A fading pearl

When I was in my A’ Level, my literature teacher once took us through a strange lesson where he asked us to describe the country that we all know is Uganda. The exercise involved us describing Uganda as a human being, animal, inanimate object, celestial being or whatever our imagination conjured. After aggregating all our descriptions, it became apparent that we had discovered what Uganda looked like.

Uganda was described as a gorgeous female goddess with curvy posterior, full breasts, short hair, long searching legs and large round shy eyes. She’d look at you and instantly look away; afraid to pierce into your soul with her gaze. She was kind but stern, warm, charming and very friendly. She wore the simplest outfits but always looked the finest in the lot. Her singing was described as angelic and she had a well constructed form of speech.

african_girl_by_otunga-d4lx3st

African girl by Otunga

Sadly, over time, this woman has lost many of these attributes. Her breasts seem to have ‘fallen’into a sag and for her age there seem to be a few more wrinkles than expected. Her legs are still as long but she is not so keen to show them anymore, they carry a little too many scars from the various times she’s tripped and fallen. Her posterior has since turned from her greatest asset to her worst liability because the doctors say she needs to have it reduced; it’s too big for her frail body. Her eyes are more sunken than ever and her originally full lips are shrinking. Her hairline is strangely receding and she’s increasingly becoming agitated, distressed and moody.

With all this outward transformation going on, Uganda still has an inner beauty and splendour because goddesses never lose that.

Bringing the point home

Over the past few years, Uganda has burned hot and cold in her attempt to impress not just her own kinfolk but the entire world. For every good deed she registers, she seems to silently suffer a dozen setbacks. Without necessarily breaking down the insufficiencies that we as a nation are grappling with, any sane human being will admit that we are nowhere near we ought to be a country.

Not in the education sector, not in the health sector and certainly not in the transport sector. The tourism area isn’t any place we can say we have scored many points and neither can we claim to have a sizeable trophy cabinet in the sports department. Our economy is barely anything to write home about and our security, well, that is simply not anything to boast about.

Basically we are doomed, right?

Not quite. Strangely, with all these troubles eating at us from every direction, we continue to soldier on, mostly because the only other alternative is disappearing into oblivion – something I am sure we are not too keen to embrace. While all these unfortunate things happening around us, there are instances that put a smile on anyone’s face; a selfless and charitable act by a couple of youths here, a whistle blower shaming corrupt people there, a seemingly pointless sports victory in Nigeria, a growing telecommunication industry the other side – basically, our story is not all doom.

Lake Bunyonyi

We still have our natural appeal (www.roughguides.com)

Sadly, every day that passes, noble and well intentioned Ugandans lose their lives in circumstances that leave one wondering whether we are truly looking after each other well. Contrary to the insecurity song everyone might be singing right now, I would like to think that the recent wave of events (crimes) that occurred are a reflection of the kind of society we have become.

Breaking it down

Phionah Atukiriza, a resident of Bunamwaya in Wakiso District was on Monday night attacked by armed men who opened fire after she had tried to hold onto the bag they wanted to snatch from her. Phionah currently lies in Lubaga Hospital, bed-ridden and unable to carry on with her usual life anymore.

On the same day, Joan Kagezi, the top Ugandan state prosecutor in the trial of suspects of the 2010 Kampala suicide bombing which killed 76 people, was shot and killed a few meters from my doorstep in Kiwatule, a Kampala Suburb. She was with her family in the car.

A few hours later, gunmen showed up outside the residence of a wealthy businessman Steven Yiga somewhere in Mbuubi Zone, Lungujja, Lubaga municipality in Kampala. After a bout of heavy gunfire, three bodies were found in a pool of blood.

Without even being alarmist, any sane person will right away ask the question, “What the hell is going on?” And while it may be unfair to expect answers right away, seeing as investigations are going on with the different incidences, no one can claim to be unbothered by what is happening.

I am no security expert and I cannot begin to advance any theory to explain these events but I know enough to conclude that the gorgeous belle Uganda is twisting and writhing in untold pain – the Pearl of Africa is fading. She is becoming frail by the hour and her ability to hit high notes is waning.

Something ought to be done.

The tough questions

It is high time we as Ugandans started asking the vital questions about not just the security of our country but our entire well being as a nation.

Gone are the days when assailants carried sticks, toy guns or pangas. Nowadays they move around with guns. – Where are people getting all these guns?

People no longer steal and make away with only property, they want to take people’s lives as well.- Is this a reflection of what our society has become? Heartless, unbothered by murder and generally ready to end a life without much thought?

So many robberies (both armed and otherwise) are taking place in several neighbourhoods. – Have resources become so scarce, so much that we have taken it upon ourselves to enforce the ‘survival for the fittest’ theory?

Whenever a high profile murder occurs, we beef up security.- Do we always have to get hit first before we can be security conscious in our homes, workplaces and everywhere else?

ak-47.si

Where are all the guns coming from?

There are several questions that we ought to ask ourselves but the most important question of all is – are we going to simply look on as Uganda loses her ability to turn heads with her poise, glamour and beauty?

I’ll tell you what I’d like.

I’d like for this former beauty queen to regain her form, retake her position at the helm, reignite her passion for glamour and re-emerge as the Pearl of Africa that she truly is.

Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe. – Frederick Douglass

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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Killing the Mini Skirt Bill

Over the past couple of days the average Ugandan has been subjected to strange weather changes, Father Musaala and his borderline battle between fame and shame, the Bedroom Gospel according to Pastor Martin Ssempa, a couple of failed Easter Concerts and Ronald Mugula knocking Romanian Elek Janos to within seconds of his life. Of course one can argue that Uganda never runs out of Drama; we are born and bred in the caves of drama. However, it would have been safe to say that nothing extra ordinary was slated to happen; that was until a certain retired Catholic Priest Simon Lokodo decided it was time to reawaken the now sleeping and almost dead Ghost of the ‘Mini Skirt bill’. Of course the bill in its entirety is called the “Anti Pornography Bill” but everything seems insignificant until you read the bit about banning the mini skirt. Discussing details of the bill here is a waste of time and is extremely useless because a) I am not a Parliamentarian thus I am not well versed with how to waste time b) As long there is a risk of a mini skirt being banned, the bill must and should be stopped right away! No time for deliberation.

This bill is not only dangerous for our economy but also to the future generations. How does Lokodo expect us to look our grand children in the eyes and tell them that the mini skirt was banned in our generation? HOW? Relationships have been built and consummated, jobs earned and promotions gotten, degrees attained and careers curved out just by using this legendary piece of clothing. Stories are told of many great men who have made business decisions and even life changing decisions based on a well worn mini skirt lingering about somewhere in their lives. The miniskirt is not just another piece of clothing; it is a precious part of our history!

MINI SKIRTLook at this awesomeness. Just look at it!

The Right Reverend Father Simon Lokodo who proposed the bill is a former catholic priest so one can argue that he does not know better and so he ought to be forgiven. Catholic priests are known to cover themselves with uncomfortable robes all day and sometimes all night (being largely celibate, they need the warmth) so Lokodo is probably shocked to his core by all the flesh he is seeing. One can also argue that in more ways than we care to admit, the Catholic Church is taking over. If a Catholic leader is not in the press for washing the feet of men, then he is probably in for a ground breaking revelation of a sexual nature. Either way, the Catholic leaders are taking over. So Lokodo is simply doing what has to be done – taking over the World. Wait, maybe he is the anti-Christ! Hhhmmm. Ok that’s a very wild allegation, extremely unfounded and totally uncalled for but I just thought I would put it out there. Anyway, it can be said with a fair amount of certainty that unlike the new Pope who seems to be winning over hearts and souls with his noble deeds, his brethren elsewhere (read Uganda) seem to have different ideas. But let’s not dwell on this subject because I know plenty of Catholics who are already looking for their Rosaries so they can implore God to do some hurtful things to whoever criticizes the Catholic Priests. I wouldn’t want lightning striking me down now. I know God is an advocate for humour but I am not sure how much I can push before I cross the line.

So away from the seemingly misguided Lokodo to the more serious matter at hand; how do we kill this bill?

1. Ladies, Go All Out

Ladies, immediately you are finished reading this little piece, I suggest you head over to your wardrobe, find the skimpiest mini skirt and rock it right away. Make a statement; a very loud and skimpy one. Let the whole world know that the mini skirt rocks. Obviously it would be ideal if the women (with fine legs) did this more but why discriminate against those with unattractive legs? For once, let everyone rock the mini skirt; fine legs or not. And for once, let no man attempt to hurl an insult at a woman wearing a mini skirt telling her how she has more scars on her legs than hairs on her head. Let the women run this show. And ladies, if you rock the miniskirt and a son of a gun says anything other than that you look sexy, you have my permission to kick him in the nuts. If he is at a safe distance from the nut-kick, just hurl a stone at him or better still; pull up your skirt, bend over, show him your behind, pull down your skirt and pretend nothing happened. That ought to sort him out for a couple of hours, if not for life!

Ladies-underwear-1

Flash it for him. Let him know you know he wants you but he can not have you

2. Gentlemen you have a Role to play

The guys might now be wondering how they are going to be a part of this miniskirt War. Well, here is how. If your partner’s birthday is coming up, I don’t need to tell you what you should get her. If you are male and you have a male partner, this entire article is probably a waste of your precious time. Please get back to fixing your make-up, adjusting your handbag and watching the kardashians. Everybody else, keep reading. So, about your lady’s birthday, go find her the shortest outfit you can lay your hands on. And while you are at it, suggest to her that the rest of her wardrobe should get shorter because you are suddenly attracted to women who wear miniskirts. If she says she is not okay with wearing short skirts, tell her you just might consider finding someone who is okay with rocking the miniskirt. If that does not persuade her to get a short skirt, then you my friend are in a complicated relationship with a nun. Roll over and join the Lokodo camp. Deal with it and find some robes, so the two of you can match each other. And I don’t mean you and Lokodo; I mean you and your nun of a girlfriend.

If you go out on a date and she wears a miniskirt on that first date, she is a keeper! If she wears anything longer, be carefully, she might just be a deserter from the convent or worse, a spy from Lokodo’s camp. So beware!

3. Campusers – You are Our Greatest Weapon

Corporate ladies who have since left campus might have fine well kept legs but the best legs are in the Universities; this one is a fact! I say this not because I secretly spend a chunk of my time analyzing which ladies have the finest legs but because common knowledge will lead you to realize that a lady looks her finest from just after 18 to around her mid twenties. This excludes women from Western Uganda who tend to look more beautiful as they grow older. (But the topic of women and their beauty shall be reserved for another Monday).

Ladies in the various Universities in Uganda need to pay close attention here. However when talking about miniskirts and how important they are, ladies at Mukono University and IUIU might want to skip this part. I say this because news has reached me that administrations there do not entertain anything that is remotely nice looking and might score you points with the guys. So it is safe to say miniskirts are not allowed in these universities. Why the students there have not yet gone on strike, I have no idea. But let’s hope they are considering it. So while I talk to the ladies from other Campuses, I suggest that the ladies in IUIU and Mukono University look at their calendars to see when the holidays kick in because when they do, you will need to join the fight; the miniskirt needs you!

Moving on …

Ladies in the other Universities should make it a point to have a good number of miniskirts in their collection. Some girls are unlucky to come from families that will only allow long dresses and/or big thick blouses worn over long ugly skirts. Such girls have no miniskirts in their collection and this is where other campus girls come in handy. Be good to one another and share those skirts; remember united we stand and divided we fall. If you have two miniskirts, lend one out – if only for the night. If you don’t have one, do not hesitate to borrow. Make sure everyone gets a feel of this wonderful piece of clothing. In due time, the Government will either ignore the whole bill or push it into the distant future like they did the Simcard Registration thing. The key issue here is to convince everyone to wear it until the Government changes its mind and decides that it is illegal not to own a miniskirt if you are above 18.

4. Government Workers

People who work in Government offices are notorious for attending series of meetings, workshops, seminars and conferences just to discuss issues ranging from how to attend other meetings to how one should conduct oneself when coming to and from the bathroom. Surely one such workshop can and should be dedicated to the miniskirt cause. Of course when suggesting the idea, you will need to disguise it under the title “A Workshop Aimed at Raising Awareness Amongst the Grassroot People About how to Harness their Abilities and Capabilities in the Field of Human Appreciation.” This might be a long title but it should do the trick as your bosses will not ask too many questions – they never ask questions if the title is long. During the workshop, go through the subject called “The Miniskirt”. Discuss (at length) the negative implications the banning of the miniskirt will have on the GDP, NNP, GNP, Geo Political affairs, Multi-lateral trade and economic integration. Have someone display some complex slides and design some graphs, curves, charts and gloomy projections.

5. Everyone Else

By everyone else, I am actually referring to every Ugandan except Father Lokodo and 2 or 3 of his juniors who might have no option but to offer him backing on this issue lest their families sleep hungry. Everyone should prepare to hit the streets in support of this idea of killing the mini skirt bill. The ladies down at Speke Road are already doing their part; what are you doing to help the miniskirt cause? Pick your miniskirt and hit the streets NOW so the whole world can know how much we still need this precious piece of clothing. And while you are at it, be sure to flash a little flesh and there – for added effect. Also, capture some pictures and let’s share those on instagram. I would have suggested that we get a picture of Lokodo and through photoshop we could tweak with it till we get the perfect result; Lokodo chillaxing with a few miniskirt cuties. But my leniency is getting the best of me. The whole photoshop idea would however make for some good fodder and it would keep him off the miniskirt issue for some time, of course after we have squeezed some money from him so that we do not publish the images.

Finally

If and when we do these things, I am confident that this talk about miniskirts will be shoved and then we shall get back to more serious issues like corruption, poor service delivery, potholes, medicine-less health centers, skyrocketing unemployment figures, monetized political climate and all other crucial issues that MPs somehow refuse to discuss for lack of the customary 5 million Shillings for facilitation.

As I sign out, I leave you with a very insightful quote that says so much in just a few words;

“A woman’s dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.” ― Sophia Loren

 

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker