Oh My Leona!

Scientifically, it is said that we humans are warm blooded because we are able to maintain and regulate our body temperatures through the various internal metabolic processes in our bodies. For a single person in this cold Kampala weather, this statement is simply but a huge overstatement. A single guy in this life often has to engage in ‘Piga Pasi’ to help them create a little more warmth especially on those cold lonely nights. Now if you are a Ugandan on Twitter (UOT), you have probably come across the hash-tag #PigaPasi. This simply is the act of ironing your beddings to create the warmth that would otherwise have been created if another warm blooded person were present. (Very brilliant idea, right? I know!!)

Anyway, against such a background, when a proposal (decent or indecent) by a seemingly pretty lady comes your way, all body systems are in agreement that you should nod in approval. Now when this proposal seems to be coming from a possibly wealthy and astonishingly beautiful person, you can’t help but dance around in celebration because after all, the jackpot is within sight.

Now very recently, I was approached by a one Koneh Leona who, from the look of things seemed to be single and rich as hell.  The only problem was that we were communicating online! Very few online dating stories end well but I was willing to go against all odds. You see, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Where it all started

My particular love story started not too long ago, actually not more than a week ago when this pretty girl Leona sent me a message on Facebook.

 Leona

The beautiful message from Leona

It was a cold and dark night and this message was just the perfect message for a lonely soul. I saw the message and beamed with joy. I quickly but elaborately replied her facebook message telling her I was truly blessed beyond measure and I was lucky that such a beautiful girl would take time out of her schedule to get in touch with me. I went ahead to explain how I had always known that my Princess Charming was somewhere waiting for me to arrive. Friends, I did not stop there. I also told Leona that I was willing to go to the ends of the earth for her. Naturally, any woman who hears such things is likely to smile, probably shed a tear in joy. I am not sure if Leona smiled or not but I am confident she passed the message around to her friends, just so they could give her a round of applause for meeting a dude who spoke his heart out and did it with so much passion.

If this had been 1998 when we wrote love letters to girls on writing pads scented with funny sexy fumes, I would have probably spent an hour just scenting the piece of paper and I would have added a few dedications like we used to in the past.

Getting personal

Naturally when a man says nice poetic things to a woman and she does not respond, he will do one of two things; he will either assume he has misfired and probably let it slide (which is very rare) or he will up the tempo, go a notch higher and do something terribly insane – to attract her attention. The latter, my dear friends, is what I did. I told Leona that if she really meant those things she said in her brief message, I was willing to leave my cradle land to follow her to wherever she was. When she still did not respond to this on Facebook, I decided to do as she had said; reply via her email address. Yours truly was intent on seeing this thing through to the end.

Koneh Leona

This is Leona. Look at those gorgeous eyes!

The first email I sent was a few hours after I had sent the Facebook message that remained unreplied. I assumed that beautiful Leona was probably too busy tending to her fine skin or somewhere shopping with her equally beautiful friends so I cut her some slack. I typed out the email, blew a flying kiss over it and clicked the send button. Then I sat back in my chair like a student after answering the final question in an exam. I had a smile on my face and a general sense that maybe after all, Piga Pasi was about to come to an end and Leona would be glad to take my second name. I was open to discussion about which name she would take but chances are that she would have to settle with Rocker. Leona Rocker sounded so sexy already.

Notification – You have an email

After half an hour of restlessness I received an email from Leona. As I read through the rather long email from Leona, my emotions shifted from anticipation to excitement and then to extreme joy. Not only was Leona beautifully curved, she was also owner of a Swiss Bank Account. Fine, there was a technicality there because the money in the account belonged to her father who had been a Minister in a certain country and require me to help transfer it to her through my account but oh my! What a jackpot this was for me; a wife and a fortune!

The email went on to explain how my help would be required to make sure that the money was wired to my account straight from the Swiss Account. Poor Leona could not access the account because apparently her father had given her all rights to the account but on condition that she did not touch it until she was 18. Fortunately for us, Leona was making 18 in about a week’s time. Wonderful coincidence!

There was a very elaborate paragraph that talked about how I was going to benefit financially (which I already knew I would; being Leona’s husband and all) and how all I had to do was submit the details of my bank account so the process could be started.

Sweaty palms

After reading through the entire email, I was excited, to say the least. I considered quitting my job because the two things every man wants, (a good wife and loads of money) were right there in the email.

I typed out a response email with sweat dripping down my back. I typed out some poetic words, erased them, typed out the lyrics to Tracy Chapman’s Promise, erased them too, and then stared at the laptop. One must be careful about every word one says during moments of extreme excitement. Eventually I typed out what should have been the deepest love letter since the Shakespearean years. By the time I clicked send, I remembered I had not put the information for my bank account details but that did not worry me because I knew that as soon as Leona replied, we would sort that out somehow.

The wait

After sending the email, I went ahead to change my Facebook status to ‘In a Relationship’ right away. One must warn the world that one is safely on the way to marriage so one should not be bothered by offers from all over the place. As I kept clicking the refresh button in anticipation of Leona’s response, I wondered what she was doing. She must have been shedding tears of love and joy, planning for our first meeting, shopping for her journey to Uganda (which I proposed very swiftly in the email) or simply looking for the right lyrics off of Google to send to me.

It’s been a week now, still no response from Leona. My heart is still hopeful though that this beautiful girl shall be my bride some day. I have shelved the resignation letter to my current workplace but as soon as Leona and I are married, my boss is getting fired! In the meantime, I am practicing the lyrics to Adele’s Lovesong for when Leona and I finally meet. Also I am learning the Nigerian Anthem because I believe I might have to move to Nigeria at some point.

Wish me luck friends.

Note: I have said this before and I will say it again, the internet is full of scammers! The above story is definitely going to end in a Nigerian guy receiving a barrage of insults from me because after all, this is what it is – a real scam. This Leona person is probably nonexistent and the account is instead used to fleece unsuspecting internet users. NEVER give a strange anyone your bank account details, phone number or personal details on the internet.

Here is you weekly dose of inspiration

“A liar is always lavish of oaths.”

― Pierre Corneille

Have a Love filled week

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

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26 thoughts on “Oh My Leona!

  1. Lol. Leona was never excited about your love musings.”She wanted you to “chop the money – o” but you ignored that part.

    I think Leona has sisters; I received Facebook messages from, Naomi Hammam, Bintu Love Azi, Suzzy Dion and Esther Thiara. Note: the last two have names closer to musicians (Ciara and Celine Dion). Their parents, I guess, like western musicians – also Leona for Leona Lewis. No wonder they also have a Swiss Bank Account. [They could be discussing your email right now].

    Good read!!!!

    • Dude!! This must be one heck of a wealthy family. I’m guessing Leona’s sisters are also owners of large sums of money that require transfer through another account. Marry into this family and you are literally sorted for life …if only one can locate them! Thank you for reading the piece kind sir. You might become my inlaw 🙂

  2. But Beewol I told you to leave this Leona alone oh! And you told me not to stand in the way of love… Your Leona a go be a man oh!

  3. LOL!! kati, I showed some guy who was green at first about the whole story & was almost killing himself, he was like; Collins your buddy is messing up with a golden opportunity, if it was me I would have gone long time & meet Leona. He couldn’t believe when i told him it was a scam. I do believe that some folks out there have fallen victim to such online scams. Still up to now I’m astonished by your writing skills.

    • It is very unfortunate that people still fall prey to these very bogus scams. The problem is, when you put ignorance & poverty together, what you have is a very dangerous level of gullibility; it’s almost unbelievable.

      Did you say you are ‘astonished’ by my writing skills? Well, I am astonished that you are astonished 🙂 But seriously, thank you for the ego booster 🙂

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