New and interesting revelations by Fisheries state minister Ruth Nankabirwa have created substantial uproar on social media in the past few days. Someone sent me a link to an online article about the Honourable Minister’s pronouncement on Lake Victoria and I was particularly intrigued. I am not the biggest environmentalist out there and neither can I claim to be huge on issues to be with Lake Victoria. I am not even a fish or related to a Mermaid so I am not so big on water bodies. However, I was taken aback when I read that there were/are plans to ”find an investor to manage” a part of the Lake.
With the Government finalising plans to have a private investor take over Lake Victoria, one then wonders what else we shall be left with. Well, before people can lose their minds on this whole sale of Lake Victoria thing, I would like to reassure people by insisting that there are several other things we shall be left with. In fact, I recommend the Government holds off selling Lake Victoria and embarks on selling some other things.
The Uganda Cranes
Following the recent run of unfortunate results, any sane Ugandan would recommend that the Cranes come under better management so they can perform better. One of the more obvious ways these boys can get better is by making sure that they are put under new management. I propose that an investor be invited from Germany, Netherlands or Spain to take over the Cranes. This person can then squeeze results out of the Cranes with the understanding that the Cranes is a profit making entity. This would then mean that the Cranes get paid depending on the results they post. I am confident we shall have a better chance at eventual qualification. On the other hand, since the Cranes give us (or at least are supposed to give us) national pride, we could just lease them on a 5 year basis. Every regime that takes over political power can bring in its own investor to run the cranes. Sounds like a plan!
A Few Ministers
A good chunk of our ministers are quite the item for sell on so many levels. For starters, there is the undeniable fact that many of them have seen a fair share of years on earth and would probably do well in museums and cultural heritage sites. They have been around for a while and would certainly be on cue to tell stories from the old age. In stead of reading stories of Gipiri and Labong as well as Kintu and Nambi from books, some Ministers can volunteer first hand information. There is also the fact that many of these ministers have been caught napping on the job several times. Who would buy them? Well, companies that deal in mattresses or beddings do need people to test out their stuff. Ministers would be awesome candidates for this because they have displayed commendable skill in this department. Those can fetch us some awesome money after all.
Name your Price
The President’s Hat
Every Ugandan knows that the president’s hat is an instrument of enormous power and vision. This hat has brought this country thus far. It has ensured that we are held in peace, stability and extreme modernisation and it has made sure that we are never lost in terms of vision. This hat has been the reason why for nearly three decades we have maintained a certain state of calmness. Why am I talking about this hat? Well, it is simply because I am proposing that this hat be sold. And before you can raise alarms and spray tear gas in my direction, allow me to explain myself. You see, when something is very precious to you, there is a high chance that others will want it for themselves. If this is to happen, why not share it … at a price? I don’t see why we can’t sell this legendary hat to the highest and most suitable bidder who can then go ahead to use it suitably to foster their own ideals. This hat, in my opinion, carries with it quite a lot of value and importance. We should be honourable and generous enough to share it with the rest of the world at a good price.
Let’s face it – Golola Moses is probably one of the greatest possible exports this country has underxploited over the past few years. After Ziggy D’s Eno Mic, Zari’s South African prowess, Otunu’s tenure at the UN and Ssekandi’s White House Sandals, I think the next big thing we ought to hit the world with is Golola Moses. This guy has on several occasions talked loudly and failed to even crawl. This dude talks so much he deserves a round of applause from all loud mouthed people – myself inclusive. Golola Moses makes threats to his opponents but he has never really managed to deliver or at least he has flattered to deceive. Now here is what I propose; sell Golola Moses to a terrorist organisation. Why? Well, because they deal quite a lot in threats …often empty ones. Occasionally they will slay one or two people to try and pull attention to themselves but overall there is not much in the way of results. Also, they can be quite senseless and brutal when they mean to be – that is Golola Moses right there. Have you seen this guy demolish a plate of food?
Born Again Pastors
For a while now, I have been making quite a bit of noise about how certain pastors have made it a habit to garner substantial wealth from their flock. I do understand that the word of God is sharper than a double edged sword and I am also aware that Pastors are quite convincing and usually insightful. However, it defeats all logic when pastors preach to their people that they should remain with as few worldly possessions if they are to make it into heaven. I believe Pastors should be added to the list of those to be sold because they have perfected the art of convincing people to willingly get fleeced. These guys can literally run any country’s economy (of course except ours) on nothing but handouts. And since we may be constrained with getting money, we can rely on the Pastors to garner money for us without us even doing much work.
If you know of anything/anyone else that should be sold, feel free to share with me so we can come up with some kind of resolution that we can then hand over to the Speaker of Parliament – who might not escape our list of things for sale too.
“Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.” ― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
The Talkative Rocker
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