World Cup Notes

The World Cup is a few days away and the football fever is slowly snaking its way through my bloodstream and that of many other football lovers. True – it isn’t as massive as it was four year ago but it is building up pretty fast. I am confident that by this time next week, I shall want nothing to do with anything other than the World Cup.

I am peace loving person who would like to stay in one accord with all those around me. Being the football loving individual that I am, there is a chance that my relationships with people will either be strained or strengthened during this one month of footballing madness. But just so we are clear, I would like to send a personal World Cup note to everyone around me.

Note to the Friends

For the entire duration of the World Cup, my friends will be determined by what teams they support. We shall be good friends if you support any African team, we shall be very good friends if you support The Netherlands, Germany or Spain, but we shall be absolute inseparable BFFs if you support Argentina. If you have a jersey with Lionel Messi, Sergio Aguero, Gonzalo Higuan or Ezequiel Lavezzi, there is a chance I’ll share my ATM Card pin with you. If you are female and you can name even half the Argentine squad, it is likely I will make a pass at you – during half time or after the game.

two_men_fighting_by_gueparddefeu-d58wogd

Discuss anything other than football and you’ll say hello to the fist

Note to the Boss

I am confident you will be watching the games too so I expect you to understand that my entire schedule will revolve around the games. And I am not saying this because I expect to be becoming in late for work, far from it. I shall come in well in time but you need to understand that certain things will change. Those work meetings that take forever might need to be cut short. No one wants to miss the pundit banter prior to the game. Also, if I show up dressed in an Argentine Team Jersey on a weekday, please bear with me – it is because La Albiceleste will be playing that day.

jersey

The Wardrobe is about to get an overhaul 

Note to the Girlfriend

It would be advisable for you to find a teddy bear to keep you company for this month because for the whole month, my eyes will be glued on the TV watching the World Cup,  watching previews and highlights of the World Cup, watching shows about the World Cup and watching anything that has to do with the World Cup. This essentially means that if I do not pick your calls or reply your messages, it won’t be because I am flirting with a random lady at the bar. It will most likely be because I shall be completely engrossed in World Cup things. You will have me to yourself before and after the World Cup season. In case I watch the game from home, the TV Remote shall be in my possession and there will be no discussion about why the volume is turned up loud.  Any discussions that do not center around the World Cup shall be postponed for the entire month.

real-women-football

That Will Be All!

Note to the other girls

If Spain is playing Netherlands and you ask me why Ronaldo is not on the pitch I will hurl something in your direction – probably a bottle or wooden ash tray. Also, if you happen to support the same team I support, do not be shocked that I might find you more attractive than usual. It will have nothing to do with your smile, legs, behind or intellect. It is simply down to the football passion. As for the girls who have boyfriends, if he tells you he was watching the game with me, it is likely I will support him. I don’t care if in truth he was banging the next door neighbor, I will always side with him – unless he is supporting France or England which I absolutely dislike.

Note to the Government

I know my country is not playing in the World Cup and there are chances it might never play in the tournament – in my lifetime, but for the love of God, please make an effort to support football. The only other thing that can unite people as much as football is music and seeing as Uganda and music still have a strained relationship, it is safe to say that we could / should give football a shot. On Saturday while we were at Mandela National Stadium, every Ugandan rallied behind the team with the assumption and belief that we are one. No tribes, religions, skin colour or political affiliations were realized – we were one people. If that is not reason enough for the Government to support football, then surely nothing is.

Uganda

Fooball has the power to Unite us all

Note to UBC TV

As the official national broadcaster, it is likely that you will have exclusive rights to air the tournament across the one month period. However, history has proven that you have a tendency to be far from reliable. If the transmission isn’t consistently interrupted then the sound shall be deafening. And if the sound is okay then the half time commentary will be something of a bedtime story. If that does not happen then the game is just not aired and instead some strange PPU program will air – something about Mr. 1986 meeting Unemployed Youth in Katakwi district. Let’s have all these PPU programs air before and after the month of the World Cup. Oh, and Jane Kasumba; I like your accent – share some of it with your panelists.

ubc

Hello Jane 🙂

Note to UMEME

Where do I even begin with you lot? I do not know of any institution that has taken a lot of heat as much as UMEME. Truth be told, most of the heat is well earned. You guys have outdone yourselves in keeping a good number of Ugandans in the dark. However, for the duration of the World Cup, I will cut you some slack. I will pray that the Good Lord touches you and you SEE THE LIGHT. I will pray that you light us up and even it we have to pay double – please do what you have to do. I have loaded enough Yaka units to last me the entire month so please do your part and let me watch the tournament without pausing to curse and abuse UMEME. If there should ever be any load shedding, please let it be in the hours when the World Cup is not airing.

Umeme-Yaka-cards

I have done my part, please do your part UMEME

Note to other people

If we happen to be in the same bar and my team is playing, I shall not be held responsible for any injuries you sustain from my celebration. If you absolutely have no interest in Football, stay out of my lane – that way you will not get too much World Cup nonsense coming your way. Also, if you are interested in learning about football, please do so with caution. Do not ask me which team is wearing white, why someone is getting a yellow card, how much time is left on the game or which team is winning when everything is right there on the screen. Also, be sure to postpone your death, wedding, birthday or child delivery until after the Finals of the World Cup.

Other than that, I love you all and as they usually say about football tournaments; may the best team win.

“Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.” ― Bill Shankly

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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Online Presidency

Rumour has been doing the rounds that Citizen 001 is finally getting the hang of things in terms of technology and social media. Rumour is also rife that the big man has joined the selfie Olympics with so much vigour the Selfie Olympics Committee is considering changing the rules so that he doesn’t sweep all the trophies. I have also heard that Mr. 1986 has put together a formidable team to help him join Instagram, FourSquare, Facebook and whatsapp among others – with a bang! And that is not all; I have also been reliably informed that we might soon have a public holiday to celebrate the launch of Citizen 001’s YouTube channel. Apparently it will have some of the baddest Harlem Shake videos from the entire cabinet along with some hitherto unseen footage from Kyankwanzi. Also, I am told that the video of Mpekoni has been finalized and it will be one of the first uploaded videos on the Legendary YouTube channel.

From what I gather, Citizen 001 is all out to embrace progress. Finally, one can afford a smile knowing that the big man will not just be associated with thumbs, hats, sacks, elections and envelops but other things like Instagram selfies, Twitter hashtags, hilarious YouTube comments and massive online Klout. Kudos big man, kudos! Once our president becomes an online president, I know for a fact that we will reap very big as a nation.

Just in case anyone is not too sure about why we need an online president, I shall gladly share my two cents on the issue. I give you reasons why we need an online president.

Fulfilling Campaign Pledges

Not-so-long-ago, a certain presidential aspirant promised that once voted into power, he would champion so many things including ‘modernization’. This might come a few years (or terms) late but hey, better late than never. Nothing screams ‘modernization’ as loud as a FourSquare check in by the Mayor of State House saying “Breakfast in Bed with my sweetie Kataha XOXO!”. I am confident that all those who have been alleging that the president does not deliver on his campaign promises will quickly shut up. He promised you modernization, did he not? Well, go and check who the mayor of State House is now… Boom! – Mr. 1986!! In your faces, you old dweebs who are against our modern strategies!

Sevo Mr. 1986 and one of his buddies in taking a stroll. Runkeeper would come in handy here

And the Selfie King is … 

During the events that surrounded the passing of Nelson Mandela, a one president Barack Obama took the Selfie game to a whole new level. He raised the stakes so high that many world leaders tried but totally failed to match up. Along the way, the Pope joined the Selfie Olympics and so did British PM James Cameron, Danish PM Helle Thorning-Schmidt, Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta and a few other world leaders. Very recently, a new entrant in the form of our very own Mr. 1986 joined the competition and for once in a very long time he actually did have a chance of finishing ahead of many world leaders. True, he is only a new comer but I know many rookies who have been anything but rookies in their first seasons. With the new trend of events I foresee a very tough competition and if all goes well, our very own President might be in the running for the top position. When the crowning of the selfie king of the word comes forth, I have a feeling Mr. 1986 will be close by; if not as the newly crowned king, then as the Holy Visionary who crowns the new king. He’s gat this!

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????I predict a Podium finish for the Musevenis and Obamas

Understanding the Data & UMEME hustle

Two of the most painful experiences of anyone who has a smart phone are; having low battery and running out of data. Unless your battery has run out completely or your data runs out, you cannot appreciate the importance of having electricity or data respectively. Once Mr. 1986 joins the data hustle, he will quickly come to the realization that a good number of our service providers are giving us a raw deal. When he fails to access his Twitter DM while somewhere in Kyankwanzi because of poor network, then maybe the Internet service providers will receive a phone call asking them to better their coverage. Also, when the big man wants to upload a selfie with one of his gorgeous daughters to Instagram and the battery is warning because there is UMEME load shedding going on, then maybe a phone call will be made for UMEME to clean up their act. I see good things happening because of this www experience.

Museveni

Let one of those service providers fool around and we shall see

Death to False Rumours

People have on several occasions wrongfully blamed the president for involving himself in a number of things, saying he was somewhere doing something despicable or undemocratic when indeed he was never there to begin with. When Mr. 1986 joins FourSquare, it will be easier for us to know for sure whether he is in Soroti opening new NRM offices, in Kayunga giving out sacks of fortune or in Rwakitara tending to his cattle. That way, we can know for sure where he is and what he is doing because after all, isn’t transparency part of what the Government should foster? With FourSquare, our online president will be able to absolve himself from any wrongdoings in Bank of Uganda seeing as his FourSquare check in will probably have him creeping on someone’s turf somewhere in Nebbi district and not counting shillings in Mutebile’s chambers.

Four squareThere can only be one Mayor of State House!

Your president, my president, our president 

Many people have constantly been complaining that they are denied access to the president by those around him. Well, with the new campaign to get the president online, this will be a thing of the past. As long as you can access the internet, you will be able to get in touch with the President himself without having to spend millions going through brokers, middle men and negotiators. The president belongs to the people and we should be able to access him, add him to our Whatsapp groups, send him DMs on Twitter, tag him in our baby photos on Facebook, laugh at jokes with him on Google Plus and share our cat videos with him on YouTube. I see no reason why the president should be hidden away from us like a Holy Grail that must not be seen by those who are not worthy or worse, like a Plague that must be kept away from the people. He is your president, my president, Lukwago’s president, Kataha’s President, Bebe Cool’s president, Pastor Sempa’s President and most definitely everyone’s president. So we should all be able to access him; if not physically then at least via Skype.

It is high time we got off our behinds and showed the president that as much as he may have the vision, we have a mission, and it’s to make him an online president – our online president!

“The Internet is like alcohol in some sense. It accentuates what you would do anyway. If you want to be a loner, you can be more alone. If you want to connect, it makes it easier to connect.”  ― Esther Dyson

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter