A fading pearl

When I was in my A’ Level, my literature teacher once took us through a strange lesson where he asked us to describe the country that we all know is Uganda. The exercise involved us describing Uganda as a human being, animal, inanimate object, celestial being or whatever our imagination conjured. After aggregating all our descriptions, it became apparent that we had discovered what Uganda looked like.

Uganda was described as a gorgeous female goddess with curvy posterior, full breasts, short hair, long searching legs and large round shy eyes. She’d look at you and instantly look away; afraid to pierce into your soul with her gaze. She was kind but stern, warm, charming and very friendly. She wore the simplest outfits but always looked the finest in the lot. Her singing was described as angelic and she had a well constructed form of speech.

african_girl_by_otunga-d4lx3st

African girl by Otunga

Sadly, over time, this woman has lost many of these attributes. Her breasts seem to have ‘fallen’into a sag and for her age there seem to be a few more wrinkles than expected. Her legs are still as long but she is not so keen to show them anymore, they carry a little too many scars from the various times she’s tripped and fallen. Her posterior has since turned from her greatest asset to her worst liability because the doctors say she needs to have it reduced; it’s too big for her frail body. Her eyes are more sunken than ever and her originally full lips are shrinking. Her hairline is strangely receding and she’s increasingly becoming agitated, distressed and moody.

With all this outward transformation going on, Uganda still has an inner beauty and splendour because goddesses never lose that.

Bringing the point home

Over the past few years, Uganda has burned hot and cold in her attempt to impress not just her own kinfolk but the entire world. For every good deed she registers, she seems to silently suffer a dozen setbacks. Without necessarily breaking down the insufficiencies that we as a nation are grappling with, any sane human being will admit that we are nowhere near we ought to be a country.

Not in the education sector, not in the health sector and certainly not in the transport sector. The tourism area isn’t any place we can say we have scored many points and neither can we claim to have a sizeable trophy cabinet in the sports department. Our economy is barely anything to write home about and our security, well, that is simply not anything to boast about.

Basically we are doomed, right?

Not quite. Strangely, with all these troubles eating at us from every direction, we continue to soldier on, mostly because the only other alternative is disappearing into oblivion – something I am sure we are not too keen to embrace. While all these unfortunate things happening around us, there are instances that put a smile on anyone’s face; a selfless and charitable act by a couple of youths here, a whistle blower shaming corrupt people there, a seemingly pointless sports victory in Nigeria, a growing telecommunication industry the other side – basically, our story is not all doom.

Lake Bunyonyi

We still have our natural appeal (www.roughguides.com)

Sadly, every day that passes, noble and well intentioned Ugandans lose their lives in circumstances that leave one wondering whether we are truly looking after each other well. Contrary to the insecurity song everyone might be singing right now, I would like to think that the recent wave of events (crimes) that occurred are a reflection of the kind of society we have become.

Breaking it down

Phionah Atukiriza, a resident of Bunamwaya in Wakiso District was on Monday night attacked by armed men who opened fire after she had tried to hold onto the bag they wanted to snatch from her. Phionah currently lies in Lubaga Hospital, bed-ridden and unable to carry on with her usual life anymore.

On the same day, Joan Kagezi, the top Ugandan state prosecutor in the trial of suspects of the 2010 Kampala suicide bombing which killed 76 people, was shot and killed a few meters from my doorstep in Kiwatule, a Kampala Suburb. She was with her family in the car.

A few hours later, gunmen showed up outside the residence of a wealthy businessman Steven Yiga somewhere in Mbuubi Zone, Lungujja, Lubaga municipality in Kampala. After a bout of heavy gunfire, three bodies were found in a pool of blood.

Without even being alarmist, any sane person will right away ask the question, “What the hell is going on?” And while it may be unfair to expect answers right away, seeing as investigations are going on with the different incidences, no one can claim to be unbothered by what is happening.

I am no security expert and I cannot begin to advance any theory to explain these events but I know enough to conclude that the gorgeous belle Uganda is twisting and writhing in untold pain – the Pearl of Africa is fading. She is becoming frail by the hour and her ability to hit high notes is waning.

Something ought to be done.

The tough questions

It is high time we as Ugandans started asking the vital questions about not just the security of our country but our entire well being as a nation.

Gone are the days when assailants carried sticks, toy guns or pangas. Nowadays they move around with guns. – Where are people getting all these guns?

People no longer steal and make away with only property, they want to take people’s lives as well.- Is this a reflection of what our society has become? Heartless, unbothered by murder and generally ready to end a life without much thought?

So many robberies (both armed and otherwise) are taking place in several neighbourhoods. – Have resources become so scarce, so much that we have taken it upon ourselves to enforce the ‘survival for the fittest’ theory?

Whenever a high profile murder occurs, we beef up security.- Do we always have to get hit first before we can be security conscious in our homes, workplaces and everywhere else?

ak-47.si

Where are all the guns coming from?

There are several questions that we ought to ask ourselves but the most important question of all is – are we going to simply look on as Uganda loses her ability to turn heads with her poise, glamour and beauty?

I’ll tell you what I’d like.

I’d like for this former beauty queen to regain her form, retake her position at the helm, reignite her passion for glamour and re-emerge as the Pearl of Africa that she truly is.

Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe. – Frederick Douglass

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

How to Live Forever

Before you even begin reading this little piece, I need to make a disclaimer: I am not a fortune teller, wizard or high priest of some dark twisted religion. I am simply but a mortal who has been on a lifelong hunt for some of the secrets of life. Obviously since I am not yet dead, we can all agree that my search is still going on. Along the way, I have tried to find out secrets for how to please a woman, how to evade taxes and not get caught, how to get a hug from Jessica Alba, how to doze through a date without your partner noticing and most recently, how to support the miniskirt without seeming like a pervert or flesh hungry man. All these things, I have taken my time to try and understand but the one thing I seem to have mastered is understand how to live forever. By now, I am sure you are wondering what exactly I mean. What I mean here is I have finally uncovered the secrets to living forever. In cat or dog years, forever could be 10 – 15 years, in the life of certain vegetables, forever could be 2-3 years and in the life of a human being, forever could be anything beyond 70 years. So, depending on what you are, you might want to take some time to see how you can live forever!

I present; the secrets to living forever (for human beings).

Talk to Will Smith, Alex Ndawula and Halima Namakula

These are the three people I have observed that do not age. Will Smith does not look a day older than he looked in 1997. The dude actually seems to be getting younger by the day. Whether Jada Pinkett has anything to do with this, I have no idea but this Bad Boy never seems to age. Coming closer to home, Alex Ndawula is probably the closest we shall have to immortality. This guy has been at his trade ever since my early childhood days in the early 90s. Fast forward to 2013, I’m a novice in the radio industry and for some reason; Alex is still rocking the airwaves like he did way back in the early 90s. If he were mortal, surely he would be elsewhere, probably managing a herd of cows and whistling away to Kool and the Gang music. And then take a look at Halima Namakula and her ageless face. True, it might have developed a few marks here and there but I’m confident those are because she constantly has to deal with Rachel K and her drama. Overall though, she looks quite young and in my opinion, she is probably going to live forever. If you can find audience with these people, you will be introduced to the idea how to live forever. I am personally working my way towards having a word with Alex just so I can know how the hell he is not enjoying his pension.

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Just look at this guy. What sort of witchcraft does he use?

Just Be a Woman

My personal research (not really research, just assumptions I have gathered and drummed up into fact over the years) has revealed to me that if you want to live forever, start by being a woman. Naturally, the women are wondering how the hell this even makes sense coz some of them feel like they are in their last days. I have reliably been informed that those monthly periods feel like the Armageddon so I can understand why some ladies would think their last days are near. However, smile ladies, for I am the bearer of good news – you are not dying anytime soon. You see, women are less likely to be in harm’s way than men are. This is not only a fact but a very painful fact. Why men have from time immemorial thought that they are immortal and therefore should constantly put themselves in harm’s way just so they can protect women, I have never figured out. It probably has something to do with the male ego and the natural order of things. But generally speaking, if you want to live forever, the male species is not one to be. If you are not flung to the frontline of a war that your country probably doesn’t even need, you will be a victim of a drive by shooting or worse still you could be like the Brazilian boy who died after masturbating 42 times in a row. Obviously women do not know how the hell this can happen but men secretly are looking up and counting how many times they have survived near death. This is what I am talking about. Men just cannot live for too long, let along forever.

Get Married Right Away!

People who are married are looking at this and thinking; he has figured us out! I did figure you lot out a while back you know. For the men mostly (this time men get the better deal), marriage is the best way to live forever. I shall explain why. When you are making those vows, during the peak of your otherwise long life, you are promising each other to be together till death do you part. What you do not know (or very conveniently chose to ignore) is that you have set your target. A few months into the marriage and you are already feeling like the entire thing was a waste of time and borrowed funds. However, the words ‘till death do us part’ will keep ringing back and forth in your mind; and then it will dawn on you, death is too far away. Forever begins to become a reality when you are safely into a few years of your marriage. You see pretty young girls strolling around with fine figures, exquisite accents and smooth skins and then you turn to your partner who has been by your side all this while and think “Forever is a damned long time!”. Congratulations sir – you are going to live forever. Now don’t go slit your partner’s throat so you can shorten “forever”. Settle down, open your sports magazine and indulge. You my friend are going to live forever.

Do not Under any circumstances ride on a Boda Boda

It may seem obvious that if you do not ride on a Boda Boda (or Boda B like my friend Grace likes to call it), you will live longer because, well, you are not exposed to accidents. It is much deeper and more profound than this! Boda B rides get you to your destination faster. This does not sit well with the aspect of living forever. Take your time in whatever you do. Be late as often as you possibly can because then events will be postponed a little more in your life thus giving you a chance to live on and on and on. The Universe knows this and it shall oblige. Riding on a Boda B usually keeps your heart racing and if there is one thing that a racing heart is susceptible to, it is a heart attack. Heart attacks do not only kill rich people who just received news that the stock prices have gone down. They also kill poor people who are rushing for an interview on a Boda B and die from the heart attack brought by the news that the interview is actually over. They equally kill people who ride on Boda Bs in the hope that they will reach some place, rob the rider and make off with their money and then things turn round, the Boda B man takes you through an unknown root, stops, takes all your money and leaves you for dead. So please stay away from the bodas if you would like to live forever.

2013_3$largeimg210_Mar_2013_095259327 stay as far away from these people as possible

Join the NRM with immediate effect

I made a vow to myself that I would not get into political jabber on this blog of mine and so before you FDC, Jeema and UPC people go all up in arms, please hear me out. I make the submission that only NRM people will live forever because; let’s face it – they have a clue about how ‘forever’ things work. If you were born after 1986, you will understand me better because it feels like forever since you last heard of another party in power. From the look of things, you should keep calm and just allow because forever is just getting started. Words like “another term” and “ekisanja” are words that are used by people who know how to and want to live forever. Maybe you folks in the opposition should pick a leaf and stop the “two term limit” nonsense. Forever is the way to go!

NRM

These guys here have probably existed from the days of early man and they will still be here long after we are gone

Be an Upcoming Artist in Uganda

Now if there is a group of people that will never leave the face of the earth, it is the upcoming artists in Uganda. These folks have been here and will be here until the ground probably gets angry with them, opens up and swallows them. I shall not point fingers at any upcoming artist for fear of jeopardizing their attempt at being immortal. These people start out as promising artists and for some reason, they never seem to fulfill their promises and so the Universe holds them to their word and will not let them go to the next level unless they fulfill the promises of their current level. Obviously if you are an upcoming artist, you have the inner hope that you will somehow eventually graduate into a full artist. Here is my advice – dump those dreams if you want to live forever. People whose careers leave the upcoming stage and go higher up the ladder often end up becoming super stars and then they get relegated to the books of history as if they never existed. You don’t want that now do you? The upcoming artist on the other hand, is always the supporting cast and therefore never really wears himself out. Seems farfetched? Well, how else would you explain Ross (not Rick but rather the Ugandan dude) making music for all those years and still being the artist who is invited to perform alongside other artists as the supporting cast? Those are tricks of immortality!

And for the Finish

You might have seen in papers, on blogs, in magazines on TV and even heard on radio that if you want to live long you need to eat well, sleep well, exercise regularly and do all those other boring things that normal people do. Well, I recommend otherwise. Do these things here and you my friend will live forever!

As usual, I shall leave you with a quote that you can chew on as you gather the guts to go live forever.

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” –  Groucho Marx

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol