Kla Lingo (Part 1)

Every community has got a code of conduct, set of unwritten rules and general way of life that guides and directs its dwellers. When visitors come to this community they are initially clueless about the way of life, until they receive orientation. Sometimes the orientation is brutal, other times it is very wonderfully presented.

One of the crucial parts of the orientation will include learning a few words and phrases that will help them survive being hacked to death for failing to figure out a thing or two in the local dialect. There are several words and phrases that one has got to learn when they visit Kampala. It is almost impossible to keep up but somehow one has got to think on their feet; you’ve got to touch down running.

For the next 3 weeks I shall be exploring a few of the words and phrases that one will most likely encounter when they are having conversation with an average middle class Kampala City dweller. Strap yourselves in and let us dive into the first of three parts of our exploration of the Kampala lingo.

Part 1 (A – H)

A – Another Rap

Uganda is one of the few countries to be blessed with a President who is not only a Vision bearer, cattle keeper, army man and problem solver; Citizen 001 is also a Rapper with profound skill and proficiency in the art of spitting rhymes. He may not have dropped an album or mixtape (yet) but rumour has it that he has made more sales from releasing one song than many people have made in 16 years of being upcoming artists. The demand for the Citizen 001 to release ‘another rap’ have prompted folks to coin this very brilliant two worded expression to infer that the big man is not yet done with his Rap Vision.

MUSEVENI

Mess Not with the Rap Qlik

Other A words / phrases – Aganaga, Amawulire ku TV, Amuru District, Ankole Cows, Akandwanaho Caleb, Amasiro

B – Bonna

Bonna is a Luganda word for ‘All of them’. This word, when added to several other words creates a situation of general happiness. Bonna Balye, Bonna Bagagawale, Bonna Bawangule, Bonna Banywe … these are all terms that are used to pull and pool people together for more comprehensive benefits. Naturally, the negative implications here would mean that phrases like Bonna Baffe, Bonna Baavuwale or Bonna Bagwe cannot be ignored. If Isaac Newton’s third law is anything to go by, for any action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Eatage

Bonna Balye

Other B Words / Phrases – Bebe Cool, Bagishu, Beera Feya, Binsangawano, Bungoma, Banyarwanda, Bulaaya

C – Colgate

There are several brands of toothpaste in the market today. However, for reasons yet to be discovered, a good chunk of Ugandans will refer to every brand of toothpaste as Colgate. Now, while this may create confusion for a visitor, the strange thing is that Ugandans understand what exactly they are referring to even without mentioning it specifically. For instance one will say ‘I’d like the Blue Colgate’. The attendant on the other end will not even think twice or blink; they will know which exact brand the person wants. Pure telepathy!

People at the gym

They are all the same!

Other C Words / Phrases – Cassava, Cranes yatusala, Chips, Chicken and Chaps, Chameleon, China phone.

D – Desirable

Now for those who are on social media, the word ‘Desire’ is not as desirable as it originally was (pun intended). Thanks to a certain singer / socialite / sexy goddess, the word now means something entirely different. With just one pose, the sexy goddess created a new word altogether. Today, when someone says a lady is desirable, it is likely he has already undressed her, made her flash the v sign between her legs with one hand, cover one of her boobs with the other arm and smile sheepishly at the camera. Most of this happens in the mind and is termed as ‘the Desire Pose’.

burning-desire

Other D Words – Dembe, Drake Sekkeba, Damaged goods, Dryness,

E – Emaali

Emaali is referenced from one of the local dialects in Uganda. It is a word in Ateso that refers to ‘money’ or ‘property’. A profound local band (Afrigo Band) once performed a song in which they sang about ‘Ayawun Emaali Ore’ which is translation for ‘bringing money home’. This song has gone on to become a traditional club banger as well as a nice way to start off a conversation with anyone from that side of the country. It is also probably one of the finest songs ever produced by a band in Uganda. It is also one of the only five or six words of Ateso that people who aren’t from Teso know.

Other E Words – Eshabwe, Etofali, Epolon, Electricity thieves, Empako yawe, Emergency Door

F – Ffene

Probably one of the tastiest fruits on the planet. Most people around the world call it Jackfruit but in Kampala you will most likely be understood faster if you called it Ffene. This fruit is sold in various forms. Some people sell it as a whole, the way it comes off the tree, others split it and sell it in smaller bits while others go further to remove the seeds and sell it ready to consume. It has several health benefits including bettering your sense of humour. This is why half the people in Kampala are hilarious.

Jackfruit

Other F Words / Phrases – Filimu ya Massai, Fina, Ffe mwe mwe ffe, Father Musaala, Family Planning.

G – Gavumenti Etuyambe

Ugandans have in the recent past attempted to attract the attention of the Government on a number of issues. These issues have stretched from big and serious like the economy and health to minor and small like bad breath and unfunny comedians. Basically whenever a Ugandan feels disgruntled in any way, there will be a silent (or very loud) cry of ‘Gavumenti Etuyambe’. Naturally the Gavumenti has been hesitant to involve itself in some of these cries because many of them are really trivial, nonsensical and plain ridiculous. However, the cry is simply a sign of bigger problems – the people think their Gavumenti should start actually kuyambaring (helping) it’s people.

Gavumenti

Other G Words / Phrases – Global Fund, Gulu, Gyobera gyembera, Gombe, Gunyuma kiro, Generals.

H – Halo

98% of telephone conversations in this beautiful city will start off with the word ‘Halo’. People in other parts of the world will probably say ‘Hello’ or ‘Hi’ or anything else. In Uganda, it seems like on purchasing a mobile phone, the first agreement one has got to make is that they will answer each and every phone call with the word ‘Halo’. The courtesy that Ugandans have is so profound that even if someone was calling to insult or abuse you, they will start off by saying ‘Halo’. Very well behaved people.

Other H Words / Phrases – Hajjat / Hajji, Honourable, House party, House warming, Hot Katogo.

Next week we shall have Part 2 (of 3) of the Kla lingo. Until then, keep it together and please do not be a victim of language barrier in Kampala.

“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.” ― George Orwell, 1984

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Swimming with Blue Whales

One of these days, I am going to start taking swimming lessons.

First of all, I am not a fan of water; in fact, I hate it. I shower once or twice everyday but I stay away from bathtubs, swimming pools, ponds, lakes, rivers, waterlogged potholes, seas, oceans and all other water places that may come to mind. Psychologists and medical experts with fancy titles often refer to people of my kind as suffering from Aquaphobia – a persistent and abnormal fear of water. It is therefore likely that I will not be auditioning for the role of Aquaman for DC Comics.

Whey then do I need swimming lessons?

Keep up – this is what I am explaining.

Arrival of an email                

Early last week, I received an email informing me of my nomination for the Social Media Awards. The email explained that I had been nominated in the category of ‘Most Influential Personality’ on social media in Uganda. I was euphoric and nearly screamed out loud but because I was in a taxi with a whole lot of clearly disinterested people, I figured I’d keep it in till I got to the office. When I got to the office, I re-read the email and then the euphoria turned to something akin to panic.

baby-met-laptop

I had to re-read the email several times to be sure

You see, I had been nominated alongside names that would ordinarily make anyone shriek and squeal uncontrollably because of extreme fear and twitchiness.

I will tell you a bit about these people later on.

Twist of Events

Having previously been a winner in the Bloggers’ category of the Social Media Awards, I figured that if any nomination was to come my way, it would be in the same category. Therefore seeing my name in a different category somewhat shook me to the core. However, knowing that there are many awesome bloggers out there, I imagined this time I did not cut it and I swallowed that with a gulp. I know most (if not all) the nominated bloggers and I can attest to the fact that they are all deserving nominees. And this is partly how I was able to wrap my mind around the fact that I had failed to make it to the list.

Now about the Whales

When I eventually settled in the office to look at the list of who else had been nominated in the various categories, I found myself drifting back to the ‘Most influential Personality’ category. This was not just because it was the category in which I am nominated but because of the names therein. The whole time I was looking at the nominees, I had to pinch myself over and over – to remind myself that my nomination was/is real.

The ocean is filled with various types of water creatures but none is as big as the Blue Whale (Balaenoptera physalus). The list of nominees was a pod of huge, superfast, legendary and out-of-this world Blue whales along with a little happy dolphin – myself.

Blue Whale

The blue whale is the largest mammal

How so?

Well, I shall shed a little light on the other nominees.

Amama Mbabazi is the proverbial Blue Whale that is the head of the pod. As a former Prime Minister, Minister for Security, Secretary General of the NRM and current MP for Kinkiizi West constituency in Kanungu District, it is likely that more Ugandans know him than all my friends and relatives combined. Experts from NASA have often wondered why aliens know him even though they have never made official contact with human beings.

The second Blue Whale, Qataha Raymond, is actually a close friend. Raymond, is one of the finest journalists I have come across in East Africa. He has worked with several media houses and prides himself in having contacts that go from here to mars. Anyone who is anyone knows this guy. Raymond and I have played foosball together, watched games where Arsenal loses to Man United, been to house parties together and done a lot of charity together and I can safely say he is a big wig. He knows the phone numbers of wealthy people, army men, beautiful girls and powerful lawyers off the top of his head.

The third Blue Whale is Esther Kalenzi, the brain, heart and soul of 40 Days Over 40 Smiles. Also a personal friend, a big dreamer and achiever, she is one of the most passionate people I have ever met. Humble, down to earth and abnormally compassionate, this girl is the definition of a winning woman. She loves and cares with no limits. I know a bunch of people who have confessed to joining charity because of her – I am one of those people.

The fourth Blue Whale is Andrew Mwenda – the old man of the Clan. This guy has epitomized the struggle for freedom of speech in Uganda and is part of the reason why many people can comfortably hurl insults at the regime. Mwenda is one of the most accomplished Ugandan journalists, he is a founder and owner of The Independent and a celebrated Community activist against Aid to Africa.

The fifth Blue Whale is Simon Kaheru. Now if you are on social media and you don’t know Simon – you need to repent because you are a sinner. He is a professional communicator with the ability to communicate anything to anyone with extreme ease, finesse and profound results. Tales are told of how he once gave a speech in bold italics with a strangely large font size. He doesn’t just think outside the box; he often throws the box out of the window just so he can think better.

Challenge Accepted

As a dolphin being ushered into the swimming game, I have decided to do the honourable thing and accept the challenge to swim with the Whales. I may not be the biggest fan of water but at this moment in time, I will be the dolphin that simply enjoys the ride alongside the Blue Whales.

humpbackwhaleanddolphin

Whales and Dolphins can be good friends too

Ladies, and Gentlemen, let the swimming games begin.

Click the link below to vote for the sea creatures that you think deserve the nod.

www.socialmediaawards.ug

 The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it – Jacques Yves Cousteau

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Spicing it Up

If you have played video games before, you know that a cheat code is something that gives you an upper hand against either the computer or the other player. It makes you powerful, untouchable and nearly unbeatable.

You probably aren’t that much into video games and are wondering where I am going with this, right?

You see, in the world of employment, there are certain situations when someone has been working at a job for a period of time and then they begin to feel like they are suddenly stuck in some kind of stagnation. One of the reasons why this is happening is because you are bored by the job. You sign into work at 9am, stare at your desktop, get your work done, sign out, go home, come back the next day and the sucky routine continues.

How about spicing up your work and elevating the game? If you have a job that seems to be boring, I am here to help you with some crack codes that will not only spice up your job but also make you love your job more than ever before.

Allow me to share some of them with you.

Whatsapp Groups

Everyone knows that whatsapp is the new frontier for gossip and exchange of data and time consuming videos and audios. Start up a whatsapp group for the office. Make sure you are the admin of this group so that you can add and remove people at will. When you have set up this group, let the members share all nonsense and rubbish and encourage them to post compromising and probably unwise things when they are drunk. It is likely some of them will make confessions that you can then laugh at during the lunch break at work. You can be sure that after a night of wild partying where your line manager has posted pictures of himself in a compromising position with a side chic everyone will look forward to turning up for work the next day. With an office whatsapp group, it is easy to spread around rumours without having to leave your desk. What a relief!

WhatsappThose office whatsapp groups can be fun

Temple Run Gaming Challenge

If you have ever owned a smart phone, you are likely to have heard about a game known as Temple Run. It is a game where some random dude runs around jumping over and uder things in an attempt to collect coins and basically stay alive. Start a Temple Run challenge at work and make sure all your workmates are involved. Take turns to play the game and compare notes during the lunch break. You can be sure that the competition will trigger off some kind of euphoria that will have individuals clamouring to beat the high score every other day. It may not be Temple Run; it could be the Descipable Minions game – the one that consumes quite a lot of your phone memory. Then there is Matatu – the official game for Ugandan gamblers. Basically there are a whole lot of games you can embark on to get the office riled up about competition. Create some kind of score board where you keep tabs on who is top and who is bottom. It is likely that this will motivate everyone to up their game and improve their high score on a daily basis.

Notice boardPut the high scores on the noticeboard

Be A Hero or a Villain

Every work place has got its heroes and villains. The heroes are the guys who everyone wants to be around. They are the ones who everyone wants to be seen with and they are often the ones who have the most groundbreaking ideas. They are usually the smartest, and their opinions weigh quite a lot. Then there are the villains; they are the other end of the equation. They will say and do anything unbothered by whatever ripple effects it may have. They have been summoned in the Manager’s office a few times already and are currently on the list of those likely to be laid off. Make the decision to be one of these individuals. Depending on what your proficiency really is, you will find your life at the office more interesting and a little spicier if you are either a hero or a villain. As a hero, you will have people hoping you check in early and wanting to be on your team at all times. You will have management trying to appease you so that they can get you on their side too – this is bound to make your job awesome. Obviously as the villain your life will always be on the edge – never sure that you have the job for the long haul, always boldly and loudly questioning management decisions thus being refered to as a rebel, putting yourself in harm’s way and basically living life to the fullest. Either way, you are on the right path to spicing up your job.

heroRise up to the challenge!

YouTube Addictions

If your workplace is one of those awesome places where YouTube and other social networking sites are not blocked then you are in business. If you are a regular on Comedy Central, you probably know about Key and Peele. Yes – those two hilarious guys are the reason many work places have banned YouTube because once you start on their videos, it is likely you will waste away several hours of your otherwise busy day. Open a link and have it hidden away somewhere on your PC then feast your eyes and ears to the stupidity and madness that these guys exude. Just make sure management does not realise you are spending more time on Key and Peele than you are on your actually office work. There are a few other addictive YouTube accounts you can check out for good measure. Look for those Epic Fail videos and enjoy some non-stop rib cracking laughter.

addictionLoad up on the addiction

Other Crazy Things  

In my Arsenal of crazy things there are so many things one can do to make their job a little more interesting. Apart from the ones already mentioned, one can send out strange and scary emails to workmates, they can make threats about possibly quitting and they can even flirt with superiors. At the end of the day it is imperative that you do not leave your job to become boring or else you risk becoming a boring person yourself.

quitTry out a few pranks

I hope you don’t get fired.

“Always be smarter than the people who hire you.” ― Lena Horne

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

The 2015 Strategy

If you have not looked at your calendar, watched TV or been on social media for the past few weeks, you can be forgiven for thinking that we are still in 2014. You see, between last year and this year, not much has changed. Museveni is still the president of the Banana Republic, Justin Bieber still gets followers on Twitter and women still get monthly periods. Basically, everything is still the same. That being said, you must be brought to speed on a number of things.

2015It is a new year

First of all, we are now in a new year which for purposes of uniformity with the rest of the world we shall call the year 2015. Secondly, there are a number of people who did not make it past 2014 and so you my friend are one of the lucky few who did not die of Ebola, Terror attacks, suicide or sex deprivation. You are alive.

The other thing you need to know right now is that people all over the world are busy scribbling down what we like to call ‘New Year Resolutions’. These are basically plans and expectations you have for the New Year and they are usually inspired by a failed former year or a night of excessive drinking followed by truckloads of regret. Just like most people, I too have resolutions for this New Year and whether or not you are interested, I will share them.

I vow to watch what I write

It may seem like Uganda is a country blessed with massive freedom of speech and expression so much that almost everyone can own a blog, Twitter account, Facebook account and printing press and be able to spew all kinds of information. However, history has taught us that many people have ended up behind bars because of what they have written. Some have written letters that have had whole media houses shut down. Others have written Blog posts that have had them picked up by special unit operatives and others have written status updates on Facebook that have lost them jobs. Basically, the things we write impact a lot on our lives. For this reason, I am keen on watching what I write. Whether it is an innocent entry in my newly acquired 2015 journal or a text message to a friend in Australia or New Zealand, I will watch what I write. I don’t want to be the victim of some media house shut down.

wordsPick your words wisely

I will watch what I eat

I don’t have the biggest body so this might come off as somewhat unnecessary. However, I am very keen to watch what I eat this year. Last year, I ate some really messed up things. None of them had much effect on my weight as I have been and probably will remain a slim dude. They affected me in other ways other than those expected. For instance, a number of the things I ate sent me several miles in financial wilderness for reasons that I could have easily avoided. You see, when people want to meet up at an exotic restaurant in Kampala, the assumption is that each person will foot their bill; unless of course the entire event is being bankrolled by a certain sangoma who wants a close friend of yours. The lesson I learnt last year was that no matter how juicy the plot, I shall not show up and order anything unless I can comfortably pay for it. I don’t want to order for something that will leave me staring at my wallet in disbelief and utter shock. This probably means I will have to pay up my old bill with the Rolex guy near my place so we can start on a clean slate. It also means I will be visiting friends more and more to cut down on the food-buying expenses. Oh and it also means I will have to set up a timetable for when to eat what. One must not opt for expensive Javas food if one can get cheap food from Jass the food lady. Also, one must cut down the number of meals a day from two to one.

"Waiter, I think you've mixed my bill up with someone who's buying the restaurant."

I don’t want surprises

Joining the MGTOW Movement

I hope my dad misplaces his glasses when he cues up this Blog Post for reading because this is not something I want him to read. I have never been married before and I hope it stays that way – at least for a while. The MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) movement is nothing political (so please Mr. Museveni, you can breathe a sigh of relief), and neither is it a religious movement (so no competition for you pastors, relax). MGTOW is basically a statement of self-ownership. It is a scenario where a man polishes, preserves and protects his own sovereignty holding it over and above everything else. It is the clear refusal of the bogus preconceptions, stereotypes and cultural definitions of what a “man” is. It is a mind frame where one does not look for validation or acceptance from the society or from social cues. A man does not bow, will not serve and refuses to kneel for those who treat him like he is some kind of item that is used and thrown away. This, my dear friends, is the cult I will be joining this year. Women, stay clear of this brother.

maxresdefaultWomen have been warned

Try to offend fewer people

I have often offended a bunch of people because of the things I do, the words I speak and some of the Blog posts I put up. Heck, I am sure some people are even offended by the mere fact that I am breathing. This year I plan to cut down the number of people I offend. If some of those I offended last year end up in body bags, so be it. What matter is that by the end of this year I should have a shorter list of people I offend. I read somewhere that the more successful one becomes, the more people they offend. Well, I am planning to reverse the trend and become more successful while offending fewer people. What fun is there in following in other people’s footsteps? I will be the first person to succeed while offending the fewest people.

happyThe point is to try and make as many people happy as possible

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language. And next year’s words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.” (Little Gidding – Four Quarters) –  T.S. Eliot

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

2014 Recollection

At the end of each year there are traditional things that every likes to do. Some love to review the year that was and hope for a better year that will be. Others just like to sort of ignore all the bad things that might have happened in the year ending and focus on the memorable things that happened in the year. At the end of last year I put up a Blog Post titled ‘Big Plans for 2014’ with a massive sense of anticipation and optimism. Of course I set the bar a little high but I somewhat am thankful that I did because this year I really did push myself to the limit.

push-it-to-the-limit_20120418172749

I did away with the excuses

I have been blogging for a while now and I’d like to think that even if I am not the finest blogger out there I have a near addiction to the practice. This year I have been lucky to have the readership for my Blog increase and I have also had the chance to be able to encourage a few other people to join the Blogosphere.

As someone who traditionally updates this Blog Post on a weekly basis, I have been faced with a bunch of challenges that have nearly made me rethink my strategy. However, I have somewhat had to overcome these challenges with or without encouraging words from those around me. When you set out to do something and the people around you expect no less, it begins to become a responsibility that you willingly shoulder no matter what happens. There were instances this year when I thought I would skip posting on at least one or two weeks. There were moments when I felt like I should let the whole posting-every-week thing rest and probably post once in two weeks or even one a month. However, I did manage to hold onto my resolve and keep up the weekly posts; which in all honesty is no mean feat.

High-five-with-myself-gifHere’s to me

This year, I have realised with extreme joy and profound encouragement that a number of people have taken to blogging. While I am one who loves updating my Blog every week, I also love to get lost in other people’s blogs. I love to read other people’s writings and this past year has seen me get lost more often than not. True, some Blog posts could do with some proofreading and others could do with fact checking but overall, the enthusiasm for Blogging in 2014 has been quite fantastic. It is a good thing to know that a number of Ugandans are sharing their experiences and opinions through Blogging. It warms my heart to see a number Ugandans take to Blogging because then it means we shall have more readers, I think.

blogging

Let’s all Blog; shall we? 

When I started out Blogging a few years back, I did it with the understanding that someday one or two people would take to Blogging too because of the inspiration they drew from my own experience. In 2014 a number of individuals intimated that they too had taken to Blogging because they always felt they had the talent but just needed some kind of pushing here and there. If my own consistency challenges and urges another person to regularly update their blog, I feel honoured and thankful that after all, my blogging is not going to waste.

This Blog might not be the most insightful, it may lack in humour and heck, it may occasionally be utterly meaningless but I am thankful because it gives me a sense of responsibility, duty and it makes me feel alive. Oftentimes, I am up to my neck in  duties and responsibilities where I work so much that Monday comes around and I can barely get a second for myself or the blog for that matter. Despite this, I have still been able to put up a blog every week without feeling aggreived. I have often had the dream that if a week passed by and I did not update this Blog, the world would stop spinning – not everyone else’s world; just mine. Many of the experiences I have had this year have somewhat ended up in this Blog Post either inferred or directly reported. While some people are addicted to Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or keeping journals, I am addicted to Blogging. And for quite honestly I can confidently say that the addiction is not about to end anytime soon.

As already mentioned, my last blog post last year was titled ‘Big Plans for 2014’ and in that blog post I mentioned a few interesting things I had lined up for 2014. This time round, I have no big plans for 2015. However, I am sure that I will still be interested in staying alive, making a little more money and winning over a few more people to the Blogging world.

I shall therefore take this moment to wish everyone who has read this Blog this year a wonderful start to the new year and a blessed resolution-making January. I shall be looking forward to pushing the limits even further in 2015 and imprinting my name on the minds of anyone who reads this blog.

word cloud for year 2015

Happy 2015

Thank you for being such awesome readers.

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

The Happy Ones

In this round world that never seems to stop spinning, everyone likes to feel like they are on top of things. Now before anyone’s mind can take residence in the gutter I’d like to clear the air by adding that I am not referring to the person-on-top sexual thing. Although I am specifically intrigued by the positions of human beings during coitus, it is with profound seriousness that I distance myself from such thoughts at this moment in time. Right now I am talking about being in control and having things go your way; I am talking about happiness. We all like to be happy and even though many of us eventually die, perish and are forgotten without even getting a whiff of happiness, it is safe to say that we all crave that sweet pill.

happiness wordleThe Perfect Craving

A great man once told me that the true mark of happiness is the ability to infect others with this happiness. (The man I am referring to is my dad and YES – he is a great man). According to this wise man, if people around you cannot see, feel or benefit from this happiness then you may as well go back to the drawing board. Happiness is not supposed to be selfish; it is supposed to be communal. People might pretend to be happy, wear happy faces, sing happy songs but silently waste away with sadness because they have refused to share their happiness.

After being on this earth for a little while, I have learnt that happiness is almost an exclusive concept and not too many people can boast to have it. There are a few people who in my opinion enjoy real happiness because they know nothing else.

There are however some who know nothing but happiness, not just because they appear happy but because they spread this happiness around – often times at no cost. I present a few of these special folks.

  1. Little Children

There is no doubt that little children are extremely happy creatures. They are oblivious to things like global warming, taxation, wars, leaked nudes, Ebola and famine. They simply live – happily. How they manage to do this, no one knows yet – which is a bit strange since we were all once children. When a child has just been born, they usually send out a tiny little cry to alert the world that they have arrived. They simply pop out and begin to enjoy the free oxygen out here. During their infant years, they demand for things, they are totally destructive and they are generally a nuisance but always get away with it because they simply don’t give a rat’s ass. The happiness that these little fellas enjoy is the kind that cannot be faked or worn as a mask because it is real. The simplest of things make them extremely happy and one does not need to be a psychologist to know that a little child is happy. They never complicate things like women who will tell you they are happy while holding daggers to your back or relatives who will appear happy yet they are secretly counting down to when R.I.P is added to your name so they can enjoy what you leave behind. Little children in my opinion are the happiest creatures on this universe.

BrilliantWise words from Yogi Bhajan

  1. Drunk People

When looking at the list of happy people, drunk people come in at a close second. The only difference between the happiness of little children and that of drunk people is that drunk people’s happiness is somewhat unpredictable, often relative and ocassionally annoying. You see, drunk people tend to be overly happy and excited, so much that they end up losing the plot and stepping on the toes of one or two people. A story is told of a fairly wealthy man in Kampala who tends to drink, get happy, and buy drinks for whoever is within a five meter radius. This obviously comes off as boastful to some but it is something that the rest of us gladly welcome with open arms and empty beer mugs. Such wealthy and generous people define true happiness. If one becomes happy and can not make another person happy, they may as well shove their happiness up their backside. A bit harsh? You bet! And this is why drunk people rank at Number two. They need not be prompted to spread their happiness. They will volunteer to share their happy stories with you, and they may share a little more than they ought to, all in the name of happiness – but who cares? What a wonderful lot of people!

DrunkGospel Truth 

 

  1. Radio Presenters

This is probably going to come as a surprise to many people but radio presenters are some of the happiest people I know on earth. I know this not just because I am one, but because I live around them every day of my life and I see how hilarious and happy their conversations can be. These guys will live crappy lives, be bogged down by loans, have issues of ex-partners and basically be up against the wall in troubles but you will never know this by listening to them. They make their listeners happy without even being prompted. Naturally, they are wired to be perfect actors and to spread happiness despite what may be going on their own lives. What about TV Presenters? Yeah, what about them? I’ll tell you what – they suck! TV presenters are not even half as awesome as radio presenters when it comes to sharing happiness. They often makeup way too much and try too hard to come off as happy even when you can tell from their faces that they are probably hungry or poorly paid. Is this blog about radio presenters vs TV presenters? Probably not; but hey, this shoe seems to fit quite perfectly. Anyway, forget those pretenders.

Back to the subject. Radio Presenters are happy people who do not bash TV Presenters when they have the chance.

From a very young age, I always wanted to be a radio presenter and even when it seemed like my dream was meeting hurdles in the form of lack of opportunity and having a rather uncool voice, I still felt like it was my destiny to be on air. And today, while I may still not have the coolest voice or be the most interesting person on radio, it is safe to say that I am certainly one of the happiest persons around.

responsible-for-my-own-happinessI run things on my own!

They say one can be happy if they decide to be and I have kind of made the decision to be happy. I can no longer enjoy the happiness that children enjoy and neither can I rely on the happiness that drunkards enjoy because that is only momentary and usually ends in a deathly hangover couple with strange messages in the sent folder along with several unexplained body injuries. This therefore leaves me with one option – happiness born out of being a Radio Presenter.

“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” ― Abraham Lincoln

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Tearing Down Walls

A long time ago when the German Democratic Republic (GDR, East Germany) was running affairs in Germany, there was something known as the Berlin Wall. This wall was constructed to completely cut off West Berlin from East Berlin. With a ‘death strip’, several vehicle trenches and guard towers to patrol the wall, there was little chance that anyone would run away from the Communist East’s fascist tendencies.

On the evening of 9th November 1989, people who were referred to as Mauerspechte (wall woodpeckers) started the work of bringing down this wall and in the days and weeks that followed the demolition took on a more serious trend. The wall covered an entire 155 Kms (96 miles) although just about 3 or 4 kms of it still exist to this day.

Berlin wall

A visitor peeks through a still-existing section of the Berlin Wall into the so-called ‘death strip,’ where East German border guards had the order to shoot anyone attempting to flee into West Berlin at the Bernauer Strasse memorial on Aug. 5. (Sean Gallup/Getty Images)

Yesterday (9th November 2004) about 8,000 helium balloons were released into the night sky over Berlin at the culmination of events held to mark the 25th anniversary of the fall of this terrible Berlin Wall.

Now while this may sound like a proper lesson in History, I would like to highlight that I am no expert at History even though I am a very ardent student. The reason why I bring up the issue of the Berlin wall is because even in our lives today, we have several walls that need some kind of crushing and breaking down. These walls have been constructed over the years by ourselves and even without trying so hard, we have created a world that is more divided that it ought to be.

It is high time we brought down some of the ‘Berlin walls’ that have been a part of the human race for quite a long time.

The Racial Walls

It is rather unfortunate that in this day and age when the world is more intertwined and interlinked than ever before we still have people who see and rate people based on their skin colour. It may be true that some of us are a darker shade than usual and we may have trouble being noticed at night but that does not make us any less of human beings. A close friend recently returned from a trip to Texas in the United States and they narrated an ordeal that simply left me aghast. Turns out that even in 2014 there are people who think one race is inferior to another. Even when evidence clearly indicates that all races have similar abilities but are only constrained by external factors, certain people continue to front the assertion that some races are mentally inferior. All human beings are just but one perishable form of flesh. We all have the same kind of blood and our brains and other organs are not any different. These racial walls that still exist even when a black man like myself can have a white girlfriend like Jessica Alba defeat my understanding. Wake up guys! Racial walls need to be torn down yesterday!

kidsTruth!

The Gender Walls

As the human race continues to go through stages of evolution (I am told the process never stops), it becomes more apparent that there are things about men and women that are no longer the way they used to be. For instance, several decades ago, one had to work hard to make the choice whether to take three, four or five wives. Today, one has to struggle even to get oneself just the one wife. Women are now more in control and they seem to be doing a good job steering the world in the right direction. Women have gotten in spaces where they previously only dreamed of and from the look of things, it is benefiting both sexes. Why then would any sane person want to continue putting up gender walls even after women have displayed that they are no less able that men are to execute the various duties that we so much hold onto. And while still on the subject of gender walls, why should people continue to look at women as the weaker sex? I personally think women are not a weaker sex; they are just a different sex. This means that while we (men) may do certain things better than the women, there are other things that women will do without even batting an eyelid and we’d probably need three lifetimes to even get started.

menListen to these wise words

Sexual Walls

Now listen guys; sex is a beautiful thing that happens between two human beings (preferably consenting adults). Why then should we pretend like it does not happen? Why should we consider evil anyone who mentions anything about sex? Why should we put up sexual walls to hide away this information from people who would otherwise need it? I have a good friend Marianne who has taken quite a bit of time to Blog about sex and how it is an awesome thing. I admire her because she continues to challenge people to get out of their shells and share their sex experiences. Divorces are happening today partly because people do not share their sex experiences and so they jump into the activity unaware of what expectations, realities and truths they are faced with. If we tore down the sexual walls and started to talk freely about sex, it would give everyone a better understanding of how they need to go about sex. I know one or two people might have an issue with this because the world is filled with underage people, perverts and sex hungry maniacs. Despite this, I still feel like refusing to talk about sex because of perverts and underage people is like refusing to drive because one fears getting into an accident. Do it well and you will have nothing to worry about.

SexRemember that Salt-N-Pepa hit song?

Everywhere you go, there are walls that are set up and need Mauerspechte to break them down. Whether or not one is able to summon the energy and resolve to actually begin bringing down these walls is up to each of us. I play my part by making noise about it through this Blog and through Twitter. Are you doing your part? And what ‘Berlin walls’ have you put up in your life? Break them down!

reagan

“Mister Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” – US President Ronald Reagan in a speech at the Brandenburg Gate on June 12, 1987.

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter