A Bill Catalogue

In most parts of the world, the task of law making is almost exclusively left to Members of Parliament (MPs). They are the ones who decide whether something is legal or illegal and they determine whether a crime is punishable by jail time or firing squad; they basically call the shots. For the case of Uganda, the enthusiasm that MPs usually portray is nothing short of legendary. From what I hear, there are truckloads of bills waiting to be discussed in the August house. Some of these bills are bound to propel Uganda to levels of development never seen before while others will probably set us several decades back.

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The Parliament – Factory of Bills

I have been puzzled by some of the bills that have crossed the floor of parliament of late. Some are strange, others ridiculous and some are just simply comical – which is okay because apparently work without play will make anyone dull (assuming they are not already certified as dull before the said work/play). Without necessary placing a finger on specific bills as being useless, I shall mention that some bills make me cringe in pain and shake my head with utmost disappointment. I do this not because I think these bills are worthless but because I feel like there are several more important things to be discussed in parliament as opposed to wasting hours discussing issues that are otherwise no-brainers. For instance, why should we bother discussing whether or not we should get involved in South Sudan yet it is clear that if we are to become a super power, we have to start by stepping on people’s toes? America did not become super power by minding their own business, did they?

Every day that passes I see people do and say things that are foul, inhumane and just plain ridiculous and MPs are just looking on, earning fat salaries and enjoying Honorable status. I therefore present a case for some crucial bills that should have seen the light of day in the Parliament. I present ‘The Bill Catalogue’.

The Hair Bill

Any man who has walked on the streets of Kampala will be in agreement with the assertion that women are slaves to their hair. Half the time a woman is looking at herself in the mirror, she is looking at the dead woman’s hair on her head – to check if it is still intact. Either that, or she is looking to see if the original owner of the hair has come from the dead to claim it. How about we regulate this hair business once and for all? I propose that it be made illegal for a woman to wear hair that does not belong to her whether in form of a weave, wig or extension. I don’t know too much about hair (mostly because I am bald) and I might not be the right person to make any such bold utterances about hair pieces. However, I know enough to conclude that those wigs, weaves and foreign hair pieces itch, they are ugly and they absolutely smell like death. True, they may look good and appear fancy, but so do peacock feathers.  I don’t see women clamoring to wear peacock feathers because they are so nice looking. My suggestion is simple: stop importing hair pieces and any woman who is found purchasing, dealing in or talking about hair pieces should be jailed for aggravating slavery to hair.

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There’s no need to have an entire game reserve on your head

The Artist Bill

This one will be named after the famous title ‘upcoming artist’. You see, for a very long time, we have been tossed back and forth with the term ‘upcoming artist’ so much that it is now hard to tell whether one ever ceases to be an upcoming artist. It appears the entire music industry in Uganda is filled with upcoming artists; so much that it is hard to know who has finally come to the top. I know a number of artists who have enjoyed the title of ‘upcoming artist’ almost as long as Janet has been married to Museveni. This is somewhat unfair to the young singers who are also fighting to breathe in the same space. If you are going to be an upcoming artist, the law should dictate how long you get to enjoy this title after which you either upgrade or abandon the industry. The moment you abandon the industry, you shall be required to serve a few months in jail for attempting to obtain fame and fortune under false pretense. I know for a fact that I cannot sing. In fact, I am so terrible that when I attempt to sing in the shower I never get clean because I want to run out quickly – from myself; I am that bad. However, I have very high standards when it comes to listening to music. If someone’s music never improves with time, I will probably call them all sorts of names including fraudster, poser, wannabe and the worst of them all; a criminal!

The Male Dresscode Bill

This one is straight forward – it will define what things men should or should not wear. As much as there are many fireballs being hurled at the women for their dresscode, there is also need to clamp down on men who dress like they are in need of a sex change or mental analysis. This business of men being too fashion forward is not something that sits too well with me. As a matter of fact, if it were up to me, I would decree that men never wear any more than 3 colours at once and Orance, Pink, Green and Purple should never be one of these colours. Unless you are Denzel Mweyiritse or Urban Tv’s fashion guru Mosha, you have no right to wear any more than 3 colours at the same time. Also, certain fabrics like polyester and nylon should be made exclusively for women. In addition, this business of jeggings should be restricted to movies, magazines and shopping malls at Garden City. If you wear them anywhere else, you face jailtime. End of story!

Conan

 

Conan O’Brien looks constipated here thanks to the Jeggings. We don’t want that in Uganda.

I have about 84 other bills I would propose but seeing as I am not earning sitting allowance or getting fuel for a monster of a car, I shall stop sharing my ideas right here. That said, in case the MPs would love to consult about these and other important bills, I have no problem offering my consultancy services at a fee.

For now though, I leave you with the quote of the week …

We all know what Parliament is, and we are all ashamed of it. – Robert Louis Stevenson

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Follow @beewol on Twitter

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8 thoughts on “A Bill Catalogue

  1. You are heartless. Women and fake hair are inseparable. We don’t want another boob flashing demonstration. That said upcoming artistes should be discussed in parliament. MPs should do it on their IPads since the fancy gadgets have been useless lately.

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