Delayed Rapture

For quite a long while now, Christians of the world have patiently awaited the second coming of Jesus Christ. Very many people have advanced theories about when the son of man may return but over time no one has been able to draw a circle around a date and actually get it right.

Somewhere in the Bible, there is a concept known as the rapture. Many Christian faiths are of the view that there is a time coming that shall be known as the ‘end-times’. During this time, all true and righteous believers who will still be alive at the end of the world will be taken straight from earth to heaven by God. This will happen when Jesus makes his second coming.

For reasons that have never really been figured out, Jesus’ second coming seems to be taking longer than expected. The son of man had categorically made it clear that he would return soon. So far, ‘soon’ has turned out to be longer than expected. Naturally, a few theories have been advanced to explain the delayed rapture and as always, I have my own twisted and probably wrong theory which I will share nonetheless.

I shall therefore henceforth offer my submission about why I think the rapture has been delayed and why Jesus has procrastinated about coming back to take us to see his old man upstairs.

Racism and bigotry

I was not around when the good Lord was creating the world but I am certain he did not mean for there to be racism at any one point. How and why we as human beings came up with this bogus concept that one race is more superior than the other, I will never know. What I do know though is that the Lord is not happy with this state of affairs. Once again, he is giving us the opportunity to see our mistake, repent of our ways and stop seeing people as belonging to specific colour, creed or country. One would have hoped that in 2014 since the world is more interconnected than ever before there should be less racism. But behold! It still lingers in our midst. While some people think that strides have been made in the right direction with intermarriages and all, you will be shocked to learn that there are many people who still walk around vending racist ideas and being proud about it. Unless such morons change their thinking, I am afraid, the Son of Mary and Joseph might continue procrastinating on this whole second coming thing.

Truth!

Bogus Liars, unsent messengers and false prophets

Almost everywhere you turn, there is a new church, synagogue, mosque, temple and worship place being set up. How is Jesus supposed to come back with all this confusion going on? No; seriously, how? It appears there is a religion or sect for every person who has some free time, a little inspiration and whole load of lies packaged together not to mention the desire to make money. Without necessarily pointing fingers, I wonder why and how people have the nerve to refer to themselves as ‘prophets’, ‘men and women of God’ and ‘messengers of God’ when their true lives are filled with deceit, sexual perversion, financial manipulation and abnormally loud smugness. You cannot ask your flock to lead humble lives when you are the same person living an extremely lavish lifestyle funded by the same flock you are fleecing. That right there is why Jesus has put his return on hold. As a shepherd, lose a few properties, drive a cheaper car, wear less expensive suits, have a simpler phone and maybe, just maybe the son of man might consider returning.

Leading the folk to hell!

Fake People, Pretenders and Wannabes

I cannot even begin to talk about how much these people are dragging us behind schedule in terms of the return of Jesus Christ. You see, when the Lord was among us, he lived a life of truth and openness. He never pretended to be something he was not. He could have easily been anything he wanted to be but he stuck to the things he knew best; performing miracles, confusing his disciples with brilliantly well woven parables and fighting for women’s rights (refer to John 8.) Today however, you often come across people who clearly are nothing of what they say they are. If you are not a musician, I see no reason why you should go into the studio and record a song just because you can afford it. Stay away from the studio! If you are not a good TV presenter, I see no reason why you should be the one taking us through the News Telecast just because your skin complexion is good for TV. These are the people who are making Jesus Christ stay away. And NO –I am not referring to anyone in particular … or am I?

If you ain’t it, don’t try to be it

Bathroom Selfies, nudes and sex tapes

On any given day, once you get online, there are certain things that you are bound to encounter; a host of bathroom selfies, poorly directed sex tapes and dangerously vulgar nude pictures of otherwise unpretty humans. For starters, I have no idea who invented the idea of taking pics in the bathroom but this person’s name is most probably on Jesus’ blacklist. Since the Son of man is keen on forgiveness and second chances, I believe he is giving this  individual a chance to repent of his sins and ask for forgiveness from the Lord. Nudes and sex tapes are leaking today more than ever before. It appears for anyone to have even half a career in the entertainment industry they must have some kind of audition through nudes or sex tapes. How pathetic! And what is worse is that people seem to imagine that these bathroom selfies, nudes and sex tapes are a great way to attract Likes on Facebook, Instagram and wherever else they can be shared. There is no way Jesus can return amidst this madness. We need to get our sh*t together.

For the record, I think Jesus was Black

There are so many other people who I believe have delayed the coming of Jesus Christ for instance overly loud Arsenal fans, Ugandan MPs who have no clue what they are doing, Terrorists who continue to imagine that there are virgins waiting for them in heaven as well as people who forward chain messages on whatsapp. As soon as all these people get their act together, I am confident Jesus the son of man will show up.

“The planet is fine. The people are f*cked.” ― George Carlin

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

A Bill Catalogue

In most parts of the world, the task of law making is almost exclusively left to Members of Parliament (MPs). They are the ones who decide whether something is legal or illegal and they determine whether a crime is punishable by jail time or firing squad; they basically call the shots. For the case of Uganda, the enthusiasm that MPs usually portray is nothing short of legendary. From what I hear, there are truckloads of bills waiting to be discussed in the August house. Some of these bills are bound to propel Uganda to levels of development never seen before while others will probably set us several decades back.

The Parliament – Factory of Bills

I have been puzzled by some of the bills that have crossed the floor of parliament of late. Some are strange, others ridiculous and some are just simply comical – which is okay because apparently work without play will make anyone dull (assuming they are not already certified as dull before the said work/play). Without necessary placing a finger on specific bills as being useless, I shall mention that some bills make me cringe in pain and shake my head with utmost disappointment. I do this not because I think these bills are worthless but because I feel like there are several more important things to be discussed in parliament as opposed to wasting hours discussing issues that are otherwise no-brainers. For instance, why should we bother discussing whether or not we should get involved in South Sudan yet it is clear that if we are to become a super power, we have to start by stepping on people’s toes? America did not become super power by minding their own business, did they?

Every day that passes I see people do and say things that are foul, inhumane and just plain ridiculous and MPs are just looking on, earning fat salaries and enjoying Honorable status. I therefore present a case for some crucial bills that should have seen the light of day in the Parliament. I present ‘The Bill Catalogue’.

The Hair Bill

Any man who has walked on the streets of Kampala will be in agreement with the assertion that women are slaves to their hair. Half the time a woman is looking at herself in the mirror, she is looking at the dead woman’s hair on her head – to check if it is still intact. Either that, or she is looking to see if the original owner of the hair has come from the dead to claim it. How about we regulate this hair business once and for all? I propose that it be made illegal for a woman to wear hair that does not belong to her whether in form of a weave, wig or extension. I don’t know too much about hair (mostly because I am bald) and I might not be the right person to make any such bold utterances about hair pieces. However, I know enough to conclude that those wigs, weaves and foreign hair pieces itch, they are ugly and they absolutely smell like death. True, they may look good and appear fancy, but so do peacock feathers.  I don’t see women clamoring to wear peacock feathers because they are so nice looking. My suggestion is simple: stop importing hair pieces and any woman who is found purchasing, dealing in or talking about hair pieces should be jailed for aggravating slavery to hair.

There’s no need to have an entire game reserve on your head

The Artist Bill

This one will be named after the famous title ‘upcoming artist’. You see, for a very long time, we have been tossed back and forth with the term ‘upcoming artist’ so much that it is now hard to tell whether one ever ceases to be an upcoming artist. It appears the entire music industry in Uganda is filled with upcoming artists; so much that it is hard to know who has finally come to the top. I know a number of artists who have enjoyed the title of ‘upcoming artist’ almost as long as Janet has been married to Museveni. This is somewhat unfair to the young singers who are also fighting to breathe in the same space. If you are going to be an upcoming artist, the law should dictate how long you get to enjoy this title after which you either upgrade or abandon the industry. The moment you abandon the industry, you shall be required to serve a few months in jail for attempting to obtain fame and fortune under false pretense. I know for a fact that I cannot sing. In fact, I am so terrible that when I attempt to sing in the shower I never get clean because I want to run out quickly – from myself; I am that bad. However, I have very high standards when it comes to listening to music. If someone’s music never improves with time, I will probably call them all sorts of names including fraudster, poser, wannabe and the worst of them all; a criminal!

The Male Dresscode Bill

This one is straight forward – it will define what things men should or should not wear. As much as there are many fireballs being hurled at the women for their dresscode, there is also need to clamp down on men who dress like they are in need of a sex change or mental analysis. This business of men being too fashion forward is not something that sits too well with me. As a matter of fact, if it were up to me, I would decree that men never wear any more than 3 colours at once and Orance, Pink, Green and Purple should never be one of these colours. Unless you are Denzel Mweyiritse or Urban Tv’s fashion guru Mosha, you have no right to wear any more than 3 colours at the same time. Also, certain fabrics like polyester and nylon should be made exclusively for women. In addition, this business of jeggings should be restricted to movies, magazines and shopping malls at Garden City. If you wear them anywhere else, you face jailtime. End of story!

 

Conan O’Brien looks constipated here thanks to the Jeggings. We don’t want that in Uganda.

I have about 84 other bills I would propose but seeing as I am not earning sitting allowance or getting fuel for a monster of a car, I shall stop sharing my ideas right here. That said, in case the MPs would love to consult about these and other important bills, I have no problem offering my consultancy services at a fee.

For now though, I leave you with the quote of the week …

We all know what Parliament is, and we are all ashamed of it. – Robert Louis Stevenson

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Follow @beewol on Twitter

Who/what is an MP?

First of all, an MP is a person, not a thing. So that pretty much answers one of the two questions. Secondly, this blog is about MP as in Member of Parliament not menstruation period, menopause, military police, mad people, male protagonist, Melrose place or Moneypenny that secretary from the James Bond novels and films. So that should clear half the air. Now, as for who exactly an MP is; patience my friend, patience.

Internalizing and appreciating the duty and role of an MP in Uganda is something that is dependent on a number of things. If you are in the opposition or if you do not sympathize with the current Government, you are likely to imagine that the role of an MP is to shoot down whatever Government plans there are, no matter how beneficial they may be. If you are a member of the party with the most (s)eats in Parliament and therefore belong to the ruling party, you will expect that an MP should support Government programs no matter how ridiculous or retarded.

So then how does one become an MP?

Very good question right there. You see, no one is born an MP so this essentially means you have to claw your way into that position. Unless you are Suzan Nampijja or Proscovia Alengot Oromait whose parents seem to have passed on the MP genes, you will most likely have to start from the bottom and claw your way to the top just like everyone else. Oh wait, you could actually be the partner of a wife or husband of a well positioned person, like the president. Here you definitely have an all access pass and you could even be a lot more than just an MP, you could be a Minister. But that is only if you are lucky.

The royal baby is born into Royalty. No one is born as an MP.

As you try to claw your way to the top, you might need to take a few loans, sling some mud here and there, fake a few academic papers or even see a witchdoctor or two. Becoming an MP is no simple task. Having said that, one must take courage in the fact that as long as one has ever had a leadership role in life, one can easily become an MP. Even if all you did was lead your own life, you my friend are a leader and you have a shot. All you have to do is make sure that by the time of the elections, you have your guns blazing and you are ready for the battle.

What does an MP actually do?

In Uganda, an MP has quite a lot of work to do. After winning an election, you are literally thrust into a world of duty and responsibility, most of which you did not expect or anticipate. Many of the roles you will be called upon to execute might be outside of your job description but you do them anyway, it is what is generally expected of you. You might be called upon by people in your constituency to construct a road or build a bridge even though there are particular people who should be doing this. Every so often you will be required to be the Guest of Honour by virtue of your proximity to the highest leadership office in the land. If you attend an event and there is a person who is of higher ranking in terms of the leadership ladder, there is no chance you will be the Guest of Honour. You will however get a better seat than most and you will be served fresh cold drinks like an important person should be.

There are other roles you are required to play for instance deliberating in the August house. NO my friend – the August House is not a house that is set up or established in the month of August. Neither is it a house owned by someone called August. The August House is the Parliament. This is the place where you and 374 other LUCKY people shall gather whenever there are burning issues to be discussed for instance Oil, appointment of Ministers or the Gay Bill. Occasionally you might be advanced 5 million shillings to vote in favor or disfavor of a certain bill; worry not. This is part of your role. All you need to know is that there are sides that have to be taken when you get into the August house. You will either be an opposition MP or an MP who (s)eats with the ruling Government. You could opt to be an independent MP and this does not mean you are free of influence from a political party. It is just a title, albeit an almost meaningless one.

OK so an MP is an important person, right?

Well, technically an MP is an important person because they will be referred to as Honourable MP. This however should not get to your head because every once in a while, even as an MP, your opinion will be ignored as certain bills are passed. Obviously you will have been consulted but since you are among the few who are not in support of the bill your opinion will be regarded somewhat null and void. Sometimes you might find yourself doing some drastic things to see that your opinion is taken into consideration. For instance, like Mawokota South MP Joseph Kiyingi Bbosa ‘Baby Face’, you might need to go on a hunger strike to protest government failure to increase salaries of teachers. This however is no guarantee that your demands will be met because like I mentioned earlier, there are 374 other colleagues of yours and if each person’s opinion is to be looked into, we will take forever to get things done. So, keep calm and wait in line; your turn to throw a tantrum is around the corner.

So then, how do I benefit from this seemingly stressful role?

For starters, you have a fairly healthy salary waiting at the end of each month. On average, you will earn no less than a whooping sh22m in salary and allowances; and this by the way is after taxes. If this does not whet your appetite then the various unsecured loans you can access will probably excite you. If this does not excite you as well, how about the fact that you will have plenty of trips around the world just because you are an MP; surely this should make you smile. There’s more by the way; you will occasionally be offered some monies here and there to front certain causes and to vote for or against certain ideas. If this does not interest you as well, then look here my friend, you just have very high expectations. Maybe you should be president or something! But then again, one of the ways you will get closer to the presidency is if you start small; being an MP is starting small. Not that being an MP is a small thing but you know, compared to being president, an MP is a little too small. I am told some MPs have even never shaken the President’s hand – that’s how small the position can be. But hey, you are not there to shake the president’s hand so that shouldn’t bother you one single bit. You are there to legislate and represent your people.

If you play your cards well, you can enjoy numerous trips to this place, of course paid for by the Government

Represent people? What people?

Ok before we even proceed, let’s get one thing straight. It is the people who send you to parliament. No; they do not wake you up in the morning and tell you to go the Parliament but they vote you in thus giving you the green light to represent them. It is entirely up to you to actually represent them adequately or simply show up in Parliament, head for the back bench, take off your shoes and enjoy your afternoon nap as the rest of the Honourables make noise and exchange harsh words and threats.  If your constituents are not as keen to follow your participation in the August house, you could even spend the entire 5 years doing nothing but showing up for sessions and signing for your salary and allowances. It can be that simple. The only worry is that sometimes the local papers tend to get so nosy and publish lists of MPs who are inactive. This should not bother you though because you are only answerable to your constituents and if they are not asking any questions, there will be no need for answers. You are safe.

You will bump into Agnes Nandutu quite a lot. She will be reporting from around your work place

So when can one plan to become an MP? 

2016! Preparations start right here, right now. And you can have me on your campaign team if you can promise me something substantial. Don’t look at me like that. People plan these things in advance.

Prepare for ‘Operation become an MP’

In the meantime, here is your weekly piece of inspiration;

Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Have a wonderful week friends.

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker