Most times when someone is telling a rather long story that has no end anywhere in sight, they break it up and hoodwink people into subscribing for a sequel. This is what I am doing right here, except my story has an end in sight. Last week I put up a blog about Valentine’s Day and I conveniently titled it A Valentine Death – Part I. The idea was to build up to this week’s post which, as you would expect, is about Valentine’s Day too. In the run up to Valentine’s Day, I set out to ruin Valentines for everyone I know. Naturally some people are smart and have tried to hide from me, not picked up my calls and basically stayed clear of me because of the fear that I will ruin their Valentine’s Day. Well, they may not pick my calls or respond to my hate email but I am confident they will read this blog – secretly.
And this brings me to the point of this blog anyway. As a hater of Valentine’s Day and everything lovey-dovey, I would like to recruit a few people to my cult. We shall be setting out to ruin the day for others – especially the women; our women. I am going to share strategies that guys can employ to make sure that when the dust settles on Valentine’s Day your bank account balance is unshaken and your manhood is still intact. I am helping men regain the power they have lost over the years.
- The Old School Break-up Stunt
On Valentine’s Day last year, a whooping $14 Billion was wasted on women. This makes me mad because while all this money was spent on women, men were not any happier after Valentine’s Day. As a matter of fact, many men were sad, lonely dejected and still thirsty after Valentine’s Day. Which begs the question – what the hell is the fuss about anyway? How about a temporary break-up right before Valentine’s Day to save the expenditure? Throw her out right before Valentine’s Day. You have to make sure that the break-up is temporary so that after Valentine’s Day you can reboot your relationship and get back on track without having to worry about strange and often ugly bank withdrawals during the Valentine’s season. Change a buddy’s name in your phonebook to say Sally Boobs or Cathy Nice Legs or even Joan Sexy and then have them text you some sleazy lines. Have them text you suggestive and naughty messages with one or two downloaded images of a nice looking Samoan girl but with the caption ‘Me’. Then leave your phone lying around for the girlfriend to go through. She will be so mad at you she will simply walk away and then after Valentine’s when the dust has settled, explain to her that one of your buddies wanted to prank you so they changed the name in your phonebook and sent the messages minus your knowledge. Obviously if you are smart enough, you will not respond to these messages lest your claim of innocence is thrown out of the window, along with your chance for make-up sex.
- The Wrong name Trick
Women love to feel pampered especially around Valentine’s Day. Now listen up guys, if you are looking at your bank balance and wondering how you can get out of this one, wonder no more; I’ve got a solution for you. Buy her a little gift on Friday – a cheap gift at that. It would be nice if you bought her a flower or a little teddy bear and then you have these items delivered to her workplace or wherever she is. Make sure you have a sweet scented note added in there. Then write a name of a totally different girl inside the note. At the end of the note, add something like ‘there’s more where that came from’ or ‘I like you very much (insert random name) and I have so much to give you this Valentine’s Day’. Then sit back, relax, and wait for the volcano to erupt. You will have done a very nice thing by sending her a gift but you will have opened a Pandora ’s Box by calling her someone else’s name. It is likely she will be mad at you for a while but it also be likely she will get over it (mostly if your explanation is believable) and take you back in. You, my friend, will have survived the Valentine’s Day Madness.
- The Valentines With Mama Arrangement
Women do not fear anything; they will dive head first into a fight as long as you are the prize. They will defend you and even aid and abet some of your crimes as long as you are the prize. The one thing however they are very cautious about is the area treaded upon by your mother (their mother in law). Gentlemen, it is time to play the mother card. No, silly – I don’t mean you should become mothers. Keep up! I mean, you should tell her that you plan to spend Valentine’s Day with your mother. Everyone knows Valentine’s Day is a day you spend with the people you love. While everyone will be with their partners, tell your girl that you have decided to spend this Valentine’s Day with your mother because she has been asking you for it for several months. Even if you have not spoken to your mum for weeks, make sure she is in on it. Tell her you would like to see her on Valentine’s Day so that if your girl tries to ask her mother in law, your behind is covered. The girl will probably be thinking, ‘better to have him spend his Valentine’s Day with his mother than with another random woman.’ Homerun!
- The Selective Amnesia and Illness strategy
Everyone knows men have bogus memories. While statistics about men and their forgetfulness are out there flying about with no focus, take advantage and embrace these statistics. Make extravagant and detailed plans for Valentine’s Day and let her imagine that you have some grand plan for the two of you. And then go ahead and forget them. Forget every damn thing. Forget the plans, forget where you were supposed to go and even forget that it is Valentine’s Day. If you can, go ahead and even forget that you have a girlfriend. Some women are so smart they will help you remember things; setting up reminders, scribbling down things in journals and setting up memos. That too can be defeated. Wake up on Valentine’s Day and feign illness. This is what we call the injury time match winner or the buzzer shot because there are very few come-backs that can outsmart this one. Some men’s acting game is so weak that they risk shaming the entire male race by acting they are sick yet they look overly excited and extremely overjoyed. Don’t just play the part guys, be the part. To be able to execute this act, you will need to practice. Therefore between now and Saturday, start practicing. Feign a slight headache here a stomach ache there, a pain in the joints or even some fatigue. By Saturday, the disease will have escalated into fully blown surgery-demanding illness which of course will clear by the start of next week.
Note to men and women Ladies, if you read this Blog before he reads it, make sure he does not read it lest he gets armed. And gentlemen, if you read this Blog before she does, do everything in your power to make sure she does not read it – lest you get found out. Good Luck Lovers Totally Unrelated You probably have heard this already but I will say it nonetheless. The Social Media Awards are on and as always, nominations are rolling in. I am fully aware that you people have things to do elsewhere but if you could be so kind as to nominate your favourite Blogger (who may or may not be yours truly), it would be awesome. Just go to this link and do the needful. Nominations end on 11th February … a few days to the dreaded Valentine’s Day.
“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” — Warsan Shire
Bernard a.k.a Beewol The Talkative Rocker Follow @beewol on Twitter