Secret Guardians

Every human being on this planet has got a bunch of secrets that they would rather go to the grave with. Some have secrets that would rock the world to its very core while others have less interesting secrets that would probably get nothing more than a sigh. At the end of the day, everyone has got little skeletons hidden in a closet, hoping they will not peek or ask for liberation and freedom.

We-All-Have-Secrets

It’s no secret, we all have secrets

While on the subject of secrets, it is generally the rule that while everyone has secrets, there are a few who are maestros at the secrets game. They have curved out personalitites and even careers as experts at the secrets trade. Some have all sorts of secrets thrusted at them with or without their consent. Others position themselves to be able to listen to all kinds of secrets while some others simple enjoy the business of secrets. I know a few of these individuals and I shall attempt to identify a few of the experts at the secrets game.

Presenting, secret guardians;

Mothers

It has always been said that no one knows more secrets of children than mothers do. Mothers know tiny little dark secrets of their children so much that they can black mail anyone at anytime if they wanted to. Mothers know all about the time you pooped in your pants at the family gathering. They know about that time you got beaten up at school by a little disabled girl who everyone used to ridicule and bully. They know about the time you accidentally took a sip of your father’s alcohol and ended up speaking gibberish. They know how as a young boy Pink was your favourite colour and you loved playing with little dolls and eating ice cream. Mothers know so many things it is dangerous to want to be on their bad side. They know whether or not your current dad is even your real dad. These blessed people know just too much.

400-07726164er

Oh the serets mothers know!

Catholic Priests

For obvious reasons, catholic priests are included on this list. These guys know quite a lot of nasty things about their flock. From what I gather, every catholic is supposed to share their deepest dark secrets with a catholic father prior to receiving forgiveness from God. The whole truth-telling takes place in a tiny little place where the sinner is not exactly in position to see the face of the priest (probably so that he does not see the priest’s facial expression as he supresses shock and disappointment at the son or daughter of the Lord). It has been said over and over again that while Catholic Priests listen in to some of the sickest and nastiest confessions, they are also the most trustworthy people because apparently they would rather be stoned to death than reveal the confessions of a hitherto sinful catholic. This only goes to show that they actually do know quite a bunch of terrible secrets.

PRITXT

Telling it all

Google 

From the time the Internet went live, a lot of information has been shared around the world.  A good chunk of this information has been searched for on various platforms but Google is the number one search engine by far. Pay a random visit to any Computer that is connected to the internet and pull up the Google search History; trouble!. Some of the things human beings search for are really embarassing. We have outdone ourselves in this department so much that I am sure if Google were a person, he/she would literally be crawling on their knees begging for mercy from anyone typing into Google. We are just too brutal! We Google anything and everything from “How to Kill Chuck Norris In Real Life” to things like “What is a Boyfriend and where can I download one”. We are simply dangerous when it comes to searching for things on Google. Gone are the days when all we did was search for “Jennifer Lopez Naked”, “Translate to Nigerian English” or “Kim K sex tape”. Nowadays we search for things like “I hate when Jesus Rides Dinosaurs in My House”, “Am I the Only one who eats my poop because it tastes like lemon”, “How to have sex while dozing” and my personal favourite, “How do I use Google” We elevate the searching game every other day.

ZachZach speaks the truth 

God

It goes without saying that God knows quite a lot about us. Many a time, when we are in trouble we pray to him and explain that we did not intend to throw the body into the river but we were just scared after the hit and run. We also tell God to help us execute that robbery so that we do not get interrupeted. God is the one person who listens to our secrets and somehow seems not to judge. If the concept of the Holy Trinity is true, we can all agree that the Father, Son and Holy Spirit must be cracking up whenever we offer up our prayers. Many of our prayers are really hilarious and often border on ridiculous but the Holy Trinity never answers back with laughter. God listens to all our secrets and even before we can begin to reveal anything, the big guy seems to know already. Is he not the all-knowing one? Well, he knows everything we do and from what I gather, he knows it even before we do it. Yikes!

Jesus

God is on a major LOL right about now

The Government 

Few people will believe this but the Government knows quite a lot of things about us. The Government knows almost everything about us. It knows when you are born and when you die. It tracks you all through your education until the time you decide to self jail yourself with marriage. It knows everything! There is an international wave to kind of reduce the involvement of the Governent in personal lives but I am sure that will come to nothing because the Government is the eyes and ears of the Universe. The Government is the Universe’s way of listening to our coversations and following up on us every inch of the way. Right from the time you are born, you begin to give the Government your time, resources, body, soul and spirit. The day you die, the Government returns these things to the universe – intact with all your secrets. The Government usually lies to us by telling us we have freedoms and liberties but really the truth is these liberties and freedoms are simply what the Government says they are.

ScreqThe Government knows EVERYTHING!

“A secret’s worth depends on the people from whom it must be kept.” ― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind 

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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