Season Orientation

Ever since the World Cup ended a few weeks back, there has not been much in terms of really juicy competitive football. There have been a couple of games here and there but nothing half as electric or captivating as the World Cup. People who are into football have been starved of some real action. Fortunately, most leagues around the world are about to resume and in a few weeks the euphoria will be right where we want it to be – at the very top.

For someone who lives, breathes, eats and farts football, there is no need to go through any kind of orientation before the football season starts. As a matter of fact, you’ve probably already chosen your side and are chanting away your team’s slogan with extreme pride. You will most likely have already exchanged a few insults with individuals supporting any team that is not yours and you will have already set up wagers left right and center before the season even kicks in. You’ve already predicted where your team will finish at the end of the coming season – at the top.

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Even those who are in sync with the fourth

On the other hand, if you relatively new to the concept of club football, you are probably unsure which direction to take. You are not even sure if you should join in the madness and confusion that usually tends to take over a chunk of Ugandans. True, you supported all African teams during the World Cup, felt sad for Neymar when he got injured; loved Rodriguez’s spectacular goal and were amused by the vanishing spray that the referees deployed in Brazil. Generally speaking though, you are not the most passionate person when it comes to football. You are however thinking of joining a certain camp so as to identify with the cool people who know a thing or two about club football.

Before you can hand yourself in to the dark side for mutilation, I’d like to give you a piece of advice – Stay away from football. You see, I have watched this bogus game called football for over two decades and I can confidently tell you that it sucks! The addiction that you will come under is something of epic proportions. On a number of occasions, you will lose sleep, money, integrity and even relationships simply because of this thing called football. And while still on the subject of losing things, prepare to lose a lot more than just your mind when your team loses by any chance. There are the buddies who will take every second they can spare to remind you that your team lost to theirs and they will gladly keep throwing vile insults your way just to ignite some kind of feud and they won’t fail. You see, if you passionately support a certain team, no matter how many seasons it has gone without a trophy, you will always imagine it is better than all the rest. And so if anyone alleges otherwise, you will not let things slide without a fight (worded or physical).

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Prepare to defend your zone

Along the way, you will forge alliances and create bonds based on your support for/of a certain team or dislike of another team. Some of the people who eventually become your friends will scare you with their passion. Throw in a random hint of criticism that may be extremely objective and all hell will break lose. They will do everything to throw fire in your direction and may possibly even deliver a beating right at your doorstep. These are the kind that seem like they hold shares in the team they support. But don’t blame them – they are just passionate. When their team wins, they will praise the team, heap accolades on the manager and demand for every other team to bow down. When their team loses, they will demand for the manager’s head, insult all the players and threaten to abandon the team. Brace yourself for that kind as well.

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It’s all about the passion

If by now you are getting worried about this whole thing called football, then I am getting through to you. But then again, there are good sides to this demon. When I was watching the World Cup, I was lucky to watch one of the games with a fairly wealthy individual who promised to buy us rounds of drinks every time Brazil conceded a goal. Lucky for us, during that particular game, the Germans were really in scoring mood and the Brazilians somewhat conspired to have us get drunk. Such people are the reason football was invented anyway. They will buy the whole bar a round once their favourite player(s) perform well.

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They can be extremely generous or extremely nasty

While you prepare to venture into this world of club football, you might want to pick up a few tips on which clubs are everyone’s favourites. You can pick on a team depending on anything from Team Jerseys, Historical success, World Wide Support, Famous footballers, to a coin toss. Be sure though that once you settle for a team, you will be obliged to stick with them through thick and thin; like a marriage ought to be. Anyone who swings from one team to another is nothing but a fake individual; like the Pioneer Buses they will be sought out and hung to dry.

When all is said and done however, the decision whether to get onto the bandwagon of football lovers or stay in the lane of boring non-football-loving humans is something that will always come down to you as an individual. Of course there will be little things nudging you here and there for example your awesome friends who keep talking about Juventus, Real Madrid, Manchester United, Bayern FC and Orlando Pirates. Then there are radio and TV stations throwing football related issues in your face left right and center.

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You won’t be able to escape it

Oh, and once you get into the thick of supporting these football clubs, you will have to set aside a chunk of your hard earned money to purchase merchandise like club-tshirts and other items like pillows, bedsheets, pants and other ridiculous items that will hit the market. This is the only way people around you will know that you are committed to the club 100%. The only other way to show commitment is to know plenty of history of the club which from the look of things you might not master seeing as there are a few weeks to the start of the season.

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Sounds about right

So then, good luck with your endeavor.  See you at the start of the season.

“The thing about football – the important thing about football – is that it is not just about football.” ― Terry Pratchett, Unseen Academicals

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

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Post WC

For very many people, the past few weeks of World Cup euphoria have offered an experience that can best be described as memorable. Obviously it was not as memorable for the Brazilians, English or Spanish but overall, the World Cup served up some real excitement. In our own backyards, relationships were created, bets won, friendships terminated, allegiances shifted, breakups initiated and basically life lived to the fullest – all because of the football showpiece.

Now that the World Cup has ended, many people have been left confused, dazed and basically non compos mentis because of the absence of football action. Some are already starting to suffer from World Cup withdrawal symptoms seeing as they had gotten used to a Brazilian drubbing here, a Spanish annihilation there or an English humiliation the other side. There is simply no more World Cup and coming to grips with this realisation is going to be a challenge. The World Cup is like a sweet drug that people have gotten addicted to and now need ways to stay away from because the supplier just ran out of stock.

As a person who is an expert at addictions and keeping them in check (try to not think so much about that), I would like to offer a few remedies for all my friends as well as my enemies; the German fans. Here is how you can pre-occcupy yourself during this World Cup aftermath.

Watch plenty of TV

For most sane people, soaps, TV shows and TV series are generally a waste of time and a very effective way of keeping your mind stagnant. They do not add to one’s intellectual sharpness, acumen, wisdom or intuition and neither do they make one any more insightful. They however play a very crucial role in holding friendships together, helping people shave hours off their often boring lives and basically offer people topics of discussion during stale blind dates or during boring house parties. During this time when there is no football going on, give these TV series a shot. True, you may emerge dumber, less insightful and probably addicted to one or two TV shows but you will certainly have helped yourself get over the absence of football. I have to add that you must desist from watching any World Cup replays or you will have a seizure or some kind of delirium because your mind will suddenly demand for more football. Watch TV but stay away from Football.

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Make sure the volume is turned up so she doesn’t read anything

Medidate and do Yoga

Specialists at peace and tranquillity recommend meditation and yoga for people who would like to get their thoughts together. You will probably have a rough time trying to forget Mario Gotze’s heartbreaking screamer against Sergio Romero or Tim Cahill’s beauty against Netherlands but Yoga and meditation should just about do the trick. Instead of constantly replaying Lionel Messi’s 90th Minute winner against Iran, you can focus your mind on healthier things like doing Yoga. While doing group Yoga (preferably with females around) you can be sure that football will be the furthest thing on your mind as other softer and more delicious issues will take up that space in your mind ( No – I do not know this from experiencel; I am only working with assumptions). The meditation will help you look at your life more critically so as to identify the mistakes you have made and how you can make other mistakes while trying to correct previous ones.

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Go on and Challenge yourself

Plan for 2016

Every day that passes in Uganda brings us closer to 2016 – the year of reckoning. Whilst the rest of us were busy arguing bitterly during the World Cup, some visionaries were laying strategies for 2016. If you were lucky (or unlucky) to have watched the World Cup on UBC TV, you would have noticed a certain consistently loud message about the Kyankwanzi Resolution. I am yet to understand why and how such a video even runs on a National Broadcaster but that is besides the point. The video simply begs the question – if other people are getting ready for 2016, what are you doing? World Cup is over; start drawing up plans for your 2016 manifesto. Plan for how many bars of soap you will supply in your constituency and how many sacks of sugar you will need to get the local leadership on your side. Look at which banks have favourable loan deals to help you cover your campaings. You could also create a video that may or may not talk of you as a demi-god who everyone must vote if they want to stay alive and then you can have this video run on UBC Tv.

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Start planning your political career

Work on your relationships

It is highly likely that for many people, the World Cup dealt a huge blow to their relationships with friends, family and lovers. Now that it is all over, such people should now resort their energies to fixing those broken relationships. If you and your partner broke up or filed for a divorce on grounds that you two could not agree on whether Messi is better than Ronaldo, maybe it is about time you called a truce. Most footballers in the world are now on holiday – take a hint. Free your mind from the slavery of football and focus on making those around you happy. Get home in time to have dinner with your wife, make that phone call to the grandmother and pay a friend a visit. With the World Cup out of the way, you can now go forth and multiply because you now have the time for coitus. Don’t disappoint the missus by saying you are occupied. The most popular sporting event is over; make some time to engage in intimacy with your partner. It is the least you can do after ignoring them for the entire duration of the World Cup.

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People like Wenger are out there striking killer poses – join them!

Other things

There are about 92 other things you can engage in now that the World Cup is over. Some of those that I haven’t mentioned above include starting a cult, joining the army, becoming a musician, practicing for Big Brother Nominations and stalking an ex partner.

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 *Yawn* when does the season start again?

The point is – World Cup is over and we must work hard to forget it.

“Good habits are worth being fanatical about.”  ― John Irving

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

World Cup Notes

The World Cup is a few days away and the football fever is slowly snaking its way through my bloodstream and that of many other football lovers. True – it isn’t as massive as it was four year ago but it is building up pretty fast. I am confident that by this time next week, I shall want nothing to do with anything other than the World Cup.

I am peace loving person who would like to stay in one accord with all those around me. Being the football loving individual that I am, there is a chance that my relationships with people will either be strained or strengthened during this one month of footballing madness. But just so we are clear, I would like to send a personal World Cup note to everyone around me.

Note to the Friends

For the entire duration of the World Cup, my friends will be determined by what teams they support. We shall be good friends if you support any African team, we shall be very good friends if you support The Netherlands, Germany or Spain, but we shall be absolute inseparable BFFs if you support Argentina. If you have a jersey with Lionel Messi, Sergio Aguero, Gonzalo Higuan or Ezequiel Lavezzi, there is a chance I’ll share my ATM Card pin with you. If you are female and you can name even half the Argentine squad, it is likely I will make a pass at you – during half time or after the game.

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Discuss anything other than football and you’ll say hello to the fist

Note to the Boss

I am confident you will be watching the games too so I expect you to understand that my entire schedule will revolve around the games. And I am not saying this because I expect to be becoming in late for work, far from it. I shall come in well in time but you need to understand that certain things will change. Those work meetings that take forever might need to be cut short. No one wants to miss the pundit banter prior to the game. Also, if I show up dressed in an Argentine Team Jersey on a weekday, please bear with me – it is because La Albiceleste will be playing that day.

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The Wardrobe is about to get an overhaul 

Note to the Girlfriend

It would be advisable for you to find a teddy bear to keep you company for this month because for the whole month, my eyes will be glued on the TV watching the World Cup,  watching previews and highlights of the World Cup, watching shows about the World Cup and watching anything that has to do with the World Cup. This essentially means that if I do not pick your calls or reply your messages, it won’t be because I am flirting with a random lady at the bar. It will most likely be because I shall be completely engrossed in World Cup things. You will have me to yourself before and after the World Cup season. In case I watch the game from home, the TV Remote shall be in my possession and there will be no discussion about why the volume is turned up loud.  Any discussions that do not center around the World Cup shall be postponed for the entire month.

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That Will Be All!

Note to the other girls

If Spain is playing Netherlands and you ask me why Ronaldo is not on the pitch I will hurl something in your direction – probably a bottle or wooden ash tray. Also, if you happen to support the same team I support, do not be shocked that I might find you more attractive than usual. It will have nothing to do with your smile, legs, behind or intellect. It is simply down to the football passion. As for the girls who have boyfriends, if he tells you he was watching the game with me, it is likely I will support him. I don’t care if in truth he was banging the next door neighbor, I will always side with him – unless he is supporting France or England which I absolutely dislike.

Note to the Government

I know my country is not playing in the World Cup and there are chances it might never play in the tournament – in my lifetime, but for the love of God, please make an effort to support football. The only other thing that can unite people as much as football is music and seeing as Uganda and music still have a strained relationship, it is safe to say that we could / should give football a shot. On Saturday while we were at Mandela National Stadium, every Ugandan rallied behind the team with the assumption and belief that we are one. No tribes, religions, skin colour or political affiliations were realized – we were one people. If that is not reason enough for the Government to support football, then surely nothing is.

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Fooball has the power to Unite us all

Note to UBC TV

As the official national broadcaster, it is likely that you will have exclusive rights to air the tournament across the one month period. However, history has proven that you have a tendency to be far from reliable. If the transmission isn’t consistently interrupted then the sound shall be deafening. And if the sound is okay then the half time commentary will be something of a bedtime story. If that does not happen then the game is just not aired and instead some strange PPU program will air – something about Mr. 1986 meeting Unemployed Youth in Katakwi district. Let’s have all these PPU programs air before and after the month of the World Cup. Oh, and Jane Kasumba; I like your accent – share some of it with your panelists.

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Hello Jane 🙂

Note to UMEME

Where do I even begin with you lot? I do not know of any institution that has taken a lot of heat as much as UMEME. Truth be told, most of the heat is well earned. You guys have outdone yourselves in keeping a good number of Ugandans in the dark. However, for the duration of the World Cup, I will cut you some slack. I will pray that the Good Lord touches you and you SEE THE LIGHT. I will pray that you light us up and even it we have to pay double – please do what you have to do. I have loaded enough Yaka units to last me the entire month so please do your part and let me watch the tournament without pausing to curse and abuse UMEME. If there should ever be any load shedding, please let it be in the hours when the World Cup is not airing.

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I have done my part, please do your part UMEME

Note to other people

If we happen to be in the same bar and my team is playing, I shall not be held responsible for any injuries you sustain from my celebration. If you absolutely have no interest in Football, stay out of my lane – that way you will not get too much World Cup nonsense coming your way. Also, if you are interested in learning about football, please do so with caution. Do not ask me which team is wearing white, why someone is getting a yellow card, how much time is left on the game or which team is winning when everything is right there on the screen. Also, be sure to postpone your death, wedding, birthday or child delivery until after the Finals of the World Cup.

Other than that, I love you all and as they usually say about football tournaments; may the best team win.

“Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.” ― Bill Shankly

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter