Secret Guardians

Every human being on this planet has got a bunch of secrets that they would rather go to the grave with. Some have secrets that would rock the world to its very core while others have less interesting secrets that would probably get nothing more than a sigh. At the end of the day, everyone has got little skeletons hidden in a closet, hoping they will not peek or ask for liberation and freedom.

We-All-Have-Secrets

It’s no secret, we all have secrets

While on the subject of secrets, it is generally the rule that while everyone has secrets, there are a few who are maestros at the secrets game. They have curved out personalitites and even careers as experts at the secrets trade. Some have all sorts of secrets thrusted at them with or without their consent. Others position themselves to be able to listen to all kinds of secrets while some others simple enjoy the business of secrets. I know a few of these individuals and I shall attempt to identify a few of the experts at the secrets game.

Presenting, secret guardians;

Mothers

It has always been said that no one knows more secrets of children than mothers do. Mothers know tiny little dark secrets of their children so much that they can black mail anyone at anytime if they wanted to. Mothers know all about the time you pooped in your pants at the family gathering. They know about that time you got beaten up at school by a little disabled girl who everyone used to ridicule and bully. They know about the time you accidentally took a sip of your father’s alcohol and ended up speaking gibberish. They know how as a young boy Pink was your favourite colour and you loved playing with little dolls and eating ice cream. Mothers know so many things it is dangerous to want to be on their bad side. They know whether or not your current dad is even your real dad. These blessed people know just too much.

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Oh the serets mothers know!

Catholic Priests

For obvious reasons, catholic priests are included on this list. These guys know quite a lot of nasty things about their flock. From what I gather, every catholic is supposed to share their deepest dark secrets with a catholic father prior to receiving forgiveness from God. The whole truth-telling takes place in a tiny little place where the sinner is not exactly in position to see the face of the priest (probably so that he does not see the priest’s facial expression as he supresses shock and disappointment at the son or daughter of the Lord). It has been said over and over again that while Catholic Priests listen in to some of the sickest and nastiest confessions, they are also the most trustworthy people because apparently they would rather be stoned to death than reveal the confessions of a hitherto sinful catholic. This only goes to show that they actually do know quite a bunch of terrible secrets.

PRITXT

Telling it all

Google 

From the time the Internet went live, a lot of information has been shared around the world.  A good chunk of this information has been searched for on various platforms but Google is the number one search engine by far. Pay a random visit to any Computer that is connected to the internet and pull up the Google search History; trouble!. Some of the things human beings search for are really embarassing. We have outdone ourselves in this department so much that I am sure if Google were a person, he/she would literally be crawling on their knees begging for mercy from anyone typing into Google. We are just too brutal! We Google anything and everything from “How to Kill Chuck Norris In Real Life” to things like “What is a Boyfriend and where can I download one”. We are simply dangerous when it comes to searching for things on Google. Gone are the days when all we did was search for “Jennifer Lopez Naked”, “Translate to Nigerian English” or “Kim K sex tape”. Nowadays we search for things like “I hate when Jesus Rides Dinosaurs in My House”, “Am I the Only one who eats my poop because it tastes like lemon”, “How to have sex while dozing” and my personal favourite, “How do I use Google” We elevate the searching game every other day.

ZachZach speaks the truth 

God

It goes without saying that God knows quite a lot about us. Many a time, when we are in trouble we pray to him and explain that we did not intend to throw the body into the river but we were just scared after the hit and run. We also tell God to help us execute that robbery so that we do not get interrupeted. God is the one person who listens to our secrets and somehow seems not to judge. If the concept of the Holy Trinity is true, we can all agree that the Father, Son and Holy Spirit must be cracking up whenever we offer up our prayers. Many of our prayers are really hilarious and often border on ridiculous but the Holy Trinity never answers back with laughter. God listens to all our secrets and even before we can begin to reveal anything, the big guy seems to know already. Is he not the all-knowing one? Well, he knows everything we do and from what I gather, he knows it even before we do it. Yikes!

Jesus

God is on a major LOL right about now

The Government 

Few people will believe this but the Government knows quite a lot of things about us. The Government knows almost everything about us. It knows when you are born and when you die. It tracks you all through your education until the time you decide to self jail yourself with marriage. It knows everything! There is an international wave to kind of reduce the involvement of the Governent in personal lives but I am sure that will come to nothing because the Government is the eyes and ears of the Universe. The Government is the Universe’s way of listening to our coversations and following up on us every inch of the way. Right from the time you are born, you begin to give the Government your time, resources, body, soul and spirit. The day you die, the Government returns these things to the universe – intact with all your secrets. The Government usually lies to us by telling us we have freedoms and liberties but really the truth is these liberties and freedoms are simply what the Government says they are.

ScreqThe Government knows EVERYTHING!

“A secret’s worth depends on the people from whom it must be kept.” ― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind 

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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Reverse Universe

In this universe of ours, there are things that we consider the norm and the accepted way of life. A child is born, they look ugly, they cry, they grow up, become better looking along the way, then they become a nuisance to the society. They then grow too big headed to live with their parents so they move out, meet another grown up parent-deserter (usually of the opposite sex) and start a family. Then they too bear children who also go through the same process and end up populating the world without changing too many rules. Occasionally there are rules that are bent to the point of breaking but overall, this is the way the human race has been able to survive from time immemorial.

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Children turn into rebellious young humans before also ageing 

The other day while I was seating at Javas waiting for a friend to pass by and clear my bill because I was broke, a thought crossed my mind. You see, my mind usually strays far off the ordinary path and conjures up the most unfortunate and twisted scenarios. I got to wondering what would be a likely scenario in case we were living in a reverse universe. For instance what if we started out old, aged backwards and ended up entering our mothers’ wombs to eventually disappear back into our fathers’ loins. I know what you must be saying – this is redundant thinking. Maybe it is, but then again, before you shove this away as utter rubbish (which it quite possibly could be) please hear me out.

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Don’t tell me to shut up!

If we were living in a reverse or parallel world, I am confident we’d be a much more organized group of people and we would probably treat the world and ourselves with softer hands. It would be an interesting world, to say the least.

Wars, What for?

Assuming we were living in this reverse world where we started out old then ended up as babies, there is a chance we’d have very few wars or none at all. No one would want to kill random people because hey, the person you want to do away with today might turn out to be a close relative in the future; worse still – your parent! No one would want to end up a baby with no mother so it is quite possible people would not be too keen to engage in wars. Everyone would want to have a worthwhile childhood with both parents around to look after them, hug them, cherish them and basically provide for them. For this reason alone, no one would want to kill another person for fear of actually eliminating someone who might eventually play a role in your birth (would it still be birth? We’d probably have a different word like Return).

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Imagine crawling back into your mother … 

The school situation

As expected, the older people would have more knowledge and information and therefore would need to go to school so they can unlearn this information. Those blessed (or for this matter cursed) with a lot of knowledge would have to go through various institutions of learning so they can unlearn this information. Interesting, right? And the uneducated ones would simply laze around and enjoy their lives as they count down to the return. Many people would therefore prefer to start out poor and uneducated because that way, they would not need to go through all the various stages of education to unlearn all the information they had in their big brains and to return the massive wealth they are cursed with.

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Uneducated Relaxation

 Entertainment things

Imagine a scenario where someone has to sit in front of a TV so the TV can watch him. And the TV would cough out instructions every after a few minutes for how someone must position themselves. If you are the kind of person who spends many hours in front of the TV or computer right now, you will be in big trouble in the reverse universe because there, you will be required to spend just as many hours in front of the TV but this time not to your benefit but to that of the TV Set or the computer. As for people who are always scrolling down their phones, there would be a real challenge there. The phone would demand that you slide here, press that, click the other, download this; all this because of your love for the mobile phone. Now wouldn’t that be something!

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Who is the slave now!

 The Question of Dating

The current scenario when it comes to dating is that you start out by dating someone you may not really like that much and then end up with the person you have to spend the rest of your life with. Imagine a situation where you start out with the person you love the most and then slowly go down towards the people you may not really like that much. As for the break ups, imagine a situation where a relationship begins with a heart break and then ends when you are falling for someone. Woah!! This is twisted. You start out with someone you have children with and then end up with someone you can’t stand but must tolerate simply because you have become young and naïve.

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The struggle would be real

The Issue of Memory

Old people have many memories, both happy and sad. Imagine a situation where you start out with these memories and then slowly, they get erased from your mind as you grow younger. Your memory slowly has bits and pieces snuffed out as you grow younger and some of these probably having been dear to you.  Older people would envy young people because young people do not have too many worries to deal with. These is kind of already the situation but in the reverse world, older people would work towards growing young so they would probably ask for advice from the young people on how to do things and how to experience life. And in a strange twist, young people would probably be heroes and inspirations looked up to by the older people. The younger one is, the more inspiring they are. Interesting!

child-teaching

Young children would be professors 

What about death?

As for the issue of death, I assume there would be a standard age from where we all begin. For instance if everyone started out as a weak and frail 100-year-old person, they would then grow younger as the days go by. Along the way there would be risk of death before one reaches their standard age of return. This is a scary prospect because while some people will start out at 100 and die at just the very old age of 99, others would live to see out all their 100 years. Eh! Strange just.

While I was thinking of these bizarre and strange things, someone walked up to me with a bill. And then I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be awesome if I started out full and then left Javas hungry? And hey, I would not need to spend anything, these guys would be paying me to come here and become hungry. Ah!

“Everything you can imagine is real.”  ― Pablo Picasso

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Bottled Theories

According to a number of reports, both genuine and fake, Ugandans rank very high on the list of nationals who consume great quantities of alcohol. We are internationally known as the drinking champions of this generation. If you are Ugandan, it is safe to assume that you have a drinking problem. If not that, then you know someone who has a drinking problem. If not that, then you are the reason someone is drinking – you are the drinking problem. And if it is none of those then one or both your parents are not Ugandan. There might be one or two individuals who will be up in arms against this allegation saying they have never tasted alcohol. To those, I have but one message – you are letting down our country. So much for the spirit of patriotism!

Moving on …

A number of theories and beliefs have been forwarded to explain why Ugandans love the bottle. Some scholars have forwarded the argument that Ugandans are the most intellectually mature natives of this earth therefore they drink a lot of alcohol to help them cope with the slow nature of other people. Some other scholars from the far East are of the opinion that Ugandans consume a lot of alcohol simply because we can. This school of thought has loopholes though seeing as people of other nations also CAN DRINK but somehow haven’t chosen to drink as much. Overall, very many arguments have been offered.

With a glass of low-alcoholic-content wine on my desk and my Laptop plugged into a power source, I shall share my bottled theories.

The Theory of Death

This theory states that Ugandans take alcohol because it helps to blur your sight about the inevitability of death. You see, Ugandans love life so much that we hate to be reminded about the little demon of death. The natural thing to do if one wants to forget something is take a few shots of a hardcore drink. This way, one will not just forget about death but they will take on a new persona altogether; one of a superhero. There is no man on this earth as invincible and dangerous as a man under the influence of alcohol. He will fling himself at anything and anyone with the assumption that nothing will harm him. Very carefully instructs your mind to create a fierce and dangerous person out of you, a person who will receive mail from the Angel of Death and re-address it with a neat addition ‘RETURN TO SENDER!!!’

No_death

Alcohol makes you put up a No-Death sign right away

The Marketing Theory

This theory suggests that alcohol marketing is the reason for our love of the bottle. In many countries around the world, the most aggressively advertised products are gadgets, health products, foodstuffs, financial products and Telecom services among other things. In Uganda, not too many products are marketed even half as fiercely as alcohol. If there was a Uganda life lost every time an alcohol advert hit the airwaves, this country would have few people left, all of them visitors from neighboring countries. We advertise alcohol way more than we advertise mosquito nets, vaccination, farming equipment, educational products and clothing all combined. The population loves their drink and the companies know it. Why deny them what they want?

Question

Beer companies will give you the answer – never the question

The Troubled Theory

Here, there is the belief that Ugandans are a troubled lot of people. With a life that is packed with complaining about UMEME, dodging tear gas canisters, hiding from iron bar thieves, arguing with conductors, sweating in traffic jam, begging for a salary raise, watching the national team get walloped left right and center, listen to stories of child sacrifice and generally worry about anything and everything, there is no way someone will stay away from alcohol. Under these circumstances, the realistic thing to do is be resilient and work to better the situation around you. However, who wants to waste their time fixing things when you can forget everything happened by just taking a few shots of a killer cocktail at your local bar? Forget the troubles, forget the worries, forget the realities and swing by the local joint for a few drinks. That ought to help you put the past behind you – albeit momentarily.

 

worried_about_a_bill

 

 Troubles left, right and center

The Partying Theory

This school of thought maintains that Ugandans are the most exciting and excited people to be around. Many of the people I have met who are from other countries but have spent some time in Uganda confess that there are few countries in the world that can offer the level of partying that Ugandans offer. Here, people party throughout the entire week and they do it while drinking truckloads of alcohol. A typical schedule of a working class Ugandan would have all evenings set aside for a few drinks. Monday, one will meet with the boys. Tuesday, there is the office drink up. Wednesday is the mid-week madness. Thursday is all about happy hour. Friday is when the real mayhem begins, Saturday is for getting wasted and Sunday is when people take a little alcohol to help them forget the previous night’s escapades. It is a non-stop chain of partying and drinking left right and center.

The Drama Theory

Imagine a scenario where you wake up in the morning to hear your neighbours quarrelling and fighting. You take a quick shower and head out to catch the morning taxi. In the taxi you are seated between two large women who are consuming 80% of the oxygen while adding 150% carbon dioxide back into the same air you are struggling to breathe in. When you get to work, your boss walks in a few seconds after you,  looking like he is in the mood to fire someone. As you rush to log in and complete yesterday’s assignment, an unemployed buddy sends you a whatsapp message with a fresh video titled – Sex Tape Recorded in Convent. As much as you want to concentrate on the Excel Sheet in front of you, the video begs for and eventually wins your attention. Halfway through the video, you are grinning then one of your colleagues notices and immediately tells everyone that you are watching pornography. Before you know it, the female colleagues start avoiding you except for the 42-year-old cleaning lady who is suddenly more interested in you. She makes a pass and you innocently smile but say nothing. As you play hide and seek with the cleaning lady, your boss passes by your desk and notices you are absent. Then you are summoned to the office, only to be told that the cleaning lady has just filed a sexual harassment case against you – apparently you have been stalking her! As the evening draws closer, your friends call you up to join them for a few drinks, how are you going to say no to that? This is the sort of drama that we go through on a daily basis.

Truth

 Nothing but the truth

There are a total of 924 theories that have been advanced to explain the drunkenness that Ugandans very proudly possess. However, due to the fact that apparently people get tired of reading, I must stop right here. Real bummer!

“Maybe some folks are alcoholics and others are just voluntary drunks. Maybe some folks drink due to body chemistry and others due to their lazy characters. Maybe some have drinking problems, while others have problems enough to drink.” ― George Jones, I Lived to Tell It All

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Serpentine Valentine

As is the tradition with the human race, around this time of the year, there is a euphoria of sentiment spearheaded by individuals seeking to find validation for the otherwise meaningless relationships they are in. This attempt to seek for validation has been summed up in a custom that has now come to be known as Valentine’s day. True, there are several tales about how the day actually came into existence but the general idea is that on this day people can finally put into practice the several ‘I Love You’ allegations they have been making.

I_love_you_by_PambaThe time to make good on those words has arrived

To many people, Valentine’s day is a day to be sweet, romantic, loving, kind and extremely passionate to the person you claim to be in love with. While this is the general rule, there are some folks who are no less than serpents and their behaviour and code of conduct prior to, and on this day, is nothing short of demonic. They are out to make it terrible for the rest of humanity and since there is no Government legislation or UN ruling against people behaving like serpents, they go ahead to rip out people’s hearts left right and center all in the name of Valentine’s Day. Today however, we uncover these individuals who practice serpentine valentines.

The Brutal One

There are women who are out to fleece men and clean their bank accounts dry on Valentine’s Day. First, there is a promise they put out to the man – a promise that they just might give in to his advances. So she keeps him around at least until Valentine’s day. On this day, the man will take her out and foot all bills – hoping that this might as well be his last day of begging and imploring and spending way too much. At the end of the night after she has gobbled down 82,000 /- worth of food and drink and has depleted his account by a whooping 140,000/- in transport and other expenses, it becomes apparent that he might have to drop her off at her house. Her reason? Apparently ‘she wants to take it slow’. Serpent! If she wanted to take it slow, she should not have given him all these go-ahead signs that included the provocative short dress and delicious seasoning in the name of make up. Also, she would have probably turned down the expensive meal in favour of something simple and less expensive. It doesn’t get any more brutal than that.

Gold_digger_by_Lysol_JonesNational Gold Diggers Day 

The Two-timing One

The general trend with love and life is that men tend to have a liking for more than one female. While some men hold it off and stay true to one woman, some other men give in to the liking and pursue both. Women have since tipped the scales and are now in position to have two or more men too. A good number of women have actually made it their life’s plan to have more than one man and have each of them foot whatever bills come her way. On Valentine’s day she will spend half the day with one man and spend the other half with the other man. The one whose spending is more impressive will probably get to eat the proverbial cookie. Now if the cookie is going to go to the highest bidder, one may as well hang a price tag on her mid section so that everyone can know how much they must part with so they can get in on the cookie.

sb10064861z-001Beware – lest you get the shock of your life!

The Heartless one

Valentine’s day is a day when even the toughest and least emotional of people will give in to the confusion of love. It is a day when men prove to women how deep their love goes. And usually men do exactly that – they do all sorts of things to make the point clear. Occasionally a lady will smile and nod with gratitude or appreciation for the expensive dinner or dress. However there are those who will simply carry on like nothing happened. According to them it is the man’s duty / responsibility to do these things. They will keep reminding the poor man about how there are suitors waiting in line in case he does not up his game. As much as it may be true that the line behind him is long, there is really no need to give a brother too much pressure. Why be so heartless? Why?

the-avengersEven if the line has all these four waiting, there is no need for the pressure

The Social One

For the most part, a relationship is supposed to be an affair between two adults. At any one moment, only two people are supposed to know the details of, or to enjoy the benefits of a relationship. But of course there are instances where one of the people feels they need to share it with several other people. There are those females who have made it their life’s purpose to share details of their relationship with friends and family, so much that the man walks into a room full of her friends and they instantly start bickering – about him. Worse still, on this rather special day when it should be the two of them giving each other company, some of the females will show up with two other friends. And then the guy will have to foot an ugly bill because, well, he is being nice to his woman. And if she does not bring her parasitic friends along, she will spend half the time texting with those same friends. Your social skills are appreciated but how about some time for the man? He is footing the bill after all, the least you can do is give him some attention.

dATEPut the bloody phone down!

Go on and enjoy this week my friends. It is the week for lovers. And while there are many women who have been brutal and mean to men over the years, the same applies to men. This time round, make the day count, treat her nice, talk to her, make her smile and let Cupid’s arrows do the rest of the work for you. Enjoy the madness of Valentine’s day all of you. If like me you do not believe that much in Valentine’s day, you are welcome to join me on the balcony of this apartment called life. Let us watch the rest of humanity become gooey on each other. For those who are side dishes, there is a wonderful way to enjoy this Valentine’s day after all. Just read a piece that I wrote sometime last year : Power to the “Other Women” on Valentine’s Day

“If every lover was treated like they matter — everyday; valentine’s day wouldn’t be so ‘special.” – Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter