I shall begin today’s blog post by putting out a disclaimer: I am not an expert at fashion; actually, I know very little about fashion. I am so bad at fashion, I can barely tell the difference between certain colours and fabrics. I once made an order for cotton underwear, received it in polyester but did not realize the difference until I was stuck in an elevator with a non-functional AC system – then things started to heat up really bad. As it turned out, Polyester is not a very good material for underwear especially if you might be in warm temperatures. The truth is I am as good at fashion as Sarah Palin is at Geography.
With this out of the way, we can, now safely begin our blog, knowing well that the blogger is no authority on fashion and therefore is immune to and exempted from insults and criticism arising from anger generated after folks have read the blog post.
After reading a few insightful articles and posts from fashion gurus like Keturah Kamugasa, it would appear that there are several stylish and fashionable people in the world. However, after looking at the fashion trends on TV, the internet and everywhere else, one will quickly change their mind and come to the conclusion that Fashion in 2014 should be added as a cause for death – along with cancer, warfare, malaria, electric shocks and car accidents. I see some people don certain outfits/accessories and imagine that this is precisely why Jesus Christ is reluctant on his second coming. He wants to come when we have gotten things right; so far so bad.
Let’s take a look at some reasons why the Son of God is holding off his second coming, shall we?
Once upon a time, men were men and women were women. Along the way, some women and men wanted to switch sides. Women started wearing pants so they could be able to swing and stretch their legs around without blinding innocent little children or turning on men every now and again. Somewhere on the fashion journey certain men felt like they were enjoying way too much comfort with their pants so they felt like they needed to tighten things up a little – pun definitely intended. A solution had to be found and as a result, meggings were created. Shortly after that, Justin Bieber, One Direction and Lil’ Wayne bought in on the madness and before we knew it, every teenage boy wanted to look like an eel wrapped in a tight bag. Whenever I see someone wearing meggings, I think to myself: ‘Here we go again – another confused teenager hoping to impress girls who are busy looking into the mirror to even notice.’ Sadly, there are grown up men who actually wear these things. And don’t get me wrong; there is so much freedom of dress that ought to be exercised. I just think that if you are going to exercise your freedom by wearing meggings, stay far away from me, stay far away from little children, stay far away from innocent girls, stay far away from other men ….in fact stay far away from everyone – stay home!
And then the Devil said, let men be like women
2. Shoulder Pads
In the late 70s and well into the 80s there was a wave of fashion statements that were made across the world and one of the loudest statements was made in the form of shoulder pads. Shoulder pads were not only a very trendy and fashionable addition to the human clothing detail, they were simply too comfortable. Whether you were wearing a dress, coat, jacket, t shirt, shirt or blazer, you were not cool if you had no shoulder pads. Many years later, it can be generally accepted that we have moved on and the pads have been relegated to the museum of fashion history. Unless you have the habit of sweating profusely around the shoulders, I really don’t see why you would even consider wearing these things. Lady Gaga might have pulled it off once or twice with her eccentric fashion sense but let’s face it, Lady Gaga is not a human being like you and I. She is a mutant, a long forgotten distant descendant of the Mayans and she does not belong on earth. It is not 1980 and you are not Lady Gaga so please let the shoulder pads go or you might end up looking like an unpaid prostitute hanging off a motel window. Forget the shoulder pads and stop listening to Lady Gaga’s music!
Shoulder are only for ridiculous contact sports
Women (and some strange men) are very keen on pushing fashion boundaries so much that they are willing to go to bizarre lengths just to make statements. Gone are the days when people chose shoes because they gave them comfort and helped them walk easily. Today, the more painful and difficult it is for you to get around, the more fashionable the shoe you are wearing. I have never quite figured out why anyone would want to wear flatforms. They are extremely uncomfortable (not that I have tried them on but I see the way girls flinch in pain and discomfort). These flatforms also look really ugly. For people who have no idea what flatforms are, thank heavens – you are the reason there is hope for this world after all. Ladies, if you are going to wear something, either feel extremely comfortable in it or at least be dashing. If you are uncomfortable and at the same time you are a pain to look at, you my friend need to consider a change in trends.
Just how exactly is someone supposed to walk in these flatforms?
In the early 80s, a New Yorker called Eddie Plein decided he was tired of seeing people wear jewelry around their necks, ankles and arms. In an attempt to push the boundaries, this guy created Eddie’s Gold Teeth. The concept here was to have people wear jewellery over their teeth. Yes that’s right – over their teeth! Wearing Grillz ranks up there as a disappointing human activity almost at par with terrorism, rape, genocide, corruption, drug trafficking and child abuse. Unless you are Paul Wall, Chamillionaire or a deranged rapper from the Dirty South, please don’t try this – ever! Not even if you just won the lottery and have no idea how to spend your money. At least take a flight to the Atlantic and throw yourself out of the plane. That is better than subjecting humanity to this bogus fashion trend.
It’s gettin’ messed up in there … so shut your mouth Nelly
As I mentioned earlier, I am no expert at fashion but if you are an advocate for any of the above trends, our friendship ends right here right now. Sorry to have dragged you over 1000 words of pain and torture but I request that you go home, look in the mirror and tell the person in the mirror ‘You are a real loser’, then walk away. Don’t wait for their response. Just go to the nearest place of worship and repent of your sins – maybe then, Jesus might think about coming back.
Lady Gaga’s meat dress is partly to blame for the delayed second coming
“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
― Oscar Wilde
The Talkative Rocker
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