Lentism

If you open the pages of any legitimate version of an English Dictionary, it is unlikely that you will find the word ‘lentism’. In fact, even if you typed the word ‘Lentism’ into Google and hit the ‘search’ button, it will humbly ask whether you meant leninism, kantism, lookism or lentils. Ignore both avenues; we are creating the word right here right now.

Allow me explain to you how and why this word is going to be introduced into our vocabulary.

But what is lent anyway?

Let us take it from the top then, shall we?

A good chunk of Christian churches are currently marking what is known as ‘lent’. According to wikipedia Lent is a solemn religious observance in the liturgical calendar of many Christian denominations that begins on Ash Wednesday and covers a period of approximately six weeks before Easter Sunday. Still, according to Wikipedia, the traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer through prayer, penance, repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement and self-denial.

Onto the Lentism

Now that we have fair understanding of what lent is, we can now graduate to the gist of this Blog Post. What the hell is lentism?

Lentism is the practice of curving out some kind of association with the 40-day Christian period of fasting with the intention of convincing oneself and all those around one that the association makes one a better person, a finer Christian and it brings one closer to right hand of the God.

Now before any Christian can start hurling stones at me and calling for my head on a platter, I shall proceed to turn on the switch on a few more floodlights.

You see, for the period I have been a Christian (which happens to be my entire life so far) I have learnt a few things about this wonderful faith of mine. One of the more prominent lessons I have learnt is that when it comes to fasting, fewer people are willing to do it in silence – the vast majority want to be seen and heard to be fasting. Fasting is primarily an act of willing abstinence or reduction from certain or all food, drink, or both, for a period of time. And this somewhat makes me wonder why people have to walk around with placards on their faces saying ‘Look here, I fasted.’

We are too loud 

For starters, if you have to tell everyone that you are fasting, then maybe you need to re-think your reasosn for fasting. You may as well go out of your way and wear a t-shirt with the words “Fasting to Impress” so we know you are serious. And while still on the subject of fasting, if I call you up to go hang out with me and you say your reason for not hanging with me is because you are fasting, then I think you are missing the point. A number of holy books will explain that if you are fasting, wash your face, look decent and smile at those around you. There is no need to go around drumming up attention to the fact that you are going a few hours without a drink. Unless I ask for a reason, I see no need to volunteer one.

We are just pathetic

It’s already been mentioned elsewhere but I will mention it nonetheless; fasting is no excuse to leave your house looking like a thug and smelling like a he-goat. Take a shower, wash your face, spray some deodorant and look as decent as you would if you were heading for a six-course meal. Just because you are fasting does not mean you should look starved, emaciated and dejected. Wear a smile. After all, the fasting (from what I gather) is between you and your God. True, the people around you will give you the re-assurance that you are not in the fast alone but at the end of the day you must remember that some human beings are as interested in your fasting details as the President is in the plight of Single men who have failed to get married.

The Hypocrites

I have tried as much as possible to stay away from Lentism because I get the feeling the Lord will punish me rather harshly if I pretend. Some people do not give a rat’s ass. I do know a number of people who have curved out personalities from being known as folks who fast religiously yet they indulge in the most evil of things. Some of these people claim to be fasting from morning to evening but somewhere along the way they indulge in the most unhealthy of foods while doing the strangest things known to man – all because no one is watching them. The trouble with these people is that they have the assumption that as long as the people around you see you fasting, you are good to go.

As much as I am not the most ideal Christian to look at in terms of faith, I will most likely fast when I am serious about it. Unless there is reason for someone to fast, they should never just get into the act of fasting. Also, if you are going to fast because you want to impress a certain lady somewhere, remind yourself of certatin truths about humanity. We often lead lives we do not appreciate just to impress people we barely even know.

So while we take time to map out the possibility of staying alive through this lent season, let us attempt to stay away from Lentism. There is a chance that a few of us shall actually lose the plot and go all out being radical and all but at the back of our minds we should never forget the true essence of fasting which is going absolutely hungry to the point that you hate anyone who says anything about food or eating for that matter.

Other things too

Oh by the way, is staying away from sex regarded fasting? If Yes, then a few people are going to have to repent extensively and repeatitively. If No, then a few others have been lying to themselves quite a lot. Once again, I cannot and will not claim to be an expert at fasting but I will say that maybe the Good Lord should make things a little clearer for us. Is fasting just about not eating your favourite foods or is it about completely staying away from anything edible? A little more clarity on the issue.

One last thing – we are several days into the fasting period; can we get some kind of down payment on the rewards? Some of us may not last the entire period.

“Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic’s spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal.”
― Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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To My Unborn Boy

Listen little fella, this is your father writing to you. You are not yet born and we are not yet sure who your mother will be but I am writing to you anyway. Don’t ask why I am not sure who your mother will be; I am still single and the last time I checked it takes two to make a baby. Also, your mother has not yet unveiled herself; if she has, I am too busy being awesome to notice. But hey, let us not lose focus here. You are the subject of this letter; not me.

Baby-Shoes

So then, shall we focus on my intention of writing this letter to you?

Good.

You see, little man, when you enter this world, you are flung into a ruthless and merciless world that will not give you a chance to steal even half a breath without making you pay dearly. Every step you make and every move you make will lead you to a certain point in your life which many people like to call destiny. Walk the right path my boy and make sure you have fewer regrets than satisfaction.

Am I sounding overly sanctimonious? Relax. I will make things easier for you.

Let me give you some insight into a few things I want you to learn from no one but your dad.

The other sex and their things

Women are a very vital part of your life. Your mother, sisters, daughters and aunties will all be female so you should make an attempt to reason with them. They will intentionally hurt you to get your attention; never lose your mind over them – it is how they are wired. Make them happy and you will be the happiest man alive. Rub them the wrong way and you may as well kiss happiness goodbye. Never attempt to get into an argument with women. You’d be more likely (and safer) to bump into a live fire breathing dragon on Kampala Road than to try winning an argument against a female. When she asks you one thing, be sure she means something else. A good chunk of their questions are actually rhetorical so try as much as possible to avoid being a smartass with them. “Do I look good in this?”, “Am I fat?”, “Do you love me?”, “Will you take me shopping?”, “Do you like my new hair?”, “Is the devil female?”; all these are questions with answers already written in stone. Never attempt to be creative and come up with your own answers otherwise that will be your demise right there.

understanding-women

End of the world things

Young man, in my time, we were threatened with the end of the world more times than I can remember. One thing is for certain, as long as you live a life worth remembering, you should never have to worry about the end of the world. Never fall for this end-of-the-world business my boy. If there is anything we as human beings have learned, it is that when someone dies, that is the end of their world. The rest of humanity carries on, often with an indifference that will make you wonder why we even worry about other people’s lives. Just make sure that the people around you are happy with the life you are living and the rest shall be okay. Oh and one other thing – if there is any religion or cult that sets a specific date as the possible end of the world, walk up to their leader and kick him in the nuts – I give you permission. It is mostly men who want to brainwash human beings with ludicrous and bogus ideas of the world’s end so beware who you listen to. Read the Bible, the Quran, the Bhagavad Ghita and whatever other Holy Book you can come across because I have learnt that the best way to indulge in any argument or discussion is to be immensely informed and well read.

young-entrepreneurs-changing-the-worldWhen you die, your world stop spinning. Period!

Money and career things

You will have probably heard this a billion times already but I will say it anyway, ‘Money is the root of all evil’ okay not all evil but most evil. As long as you let your life be ruled by money, you are bound to sell your soul to worthless and often inhumane causes. Make sure that you pursue a career that makes you happy while enabling you put food on the table. You don’t want your pretty wife and awesome kids starving now do you? Never ever get into any career solely because of the money. You will get consumed by it and you will end up forgetting who you really are. Stay true to yourself and pursue your personal dreams before thinking of money. I can guarantee that if you pursue your dreams with seriousness and focus, you will get shitloads of money you will not even know what to do with it. And if that ever happens, start a charity in my name. That’s right – not your name but mine. I am your father and I have dictated it. Fathers are always right! Yes – tell that to your son too.

capitalismThe love of money is the root of all evil

Heritage and Cultural Things

Every decade that passes, culture and heritage receive a blow below the belt from that thing called change. Try as much as possible to stay in touch with your cultural values and never forget your identity. Part of the reason why Africa as a continent is culturally wealthy is because of people like your grandfather, my dad, who swore never to abandon their culture no matter how useless or meaningless it appeared. Your granddad often dragged me to cultural events just so I could appreciate the African culture and heritage a little more. I might have been stubborn once or twice but overall, I now see why he felt like I needed the orientation. Way before I met your mother, when I was much younger, we often went to the countryside to see the old folks. We were involved in pompous and extravagant ceremonies complete with brew, food, song and dance all locally engineered. Make sure you get a wife who understands the value of culture and heritage so that she does not name my grandchildren something silly like Phone, Modem or Bandwidth. Young man, I want traditional names.

AwesomeDon’t these little ones look cute?

God knows I could go on and on but I’ll stop here because I know people of your time will not be too keen to read. So there; go on and live.

“It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.” ― John Guare, Landscape of the Body

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Liberating Thoughts

Very many years ago, a group of well-intentioned and fine purposed Ugandans left their day jobs (or whatever they were doing) and decided to rise up against the order of things. Between February 6th 1981 and January 25th 1986 these individuals were involved in what we now call the Ugandan Liberation War.

Many years after the liberation, one would assume that we as Ugandans have enjoyed substantial freedom and liberty but Alas!! A good number of us are still bound and probably still need liberation.

Before anyone can place a phone call to General Edward Kalekezi Kayihura to come pick me up for insinuating that the liberation war was a waste of time, allow me explain myself. You see, until everyone is liberated, no one is liberated. For this reason, I shall go ahead to mention a some groups of people who I think need some kind of liberation.

Traffic Policemen from the white mischief

Once upon a time, our traffic policemen had no business worrying about what they look like or how they dress. They simply woke up in the morning, washed their faces and hit the streets to start directing (or misdirecting) traffic. Life was pretty simple. Then there was this thing called CHOGM. It changed the way cops carry themselves around. The introduction of the white uniform is something that has bound these cops for several years now. Gone are the days when a cop would wear his uniform for an entire week and not worry about having to wash it. White uniforms are not only sent from hell but they also seem like Satan’s outfit. Cops need to be free to go days without washing. They need to be free to use water and soap sparingly. I call upon responsible authorities to start the liberation of the cops now.

Ali

This is Sadia Alli, a traffic officer at Kabalagala

The Youth from themselves

The Youth of today are a force unlike any other. We are powerful, noisy, intrusive, and meddlesome and have the worst communication skills. Not many of our kind are interested in writing full sentences or speaking correct English. What is the use of writing full sentences when one can simply use shorthand to communicate with the world? After all, we need to save up on letters because it seems apparent that someday the alphabet will get used up and we shall have nothing left to use. So yes; save up on the letters. What a load of animal droppings! We have decided to become so pathetic, so much that the statement ‘we are the leaders of tomorrow’ has been drowned by ‘we are our own worst enemy’. Someone needs to sit down and map out a proper liberation plan that will free us of ourselves because as it is right now, we are safely chained to a post that we have very carefully crafted on our own.

yoloSay it AGAIN!! 

People from their friends

Friendship is a very good thing. In fact, friendship just might be more awesome than that other bogus feeling called sexual attraction. Friendship is the universe’s way of showing you that you are not an island and therefore operate in tandem with others of your race. However, human beings have forever continued to misuse and abuse this otherwise sacred institution of friendship so much that it is now hard to tell who a true friend is. Every now and again you will meet a human being doing wrong things, not because they are not aware but because their ‘friends’ suggested these things. Groupies are turning out to be the greatest sources of wrong and often dangerous advice so much that they need to be disbanded. When lovers are going through a rough patch, the friends on either side are usually quick to cash in and dump whatever bogus advice they have picked up along their own miserable lives onto the two innocent lovers. The result is usually an increase in divorce and break-ups simply because people are busy listening to their friends and not to their own hearts. We each need to be liberated from ‘friends’ who could easily lead to our destruction.

Back stabbingBack stabbing is the order of the day

The Human Race from Faith Based extremism

This might be a little too much to ask for but wouldn’t it be nice if human beings did not practice all these extremities that come with following certain faiths? I know for a fact that there is no legitimate faith that will condone killing innocent people or rubbishing another faith in the name of advancing its own principles. True, it may suggest that one spreads the word with more vigour but it will not recommend that one ends another’s life just because they do not agree with them. I think human beings need to stop killing each other in the name of the faith they subscribe to. If I do not agree with your opinion or faith, surely that should not be reason for you to end my life. Besides, when you end my life, what chance do you have of converting me to your wonderful faith? We need to be liberated from the chains that bind us and refuse us to listen to people of aberrant belief.

TerrorismThis is the truth!

I am no expert at liberation. In fact, I am bound to, and by so many things that I think I need to see a liberation shrink. However, I also know that if there is to be any liberation for me or anyone of my race, the first thing is for us to admit that we are bound. Only then shall we begin to think of ways to curve a path out of this bondage.

“Those who do not move, do not notice their chains.” ― Rosa Luxemburg

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Census Notes

While people in other parts of the world were going on with their boring and event-less lives, Ugandans for the past several days have been witnessing an interesting event known as the National Census. Now if you skipped Civics and Social Studies lessons back in Primary, you might not know what exactly this census was/is. If you are familiar with the Bible, you probably will remember the census from the book of Numbers and also around the time of Jesus’ birth. However, to make things less obscure for you, I shall help you understand the census.

The National Census was an event that involved counting all people within Uganda’s borders and it was conducted by strangely dressed Government representatives who moved from one place to another skipping over puddles, going through alleys and navigating their way from one village to another. I was not counted for reasons I am yet to find out but it is safe to say that most of the people I know were counted.

museveni1

No, Mr President; I haven’t been counted. 

I happen to personally know 3 people who played the role of enumerator and prior to the enumeration; I had asked them to take notes as they went about their census dealings. The plan was to share these findings with the awesome readers of this Blog. Last night they shared their notes with me and I am more than glad to share them with you. I must warn you though that there are some really bizarre findings.

Pauline in Rukungiri

Pauline did her enumeration somewhere in Western Uganda – Rukungiri District to be exact. Some of the homes she approached were not too enthusiastic about the census in the first place. One man feared that the counting was because the Government was planning to engage in a war and therefore needed to know how many casualties it would have to deal with. Another was worried that the NRM Gov’t was leaving power soon and needed to know for sure the economic situation of the people it was leaving behind. One of the families welcomed Pauline rather well, then each of the members laid hands on her – for exorcism. Apparently an evil demon had possessed the Gov’t and was consequently spreading around through the enumerators. One of the homes had a single father who kept grinning at Pauline the whole time she was asking questions. The guy later confessed that he was thankful to God for finally answering his prayer for a new mother to his two sons, and the Lord had done it through the Gov’t; Pauline was about to become a new mother and wife.

VisionHeading out to enumerate crazy Ugandans 

Julius in Banda

Julius did his enumeration in Kampala where it would be expected that the majority of the people were educated, informed and less prone to having strange assumptions. But Alas! People in Kampala were no strangers to weird assumptions and as Julius revealed, some of them were really ridiculous. Somewhere in Banda, a family locked all their doors and windows when Julius was spotted approaching. The old man of the home was not interested in revealing his family’s possessions to a Gov’t that was ‘in the hands of thieves’. Apparently there is so much corruption going on that the Gov’t has run out of money to steal and is therefore now embarking on stealing people’s property. Before this can be done though, the Gov’t but must first find out which citizens are worth robbing. Another person (still in Banda) was short of hurling stones at Julius. This person (who was later restrained by neighbours) was positive that his ex-wife had orchestrated the whole thing. Apparently after their divorce, the ex-wife did not get as much property as she had wanted and therefore sent this random enumerator to help her fight the battle. Just when I thought this was probably bizarre, Julius shared a story of a household somewhere in Kyambogo where the father insisted that his daughters would not be counted. In his opinion, if the girls are to fetch proper bride price in the future, they ought to be hidden away from the public so they can blossom. Julius was part of the public and had to be warded off at all costs.

dog

And then some families deployed angry dogs

Monica in Nebbi

Monica’s enumeration was somewhere in West Nile Region in Nebbi District. Monica encountered a number of problems including one of the homes not wanting her to leave because they felt that finally the Gov’t had remembered them and they were not going to let Monica leave until their problems of water, the fallen electricity pole and too many witch doctors were answered. Monica was therefore held captive for a little while until a few phonecalls and 1 or 2 cops later she was allowed to go. In one of the villages, Monica was received with what seemed like a real party. Everyone was dressed in what might have easily been their best clothes and the mother was particularly full of smiles. After a heavy and sumptuous meal, Monica got down to asking the questions – at which point everyone appeared shocked. They did not expect this pretty woman named Monica to start asking questions when she had been sent by the Lord to offer them salvation. Yes;  they thought Monica had been sent by the Lord himself. Turns out the father had had a dream about God sending an Angel; Monica and she was supposed to deliver the family from the apathy they had been languishing in for a while.

Yusuf in Nakasongola

Yusuf did his enumeration somewhere near the shores of Lake Kyoga, in a district called Nakasongola.  In a village called Galiraya, which is greatly a fishing community, most of the people’s assumptions were based around their favourite activity – fishing. In one of the homes, Yusufnwas asked about the contents of the bag he was carrying. Apparently the village had been told that Gov’t officials were coming to deliver wonderful fishing nets and it seemed like Yusuf had been sent to do just that. They even went ahead to state the problems they were facing with the fishing, right from the fewer varieties of fish to the overfishing by certain people in the village. In one of the villages, it became apparent that Yusuf had been sent by the Gov’t to settle a feud that had existed for several months. Both families felt they had rights to fish in a certain area of the lake. Yusuf did settle the feud but with more than just a chuckle being held back. One of the funniest stories in Yusuf’s notes was of a woman and her two sons who had religious reasoning behind refusal to be counted. Apparently they belonged to a sect that was totally against this census. Their gospel preached that the census would be conducted by the devil himself and therefore Yusuf was seen as Lucifer in the form of a strong, sturdy and well built man.

run away

And then they ran away from Lucifer

Reading through the notes from my enumerator friends, I can safely say that certain Ugandans are not just hilarious people but people with minds that are strangely creative. And while this blog post might seem to state that Ugandans are crazy people (which we are), one must not forget that these were but a few cases of people with bizarre assumptions about the census. The vast majority who were far from crazy, simply welcomed the enumerators, answered their questions, and went on with their lives – and so must you, after reading this Blog Post.

Winnie

My friend Winnie in Kiwatule even treated her enumerator guest to juice

“The true test of civilization is, not the census, nor the size of the cities, nor the crops, but the kind of man that the country turns out.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

Delayed Rapture

For quite a long while now, Christians of the world have patiently awaited the second coming of Jesus Christ. Very many people have advanced theories about when the son of man may return but over time no one has been able to draw a circle around a date and actually get it right.

Somewhere in the Bible, there is a concept known as the rapture. Many Christian faiths are of the view that there is a time coming that shall be known as the ‘end-times’. During this time, all true and righteous believers who will still be alive at the end of the world will be taken straight from earth to heaven by God. This will happen when Jesus makes his second coming.

For reasons that have never really been figured out, Jesus’ second coming seems to be taking longer than expected. The son of man had categorically made it clear that he would return soon. So far, ‘soon’ has turned out to be longer than expected. Naturally, a few theories have been advanced to explain the delayed rapture and as always, I have my own twisted and probably wrong theory which I will share nonetheless.

I shall therefore henceforth offer my submission about why I think the rapture has been delayed and why Jesus has procrastinated about coming back to take us to see his old man upstairs.

Racism and bigotry

I was not around when the good Lord was creating the world but I am certain he did not mean for there to be racism at any one point. How and why we as human beings came up with this bogus concept that one race is more superior than the other, I will never know. What I do know though is that the Lord is not happy with this state of affairs. Once again, he is giving us the opportunity to see our mistake, repent of our ways and stop seeing people as belonging to specific colour, creed or country. One would have hoped that in 2014 since the world is more interconnected than ever before there should be less racism. But behold! It still lingers in our midst. While some people think that strides have been made in the right direction with intermarriages and all, you will be shocked to learn that there are many people who still walk around vending racist ideas and being proud about it. Unless such morons change their thinking, I am afraid, the Son of Mary and Joseph might continue procrastinating on this whole second coming thing.

Racism-is-wrong

Truth!

Bogus Liars, unsent messengers and false prophets

Almost everywhere you turn, there is a new church, synagogue, mosque, temple and worship place being set up. How is Jesus supposed to come back with all this confusion going on? No; seriously, how? It appears there is a religion or sect for every person who has some free time, a little inspiration and whole load of lies packaged together not to mention the desire to make money. Without necessarily pointing fingers, I wonder why and how people have the nerve to refer to themselves as ‘prophets’, ‘men and women of God’ and ‘messengers of God’ when their true lives are filled with deceit, sexual perversion, financial manipulation and abnormally loud smugness. You cannot ask your flock to lead humble lives when you are the same person living an extremely lavish lifestyle funded by the same flock you are fleecing. That right there is why Jesus has put his return on hold. As a shepherd, lose a few properties, drive a cheaper car, wear less expensive suits, have a simpler phone and maybe, just maybe the son of man might consider returning.

False

Leading the folk to hell!

Fake People, Pretenders and Wannabes

I cannot even begin to talk about how much these people are dragging us behind schedule in terms of the return of Jesus Christ. You see, when the Lord was among us, he lived a life of truth and openness. He never pretended to be something he was not. He could have easily been anything he wanted to be but he stuck to the things he knew best; performing miracles, confusing his disciples with brilliantly well woven parables and fighting for women’s rights (refer to John 8.) Today however, you often come across people who clearly are nothing of what they say they are. If you are not a musician, I see no reason why you should go into the studio and record a song just because you can afford it. Stay away from the studio! If you are not a good TV presenter, I see no reason why you should be the one taking us through the News Telecast just because your skin complexion is good for TV. These are the people who are making Jesus Christ stay away. And NO –I am not referring to anyone in particular … or am I?

Pretenders

If you ain’t it, don’t try to be it

Bathroom Selfies, nudes and sex tapes

On any given day, once you get online, there are certain things that you are bound to encounter; a host of bathroom selfies, poorly directed sex tapes and dangerously vulgar nude pictures of otherwise unpretty humans. For starters, I have no idea who invented the idea of taking pics in the bathroom but this person’s name is most probably on Jesus’ blacklist. Since the Son of man is keen on forgiveness and second chances, I believe he is giving this  individual a chance to repent of his sins and ask for forgiveness from the Lord. Nudes and sex tapes are leaking today more than ever before. It appears for anyone to have even half a career in the entertainment industry they must have some kind of audition through nudes or sex tapes. How pathetic! And what is worse is that people seem to imagine that these bathroom selfies, nudes and sex tapes are a great way to attract Likes on Facebook, Instagram and wherever else they can be shared. There is no way Jesus can return amidst this madness. We need to get our sh*t together.

JesusFor the record, I think Jesus was Black

There are so many other people who I believe have delayed the coming of Jesus Christ for instance overly loud Arsenal fans, Ugandan MPs who have no clue what they are doing, Terrorists who continue to imagine that there are virgins waiting for them in heaven as well as people who forward chain messages on whatsapp. As soon as all these people get their act together, I am confident Jesus the son of man will show up.

“The planet is fine. The people are f*cked.” ― George Carlin

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter