you want to impress a certain lady somewhere, remind yourself of certatin truths about humanity. We often lead lives we do not appreciate just to impress people we barely even know.

So while we take time to map out the possibility of staying alive through this lent season, let us attempt to stay away from Lentism. There is a chance that a few of us shall actually lose the plot and go all out being radical and all but at the back of our minds we should never forget the true essence of fasting which is going absolutely hungry to the point that you hate anyone who says anything about food or eating for that matter.

Other things too

Oh by the way, is staying away from sex regarded fasting? If Yes, then a few people are going to have to repent extensively and repeatitively. If No, then a few others have been lying to themselves quite a lot. Once again, I cannot and will not claim to be an expert at fasting but I will say that maybe the Good Lord should make things a little clearer for us. Is fasting just about not eating your favourite foods or is it about completely staying away from anything edible? A little more clarity on the issue.

One last thing – we are several days into the fasting period; can we get some kind of down payment on the rewards? Some of us may not last the entire period.

“Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic’s spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal.”
― Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Swimming with Blue Whales

One of these days, I am going to start taking swimming lessons.

First of all, I am not a fan of water; in fact, I hate it. I shower once or twice everyday but I stay away from bathtubs, swimming pools, ponds, lakes, rivers, waterlogged potholes, seas, oceans and all other water places that may come to mind. Psychologists and medical experts with fancy titles often refer to people of my kind as suffering from Aquaphobia – a persistent and abnormal fear of water. It is therefore likely that I will not be auditioning for the role of Aquaman for DC Comics.

Whey then do I need swimming lessons?

Keep up – this is what I am explaining.

Arrival of an email                

Early last week, I received an email informing me of my nomination for the Social Media Awards. The email explained that I had been nominated in the category of ‘Most Influential Personality’ on social media in Uganda. I was euphoric and nearly screamed out loud but because I was in a taxi with a whole lot of clearly disinterested people, I figured I’d keep it in till I got to the office. When I got to the office, I re-read the email and then the euphoria turned to something akin to panic.

baby-met-laptop

I had to re-read the email several times to be sure

You see, I had been nominated alongside names that would ordinarily make anyone shriek and squeal uncontrollably because of extreme fear and twitchiness.

I will tell you a bit about these people later on.

Twist of Events

Having previously been a winner in the Bloggers’ category of the Social Media Awards, I figured that if any nomination was to come my way, it would be in the same category. Therefore seeing my name in a different category somewhat shook me to the core. However, knowing that there are many awesome bloggers out there, I imagined this time I did not cut it and I swallowed that with a gulp. I know most (if not all) the nominated bloggers and I can attest to the fact that they are all deserving nominees. And this is partly how I was able to wrap my mind around the fact that I had failed to make it to the list.

Now about the Whales

When I eventually settled in the office to look at the list of who else had been nominated in the various categories, I found myself drifting back to the ‘Most influential Personality’ category. This was not just because it was the category in which I am nominated but because of the names therein. The whole time I was looking at the nominees, I had to pinch myself over and over – to remind myself that my nomination was/is real.

The ocean is filled with various types of water creatures but none is as big as the Blue Whale (Balaenoptera physalus). The list of nominees was a pod of huge, superfast, legendary and out-of-this world Blue whales along with a little happy dolphin – myself.

Blue Whale

The blue whale is the largest mammal

How so?

Well, I shall shed a little light on the other nominees.

Amama Mbabazi is the proverbial Blue Whale that is the head of the pod. As a former Prime Minister, Minister for Security, Secretary General of the NRM and current MP for Kinkiizi West constituency in Kanungu District, it is likely that more Ugandans know him than all my friends and relatives combined. Experts from NASA have often wondered why aliens know him even though they have never made official contact with human beings.

The second Blue Whale, Qataha Raymond, is actually a close friend. Raymond, is one of the finest journalists I have come across in East Africa. He has worked with several media houses and prides himself in having contacts that go from here to mars. Anyone who is anyone knows this guy. Raymond and I have played foosball together, watched games where Arsenal loses to Man United, been to house parties together and done a lot of charity together and I can safely say he is a big wig. He knows the phone numbers of wealthy people, army men, beautiful girls and powerful lawyers off the top of his head.

The third Blue Whale is Esther Kalenzi, the brain, heart and soul of 40 Days Over 40 Smiles. Also a personal friend, a big dreamer and achiever, she is one of the most passionate people I have ever met. Humble, down to earth and abnormally compassionate, this girl is the definition of a winning woman. She loves and cares with no limits. I know a bunch of people who have confessed to joining charity because of her – I am one of those people.

The fourth Blue Whale is Andrew Mwenda – the old man of the Clan. This guy has epitomized the struggle for freedom of speech in Uganda and is part of the reason why many people can comfortably hurl insults at the regime. Mwenda is one of the most accomplished Ugandan journalists, he is a founder and owner of The Independent and a celebrated Community activist against Aid to Africa.

The fifth Blue Whale is Simon Kaheru. Now if you are on social media and you don’t know Simon – you need to repent because you are a sinner. He is a professional communicator with the ability to communicate anything to anyone with extreme ease, finesse and profound results. Tales are told of how he once gave a speech in bold italics with a strangely large font size. He doesn’t just think outside the box; he often throws the box out of the window just so he can think better.

Challenge Accepted

As a dolphin being ushered into the swimming game, I have decided to do the honourable thing and accept the challenge to swim with the Whales. I may not be the biggest fan of water but at this moment in time, I will be the dolphin that simply enjoys the ride alongside the Blue Whales.

humpbackwhaleanddolphin

Whales and Dolphins can be good friends too

Ladies, and Gentlemen, let the swimming games begin.

Click the link below to vote for the sea creatures that you think deserve the nod.

www.socialmediaawards.ug

 The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it – Jacques Yves Cousteau

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

To My Unborn Boy

Listen little fella, this is your father writing to you. You are not yet born and we are not yet sure who your mother will be but I am writing to you anyway. Don’t ask why I am not sure who your mother will be; I am still single and the last time I checked it takes two to make a baby. Also, your mother has not yet unveiled herself; if she has, I am too busy being awesome to notice. But hey, let us not lose focus here. You are the subject of this letter; not me.

Baby-Shoes

So then, shall we focus on my intention of writing this letter to you?

Good.

You see, little man, when you enter this world, you are flung into a ruthless and merciless world that will not give you a chance to steal even half a breath without making you pay dearly. Every step you make and every move you make will lead you to a certain point in your life which many people like to call destiny. Walk the right path my boy and make sure you have fewer regrets than satisfaction.

Am I sounding overly sanctimonious? Relax. I will make things easier for you.

Let me give you some insight into a few things I want you to learn from no one but your dad.

The other sex and their things

Women are a very vital part of your life. Your mother, sisters, daughters and aunties will all be female so you should make an attempt to reason with them. They will intentionally hurt you to get your attention; never lose your mind over them – it is how they are wired. Make them happy and you will be the happiest man alive. Rub them the wrong way and you may as well kiss happiness goodbye. Never attempt to get into an argument with women. You’d be more likely (and safer) to bump into a live fire breathing dragon on Kampala Road than to try winning an argument against a female. When she asks you one thing, be sure she means something else. A good chunk of their questions are actually rhetorical so try as much as possible to avoid being a smartass with them. “Do I look good in this?”, “Am I fat?”, “Do you love me?”, “Will you take me shopping?”, “Do you like my new hair?”, “Is the devil female?”; all these are questions with answers already written in stone. Never attempt to be creative and come up with your own answers otherwise that will be your demise right there.

understanding-women

End of the world things

Young man, in my time, we were threatened with the end of the world more times than I can remember. One thing is for certain, as long as you live a life worth remembering, you should never have to worry about the end of the world. Never fall for this end-of-the-world business my boy. If there is anything we as human beings have learned, it is that when someone dies, that is the end of their world. The rest of humanity carries on, often with an indifference that will make you wonder why we even worry about other people’s lives. Just make sure that the people around you are happy with the life you are living and the rest shall be okay. Oh and one other thing – if there is any religion or cult that sets a specific date as the possible end of the world, walk up to their leader and kick him in the nuts – I give you permission. It is mostly men who want to brainwash human beings with ludicrous and bogus ideas of the world’s end so beware who you listen to. Read the Bible, the Quran, the Bhagavad Ghita and whatever other Holy Book you can come across because I have learnt that the best way to indulge in any argument or discussion is to be immensely informed and well read.

young-entrepreneurs-changing-the-worldWhen you die, your world stop spinning. Period!

Money and career things

You will have probably heard this a billion times already but I will say it anyway, ‘Money is the root of all evil’ okay not all evil but most evil. As long as you let your life be ruled by money, you are bound to sell your soul to worthless and often inhumane causes. Make sure that you pursue a career that makes you happy while enabling you put food on the table. You don’t want your pretty wife and awesome kids starving now do you? Never ever get into any career solely because of the money. You will get consumed by it and you will end up forgetting who you really are. Stay true to yourself and pursue your personal dreams before thinking of money. I can guarantee that if you pursue your dreams with seriousness and focus, you will get shitloads of money you will not even know what to do with it. And if that ever happens, start a charity in my name. That’s right – not your name but mine. I am your father and I have dictated it. Fathers are always right! Yes – tell that to your son too.

capitalismThe love of money is the root of all evil

Heritage and Cultural Things

Every decade that passes, culture and heritage receive a blow below the belt from that thing called change. Try as much as possible to stay in touch with your cultural values and never forget your identity. Part of the reason why Africa as a continent is culturally wealthy is because of people like your grandfather, my dad, who swore never to abandon their culture no matter how useless or meaningless it appeared. Your granddad often dragged me to cultural events just so I could appreciate the African culture and heritage a little more. I might have been stubborn once or twice but overall, I now see why he felt like I needed the orientation. Way before I met your mother, when I was much younger, we often went to the countryside to see the old folks. We were involved in pompous and extravagant ceremonies complete with brew, food, song and dance all locally engineered. Make sure you get a wife who understands the value of culture and heritage so that she does not name my grandchildren something silly like Phone, Modem or Bandwidth. Young man, I want traditional names.

AwesomeDon’t these little ones look cute?

God knows I could go on and on but I’ll stop here because I know people of your time will not be too keen to read. So there; go on and live.

“It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.” ― John Guare, Landscape of the Body

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

A Valentine Death – Part II

Most times when someone is telling a rather long story that has no end anywhere in sight, they break it up and hoodwink people into subscribing for a sequel. This is what I am doing right here, except my story has an end in sight. Last week I put up a blog about Valentine’s Day and I conveniently titled it A Valentine Death – Part I. The idea was to build up to this week’s post which, as you would expect, is about Valentine’s Day too. In the run up to Valentine’s Day, I set out to ruin Valentines for everyone I know. Naturally some people are smart and have tried to hide from me, not picked up my calls and basically stayed clear of me because of the fear that I will ruin their Valentine’s Day. Well, they may not pick my calls or respond to my hate email but I am confident they will read this blog – secretly.

Cat readingMany of you will read this secretly, it’s Okay.

And this brings me to the point of this blog anyway. As a hater of Valentine’s Day and everything lovey-dovey, I would like to recruit a few people to my cult. We shall be setting out to ruin the day for others – especially the women; our women. I am going to share strategies that guys can employ to make sure that when the dust settles on Valentine’s Day your bank account balance is unshaken and your manhood is still intact. I am helping men regain the power they have lost over the years.

  1. The Old School Break-up Stunt

On Valentine’s Day last year, a whooping $14 Billion was wasted on women. This makes me mad because while all this money was spent on women, men were not any happier after Valentine’s Day. As a matter of fact, many men were sad, lonely dejected and still thirsty after Valentine’s Day. Which begs the question – what the hell is the fuss about anyway? How about a temporary break-up right before Valentine’s Day to save the expenditure? Throw her out right before Valentine’s Day. You have to make sure that the break-up is temporary so that after Valentine’s Day you can reboot your relationship and get back on track without having to worry about strange and often ugly bank withdrawals during the Valentine’s season. Change a buddy’s name in your phonebook to say Sally Boobs or Cathy Nice Legs or even Joan Sexy and then have them text you some sleazy lines. Have them text you suggestive and naughty messages with one or two downloaded images of a nice looking Samoan girl but with the caption ‘Me’. Then leave your phone lying around for the girlfriend to go through. She will be so mad at you she will simply walk away and then after Valentine’s when the dust has settled, explain to her that one of your buddies wanted to prank you so they changed the name in your phonebook and sent the messages minus your knowledge. Obviously if you are smart enough, you will not respond to these messages lest your claim of innocence is thrown out of the window, along with your chance for make-up sex.

woman-cell-phone-angryGet her riled up

  1. The Wrong name Trick

Women love to feel pampered especially around Valentine’s Day. Now listen up guys, if you are looking at your bank balance and wondering how you can get out of this one, wonder no more; I’ve got a solution for you. Buy her a little gift on Friday – a cheap gift at that. It would be nice if you bought her a flower or a little teddy bear and then you have these items delivered to her workplace or wherever she is. Make sure you have a sweet scented note added in there. Then write a name of a totally different girl inside the note. At the end of the note, add something like ‘there’s more where that came from’ or ‘I like you very much (insert random name) and I have so much to give you this Valentine’s Day’. Then sit back, relax, and wait for the volcano to erupt. You will have done a very nice thing by sending her a gift but you will have opened a Pandora ’s Box by calling her someone else’s name. It is likely she will be mad at you for a while but it also be likely she will get over it (mostly if your explanation is believable) and take you back in. You, my friend, will have survived the Valentine’s Day Madness.

NAME

Anha!

  1. The Valentines With Mama Arrangement

Women do not fear anything; they will dive head first into a fight as long as you are the prize. They will defend you and even aid and abet some of your crimes as long as you are the prize. The one thing however they are very cautious about is the area treaded upon by your mother (their mother in law). Gentlemen, it is time to play the mother card. No, silly – I don’t mean you should become mothers. Keep up! I mean, you should tell her that you plan to spend Valentine’s Day with your mother. Everyone knows Valentine’s Day is a day you spend with the people you love. While everyone will be with their partners, tell your girl that you have decided to spend this Valentine’s Day with your mother because she has been asking you for it for several months. Even if you have not spoken to your mum for weeks, make sure she is in on it. Tell her you would like to see her on Valentine’s Day so that if your girl tries to ask her mother in law, your behind is covered. The girl will probably be thinking, ‘better to have him spend his Valentine’s Day with his mother than with another random woman.’ Homerun!

valentines-day-cards-for-mom-c5hlqxghGet a nice card to go along with it

  1. The Selective Amnesia and Illness strategy

Everyone knows men have bogus memories. While statistics about men and their forgetfulness are out there flying about with no focus, take advantage and embrace these statistics. Make extravagant and detailed plans for Valentine’s Day and let her imagine that you have some grand plan for the two of you. And then go ahead and forget them. Forget every damn thing. Forget the plans, forget where you were supposed to go and even forget that it is Valentine’s Day. If you can, go ahead and even forget that you have a girlfriend. Some women are so smart they will help you remember things; setting up reminders, scribbling down things in journals and setting up memos. That too can be defeated. Wake up on Valentine’s Day and feign illness. This is what we call the injury time match winner or the buzzer shot because there are very few come-backs that can outsmart this one. Some men’s acting game is so weak that they risk shaming the entire male race by acting they are sick yet they look overly excited and extremely overjoyed. Don’t just play the part guys, be the part. To be able to execute this act, you will need to practice. Therefore between now and Saturday, start practicing. Feign a slight headache here a stomach ache there, a pain in the joints or even some fatigue. By Saturday, the disease will have escalated into fully blown surgery-demanding illness which of course will clear by the start of next week.

Dont-ForgetShe will probably leave these lying around – TRASH THEM. Then say you forgot.

Note to men and women Ladies, if you read this Blog before he reads it, make sure he does not read it lest he gets armed. And gentlemen, if you read this Blog before she does, do everything in your power to make sure she does not read it – lest you get found out. Good Luck Lovers Totally Unrelated You probably have heard this already but I will say it nonetheless. The Social Media Awards are on and as always, nominations are rolling in. I am fully aware that you people have things to do elsewhere but if you could be so kind as to nominate your favourite Blogger (who may or may not be yours truly), it would be awesome. Just go to this link and do the needful. Nominations end on 11th February … a few days to the dreaded Valentine’s Day.

“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” — Warsan Shire

Bernard a.k.a Beewol The Talkative Rocker Follow @beewol on Twitter

A Valentine Death – Part I

Humans are very emotional beings who are packed with a desire to receive and give love. February is said to be the month of love and so naturally there has got be some kind of madness going around about how and who to love. With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, there is a lot of excitement and euphoria that often sweeps over the entire human race so much that droves of people will create invisible partners and lovers just so they can get through that day in one piece.

Month of loveThe month of love is upon us

As a being unfortunate to belong to this race, I am often innocently dragged into the illusion that people actually love me. And so once or twice on Valentine’s Day I have sat there staring at my phone and wondering where everyone who actually loves me has disappeared to because the phone is ever so silent. And then it eventually hits me that they are probably busy expressing love to the people they truly love and the whole time I was only but a hidden track on the album. I often console myself with the assertion that even though I am sad, lonely, in tears and almost suicidal, it is their loss; if they can not realise all the awesomeness and greatness that I possess, then good riddance. Of course all this happens before a few friends and I hit the bar to drink off the loneliness, which usually ends in a regrettable text message to an old girlfriend who has since moved on and probably even deleted my number.

sad_face_dog_1920x120014th Feb is usually a sad day for me

Without necessary washing my stinky and soiled linen on the www, I am confident that there are lots of individuals like myself – individuals for whom Valentine’s Day brings nothing but memories of the horrid and dreadful nature of the human race; with particular reference to the opposite sex.

In the run up to this god-forsaken day known as Valentine’s Day, I have decided to rise up, stir up some dust and basically ruin Valentine’s Day for everyone around me. Am I a bitter being who has not been shown love on Valentine’s Day and has therefore turned into a sadist who wants nothing but darkness, rain and coldness on Valentine’s Day? Maybe. Do I want other people to be as angry and mad on that day as I probably will be? Definitely! For this reason, I will be doing nothing but throwing stones at lovers, pouring water over fires lit by lovers, spreading false but terrible rumours about lovers and working overtime to make sure that as many people are unhappy on that day as possible.

prickI’ll be thinking this of lovers

One might imagine that I am some kind of masochist and therefore I will be getting pleasure out of the pain and suffering of not just myself but others. That might be the case – in fact, it is likely that I love being like this. However, there is also the likelihood that I will be bitter on 14th Feb (again) because I am still single. I have no complaints about being single; heck, I love it. However, one has got to look at the bigger picture here. Men and women all over the world have dragged themselves into this otherwise botched thinking that on Valentine’s Day they are supposed to be showing each other tremendous love and doing things they do not ordinarily do like shower twice a day, wear body spray or go to fancy restaurants. Nonsense!

I say if you have been showering once a day, keep it that way even on valentine’s Day. If you have never received flowers from anyone since you were born, do not suddenly wake up and feel like your partner owes you flowers. Unless you are Kemmy (a good friend of mine who loves flowers so much she often buys herself bouquets) you have no right to start demanding flowers just because it is Valentine’s Day. Stay away from chocolates, wine and expensive dinners. There are more important things to spend money on like happy hour beer, the Besigye Book, Internet bundles and the new U2 album ‘Songs of Innocence’.

wifiFor not-so-much, you can own this

And while we are still on the subject of money, how about doing the more awesome thing and not spending money at all? It is likely the streets will be thronged with over enthusiastic lovers overdressed dressed ridiculously in Valentine’s Day related colours. How about instead of going out there to spend truckloads of money showing the semblance of love to someone you already love you instead stay in and do something more awesome? You can rewatch old episodes of Family Guy, do laundry, argue with your partner or even play scrabble. Having sex is another item you could add on the to-do list. You just might have a baby as Christmas approaches. How wonderful!

By now there are people who are reading this and wondering if I have anything nice to say about Valentine’s Day. I do. It is two weeks from pay day. That’s something nice. Also, since it will be a Saturday, quite a lot happening; there will be plenty of sporting action from all over the world. My fear is that on that day there will be many people walking to the altar and saying their vows. Getting married is suicide. Getting married on Valentine’s day is slow painful suicide with a suicide note that has poor grammar and punctuation. If it was up to me, I’d make sure that no one gets married on Valentines day. No acts of madness should be conducted on Valentines Day. The only madness that should be permitted is levelling up on Call Of Duty – Black Ops II using cheats downloaded off the internet. Other than that, nothing else should be permitted.

Call of duty

Powerful!

Next week I shall be discussing at proper length how one can ruin Valentine’s Day for another person whether it is someone you love, someone you once loved, someone who has refused to love you or someone whose throat you want to slit because they have turned down your advances time and again.

I have your backs people.

“The heart was made to be broken.” ― Oscar Wilde

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter