Four Wise Fools

For as long as the human race has existed, there has been a notion spreading from one generation to another about how women are complex and impossible to figure out. A woman is one big ball of confusion covered up in even more confusion and walking around spreading this confusion to any willing and unwilling human. The moment Eve devoured the forbidden fruit, lured her husband into sampling it, and then turned round to blame everyone and everything but herself, it became clear that woman had secured her position as the trickiest being alive.

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Where it all started!

Now, before females can pull out daggers, pangas, swords and vile words, I want to begin by stating that I am probably the last person in the world who would know anything about women. One would expect that since I am son to a woman, I have dated a woman and I do have a bunch of unruly sisters I should have some fair insight into women – WRONG. I am as clueless as any man on the face of the earth. However, I have a gang of four friends who insist that they have a grasp of what women really are all about.

Not-so-long-ago these guys and I sat down to try and figure out what women are really about. I was tasked to document (and eventually share) the opinions of these men who I shall call the Four Wise Fools – for obvious reasons. I shall present each wise fool’s opinion along with a brief background to the opinion giver.

Opinion Giver 1 – Kenneth (Not real name)

Kenneth has been married twice and has had his fair share of girlfriends. He is the oldest of the group at a whooping 46 and he is the most ‘experienced’ when it comes to women. With 1 extra marital relationship and 2 side dishes to his name, Kenneth proudly boasts of his years of experience with women. His opinion was therefore documented first.

Kenneth’s Opinion

Women are meticuously crafted beings whose sole purpose on earth is to suck all the happiness and pleasure out of men (there was a bit of emphasis on the sucking although we were not sure why; but we all laughed). They will pretend to like you just so they can get close to you and rip your heart to shreds – they do this ripping thing for fun. They may appear to be fragile, sensitive and vulnerable but really deep down they are rugged, pugilist and mercenaries sent by the gods to finish off men. One or two women might be genuinely nice but only for a while. Once they are in their flocks with other females, their true selves will emerge – vile, horrid and sadistic. When you have the chance to get with one, make it count; leave a scar.

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Kenneth Reckons women are out for blood.

Opinion Giver 2 – Francis (Also not real name)

Francis is a fresh graduate, an enthusiastic young active man and a budding loverman. He is dating Martha (definitely not real name) and they have been together for about 2 years now. Martha is a model at a top Modeling agency but word has it that she also moonlights as an escort girl – something Francis vehemently denies. Francis prides himself in never having cheated on his girlfriend and is confident she has also never cheated on him.

Francis’ Opinion

Women are really not that hard to figure out. The secret in figuring out women is in not trying at all. You see, many men spend half their lives trying to figure out women and the other half regretting why they ever tried in the first place. The trick to staying with the same women for long is simple – never start a fight, always apologize even when you’re not in the wrong and never start an argument no matter how vindicated you may be. Never give a woman reason to be mad at you and you just might survive in this life. If by some mistake you make her mad, be quick to apologize for it and make up with mind blowing sex, some intimate one-on-one talk, an expensive shopping spree or something really wildly expensive like a trip abroad. Obviously if you cannot afford this the Universe has already tilted the odds against you but give it your best – sell your liver if you have to but always be ready to spend obscenely on her if you want to keep her happy. In short, spend on her and you are good to go.

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The two have so much in common 

 Opinion Giver 3 – James (can’t be real name or he’ll kill me)

James is a Youth Pastor at a prominent Church in this city. You will find him on any given day either reading the bible, talking about the bible or sharing a bible verse. He is as Christian as they come and is anxiously awaiting the second coming of Jesus Christ. The wait has been long but James will not waiver in his faith. He hopes to have sex (for the first time) when he gets married. Naturally no one believes he is a virgin but he swears by the King James Bible that he has never ‘known a woman’.

James’ Opinion

Women are special vessels created by God to help man grow and fill this world. Women are however not easy creatures to deal with. The Bible clearly states in Proverbs 31:30 that ‘Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.’ Therefore unless a woman fears the Lord, she is bound to turn out evil. In fact, most of the women of the world are complex because they walk in the ways of the world. Women of today also forget the Bible recommends that they play second fiddle to the men. In Colossians 3:18 the Bible is clear; ‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.’ Sadly, most women ignore this and it is why most of them are going to hell. Women waste their time and resources trying to look spectacular instead of seeking first the kingdom of God. Women are complex today because they have shunned the ways of God. All women are going to hell.

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Apparently women need to have this tagged onto them

Opinion Giver 4 – Derrick (Obviously also not real name)

Derrick is a simple guy who lives from hand to mouth. He earns just enough to sustain him and occasionally take a female to a low end bar for some happy hour drinks. Other than that, he really does not fancy spending on women. Derrick will buy 20 new belts before taking a random female out on a date. He is what most people would call stingy. He will only spend on a female when he is sure he is taking her to bed or if he has proven blood relations with her.

Derrick’s Opinion

Women are simply materialistic – that is all! They want this, they want that, they want the other… and what do they offer in return? They nag, demand, stress, complain and quarrel like their lives depend on it. Would it hurt for a woman to foot the bill every once in a while? Huh? Would it hurt for her to surprise me with an air-time scratch card of say 10k? Is that too much to ask. I do not date because women are like bad businesses. You get in there expecting profits, so you invest your whole life savings. Then what do you get? Two whatsapp messages in a day asking if you can send mobile money and finding out if you call back. Useless!! One day they will realise that this whole emancipation business is overated. I hate women!

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Women will put you out to dry in a second!

Note from the Blogger

 The views expressed in this Blog are not the Blogger’s views. As much as the Blogger is not well clued on women, the Blogger insists that the Four Wise Fools are only representative of a small chunk of men. There are men out there who have nice things to say about women. The Blogger is just sorry they were not part of the discussion on that day. The Blogger is however having a trip to Jinja this Weekend where he will meet a number of interesting people who promise to give insight on the same topic. There is hope that some decent words shall be said about women.

Book

In the meantime we’re studying them

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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Post WC

For very many people, the past few weeks of World Cup euphoria have offered an experience that can best be described as memorable. Obviously it was not as memorable for the Brazilians, English or Spanish but overall, the World Cup served up some real excitement. In our own backyards, relationships were created, bets won, friendships terminated, allegiances shifted, breakups initiated and basically life lived to the fullest – all because of the football showpiece.

Now that the World Cup has ended, many people have been left confused, dazed and basically non compos mentis because of the absence of football action. Some are already starting to suffer from World Cup withdrawal symptoms seeing as they had gotten used to a Brazilian drubbing here, a Spanish annihilation there or an English humiliation the other side. There is simply no more World Cup and coming to grips with this realisation is going to be a challenge. The World Cup is like a sweet drug that people have gotten addicted to and now need ways to stay away from because the supplier just ran out of stock.

As a person who is an expert at addictions and keeping them in check (try to not think so much about that), I would like to offer a few remedies for all my friends as well as my enemies; the German fans. Here is how you can pre-occcupy yourself during this World Cup aftermath.

Watch plenty of TV

For most sane people, soaps, TV shows and TV series are generally a waste of time and a very effective way of keeping your mind stagnant. They do not add to one’s intellectual sharpness, acumen, wisdom or intuition and neither do they make one any more insightful. They however play a very crucial role in holding friendships together, helping people shave hours off their often boring lives and basically offer people topics of discussion during stale blind dates or during boring house parties. During this time when there is no football going on, give these TV series a shot. True, you may emerge dumber, less insightful and probably addicted to one or two TV shows but you will certainly have helped yourself get over the absence of football. I have to add that you must desist from watching any World Cup replays or you will have a seizure or some kind of delirium because your mind will suddenly demand for more football. Watch TV but stay away from Football.

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Make sure the volume is turned up so she doesn’t read anything

Medidate and do Yoga

Specialists at peace and tranquillity recommend meditation and yoga for people who would like to get their thoughts together. You will probably have a rough time trying to forget Mario Gotze’s heartbreaking screamer against Sergio Romero or Tim Cahill’s beauty against Netherlands but Yoga and meditation should just about do the trick. Instead of constantly replaying Lionel Messi’s 90th Minute winner against Iran, you can focus your mind on healthier things like doing Yoga. While doing group Yoga (preferably with females around) you can be sure that football will be the furthest thing on your mind as other softer and more delicious issues will take up that space in your mind ( No – I do not know this from experiencel; I am only working with assumptions). The meditation will help you look at your life more critically so as to identify the mistakes you have made and how you can make other mistakes while trying to correct previous ones.

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Go on and Challenge yourself

Plan for 2016

Every day that passes in Uganda brings us closer to 2016 – the year of reckoning. Whilst the rest of us were busy arguing bitterly during the World Cup, some visionaries were laying strategies for 2016. If you were lucky (or unlucky) to have watched the World Cup on UBC TV, you would have noticed a certain consistently loud message about the Kyankwanzi Resolution. I am yet to understand why and how such a video even runs on a National Broadcaster but that is besides the point. The video simply begs the question – if other people are getting ready for 2016, what are you doing? World Cup is over; start drawing up plans for your 2016 manifesto. Plan for how many bars of soap you will supply in your constituency and how many sacks of sugar you will need to get the local leadership on your side. Look at which banks have favourable loan deals to help you cover your campaings. You could also create a video that may or may not talk of you as a demi-god who everyone must vote if they want to stay alive and then you can have this video run on UBC Tv.

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Start planning your political career

Work on your relationships

It is highly likely that for many people, the World Cup dealt a huge blow to their relationships with friends, family and lovers. Now that it is all over, such people should now resort their energies to fixing those broken relationships. If you and your partner broke up or filed for a divorce on grounds that you two could not agree on whether Messi is better than Ronaldo, maybe it is about time you called a truce. Most footballers in the world are now on holiday – take a hint. Free your mind from the slavery of football and focus on making those around you happy. Get home in time to have dinner with your wife, make that phone call to the grandmother and pay a friend a visit. With the World Cup out of the way, you can now go forth and multiply because you now have the time for coitus. Don’t disappoint the missus by saying you are occupied. The most popular sporting event is over; make some time to engage in intimacy with your partner. It is the least you can do after ignoring them for the entire duration of the World Cup.

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People like Wenger are out there striking killer poses – join them!

Other things

There are about 92 other things you can engage in now that the World Cup is over. Some of those that I haven’t mentioned above include starting a cult, joining the army, becoming a musician, practicing for Big Brother Nominations and stalking an ex partner.

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 *Yawn* when does the season start again?

The point is – World Cup is over and we must work hard to forget it.

“Good habits are worth being fanatical about.”  ― John Irving

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter