The Single Case

One of the reasons why human beings were placed on this earth (at least according to Christian Teaching) is so we (they) can multiply and fill the world. This essentially means that every human being has a role to play in the multiplication process. Prior to this multiplication process, there is meant to be some kind of mixing and matching that each person must go through to identify the person with whom they can easily, safely and successfully multiply.

There are those who take the multiplication a little too seriously and end up creating mini-armies of offspring bearing similar names and proudly calling one gentleman daddy. Then there are those who are somewhat constrained because of what Scientists call barrenness, infertility and sterility.

Generally speaking though, one can rightly assume that everyone must have someone who was created for them to multiply with. This then begets the question – why are some people still single?

As you think about the possibilities, allow me offer a few plausible reasons why this is the case.

The Universe is still watching you

If you are of age but are still single, it is possible that the Universe is still assessing what might occur if someone of the opposite sex were thrown at you as a life-long partner. And so it shall present you with people who you may end up dating but still break up with. This is all a test and once the universe ascertains that you are ready for a partner then you, my single friend, shall have a partner. It is also likely the universe does not trust you around any person of the opposite sex. To protect the human race, the universe must pull some strange moves like deny some people partners because they would otherwise set the human race several steps back if they got hooked. This may seem negative but here is the silver lining – the universe probably understands your expensive and unique taste and therefore is taking a while to find you the perfect match. People who find their match right away can be said to have cheap taste that can be figured out quickly. You are different. Wear that badge of honour with pride and glee.

????????????????????

YAY!!! I am single!

You’re too cool for the opposite sex

I know what everyone must be wondering at this moment. How does one become too cool for the opposite sex? I too have no idea. I just know that there are people who have chosen the single path because they feel like no one can handle their awesomeness. They may occasionally be seen in the company of people of the opposite sex but they will generally not want to be tied down by relationships, dating or marriage for that matter. Such people choose to remain single because they love their space, freedom and above all they don’t want anyone to tell them how they should leave their toiled seat. There are moments when they too get lonely and begin to scroll down their phoneboooks in search of a quick fix but this only happens on a few occasions and even then, they are usually half drunk and unaware of what they are doing. Such people will mostly be seen throwing sexist remarks around and acting like the opposite sex is nothing but a rag with which to mop the world. If you are one of such people then you can safely stay in your corner and wait to explain to the Universe why you have chosen to be cooler than everyone else.

You gat this

You feel like you gat this!

You lack the basic skills and qualities

This is probably the most brutal of reasons why single people still exist but is probably the most valid reason there is. You see, each human being has a set of skills that should help them survive in this world. Some however lack the set of skills to help them jump out of the singles’ zone. It is said that if you want people of the opposite sex to notice you and consider dating you the first thing you should do is put yourself out there. Well, I know people who have spent a fair share of their lives hanging themselves out for whoever cares to see but somehow no one has taken the bait. Now before one starts dismissing my allegation that they lack the skills and qualities, allow me forward an argument. Have you ever met good looking people who have everything going for them; except a good relationship? Well, I know many such people. As harsh as it may seem, I have come to the conclusion that such people lack the skills to help them find partners. No one wants an incompetent multiplication partner so it would be nice if you polished up on your skills as you attempt to find that partner. Read a few books here and there, talk to people back and forth and generally stop locking yourself up at home to play video games all weekend. Get out of the house!

window

Get out there and let them see you

Disclaimer

I am very confident that a number of single people are going to start hurling stones at me and calling me all sorts of names because I am making it seem like being single is a crime. Listen, being single is no crime. In fact, if you can, boast about it. Let the world see that no one is good enough for you yet and you are weighing your options and waiting for the Universe to throw a suitable partner your way. Go ahead and change your bio to ‘Too Cool for All of You’. While you are at it, wear your singlehood like a badge of honour. I say this because when the time comes for you to give up this badge of honour because you suddenly have to start sharing a bed with another human being every day of your life, then you will realize that being single wasn’t a very bad thing after all. When the time comes for you to quarrel over the toilet seat, the colour of curtains, the type of house and the name of your offspring then you will appreciate the Universe’s delay in finding you a partner.

team_single_

For now, sit back, relax and enjoy the single ride. After all, you are alone – there is no one to complain about the speed limit. Have a blast.

“I’m single because I was born that way.” ― Mae West

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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Four Wise Fools

For as long as the human race has existed, there has been a notion spreading from one generation to another about how women are complex and impossible to figure out. A woman is one big ball of confusion covered up in even more confusion and walking around spreading this confusion to any willing and unwilling human. The moment Eve devoured the forbidden fruit, lured her husband into sampling it, and then turned round to blame everyone and everything but herself, it became clear that woman had secured her position as the trickiest being alive.

The-Forbidden-Fruit-twilight-series-2634346-745-664

Where it all started!

Now, before females can pull out daggers, pangas, swords and vile words, I want to begin by stating that I am probably the last person in the world who would know anything about women. One would expect that since I am son to a woman, I have dated a woman and I do have a bunch of unruly sisters I should have some fair insight into women – WRONG. I am as clueless as any man on the face of the earth. However, I have a gang of four friends who insist that they have a grasp of what women really are all about.

Not-so-long-ago these guys and I sat down to try and figure out what women are really about. I was tasked to document (and eventually share) the opinions of these men who I shall call the Four Wise Fools – for obvious reasons. I shall present each wise fool’s opinion along with a brief background to the opinion giver.

Opinion Giver 1 – Kenneth (Not real name)

Kenneth has been married twice and has had his fair share of girlfriends. He is the oldest of the group at a whooping 46 and he is the most ‘experienced’ when it comes to women. With 1 extra marital relationship and 2 side dishes to his name, Kenneth proudly boasts of his years of experience with women. His opinion was therefore documented first.

Kenneth’s Opinion

Women are meticuously crafted beings whose sole purpose on earth is to suck all the happiness and pleasure out of men (there was a bit of emphasis on the sucking although we were not sure why; but we all laughed). They will pretend to like you just so they can get close to you and rip your heart to shreds – they do this ripping thing for fun. They may appear to be fragile, sensitive and vulnerable but really deep down they are rugged, pugilist and mercenaries sent by the gods to finish off men. One or two women might be genuinely nice but only for a while. Once they are in their flocks with other females, their true selves will emerge – vile, horrid and sadistic. When you have the chance to get with one, make it count; leave a scar.

WOMEN

Kenneth Reckons women are out for blood.

Opinion Giver 2 – Francis (Also not real name)

Francis is a fresh graduate, an enthusiastic young active man and a budding loverman. He is dating Martha (definitely not real name) and they have been together for about 2 years now. Martha is a model at a top Modeling agency but word has it that she also moonlights as an escort girl – something Francis vehemently denies. Francis prides himself in never having cheated on his girlfriend and is confident she has also never cheated on him.

Francis’ Opinion

Women are really not that hard to figure out. The secret in figuring out women is in not trying at all. You see, many men spend half their lives trying to figure out women and the other half regretting why they ever tried in the first place. The trick to staying with the same women for long is simple – never start a fight, always apologize even when you’re not in the wrong and never start an argument no matter how vindicated you may be. Never give a woman reason to be mad at you and you just might survive in this life. If by some mistake you make her mad, be quick to apologize for it and make up with mind blowing sex, some intimate one-on-one talk, an expensive shopping spree or something really wildly expensive like a trip abroad. Obviously if you cannot afford this the Universe has already tilted the odds against you but give it your best – sell your liver if you have to but always be ready to spend obscenely on her if you want to keep her happy. In short, spend on her and you are good to go.

money-and-women-are-the-most-sought-after-and-the-least-known-about-of-any-two-things-we-have

The two have so much in common 

 Opinion Giver 3 – James (can’t be real name or he’ll kill me)

James is a Youth Pastor at a prominent Church in this city. You will find him on any given day either reading the bible, talking about the bible or sharing a bible verse. He is as Christian as they come and is anxiously awaiting the second coming of Jesus Christ. The wait has been long but James will not waiver in his faith. He hopes to have sex (for the first time) when he gets married. Naturally no one believes he is a virgin but he swears by the King James Bible that he has never ‘known a woman’.

James’ Opinion

Women are special vessels created by God to help man grow and fill this world. Women are however not easy creatures to deal with. The Bible clearly states in Proverbs 31:30 that ‘Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.’ Therefore unless a woman fears the Lord, she is bound to turn out evil. In fact, most of the women of the world are complex because they walk in the ways of the world. Women of today also forget the Bible recommends that they play second fiddle to the men. In Colossians 3:18 the Bible is clear; ‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.’ Sadly, most women ignore this and it is why most of them are going to hell. Women waste their time and resources trying to look spectacular instead of seeking first the kingdom of God. Women are complex today because they have shunned the ways of God. All women are going to hell.

HELL2

Apparently women need to have this tagged onto them

Opinion Giver 4 – Derrick (Obviously also not real name)

Derrick is a simple guy who lives from hand to mouth. He earns just enough to sustain him and occasionally take a female to a low end bar for some happy hour drinks. Other than that, he really does not fancy spending on women. Derrick will buy 20 new belts before taking a random female out on a date. He is what most people would call stingy. He will only spend on a female when he is sure he is taking her to bed or if he has proven blood relations with her.

Derrick’s Opinion

Women are simply materialistic – that is all! They want this, they want that, they want the other… and what do they offer in return? They nag, demand, stress, complain and quarrel like their lives depend on it. Would it hurt for a woman to foot the bill every once in a while? Huh? Would it hurt for her to surprise me with an air-time scratch card of say 10k? Is that too much to ask. I do not date because women are like bad businesses. You get in there expecting profits, so you invest your whole life savings. Then what do you get? Two whatsapp messages in a day asking if you can send mobile money and finding out if you call back. Useless!! One day they will realise that this whole emancipation business is overated. I hate women!

woman-man-money-bills-cash

 

Women will put you out to dry in a second!

Note from the Blogger

 The views expressed in this Blog are not the Blogger’s views. As much as the Blogger is not well clued on women, the Blogger insists that the Four Wise Fools are only representative of a small chunk of men. There are men out there who have nice things to say about women. The Blogger is just sorry they were not part of the discussion on that day. The Blogger is however having a trip to Jinja this Weekend where he will meet a number of interesting people who promise to give insight on the same topic. There is hope that some decent words shall be said about women.

Book

In the meantime we’re studying them

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Taming Her 101

For a very long time, men have gotten a very raw deal when it comes to dating and relationships. Either they are blamed for being too absent minded during a romantic dinner or they are blamed for dozing off after just a few minutes of foreplay. Men tend to take most of the heat when relationships go south. Women on the other hand are experts. They are very good at mending things so they never really have mistakes lying around waiting to be uncovered. They read a lot of relationship literature, they discuss a lot (with other women) about relationships and they generally have all the tips and tricks at their finger tips – they are all-knowing when it comes to relationships.

While everyone is struggling to have women considered equal to men, I silently rally some of my buddies so we can rebel and attempt to change the narrative. You see, women have progressed in this matter known as dating, so much that when a man meets a woman, they have different time frames for their relationship. By the time the man makes up his mind to date the woman, the lady has already played out possible scenarios right from the first hello to the day when their kids will be born. Women think faster and they look further.

For this reason therefore, I have decided to share some secrets with fellow men. Some of these secrets are meant to help brothers ‘tame their women’ so that they too can have a chance in life. Since men are playing catch up, there is no harm is requesting women to stop reading right here, right now. So, gentlemen, here is my little insight on taming the lady 101.

Give it to her

As a man, it is your responsibility to make sure that the woman you call your better half is getting mind blowing sex. You are required by the Universe to make sure that once you and her are through with a sexual encounter, she can barely walk. Now before you go and maim a poor man’s daughter by bashing her knees with sticks so she can barely walk, you ought to remember that sex is the only weapon you should use. You can use this weapon not only to send shock-waves throughout her entire system but also to remind her that you are the real deal. If you are lousy in bed, there is no harm in secretly downloading a Kamasutra app and passing through it every now and again for tips. Women like good sex, they fancy explosive sex but they absolutely love good explosive sex. So don’t be shy, give it to her till she can practically has to crawl away from the bed. Even the courts of law will back a man who maims his woman through sex.

ManIf you have to hide your identity so you can up your game – go ahead!

Pamper Her

For the average man, the word ‘pampering’ is not a very good word to use when referring to the treatment a man should give a woman. However, if you are looking to keep your woman coming back to the four walls of your house, you better start to pamper her. Obviously folks with plenty of money will feel like they have a head start here but without necessarily bursting your bubble, the kind of pampering the woman needs is not so much material pampering.  Make her feel special. Refer to her as whatever confectionary comes to mind, call her any fruit you like and compliment her whenever you have an opportunity. If she recently said she will be going to the salon, when you see her after the salon, be sure to compliment her. Set a reminder on your phone if you have to. No matter how hideous her new weave looks, swallow a bitter pill and tell her she looks good. Forget what you have been told about telling the truth – Lie to the woman or she might lie with someone else. Many times you don’t applaud a woman because she genuinely looks dashing but rather because she put in quite a lot of effort – even though she may end up looking like a 96 year old Nigerian Demon.

wash feet

Occasionally wash her feet and you’ll be a keeper

Conversation

Women love talking mostly because they invented it. You see, a very long time ago, God created man. But since God and Man were not talking that much, God figured a third party should liven things up. Who better to spice things up other than the woman? Women are the owners of conversation and they love to exercise they gift of conversation. If you are not good at speaking, you better sharpen your listening skills because you will need to listen attentively. Occasionally refer to a story she narrated in the past; this ought to give her the impression that you actually listen. Women may not want to talk with men but rather to just know that men are listening. Turn off the game on TV, put your phone down, hide your Porn magazine and just listen to the woman. If you have to, practice with Joan, the waitress at your local bar. Perfect the art of smoothly sliding in and out of conversation without making it obvious what you are doing. Conversation counts for a lot.

stock-footage-businesswoman-shouting-through-megaphone-and-pointingNo matter how loud she may be, just listen!

Warning!!

One of the biggest mistakes that men make is to assume that all women are the same. This is something that usually screws all of us up. While some women are more interested in material things like several pairs of shoes and numerous hand bags, some are more interested in humour and conversation while some others just want good sex and nothing more. It is up to you to know what you are good at and flaunt it so that you are able to attract females who appreciate that exact attribute. That way, you do not have to worry about putting up an act just so you can get into her pants. It will come easy for you.

Disclaimer

This Blogger is no expert at relationship issues. In fact, he sucks so much at relationship issues that the last couple he gave relationship advice ended up turning gay. The guy decided he now liked guys and the lady decided she now preferred ladies. Therefore, no matter how convincing this Blog post might seem, take it with a pinch of salt – unless of course your relationship is very salty in which case you are doomed. Have a great week all the same.

“Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.”  ― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Follow @beewol on Twitter

Serpentine Valentine

As is the tradition with the human race, around this time of the year, there is a euphoria of sentiment spearheaded by individuals seeking to find validation for the otherwise meaningless relationships they are in. This attempt to seek for validation has been summed up in a custom that has now come to be known as Valentine’s day. True, there are several tales about how the day actually came into existence but the general idea is that on this day people can finally put into practice the several ‘I Love You’ allegations they have been making.

I_love_you_by_PambaThe time to make good on those words has arrived

To many people, Valentine’s day is a day to be sweet, romantic, loving, kind and extremely passionate to the person you claim to be in love with. While this is the general rule, there are some folks who are no less than serpents and their behaviour and code of conduct prior to, and on this day, is nothing short of demonic. They are out to make it terrible for the rest of humanity and since there is no Government legislation or UN ruling against people behaving like serpents, they go ahead to rip out people’s hearts left right and center all in the name of Valentine’s Day. Today however, we uncover these individuals who practice serpentine valentines.

The Brutal One

There are women who are out to fleece men and clean their bank accounts dry on Valentine’s Day. First, there is a promise they put out to the man – a promise that they just might give in to his advances. So she keeps him around at least until Valentine’s day. On this day, the man will take her out and foot all bills – hoping that this might as well be his last day of begging and imploring and spending way too much. At the end of the night after she has gobbled down 82,000 /- worth of food and drink and has depleted his account by a whooping 140,000/- in transport and other expenses, it becomes apparent that he might have to drop her off at her house. Her reason? Apparently ‘she wants to take it slow’. Serpent! If she wanted to take it slow, she should not have given him all these go-ahead signs that included the provocative short dress and delicious seasoning in the name of make up. Also, she would have probably turned down the expensive meal in favour of something simple and less expensive. It doesn’t get any more brutal than that.

Gold_digger_by_Lysol_JonesNational Gold Diggers Day 

The Two-timing One

The general trend with love and life is that men tend to have a liking for more than one female. While some men hold it off and stay true to one woman, some other men give in to the liking and pursue both. Women have since tipped the scales and are now in position to have two or more men too. A good number of women have actually made it their life’s plan to have more than one man and have each of them foot whatever bills come her way. On Valentine’s day she will spend half the day with one man and spend the other half with the other man. The one whose spending is more impressive will probably get to eat the proverbial cookie. Now if the cookie is going to go to the highest bidder, one may as well hang a price tag on her mid section so that everyone can know how much they must part with so they can get in on the cookie.

sb10064861z-001Beware – lest you get the shock of your life!

The Heartless one

Valentine’s day is a day when even the toughest and least emotional of people will give in to the confusion of love. It is a day when men prove to women how deep their love goes. And usually men do exactly that – they do all sorts of things to make the point clear. Occasionally a lady will smile and nod with gratitude or appreciation for the expensive dinner or dress. However there are those who will simply carry on like nothing happened. According to them it is the man’s duty / responsibility to do these things. They will keep reminding the poor man about how there are suitors waiting in line in case he does not up his game. As much as it may be true that the line behind him is long, there is really no need to give a brother too much pressure. Why be so heartless? Why?

the-avengersEven if the line has all these four waiting, there is no need for the pressure

The Social One

For the most part, a relationship is supposed to be an affair between two adults. At any one moment, only two people are supposed to know the details of, or to enjoy the benefits of a relationship. But of course there are instances where one of the people feels they need to share it with several other people. There are those females who have made it their life’s purpose to share details of their relationship with friends and family, so much that the man walks into a room full of her friends and they instantly start bickering – about him. Worse still, on this rather special day when it should be the two of them giving each other company, some of the females will show up with two other friends. And then the guy will have to foot an ugly bill because, well, he is being nice to his woman. And if she does not bring her parasitic friends along, she will spend half the time texting with those same friends. Your social skills are appreciated but how about some time for the man? He is footing the bill after all, the least you can do is give him some attention.

dATEPut the bloody phone down!

Go on and enjoy this week my friends. It is the week for lovers. And while there are many women who have been brutal and mean to men over the years, the same applies to men. This time round, make the day count, treat her nice, talk to her, make her smile and let Cupid’s arrows do the rest of the work for you. Enjoy the madness of Valentine’s day all of you. If like me you do not believe that much in Valentine’s day, you are welcome to join me on the balcony of this apartment called life. Let us watch the rest of humanity become gooey on each other. For those who are side dishes, there is a wonderful way to enjoy this Valentine’s day after all. Just read a piece that I wrote sometime last year : Power to the “Other Women” on Valentine’s Day

“If every lover was treated like they matter — everyday; valentine’s day wouldn’t be so ‘special.” – Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter