Listen little fella, this is your father writing to you. You are not yet born and we are not yet sure who your mother will be but I am writing to you anyway. Don’t ask why I am not sure who your mother will be; I am still single and the last time I checked it takes two to make a baby. Also, your mother has not yet unveiled herself; if she has, I am too busy being awesome to notice. But hey, let us not lose focus here. You are the subject of this letter; not me.
So then, shall we focus on my intention of writing this letter to you?
You see, little man, when you enter this world, you are flung into a ruthless and merciless world that will not give you a chance to steal even half a breath without making you pay dearly. Every step you make and every move you make will lead you to a certain point in your life which many people like to call destiny. Walk the right path my boy and make sure you have fewer regrets than satisfaction.
Am I sounding overly sanctimonious? Relax. I will make things easier for you.
Let me give you some insight into a few things I want you to learn from no one but your dad.
The other sex and their things
Women are a very vital part of your life. Your mother, sisters, daughters and aunties will all be female so you should make an attempt to reason with them. They will intentionally hurt you to get your attention; never lose your mind over them – it is how they are wired. Make them happy and you will be the happiest man alive. Rub them the wrong way and you may as well kiss happiness goodbye. Never attempt to get into an argument with women. You’d be more likely (and safer) to bump into a live fire breathing dragon on Kampala Road than to try winning an argument against a female. When she asks you one thing, be sure she means something else. A good chunk of their questions are actually rhetorical so try as much as possible to avoid being a smartass with them. “Do I look good in this?”, “Am I fat?”, “Do you love me?”, “Will you take me shopping?”, “Do you like my new hair?”, “Is the devil female?”; all these are questions with answers already written in stone. Never attempt to be creative and come up with your own answers otherwise that will be your demise right there.
End of the world things
Young man, in my time, we were threatened with the end of the world more times than I can remember. One thing is for certain, as long as you live a life worth remembering, you should never have to worry about the end of the world. Never fall for this end-of-the-world business my boy. If there is anything we as human beings have learned, it is that when someone dies, that is the end of their world. The rest of humanity carries on, often with an indifference that will make you wonder why we even worry about other people’s lives. Just make sure that the people around you are happy with the life you are living and the rest shall be okay. Oh and one other thing – if there is any religion or cult that sets a specific date as the possible end of the world, walk up to their leader and kick him in the nuts – I give you permission. It is mostly men who want to brainwash human beings with ludicrous and bogus ideas of the world’s end so beware who you listen to. Read the Bible, the Quran, the Bhagavad Ghita and whatever other Holy Book you can come across because I have learnt that the best way to indulge in any argument or discussion is to be immensely informed and well read.
Money and career things
You will have probably heard this a billion times already but I will say it anyway, ‘Money is the root of all evil’ okay not all evil but most evil. As long as you let your life be ruled by money, you are bound to sell your soul to worthless and often inhumane causes. Make sure that you pursue a career that makes you happy while enabling you put food on the table. You don’t want your pretty wife and awesome kids starving now do you? Never ever get into any career solely because of the money. You will get consumed by it and you will end up forgetting who you really are. Stay true to yourself and pursue your personal dreams before thinking of money. I can guarantee that if you pursue your dreams with seriousness and focus, you will get shitloads of money you will not even know what to do with it. And if that ever happens, start a charity in my name. That’s right – not your name but mine. I am your father and I have dictated it. Fathers are always right! Yes – tell that to your son too.
Heritage and Cultural Things
Every decade that passes, culture and heritage receive a blow below the belt from that thing called change. Try as much as possible to stay in touch with your cultural values and never forget your identity. Part of the reason why Africa as a continent is culturally wealthy is because of people like your grandfather, my dad, who swore never to abandon their culture no matter how useless or meaningless it appeared. Your granddad often dragged me to cultural events just so I could appreciate the African culture and heritage a little more. I might have been stubborn once or twice but overall, I now see why he felt like I needed the orientation. Way before I met your mother, when I was much younger, we often went to the countryside to see the old folks. We were involved in pompous and extravagant ceremonies complete with brew, food, song and dance all locally engineered. Make sure you get a wife who understands the value of culture and heritage so that she does not name my grandchildren something silly like Phone, Modem or Bandwidth. Young man, I want traditional names.
God knows I could go on and on but I’ll stop here because I know people of your time will not be too keen to read. So there; go on and live.
“It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.” ― John Guare, Landscape of the Body
The Talkative Rocker
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