Kla Lingo (Part 2)

I will begin this blog post by stating a rather useless fact; I hate TV series. Save for one or two old series, I generally do not like being left in suspense and I sure as hell do not like to leave things hanging on unfinished. That being said, this Blog post happens to be the 2nd in a three-part series of blog posts about the lingo in Kampala.

Why wasn’t I able to have everything summed up in one blog post? Well, for starters, I am a wordy person and I will most likely use 38,407 words to explain to a woman why I cannot date her instead of simply using 5 or 6 words. So, yeah; I need more time to say even the simplest and smallest of things. Also, I am practicing my TV show writing skills and the last lesson I learnt is – never give them everything in one show.

So, here goes with the follow up to last week’s Kla lingo.

Part 2 (I – P)

I – International

In Uganda the word international has very little (and in some cases nothing at all) to do with being global or worldwide. The word international is a word that has now been added to the Ugandan dictionary as a preffix ( and sometimes a suffix). It is often added with another word to give the allure that something is of better quality or appeal for instance an international school with only locals as students, an international upcoming artist whose music is only listened to by his closest friends, an international girlfriend who has never gone across the border, an international phone that was manufactured in Katwe and an international hospital that is run by Ugandans, treats Ugandans and has no connection to the world outside except for the fact that the medicines used are imported. If you are looking to make your business seem legit, simply add the word international and you will be good to go. This, for instance, is an international Blog post.

GlobalMany of our International things are not as global as one would expect

Other I words / phrases: Imbalu, Iteso people, Illuminati, Ikong Joseph, Imagine by Peter Miles, Infrastructural Development that never happens.

J – Jamrock

There is a tiny little bar in Kampala that hosts a very popular Reggae night once every week. This Reggae night has over the years become something of a routine for a good number of Kampala dwellers and revellers. Several artists, both upcoming and already up there have been known to show face at this night either to promote their purportedly reggae music or to simply mix and mingle with the rather segmented crowd. One or two revellers might know the right words to certain reggae songs but the whole bar often explodes into a chorus of off-key and off-tune wails when their favourite songs are played. There is also a very popular pulling factor that this bar has; an-out-of-this-world happy hour coupled with overly friendly waiters and waitresses. I am a bigger rockhead than a rasta man but I pass there ever once in a while for some bashment.

jamrock_by_sk8erchickroz-d33q7fe

And I sing who Jah bless, let no man curse …

Other J words / Phrases : Julianna, Just katono, Jennifer, Jennifer tuyambe, Jinja.

K – Kuliche / Kuriche

Depending on what part of the country you come from, you can pronounce this word in any way suitable. Basically the word being inferred here is the English word ‘Cliche’ which is a big time favourite of a one Tamale Mirundi. Anyone who has been in front of a TV or listened to a radio in the past several years has heard the voice of this man – Tamale Mirundi. This gentleman is the definition of a loud and inccesant chatter box with a whole lot of grossly misplaced intended to confuse and yet scare the listener / viewer. He is often alarmist, frequently subversive, occasionally diversionary and abnormally hilarious. His favourite word is ‘Kuriche’.

Tamale-Mirundi

The originator of the word Kuriche

Other K Words : Katooto, Kasana, Kyabise, Kikomando, Kumbaya, Katogo

L – Lira Lira

This is one of the most potent drinks in Eastern, Central and Southern Africa. The drink is so potent in alcoholic content, so much that the geniuses who invented it figured that naming it twice would send the point home. Unfortunately, there has not yet been a proper process to package and export it, seeing as Uganda is well known for alcohol consumption. That being said, anyone who visits Northern Uganda or communities around the country that are inhabited by people from Northern Uganda will get the chance to taste this awesome drink. It has the ability to make one happy while giving them the most gruesome look all at once.

duff-beer-simpsons-crossover.0

Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson have themselves endorsed Lira Lira

Other L words : Lungujja, Langi, Luzinda, Love affair, Laba lumonde, Luweero.

M – Make It Nasty

Once upon a time, there was a bunch of students from a very popular University who engaged in what has now come to be termed as a ‘ground breaking activity’. The details of this activity are referred to as ‘making it nasty’ because these students coined the phrase to refer to their activity. Today, whenever anyone is taking part in an activity of this nature, they will be referred to as ‘making it nasty’. To be able to make it nasty, one requires a willing female, a willing male and a video recording device. No more information shall be shared in this section seeing as this blogger recently learnt that under 18 children also read the blog. A combination of some of these words would be something like ‘Let us make it nasty in the mweruka mode’ – this simply means ‘Let us do the dirty silently’.

keep-calm-and-make-it-nasty-8

Ahem! Ahem!

Other M Words / phrases : Muyaye, Mwooyo, Mungato, Muvubuka, Mbale, Mweruka mode, model empya.

N – No Change

There are a number of Ugandans who subscribe to the school of thought that asserts that ‘unless it is broken and shattered to pieces, do not attempt to fix it’. These Ugandans have dedicated their lives to fronting the ‘No Change’ campaign in the hope that the status quo shall remain unchanged. From the political point of view, the ‘No Change’ slogan is often used whenever an incumbent is standing for an electoral position that he is still occupying. It is very common among the peasants, uneducated and sycophants. It is also a statement used by traders when telling their customers that they have no smaller denominations of money.

motivational-interviewing-change-or-no-change

We each sit where we feel comfortable

Other N words / phrases : Nagisi, Nye, Neera, Nebbi, Nubian, Ndombolo, Nantaba

O – Ondaba

Ondaba is a self empowering movement with experiences made in Uganda. It is a campaign set up to recognise the uniqueness that is Uganda. In essence, the word is a Luganda word that relates to being seen or noticed. The aim of this campaign is to have people and groups of people identify themselves as proud Ugandans through what they eat, how they dress, where they go, the things they own, the lives they lead and generally who they are. One is likely to bump into the hashtag #Ondaba on various social media platforms. It is simply an attempt by Ugandans to stand out and express pride in their country no matter how pathetic or hopeless the situation may seem.

Ondaba

Akapande mukalaba?

Other O Words / Phrases – Oyagala Cash, Oyorific, Open and close, Omara the Afande, Onfudde Muddu wo,

P – Potential

A few years ago, the duo of Radio and Weasel of Goodlyfe got together with Zambian singer General ozzy to make some music. The trio put their brains together and emerged with a song (Potential) that created some kind of cult following for Goodlyfe. The song ‘potential’ is about a woman having the potential to sweep a man off his feet. The word ‘potential’ went on to become a word that described anything that is worthy. You will now hear people say things like ‘that woman has potential’, ‘this phone has potential’, ‘that man’s car has potential’, or ‘the current Gov’t has lost its potential’.

Ruth

Look at all this Komuntale Potential. Pity it went to waste.

Other P Words / Phrases – Porn, Pomili, President waffe, Pader, P

Next week we shall finally have Part 3 (of 3) of the Kla lingo. Until then, keep it together and once again, please do not be a victim of language barrier in Kampala.

“The limits of my language means the limits of my world.” ― Ludwig Wittgenstein

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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Hey Kataha

Greetings Fair Maiden,

N’ogambaki iwe Kataha? Konka how have you been lately? It has been a while since I (we) heard from you. I am confident though that it is probably because of the work load that you have. Being the Minister for Karamoja Affairs and being the MP for Ruhaama County are no easy tasks. It goes without saying that adding the title of First Lady, Husband, Mother and Fashion Icon to your long list of duties makes it even tougher for you. Well done! I was in Ntungamo recently but didn’t quite see you – I think you had flown to Karamoja or Rwakitura or was it Israel? I can’t remember. But I missed you. By now, you must be wondering what the purpose of this letter to you is. For starters, worry not – everything is okay at my end. This is not an automated letter sent after my death. Most is well at my end; my employer pays on time, I am in good books with my landlord and God is blessing me with more oxygen than I can finish. Still no girlfriend but I’ve sent a few application letters out – I await response. Therefore I am fairly okay. I’m writing this letter just to check on you – you know, like a good old friend. Like I said earlier, you have been somewhat quiet lately and it got me wondering if all was well at your end. So I suggest that you relax, probably grab a soft drink and smile as you read along.

Relax_at_the_beach

Get onto one of these and enjoy reading your letter

This morning I read an interesting letter from you in the New Vision, something about you not looking for a job but only being interested in serving Ugandans. Before I can even go into the details of the nobility in your intentions, I must admit that I am very impressed by your command of the English Language. Are you sure you have no relatives from England? Eh. The Queen herself would probably smile if she read your piece. Your lungereza is impressive. In your piece in the New Vision, you were telling Ugandans that you are more interested in serving them as opposed to looking for a job. Wow! How do you do that? The vast majority of Ugandans are interested in looking for a job and putting food on the table but there you are, interested in just serving – teach me how you do that! Oh and the bit about you possibly turning down an offer from Amama Mbabazi for a ministerial position? That is some nobility right there. Personally I would probably fall for the bait and sell my friends and family while at it; but not you. Once again, well done. Tell me something madam Kainembabazi how is your fashion style these days? Munaye you used to be an inspiration to females in this country in terms of fashion. You were a stylish dresser, your hair was angelic, your colours matched, you smelled like heaven and your poise was simply unmatched. Not that much has changed but hey, do you think you can make a come-back of sorts? If you have to attack the beach with a Bikini every once in a while, so be it. And this business of wearing long skirts that nearly sweep the floor, what’s that all about? I am sure if you looked at your calendar you would realize that it is 2014 and not 1973. Forget about the mini skirt law – we forgot that one almost as soon as we started talking about it. Get in on the action ma’am. Have you seen how flashy Michelle Obama looks in those bu short skirts? Goodness! I know you are 15 years her senior but hey, you know what they say about age – it is just a number; one you can tweak with as and when they please depending on the needs and demands. kataha

How about less robes and more short skirts?

So my friend Janet, how are the kids? Boy do they grow up so fast! Just yesterday Muhoozi was a little boy suckling his thumb and running around the compound soiling his pants but look now – the guy is a big man in the army. M7 with Muhoozi as baby Moshi Tanzania 1976

Look at your two boys back in Moshi. Seems like just yesterday!

And then Patience, Diana and Natasha? Are they still as beautiful as they were several years ago when they were all over the papers with their weddings and babies and the like? You and I both know you are the reason for their beauty – well done.

-First_Lady_Janet_Museveni_with_her_daughters_and_Don_Moen_at_Kampala_Serena_Hotel_on_Sunday_356202407

Is that Don Moen squeezing in for a pic with you and your girls?

Are you watching the World Cup Janet? The 2014 edition is pretty interesting you know. We’ve been served up with some real mouthwatering clashes so far. What team are you supporting? Nze mpagira Argentina. Last night we even won our opening game – great start, right? Oh and the NBA Finals ended this morning – as I had anticipated, the San Antonio Spurs won the Title. Awesomeness just! Wait, am I bothering you about sports you have no interest in? Apologies.

Let’s talk about the budget then. Did you hear the budget that your colleague Madam Kiwanuka read? Good Lawd! I always knew that she had a pair of golden ones down under but this time round she out-did herself. She is the definition of bravery and hard headedness. Even with the tough times squeezing us she never runs out of ways to squeeze us further. I am not sure how you plan to save money but back here at my household, we are timetabling the use of sugar and paraffin. We shall also be walking for long distances to save up on transport because I heard that fuel prices are going to go up. That said, I must say I was shocked that there was no mention of alcohol or cigarettes. Quick question – do you smoke? Probably not. How could you – with such a fine set of teeth. I don’t smoke either but many of my friends are chimneys. Forget them though, let’s talk about 2016.

I heard that your sweetheart is planning to stand for re-election in 2016, how true is that? Please thank him for sponsoring the World Cup on UBC TV. The Kenyan president might have flown the Harambe Stars to Brazil to watch the World Cup but what use is that if we can have everything right here on our TVs? Kudos to your husband. m7-and-wife

What an awesome couple you two make!

Speaking of your husband, I know you two don’t keep secrets from each other but did he tell you that he joined Twitter? Oh yeah! His account even got verified and is now getting in Followers like a problem – the guy really has a vision. Give him a high five when you have the chance. And while you are at it, borrow his phone, take a selfie, open a Twitter account, follow me and we can continue this conversation via DM.

In the meantime, please enjoy these few dedications I picked out for you.

Dedications

Namagembe – Maddox
Can’t Remember To Forget you – Shakira and Rihanna
You’re still the one – Shania Twain
Loyal (explicit Version) – Chris Brown, Lil Wayne and Tiga
Sitya Loss – Eddy Kenzo
Moves like Jagger – Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera
Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen
Gyal Sidung – Konshens and Darrio

Yours Sincerely

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter