Lentism

If you open the pages of any legitimate version of an English Dictionary, it is unlikely that you will find the word ‘lentism’. In fact, even if you typed the word ‘Lentism’ into Google and hit the ‘search’ button, it will humbly ask whether you meant leninism, kantism, lookism or lentils. Ignore both avenues; we are creating the word right here right now.

Allow me explain to you how and why this word is going to be introduced into our vocabulary.

But what is lent anyway?

Let us take it from the top then, shall we?

A good chunk of Christian churches are currently marking what is known as ‘lent’. According to wikipedia Lent is a solemn religious observance in the liturgical calendar of many Christian denominations that begins on Ash Wednesday and covers a period of approximately six weeks before Easter Sunday. Still, according to Wikipedia, the traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer through prayer, penance, repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement and self-denial.

Onto the Lentism

Now that we have fair understanding of what lent is, we can now graduate to the gist of this Blog Post. What the hell is lentism?

Lentism is the practice of curving out some kind of association with the 40-day Christian period of fasting with the intention of convincing oneself and all those around one that the association makes one a better person, a finer Christian and it brings one closer to right hand of the God.

Now before any Christian can start hurling stones at me and calling for my head on a platter, I shall proceed to turn on the switch on a few more floodlights.

You see, for the period I have been a Christian (which happens to be my entire life so far) I have learnt a few things about this wonderful faith of mine. One of the more prominent lessons I have learnt is that when it comes to fasting, fewer people are willing to do it in silence – the vast majority want to be seen and heard to be fasting. Fasting is primarily an act of willing abstinence or reduction from certain or all food, drink, or both, for a period of time. And this somewhat makes me wonder why people have to walk around with placards on their faces saying ‘Look here, I fasted.’

We are too loud 

For starters, if you have to tell everyone that you are fasting, then maybe you need to re-think your reasosn for fasting. You may as well go out of your way and wear a t-shirt with the words “Fasting to Impress” so we know you are serious. And while still on the subject of fasting, if I call you up to go hang out with me and you say your reason for not hanging with me is because you are fasting, then I think you are missing the point. A number of holy books will explain that if you are fasting, wash your face, look decent and smile at those around you. There is no need to go around drumming up attention to the fact that you are going a few hours without a drink. Unless I ask for a reason, I see no need to volunteer one.

We are just pathetic

It’s already been mentioned elsewhere but I will mention it nonetheless; fasting is no excuse to leave your house looking like a thug and smelling like a he-goat. Take a shower, wash your face, spray some deodorant and look as decent as you would if you were heading for a six-course meal. Just because you are fasting does not mean you should look starved, emaciated and dejected. Wear a smile. After all, the fasting (from what I gather) is between you and your God. True, the people around you will give you the re-assurance that you are not in the fast alone but at the end of the day you must remember that some human beings are as interested in your fasting details as the President is in the plight of Single men who have failed to get married.

The Hypocrites

I have tried as much as possible to stay away from Lentism because I get the feeling the Lord will punish me rather harshly if I pretend. Some people do not give a rat’s ass. I do know a number of people who have curved out personalities from being known as folks who fast religiously yet they indulge in the most evil of things. Some of these people claim to be fasting from morning to evening but somewhere along the way they indulge in the most unhealthy of foods while doing the strangest things known to man – all because no one is watching them. The trouble with these people is that they have the assumption that as long as the people around you see you fasting, you are good to go.

As much as I am not the most ideal Christian to look at in terms of faith, I will most likely fast when I am serious about it. Unless there is reason for someone to fast, they should never just get into the act of fasting. Also, if you are going to fast because you want to impress a certain lady somewhere, remind yourself of certatin truths about humanity. We often lead lives we do not appreciate just to impress people we barely even know.

So while we take time to map out the possibility of staying alive through this lent season, let us attempt to stay away from Lentism. There is a chance that a few of us shall actually lose the plot and go all out being radical and all but at the back of our minds we should never forget the true essence of fasting which is going absolutely hungry to the point that you hate anyone who says anything about food or eating for that matter.

Other things too

Oh by the way, is staying away from sex regarded fasting? If Yes, then a few people are going to have to repent extensively and repeatitively. If No, then a few others have been lying to themselves quite a lot. Once again, I cannot and will not claim to be an expert at fasting but I will say that maybe the Good Lord should make things a little clearer for us. Is fasting just about not eating your favourite foods or is it about completely staying away from anything edible? A little more clarity on the issue.

One last thing – we are several days into the fasting period; can we get some kind of down payment on the rewards? Some of us may not last the entire period.

“Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic’s spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal.”
― Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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A Valentine Death – Part II

Most times when someone is telling a rather long story that has no end anywhere in sight, they break it up and hoodwink people into subscribing for a sequel. This is what I am doing right here, except my story has an end in sight. Last week I put up a blog about Valentine’s Day and I conveniently titled it A Valentine Death – Part I. The idea was to build up to this week’s post which, as you would expect, is about Valentine’s Day too. In the run up to Valentine’s Day, I set out to ruin Valentines for everyone I know. Naturally some people are smart and have tried to hide from me, not picked up my calls and basically stayed clear of me because of the fear that I will ruin their Valentine’s Day. Well, they may not pick my calls or respond to my hate email but I am confident they will read this blog – secretly.

Cat readingMany of you will read this secretly, it’s Okay.

And this brings me to the point of this blog anyway. As a hater of Valentine’s Day and everything lovey-dovey, I would like to recruit a few people to my cult. We shall be setting out to ruin the day for others – especially the women; our women. I am going to share strategies that guys can employ to make sure that when the dust settles on Valentine’s Day your bank account balance is unshaken and your manhood is still intact. I am helping men regain the power they have lost over the years.

  1. The Old School Break-up Stunt

On Valentine’s Day last year, a whooping $14 Billion was wasted on women. This makes me mad because while all this money was spent on women, men were not any happier after Valentine’s Day. As a matter of fact, many men were sad, lonely dejected and still thirsty after Valentine’s Day. Which begs the question – what the hell is the fuss about anyway? How about a temporary break-up right before Valentine’s Day to save the expenditure? Throw her out right before Valentine’s Day. You have to make sure that the break-up is temporary so that after Valentine’s Day you can reboot your relationship and get back on track without having to worry about strange and often ugly bank withdrawals during the Valentine’s season. Change a buddy’s name in your phonebook to say Sally Boobs or Cathy Nice Legs or even Joan Sexy and then have them text you some sleazy lines. Have them text you suggestive and naughty messages with one or two downloaded images of a nice looking Samoan girl but with the caption ‘Me’. Then leave your phone lying around for the girlfriend to go through. She will be so mad at you she will simply walk away and then after Valentine’s when the dust has settled, explain to her that one of your buddies wanted to prank you so they changed the name in your phonebook and sent the messages minus your knowledge. Obviously if you are smart enough, you will not respond to these messages lest your claim of innocence is thrown out of the window, along with your chance for make-up sex.

woman-cell-phone-angryGet her riled up

  1. The Wrong name Trick

Women love to feel pampered especially around Valentine’s Day. Now listen up guys, if you are looking at your bank balance and wondering how you can get out of this one, wonder no more; I’ve got a solution for you. Buy her a little gift on Friday – a cheap gift at that. It would be nice if you bought her a flower or a little teddy bear and then you have these items delivered to her workplace or wherever she is. Make sure you have a sweet scented note added in there. Then write a name of a totally different girl inside the note. At the end of the note, add something like ‘there’s more where that came from’ or ‘I like you very much (insert random name) and I have so much to give you this Valentine’s Day’. Then sit back, relax, and wait for the volcano to erupt. You will have done a very nice thing by sending her a gift but you will have opened a Pandora ’s Box by calling her someone else’s name. It is likely she will be mad at you for a while but it also be likely she will get over it (mostly if your explanation is believable) and take you back in. You, my friend, will have survived the Valentine’s Day Madness.

NAME

Anha!

  1. The Valentines With Mama Arrangement

Women do not fear anything; they will dive head first into a fight as long as you are the prize. They will defend you and even aid and abet some of your crimes as long as you are the prize. The one thing however they are very cautious about is the area treaded upon by your mother (their mother in law). Gentlemen, it is time to play the mother card. No, silly – I don’t mean you should become mothers. Keep up! I mean, you should tell her that you plan to spend Valentine’s Day with your mother. Everyone knows Valentine’s Day is a day you spend with the people you love. While everyone will be with their partners, tell your girl that you have decided to spend this Valentine’s Day with your mother because she has been asking you for it for several months. Even if you have not spoken to your mum for weeks, make sure she is in on it. Tell her you would like to see her on Valentine’s Day so that if your girl tries to ask her mother in law, your behind is covered. The girl will probably be thinking, ‘better to have him spend his Valentine’s Day with his mother than with another random woman.’ Homerun!

valentines-day-cards-for-mom-c5hlqxghGet a nice card to go along with it

  1. The Selective Amnesia and Illness strategy

Everyone knows men have bogus memories. While statistics about men and their forgetfulness are out there flying about with no focus, take advantage and embrace these statistics. Make extravagant and detailed plans for Valentine’s Day and let her imagine that you have some grand plan for the two of you. And then go ahead and forget them. Forget every damn thing. Forget the plans, forget where you were supposed to go and even forget that it is Valentine’s Day. If you can, go ahead and even forget that you have a girlfriend. Some women are so smart they will help you remember things; setting up reminders, scribbling down things in journals and setting up memos. That too can be defeated. Wake up on Valentine’s Day and feign illness. This is what we call the injury time match winner or the buzzer shot because there are very few come-backs that can outsmart this one. Some men’s acting game is so weak that they risk shaming the entire male race by acting they are sick yet they look overly excited and extremely overjoyed. Don’t just play the part guys, be the part. To be able to execute this act, you will need to practice. Therefore between now and Saturday, start practicing. Feign a slight headache here a stomach ache there, a pain in the joints or even some fatigue. By Saturday, the disease will have escalated into fully blown surgery-demanding illness which of course will clear by the start of next week.

Dont-ForgetShe will probably leave these lying around – TRASH THEM. Then say you forgot.

Note to men and women Ladies, if you read this Blog before he reads it, make sure he does not read it lest he gets armed. And gentlemen, if you read this Blog before she does, do everything in your power to make sure she does not read it – lest you get found out. Good Luck Lovers Totally Unrelated You probably have heard this already but I will say it nonetheless. The Social Media Awards are on and as always, nominations are rolling in. I am fully aware that you people have things to do elsewhere but if you could be so kind as to nominate your favourite Blogger (who may or may not be yours truly), it would be awesome. Just go to this link and do the needful. Nominations end on 11th February … a few days to the dreaded Valentine’s Day.

“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” — Warsan Shire

Bernard a.k.a Beewol The Talkative Rocker Follow @beewol on Twitter

A Valentine Death – Part I

Humans are very emotional beings who are packed with a desire to receive and give love. February is said to be the month of love and so naturally there has got be some kind of madness going around about how and who to love. With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, there is a lot of excitement and euphoria that often sweeps over the entire human race so much that droves of people will create invisible partners and lovers just so they can get through that day in one piece.

Month of loveThe month of love is upon us

As a being unfortunate to belong to this race, I am often innocently dragged into the illusion that people actually love me. And so once or twice on Valentine’s Day I have sat there staring at my phone and wondering where everyone who actually loves me has disappeared to because the phone is ever so silent. And then it eventually hits me that they are probably busy expressing love to the people they truly love and the whole time I was only but a hidden track on the album. I often console myself with the assertion that even though I am sad, lonely, in tears and almost suicidal, it is their loss; if they can not realise all the awesomeness and greatness that I possess, then good riddance. Of course all this happens before a few friends and I hit the bar to drink off the loneliness, which usually ends in a regrettable text message to an old girlfriend who has since moved on and probably even deleted my number.

sad_face_dog_1920x120014th Feb is usually a sad day for me

Without necessary washing my stinky and soiled linen on the www, I am confident that there are lots of individuals like myself – individuals for whom Valentine’s Day brings nothing but memories of the horrid and dreadful nature of the human race; with particular reference to the opposite sex.

In the run up to this god-forsaken day known as Valentine’s Day, I have decided to rise up, stir up some dust and basically ruin Valentine’s Day for everyone around me. Am I a bitter being who has not been shown love on Valentine’s Day and has therefore turned into a sadist who wants nothing but darkness, rain and coldness on Valentine’s Day? Maybe. Do I want other people to be as angry and mad on that day as I probably will be? Definitely! For this reason, I will be doing nothing but throwing stones at lovers, pouring water over fires lit by lovers, spreading false but terrible rumours about lovers and working overtime to make sure that as many people are unhappy on that day as possible.

prickI’ll be thinking this of lovers

One might imagine that I am some kind of masochist and therefore I will be getting pleasure out of the pain and suffering of not just myself but others. That might be the case – in fact, it is likely that I love being like this. However, there is also the likelihood that I will be bitter on 14th Feb (again) because I am still single. I have no complaints about being single; heck, I love it. However, one has got to look at the bigger picture here. Men and women all over the world have dragged themselves into this otherwise botched thinking that on Valentine’s Day they are supposed to be showing each other tremendous love and doing things they do not ordinarily do like shower twice a day, wear body spray or go to fancy restaurants. Nonsense!

I say if you have been showering once a day, keep it that way even on valentine’s Day. If you have never received flowers from anyone since you were born, do not suddenly wake up and feel like your partner owes you flowers. Unless you are Kemmy (a good friend of mine who loves flowers so much she often buys herself bouquets) you have no right to start demanding flowers just because it is Valentine’s Day. Stay away from chocolates, wine and expensive dinners. There are more important things to spend money on like happy hour beer, the Besigye Book, Internet bundles and the new U2 album ‘Songs of Innocence’.

wifiFor not-so-much, you can own this

And while we are still on the subject of money, how about doing the more awesome thing and not spending money at all? It is likely the streets will be thronged with over enthusiastic lovers overdressed dressed ridiculously in Valentine’s Day related colours. How about instead of going out there to spend truckloads of money showing the semblance of love to someone you already love you instead stay in and do something more awesome? You can rewatch old episodes of Family Guy, do laundry, argue with your partner or even play scrabble. Having sex is another item you could add on the to-do list. You just might have a baby as Christmas approaches. How wonderful!

By now there are people who are reading this and wondering if I have anything nice to say about Valentine’s Day. I do. It is two weeks from pay day. That’s something nice. Also, since it will be a Saturday, quite a lot happening; there will be plenty of sporting action from all over the world. My fear is that on that day there will be many people walking to the altar and saying their vows. Getting married is suicide. Getting married on Valentine’s day is slow painful suicide with a suicide note that has poor grammar and punctuation. If it was up to me, I’d make sure that no one gets married on Valentines day. No acts of madness should be conducted on Valentines Day. The only madness that should be permitted is levelling up on Call Of Duty – Black Ops II using cheats downloaded off the internet. Other than that, nothing else should be permitted.

Call of duty

Powerful!

Next week I shall be discussing at proper length how one can ruin Valentine’s Day for another person whether it is someone you love, someone you once loved, someone who has refused to love you or someone whose throat you want to slit because they have turned down your advances time and again.

I have your backs people.

“The heart was made to be broken.” ― Oscar Wilde

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Men and Sex

There has always been a dangerously botched and unfairly flawed assertion that men think about sex every seven or so seconds. As a man, I find this assertion not only out-rightly embarrassing but also completely discreditable. Using my own thought process as an example, I would like to begin by stating that there are so many other things that men think about outside of sex. There are super fast cars (which can be quite sexy), sports (which can be more physically draining than sex), there is money (which will get you whatever quantity of sex you want), Alcohol (which usually catapults your sexual libido to untold levels) and then there is politics (which … well … this probably has nothing to do with sex).

male_brain

Hhhmmmm

So Yes – there are other things we think about other than sex.

Having said that, (again using my own thought process as an example) sex is one of the juiciest topics – pun definitely intended. Before I even go any further, allow me to start by mentioning that if you know anyone under 18 who is reading this blog post, pull out their power cable from the wall. This particular blog post is for people who have been on earth for no less than 216 months (which is really just 18 years).

With the knowledge that no under-age folks are reading, allow me to proceed this discussion about men and sex.

What is sex?

Sex (for most men at least) is when a man gets on top of a woman (or she on top of him) and sweats his way to an orgasm, huffing and puffing away as he pounds at her with his every ounce of strength. Occasionally the woman might get (or fake) an orgasm to keep the man’s ego sky high. At the end of it all, when the man arrives at his destination (ejaculation – for those who just made 18), he may or may not collapse in a heap onto the woman and basically pass out, oblivious to the needs and demands of his play mate. At this moment, the play mate is usually too busy reading a novel, replying whatsapp messages or watching Telenova repeats to even care.

Is it that insipid?

Unfortunately, it is. If you were hoping for a more majestic and less vapid description of coitus, I am afraid you have to look elsewhere. Maybe read the 50 Shades of Grey Books or better still; sneak away and watch some Asian or Latino porn – then you will see some lively and sleek sex going on with styles named after animals and ancient missionaries. Other than that, that is really what sex is all about. So if there is any underage person reading this, relax, there is nothing much you are missing. (I know you under age people could not keep away. So read on. Damage is already done.) Obviously older people will have you think that sex tastes better than your favourite dish. They will have you imagine that having sex is like drinking from an oasis in the middle of a hot and long journey through the desert. They will be keen to have you think that sex is the single most wonderful thing any man or woman can go through. Do not believe them. Sex is bad. Ignore the fact that all human existence is a result of sex – that is a conspiracy right there. Human beings are not created out of sexual acts; they are created out of the will of God. He moulds you and places you in the tummy of a random woman who then becomes your mother. Sex is just an excuse to make men relevant in the equation that is child birth.

Am I speaking from experience?

Uhmm unfortunately, I am not. I am still a virgin. I know what you are thinking – what right do I have to talk about sex when indeed I have never had a taste of the forbidden fruit? You see, I have learned that one does not have to go through hell’s flames for them to know that Hell is an undesirably hot place. Read your bible, watch a number of movies, listen to the church pastor, and I can guarantee you will have a vivid painting of hell in your mind; scorching and all. Does hell even exist? That is a discussion for another Monday. For now, let us not concentrate on how inexperienced I am at this topic of sex – let us focus on other things, like debunking the lies you have been told about sex.

Virgins

That’s right – virgins can be awesome too!

Women and Sex

This should probably have been titled ‘Women are sex’ or ‘women love sex’ or even ‘women sex men’ but I imagine the feminists will be all up in arms; if they aren’t already. Women are the reason the world is the way it is. They are the reason Adam lost the plot while still in the Garden of Eden, they are the reason the world is in all this chaos. They are also the reason men cannot stay away from sex. They dangle it around like gazelles hopping about in the carnivore section of the game park. You may be wondering why I am heaping all the blame on women while carefully throwing a blanket over men and their often unrivalled madness. Well, first of all, I am a man, so naturally I fight for this team. Secondly, I have a certain feminist friend who I want to piss off really badly and I am sure she will read this. Thirdly, it is my blog post – I say whatever the hell I want. And lastly, surely there is no crime against writing a blog post that is totally and utterly full of misinformation, right? Good. Now sit tight and let me finish.

SexistSexist enough, no?

So then, what lessons do we learn from this blog post?

  • Sex is overrated
  • Men sweat during sex
  • Women love reading novels and watching Telenovas
  • Women are the reason for all the problems in this world
  • Gazelle meat is quite tasty
  • Human beings are moulded by God and not through sex
  • Never trust the words of a Blogger who has never had sex

Have an awesome week, you sexy beasts who will do anything and everything to engage in coitus.

“But when a woman decides to sleep with a man, there is no wall she will not scale, no fortress she will not destroy, no moral consideration she will not ignore at its very root: there is no God worth worrying about.” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Tearing Down Walls

A long time ago when the German Democratic Republic (GDR, East Germany) was running affairs in Germany, there was something known as the Berlin Wall. This wall was constructed to completely cut off West Berlin from East Berlin. With a ‘death strip’, several vehicle trenches and guard towers to patrol the wall, there was little chance that anyone would run away from the Communist East’s fascist tendencies.

On the evening of 9th November 1989, people who were referred to as Mauerspechte (wall woodpeckers) started the work of bringing down this wall and in the days and weeks that followed the demolition took on a more serious trend. The wall covered an entire 155 Kms (96 miles) although just about 3 or 4 kms of it still exist to this day.

Berlin wall

A visitor peeks through a still-existing section of the Berlin Wall into the so-called ‘death strip,’ where East German border guards had the order to shoot anyone attempting to flee into West Berlin at the Bernauer Strasse memorial on Aug. 5. (Sean Gallup/Getty Images)

Yesterday (9th November 2004) about 8,000 helium balloons were released into the night sky over Berlin at the culmination of events held to mark the 25th anniversary of the fall of this terrible Berlin Wall.

Now while this may sound like a proper lesson in History, I would like to highlight that I am no expert at History even though I am a very ardent student. The reason why I bring up the issue of the Berlin wall is because even in our lives today, we have several walls that need some kind of crushing and breaking down. These walls have been constructed over the years by ourselves and even without trying so hard, we have created a world that is more divided that it ought to be.

It is high time we brought down some of the ‘Berlin walls’ that have been a part of the human race for quite a long time.

The Racial Walls

It is rather unfortunate that in this day and age when the world is more intertwined and interlinked than ever before we still have people who see and rate people based on their skin colour. It may be true that some of us are a darker shade than usual and we may have trouble being noticed at night but that does not make us any less of human beings. A close friend recently returned from a trip to Texas in the United States and they narrated an ordeal that simply left me aghast. Turns out that even in 2014 there are people who think one race is inferior to another. Even when evidence clearly indicates that all races have similar abilities but are only constrained by external factors, certain people continue to front the assertion that some races are mentally inferior. All human beings are just but one perishable form of flesh. We all have the same kind of blood and our brains and other organs are not any different. These racial walls that still exist even when a black man like myself can have a white girlfriend like Jessica Alba defeat my understanding. Wake up guys! Racial walls need to be torn down yesterday!

kidsTruth!

The Gender Walls

As the human race continues to go through stages of evolution (I am told the process never stops), it becomes more apparent that there are things about men and women that are no longer the way they used to be. For instance, several decades ago, one had to work hard to make the choice whether to take three, four or five wives. Today, one has to struggle even to get oneself just the one wife. Women are now more in control and they seem to be doing a good job steering the world in the right direction. Women have gotten in spaces where they previously only dreamed of and from the look of things, it is benefiting both sexes. Why then would any sane person want to continue putting up gender walls even after women have displayed that they are no less able that men are to execute the various duties that we so much hold onto. And while still on the subject of gender walls, why should people continue to look at women as the weaker sex? I personally think women are not a weaker sex; they are just a different sex. This means that while we (men) may do certain things better than the women, there are other things that women will do without even batting an eyelid and we’d probably need three lifetimes to even get started.

menListen to these wise words

Sexual Walls

Now listen guys; sex is a beautiful thing that happens between two human beings (preferably consenting adults). Why then should we pretend like it does not happen? Why should we consider evil anyone who mentions anything about sex? Why should we put up sexual walls to hide away this information from people who would otherwise need it? I have a good friend Marianne who has taken quite a bit of time to Blog about sex and how it is an awesome thing. I admire her because she continues to challenge people to get out of their shells and share their sex experiences. Divorces are happening today partly because people do not share their sex experiences and so they jump into the activity unaware of what expectations, realities and truths they are faced with. If we tore down the sexual walls and started to talk freely about sex, it would give everyone a better understanding of how they need to go about sex. I know one or two people might have an issue with this because the world is filled with underage people, perverts and sex hungry maniacs. Despite this, I still feel like refusing to talk about sex because of perverts and underage people is like refusing to drive because one fears getting into an accident. Do it well and you will have nothing to worry about.

SexRemember that Salt-N-Pepa hit song?

Everywhere you go, there are walls that are set up and need Mauerspechte to break them down. Whether or not one is able to summon the energy and resolve to actually begin bringing down these walls is up to each of us. I play my part by making noise about it through this Blog and through Twitter. Are you doing your part? And what ‘Berlin walls’ have you put up in your life? Break them down!

reagan

“Mister Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” – US President Ronald Reagan in a speech at the Brandenburg Gate on June 12, 1987.

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Taming Her 101

For a very long time, men have gotten a very raw deal when it comes to dating and relationships. Either they are blamed for being too absent minded during a romantic dinner or they are blamed for dozing off after just a few minutes of foreplay. Men tend to take most of the heat when relationships go south. Women on the other hand are experts. They are very good at mending things so they never really have mistakes lying around waiting to be uncovered. They read a lot of relationship literature, they discuss a lot (with other women) about relationships and they generally have all the tips and tricks at their finger tips – they are all-knowing when it comes to relationships.

While everyone is struggling to have women considered equal to men, I silently rally some of my buddies so we can rebel and attempt to change the narrative. You see, women have progressed in this matter known as dating, so much that when a man meets a woman, they have different time frames for their relationship. By the time the man makes up his mind to date the woman, the lady has already played out possible scenarios right from the first hello to the day when their kids will be born. Women think faster and they look further.

For this reason therefore, I have decided to share some secrets with fellow men. Some of these secrets are meant to help brothers ‘tame their women’ so that they too can have a chance in life. Since men are playing catch up, there is no harm is requesting women to stop reading right here, right now. So, gentlemen, here is my little insight on taming the lady 101.

Give it to her

As a man, it is your responsibility to make sure that the woman you call your better half is getting mind blowing sex. You are required by the Universe to make sure that once you and her are through with a sexual encounter, she can barely walk. Now before you go and maim a poor man’s daughter by bashing her knees with sticks so she can barely walk, you ought to remember that sex is the only weapon you should use. You can use this weapon not only to send shock-waves throughout her entire system but also to remind her that you are the real deal. If you are lousy in bed, there is no harm in secretly downloading a Kamasutra app and passing through it every now and again for tips. Women like good sex, they fancy explosive sex but they absolutely love good explosive sex. So don’t be shy, give it to her till she can practically has to crawl away from the bed. Even the courts of law will back a man who maims his woman through sex.

ManIf you have to hide your identity so you can up your game – go ahead!

Pamper Her

For the average man, the word ‘pampering’ is not a very good word to use when referring to the treatment a man should give a woman. However, if you are looking to keep your woman coming back to the four walls of your house, you better start to pamper her. Obviously folks with plenty of money will feel like they have a head start here but without necessarily bursting your bubble, the kind of pampering the woman needs is not so much material pampering.  Make her feel special. Refer to her as whatever confectionary comes to mind, call her any fruit you like and compliment her whenever you have an opportunity. If she recently said she will be going to the salon, when you see her after the salon, be sure to compliment her. Set a reminder on your phone if you have to. No matter how hideous her new weave looks, swallow a bitter pill and tell her she looks good. Forget what you have been told about telling the truth – Lie to the woman or she might lie with someone else. Many times you don’t applaud a woman because she genuinely looks dashing but rather because she put in quite a lot of effort – even though she may end up looking like a 96 year old Nigerian Demon.

wash feet

Occasionally wash her feet and you’ll be a keeper

Conversation

Women love talking mostly because they invented it. You see, a very long time ago, God created man. But since God and Man were not talking that much, God figured a third party should liven things up. Who better to spice things up other than the woman? Women are the owners of conversation and they love to exercise they gift of conversation. If you are not good at speaking, you better sharpen your listening skills because you will need to listen attentively. Occasionally refer to a story she narrated in the past; this ought to give her the impression that you actually listen. Women may not want to talk with men but rather to just know that men are listening. Turn off the game on TV, put your phone down, hide your Porn magazine and just listen to the woman. If you have to, practice with Joan, the waitress at your local bar. Perfect the art of smoothly sliding in and out of conversation without making it obvious what you are doing. Conversation counts for a lot.

stock-footage-businesswoman-shouting-through-megaphone-and-pointingNo matter how loud she may be, just listen!

Warning!!

One of the biggest mistakes that men make is to assume that all women are the same. This is something that usually screws all of us up. While some women are more interested in material things like several pairs of shoes and numerous hand bags, some are more interested in humour and conversation while some others just want good sex and nothing more. It is up to you to know what you are good at and flaunt it so that you are able to attract females who appreciate that exact attribute. That way, you do not have to worry about putting up an act just so you can get into her pants. It will come easy for you.

Disclaimer

This Blogger is no expert at relationship issues. In fact, he sucks so much at relationship issues that the last couple he gave relationship advice ended up turning gay. The guy decided he now liked guys and the lady decided she now preferred ladies. Therefore, no matter how convincing this Blog post might seem, take it with a pinch of salt – unless of course your relationship is very salty in which case you are doomed. Have a great week all the same.

“Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.”  ― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Follow @beewol on Twitter