Men and Sex

There has always been a dangerously botched and unfairly flawed assertion that men think about sex every seven or so seconds. As a man, I find this assertion not only out-rightly embarrassing but also completely discreditable. Using my own thought process as an example, I would like to begin by stating that there are so many other things that men think about outside of sex. There are super fast cars (which can be quite sexy), sports (which can be more physically draining than sex), there is money (which will get you whatever quantity of sex you want), Alcohol (which usually catapults your sexual libido to untold levels) and then there is politics (which … well … this probably has nothing to do with sex).

male_brain

Hhhmmmm

So Yes – there are other things we think about other than sex.

Having said that, (again using my own thought process as an example) sex is one of the juiciest topics – pun definitely intended. Before I even go any further, allow me to start by mentioning that if you know anyone under 18 who is reading this blog post, pull out their power cable from the wall. This particular blog post is for people who have been on earth for no less than 216 months (which is really just 18 years).

With the knowledge that no under-age folks are reading, allow me to proceed this discussion about men and sex.

What is sex?

Sex (for most men at least) is when a man gets on top of a woman (or she on top of him) and sweats his way to an orgasm, huffing and puffing away as he pounds at her with his every ounce of strength. Occasionally the woman might get (or fake) an orgasm to keep the man’s ego sky high. At the end of it all, when the man arrives at his destination (ejaculation – for those who just made 18), he may or may not collapse in a heap onto the woman and basically pass out, oblivious to the needs and demands of his play mate. At this moment, the play mate is usually too busy reading a novel, replying whatsapp messages or watching Telenova repeats to even care.

Is it that insipid?

Unfortunately, it is. If you were hoping for a more majestic and less vapid description of coitus, I am afraid you have to look elsewhere. Maybe read the 50 Shades of Grey Books or better still; sneak away and watch some Asian or Latino porn – then you will see some lively and sleek sex going on with styles named after animals and ancient missionaries. Other than that, that is really what sex is all about. So if there is any underage person reading this, relax, there is nothing much you are missing. (I know you under age people could not keep away. So read on. Damage is already done.) Obviously older people will have you think that sex tastes better than your favourite dish. They will have you imagine that having sex is like drinking from an oasis in the middle of a hot and long journey through the desert. They will be keen to have you think that sex is the single most wonderful thing any man or woman can go through. Do not believe them. Sex is bad. Ignore the fact that all human existence is a result of sex – that is a conspiracy right there. Human beings are not created out of sexual acts; they are created out of the will of God. He moulds you and places you in the tummy of a random woman who then becomes your mother. Sex is just an excuse to make men relevant in the equation that is child birth.

Am I speaking from experience?

Uhmm unfortunately, I am not. I am still a virgin. I know what you are thinking – what right do I have to talk about sex when indeed I have never had a taste of the forbidden fruit? You see, I have learned that one does not have to go through hell’s flames for them to know that Hell is an undesirably hot place. Read your bible, watch a number of movies, listen to the church pastor, and I can guarantee you will have a vivid painting of hell in your mind; scorching and all. Does hell even exist? That is a discussion for another Monday. For now, let us not concentrate on how inexperienced I am at this topic of sex – let us focus on other things, like debunking the lies you have been told about sex.

Virgins

That’s right – virgins can be awesome too!

Women and Sex

This should probably have been titled ‘Women are sex’ or ‘women love sex’ or even ‘women sex men’ but I imagine the feminists will be all up in arms; if they aren’t already. Women are the reason the world is the way it is. They are the reason Adam lost the plot while still in the Garden of Eden, they are the reason the world is in all this chaos. They are also the reason men cannot stay away from sex. They dangle it around like gazelles hopping about in the carnivore section of the game park. You may be wondering why I am heaping all the blame on women while carefully throwing a blanket over men and their often unrivalled madness. Well, first of all, I am a man, so naturally I fight for this team. Secondly, I have a certain feminist friend who I want to piss off really badly and I am sure she will read this. Thirdly, it is my blog post – I say whatever the hell I want. And lastly, surely there is no crime against writing a blog post that is totally and utterly full of misinformation, right? Good. Now sit tight and let me finish.

SexistSexist enough, no?

So then, what lessons do we learn from this blog post?

  • Sex is overrated
  • Men sweat during sex
  • Women love reading novels and watching Telenovas
  • Women are the reason for all the problems in this world
  • Gazelle meat is quite tasty
  • Human beings are moulded by God and not through sex
  • Never trust the words of a Blogger who has never had sex

Have an awesome week, you sexy beasts who will do anything and everything to engage in coitus.

“But when a woman decides to sleep with a man, there is no wall she will not scale, no fortress she will not destroy, no moral consideration she will not ignore at its very root: there is no God worth worrying about.” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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Reverse Universe

In this universe of ours, there are things that we consider the norm and the accepted way of life. A child is born, they look ugly, they cry, they grow up, become better looking along the way, then they become a nuisance to the society. They then grow too big headed to live with their parents so they move out, meet another grown up parent-deserter (usually of the opposite sex) and start a family. Then they too bear children who also go through the same process and end up populating the world without changing too many rules. Occasionally there are rules that are bent to the point of breaking but overall, this is the way the human race has been able to survive from time immemorial.

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Children turn into rebellious young humans before also ageing 

The other day while I was seating at Javas waiting for a friend to pass by and clear my bill because I was broke, a thought crossed my mind. You see, my mind usually strays far off the ordinary path and conjures up the most unfortunate and twisted scenarios. I got to wondering what would be a likely scenario in case we were living in a reverse universe. For instance what if we started out old, aged backwards and ended up entering our mothers’ wombs to eventually disappear back into our fathers’ loins. I know what you must be saying – this is redundant thinking. Maybe it is, but then again, before you shove this away as utter rubbish (which it quite possibly could be) please hear me out.

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Don’t tell me to shut up!

If we were living in a reverse or parallel world, I am confident we’d be a much more organized group of people and we would probably treat the world and ourselves with softer hands. It would be an interesting world, to say the least.

Wars, What for?

Assuming we were living in this reverse world where we started out old then ended up as babies, there is a chance we’d have very few wars or none at all. No one would want to kill random people because hey, the person you want to do away with today might turn out to be a close relative in the future; worse still – your parent! No one would want to end up a baby with no mother so it is quite possible people would not be too keen to engage in wars. Everyone would want to have a worthwhile childhood with both parents around to look after them, hug them, cherish them and basically provide for them. For this reason alone, no one would want to kill another person for fear of actually eliminating someone who might eventually play a role in your birth (would it still be birth? We’d probably have a different word like Return).

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Imagine crawling back into your mother … 

The school situation

As expected, the older people would have more knowledge and information and therefore would need to go to school so they can unlearn this information. Those blessed (or for this matter cursed) with a lot of knowledge would have to go through various institutions of learning so they can unlearn this information. Interesting, right? And the uneducated ones would simply laze around and enjoy their lives as they count down to the return. Many people would therefore prefer to start out poor and uneducated because that way, they would not need to go through all the various stages of education to unlearn all the information they had in their big brains and to return the massive wealth they are cursed with.

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Uneducated Relaxation

 Entertainment things

Imagine a scenario where someone has to sit in front of a TV so the TV can watch him. And the TV would cough out instructions every after a few minutes for how someone must position themselves. If you are the kind of person who spends many hours in front of the TV or computer right now, you will be in big trouble in the reverse universe because there, you will be required to spend just as many hours in front of the TV but this time not to your benefit but to that of the TV Set or the computer. As for people who are always scrolling down their phones, there would be a real challenge there. The phone would demand that you slide here, press that, click the other, download this; all this because of your love for the mobile phone. Now wouldn’t that be something!

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Who is the slave now!

 The Question of Dating

The current scenario when it comes to dating is that you start out by dating someone you may not really like that much and then end up with the person you have to spend the rest of your life with. Imagine a situation where you start out with the person you love the most and then slowly go down towards the people you may not really like that much. As for the break ups, imagine a situation where a relationship begins with a heart break and then ends when you are falling for someone. Woah!! This is twisted. You start out with someone you have children with and then end up with someone you can’t stand but must tolerate simply because you have become young and naïve.

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The struggle would be real

The Issue of Memory

Old people have many memories, both happy and sad. Imagine a situation where you start out with these memories and then slowly, they get erased from your mind as you grow younger. Your memory slowly has bits and pieces snuffed out as you grow younger and some of these probably having been dear to you.  Older people would envy young people because young people do not have too many worries to deal with. These is kind of already the situation but in the reverse world, older people would work towards growing young so they would probably ask for advice from the young people on how to do things and how to experience life. And in a strange twist, young people would probably be heroes and inspirations looked up to by the older people. The younger one is, the more inspiring they are. Interesting!

child-teaching

Young children would be professors 

What about death?

As for the issue of death, I assume there would be a standard age from where we all begin. For instance if everyone started out as a weak and frail 100-year-old person, they would then grow younger as the days go by. Along the way there would be risk of death before one reaches their standard age of return. This is a scary prospect because while some people will start out at 100 and die at just the very old age of 99, others would live to see out all their 100 years. Eh! Strange just.

While I was thinking of these bizarre and strange things, someone walked up to me with a bill. And then I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be awesome if I started out full and then left Javas hungry? And hey, I would not need to spend anything, these guys would be paying me to come here and become hungry. Ah!

“Everything you can imagine is real.”  ― Pablo Picasso

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter