Reverse Universe

In this universe of ours, there are things that we consider the norm and the accepted way of life. A child is born, they look ugly, they cry, they grow up, become better looking along the way, then they become a nuisance to the society. They then grow too big headed to live with their parents so they move out, meet another grown up parent-deserter (usually of the opposite sex) and start a family. Then they too bear children who also go through the same process and end up populating the world without changing too many rules. Occasionally there are rules that are bent to the point of breaking but overall, this is the way the human race has been able to survive from time immemorial.

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Children turn into rebellious young humans before also ageing 

The other day while I was seating at Javas waiting for a friend to pass by and clear my bill because I was broke, a thought crossed my mind. You see, my mind usually strays far off the ordinary path and conjures up the most unfortunate and twisted scenarios. I got to wondering what would be a likely scenario in case we were living in a reverse universe. For instance what if we started out old, aged backwards and ended up entering our mothers’ wombs to eventually disappear back into our fathers’ loins. I know what you must be saying – this is redundant thinking. Maybe it is, but then again, before you shove this away as utter rubbish (which it quite possibly could be) please hear me out.

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Don’t tell me to shut up!

If we were living in a reverse or parallel world, I am confident we’d be a much more organized group of people and we would probably treat the world and ourselves with softer hands. It would be an interesting world, to say the least.

Wars, What for?

Assuming we were living in this reverse world where we started out old then ended up as babies, there is a chance we’d have very few wars or none at all. No one would want to kill random people because hey, the person you want to do away with today might turn out to be a close relative in the future; worse still – your parent! No one would want to end up a baby with no mother so it is quite possible people would not be too keen to engage in wars. Everyone would want to have a worthwhile childhood with both parents around to look after them, hug them, cherish them and basically provide for them. For this reason alone, no one would want to kill another person for fear of actually eliminating someone who might eventually play a role in your birth (would it still be birth? We’d probably have a different word like Return).

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Imagine crawling back into your mother … 

The school situation

As expected, the older people would have more knowledge and information and therefore would need to go to school so they can unlearn this information. Those blessed (or for this matter cursed) with a lot of knowledge would have to go through various institutions of learning so they can unlearn this information. Interesting, right? And the uneducated ones would simply laze around and enjoy their lives as they count down to the return. Many people would therefore prefer to start out poor and uneducated because that way, they would not need to go through all the various stages of education to unlearn all the information they had in their big brains and to return the massive wealth they are cursed with.

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Uneducated Relaxation

 Entertainment things

Imagine a scenario where someone has to sit in front of a TV so the TV can watch him. And the TV would cough out instructions every after a few minutes for how someone must position themselves. If you are the kind of person who spends many hours in front of the TV or computer right now, you will be in big trouble in the reverse universe because there, you will be required to spend just as many hours in front of the TV but this time not to your benefit but to that of the TV Set or the computer. As for people who are always scrolling down their phones, there would be a real challenge there. The phone would demand that you slide here, press that, click the other, download this; all this because of your love for the mobile phone. Now wouldn’t that be something!

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Who is the slave now!

 The Question of Dating

The current scenario when it comes to dating is that you start out by dating someone you may not really like that much and then end up with the person you have to spend the rest of your life with. Imagine a situation where you start out with the person you love the most and then slowly go down towards the people you may not really like that much. As for the break ups, imagine a situation where a relationship begins with a heart break and then ends when you are falling for someone. Woah!! This is twisted. You start out with someone you have children with and then end up with someone you can’t stand but must tolerate simply because you have become young and naïve.

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The struggle would be real

The Issue of Memory

Old people have many memories, both happy and sad. Imagine a situation where you start out with these memories and then slowly, they get erased from your mind as you grow younger. Your memory slowly has bits and pieces snuffed out as you grow younger and some of these probably having been dear to you.  Older people would envy young people because young people do not have too many worries to deal with. These is kind of already the situation but in the reverse world, older people would work towards growing young so they would probably ask for advice from the young people on how to do things and how to experience life. And in a strange twist, young people would probably be heroes and inspirations looked up to by the older people. The younger one is, the more inspiring they are. Interesting!

child-teaching

Young children would be professors 

What about death?

As for the issue of death, I assume there would be a standard age from where we all begin. For instance if everyone started out as a weak and frail 100-year-old person, they would then grow younger as the days go by. Along the way there would be risk of death before one reaches their standard age of return. This is a scary prospect because while some people will start out at 100 and die at just the very old age of 99, others would live to see out all their 100 years. Eh! Strange just.

While I was thinking of these bizarre and strange things, someone walked up to me with a bill. And then I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be awesome if I started out full and then left Javas hungry? And hey, I would not need to spend anything, these guys would be paying me to come here and become hungry. Ah!

“Everything you can imagine is real.”  ― Pablo Picasso

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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Telecom Divorce

Technology has undoubtedly become the greatest frontier in the struggle to advance and improve our existence on earth. Tasks can now be accomplished faster, people can communicate easier and life generally seems simplified – at least on the surface. Because of technology, distance is now just another eight letter word that has lost meaning over the years, along with other eight letter words like humanity, marriage, learning, kindness, courtesy, original, merciful, trusting and morality.

altruism

Another 8 letter word that could do with revival

In terms of communication, it is safe to say that mobile phones have helped us uncover a world of efficiency and speed we never imagined possible. Mobile Telecom companies have wasted no time in cashing in on the madness and along the way, they have somewhat gone back on some of their original promises. When you are joining any network, you will be told about the cheap call rates, the clear network signals, the great data packages and generally a truckload of benefits. Not long after, you realise that you were sold a raw deal, albeit after getting hooked to the network.

I have been a victim of this raw deal and I would like to share my very sad experience with my service provider who for obvious reasons will not be mentioned lest I become a moving target. I will only mention them when I have effectively finalised my divorce with the said network – something I am working on quite rigorously.

The Wonky Internet Connection

For someone whose life is substantially wasted on the internet, there are few things as frustrating as failing to access the internet when you otherwise have plenty of data. It is likely that in a few years time, I will have no problem sleeping hungry, having no clothes on my back or being impotent – as long as I have access to the internet. The addiction to the internet is not something I am proud of – heck I think there is a fairly hot place waiting for me in Hell because of my addiction to the internet. However, I feel like it is my right to have access to the internet especially since I pay through the nose to be able to access the service. I am very rarely in remote places where internet access is understadably wonky. However, I can not start to count the number of times I have failed to access the internet because my service provider is undergoing ‘routine maintenance’ or having ‘technical problems’. Soon, I will find myself taking a leisurly stroll to the said service provider’s premises and hurling a brick at one of the windows. Might not solve any problem but will certainly help me release much collected negative energy that has build up over the years. Total frustration!

page-load-speed

sssllloooowww internet sucks!

Then the Clueless Customer Care

The last phone call I made to my mobile telecom service provider’s customer care lasted exactly 18 minutes and 26 seconds. 16 of these minutes were spent ‘waiting for the next available consultant’ and the other 2 minutes were spent trying to figure out why my phone was playing games on me. I am a very patient person – most times. I could have waited even half an hour for ‘the next avaialble consultant’ but what I cannot stand is a customer care consultant who picks up your call and makes  it seem like you have no idea what you are talking about. For starters, by the time I call customer care, I’ve sort of explored all possible avenues for a solution. I absolutely dislike calling customer care so I only do it as a last resort. Half the time they too are clueles and the other half they are telling you to do what you have already done 4 times over – restart the phone (that is the standard solution to over 50% of phone related problems). After I have explained what my problem is and the other person is simply taking me around in circles, I kind of lose my patience. I was brought up by my parents to be civil and not utter harsh words no matter how frustrated or angry I may be. Telecom customer care individuals test my resolve quite a lot. Most times I pass with flying colours but only because I cannot reach through the phone to break a few bones or crash a jaw.

bad customer service card

Well done guys, well done indeed!

Then there is the rapture

On a number of occasions, I have been scared into thinking the worst could have happened to someone simply because their phone is off. Most times, as it turns out, the phone is actually very much on but the network has just stubbornly volunteered to switch off someone’s number. Other times, you have a conversation with someone, hang up, remember you were supposed to say something else, call them right back and suddenly ‘the number you have dialed is not on the network’ or ‘you have dialed a number that is not in service’. What the hell!! Did the rapture just happen within a few seconds of the other person hanging up or what? I would rather call up someone and be subjected to a bogus country music ring tone as opposed to calling and being told that the number I have dialed is a wrong number even after I have cross checked 8 times!

angry_on_the_phone

 

We just talked and suddenly the number is wrong? Are you kidding me!

Then the Messages!

One of the reasons why my phone is an absolute problem in my life right now is because of unsolicited text messages. It has become apparent today that sending unsolicited text messages is one of the most effective ways of bombarding people with information that they would otherwise rather not receive, given a choice. The number of times I have been told that I am the day’s lucky person in an SMS gambling scheme are way too many I am starting to think that maybe I am not so special after all. I am not a gambling person and so the odds that I will actually follow the instructions are as slim as the odds that I will grow an afro. I requested that my number be removed from the list of ‘lucky customers’ who receive the daily reminders of great chances at gambling. My number was removed but after a few days, I was right back up there with millions of other ‘special’ customers – receiving my daily dose of lucky messages with a chance to win big. Useless!!. If that is not reason enough for me to leave a network, then nothing is.

IMG_20140428_150633I am tired of this rubbish!

I could go on and on about the raw deal that these Telecom Companies have sold me but God knows my voice is just but a whisper in a crowded place. So I’ll patiently give myself one extra month with the said network and if nothing better happens (which is likely) I will quietly leave the network and see what else other networks have to offfer.

“The telephone is the greatest nuisance among conveniences, the greatest convenience among nuisances.” ― Robert Staughton Lynd

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter