There has always been a dangerously botched and unfairly flawed assertion that men think about sex every seven or so seconds. As a man, I find this assertion not only out-rightly embarrassing but also completely discreditable. Using my own thought process as an example, I would like to begin by stating that there are so many other things that men think about outside of sex. There are super fast cars (which can be quite sexy), sports (which can be more physically draining than sex), there is money (which will get you whatever quantity of sex you want), Alcohol (which usually catapults your sexual libido to untold levels) and then there is politics (which … well … this probably has nothing to do with sex).
So Yes – there are other things we think about other than sex.
Having said that, (again using my own thought process as an example) sex is one of the juiciest topics – pun definitely intended. Before I even go any further, allow me to start by mentioning that if you know anyone under 18 who is reading this blog post, pull out their power cable from the wall. This particular blog post is for people who have been on earth for no less than 216 months (which is really just 18 years).
With the knowledge that no under-age folks are reading, allow me to proceed this discussion about men and sex.
What is sex?
Sex (for most men at least) is when a man gets on top of a woman (or she on top of him) and sweats his way to an orgasm, huffing and puffing away as he pounds at her with his every ounce of strength. Occasionally the woman might get (or fake) an orgasm to keep the man’s ego sky high. At the end of it all, when the man arrives at his destination (ejaculation – for those who just made 18), he may or may not collapse in a heap onto the woman and basically pass out, oblivious to the needs and demands of his play mate. At this moment, the play mate is usually too busy reading a novel, replying whatsapp messages or watching Telenova repeats to even care.
Is it that insipid?
Unfortunately, it is. If you were hoping for a more majestic and less vapid description of coitus, I am afraid you have to look elsewhere. Maybe read the 50 Shades of Grey Books or better still; sneak away and watch some Asian or Latino porn – then you will see some lively and sleek sex going on with styles named after animals and ancient missionaries. Other than that, that is really what sex is all about. So if there is any underage person reading this, relax, there is nothing much you are missing. (I know you under age people could not keep away. So read on. Damage is already done.) Obviously older people will have you think that sex tastes better than your favourite dish. They will have you imagine that having sex is like drinking from an oasis in the middle of a hot and long journey through the desert. They will be keen to have you think that sex is the single most wonderful thing any man or woman can go through. Do not believe them. Sex is bad. Ignore the fact that all human existence is a result of sex – that is a conspiracy right there. Human beings are not created out of sexual acts; they are created out of the will of God. He moulds you and places you in the tummy of a random woman who then becomes your mother. Sex is just an excuse to make men relevant in the equation that is child birth.
Am I speaking from experience?
Uhmm unfortunately, I am not. I am still a virgin. I know what you are thinking – what right do I have to talk about sex when indeed I have never had a taste of the forbidden fruit? You see, I have learned that one does not have to go through hell’s flames for them to know that Hell is an undesirably hot place. Read your bible, watch a number of movies, listen to the church pastor, and I can guarantee you will have a vivid painting of hell in your mind; scorching and all. Does hell even exist? That is a discussion for another Monday. For now, let us not concentrate on how inexperienced I am at this topic of sex – let us focus on other things, like debunking the lies you have been told about sex.
That’s right – virgins can be awesome too!
Women and Sex
This should probably have been titled ‘Women are sex’ or ‘women love sex’ or even ‘women sex men’ but I imagine the feminists will be all up in arms; if they aren’t already. Women are the reason the world is the way it is. They are the reason Adam lost the plot while still in the Garden of Eden, they are the reason the world is in all this chaos. They are also the reason men cannot stay away from sex. They dangle it around like gazelles hopping about in the carnivore section of the game park. You may be wondering why I am heaping all the blame on women while carefully throwing a blanket over men and their often unrivalled madness. Well, first of all, I am a man, so naturally I fight for this team. Secondly, I have a certain feminist friend who I want to piss off really badly and I am sure she will read this. Thirdly, it is my blog post – I say whatever the hell I want. And lastly, surely there is no crime against writing a blog post that is totally and utterly full of misinformation, right? Good. Now sit tight and let me finish.
So then, what lessons do we learn from this blog post?
- Sex is overrated
- Men sweat during sex
- Women love reading novels and watching Telenovas
- Women are the reason for all the problems in this world
- Gazelle meat is quite tasty
- Human beings are moulded by God and not through sex
- Never trust the words of a Blogger who has never had sex
Have an awesome week, you sexy beasts who will do anything and everything to engage in coitus.
“But when a woman decides to sleep with a man, there is no wall she will not scale, no fortress she will not destroy, no moral consideration she will not ignore at its very root: there is no God worth worrying about.” ― Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera
The Talkative Rocker
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