For many people, the question of the afterlife is still something for debate, argument, occasional name calling and even vehement denial. Many are not too sure whether there is really a heaven or a hell and they are unsure about a deity waiting to pass down judgment based on the life one has lived on earth. For the Muslims, Christians and several other faiths, there is no question about the afterlife. As a matter of fact, some faiths have dedicated themselves to suffering in this earthly life in preparation for the afterlife. My views on the issue of the afterlife are not views I will explicitly share here because, well, I am not a preacher. However, for purposes of clearing the air, I shall state that I am Christian. This therefore means that by default, I believe in heaven and hell.
This past week, I had an insightful and intriguing discussion with someone who offered me a very interesting view about the subject of life after death. In his opinion, when someone dies, their soul hovers around the earth trying to enjoy some of the things it did not enjoy while still in the now rotting body. This argument got me thinking seriously about the afterlife and what awesomeness awaits me there. I thus found myself staring into open space and making plans for my afterlife. Before I can check into rehab (as many of you might generously recommend), I shall dare to offer you my very interesting peek into the afterlife.
No More Taxes and Bills To pay
The first thing that got me really interested in this afterlife business was the fact that I would not have to pay taxes. You see, when my friend was telling me about the afterlife, he explained to me that when you are there, Uganda Revenue Authority has no jurisdiction whatsoever. Also, in the event that you have a job in the afterlife, there is no chance that you will be required to pay NSSF or PAYE. This lit up my face quite a lot because as it is, a great chunk of my already meager salary goes to paying these taxes. Apart from this, water bills, electricity bills, transport bills and all other bills are on the house! I never have to fork out a Shilling, Dollar, Yen, Euro or Pound (depending on which country my soul picks as a hovering area). Everything I receive shall be entirely free and the only thing I will do is sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.
Goodbye to friendzones and backstabs
You see, the moment you touch down in the afterlife, the first thing that happens is that you are introduced to everyone. All males meet all females and all females meet all males. How this exactly happens, I have no idea. My friend however told me that one is not able to couple up with people of the opposite sex because the urges of the body have been left behind with the rotting body. This, I found every interesting. With no prospects of coupling up, there would be no need to try and impress female souls thus no risk of rejection or the worst of them all; the friendzone. Also, there would be no need to lie to a friend that his girl looks good yet indeed she seems like a long lost identical twin of Favour Flave. Just thinking about the possibility of no backstabbing made me smile as I continued to make plans for my afterlife.
Finally meeting Jessica Alba
As I had already mentioned earlier, when one enters the afterlife, one gets introduced to all the people in the afterlife. My dream in this otherwise awesome life on earth is to meet Jessica Alba. If I cannot do it in this life, surely I can settle for the afterlife. Of course the downside to this being-introduced-to-everyone thing is that I will not survive being introduced to the souls of Bad Black, George Bush, Joseph Kony and Justin Bieber. One would wonder why I mention these people in the same sentence but hey, we all have different fears – those are mine; I don’t know about yours. Until I am dead and buried, I shall continue to hope that I will someday meet and talk to Jessica Alba. However, in the event that this does not come to pass, I will have my family inscribe on my tombstone: “Gone to Meet Alba” for that is where I shall be headed.
Adieu to Politics
There are so many things in this world that are sickening but the one thing that beats them all is Government. And by Government, I am not referring to the Ugandan Government. This is a wonderful government; it is responsible for so many good things like uuhhmm you know… the eclipse, among other things. So this Government is okay. However, Governments elsewhere are really terrible. Forcing people to say they are from Country A or Country B instead of just being citizens of the world. Also, why the heck does someone have to be paid a salary to make decisions on my behalf? I can make all the wrong decisions I want in life without help of a damn Goverment! Besides, most of the decisions these fellas in Government make benefit them and not me who is actually paying their salary. In the afterlife, there is no such madness. It is each soul for himself and no one owes allegiance to the other.
No conclusions yet
Well, before you make any conclusions about this new found love for the afterlife that I have, consider this; I still have a lot of work on earth to complete before I can sign out. For instance, if you have not yet heard, the Social Media Awards are on and for some strange reason, I was nominated among the Bloggers of the Year. Why people find this Monday madness even remotely interesting is beyond me. But hey, the people have decided. I may as well fulfill their wish and win the award for them. So before I can go to the afterlife, I need to win us this award. If you are reading this, you have already qualified as a voter because, well, you have internet access. Now all you have to do is log onto www.socialmediaawards.ug and cast your vote for Beewol in the Bloggers category. If you vote anyone else, consider our friendship terminated and prepare to be haunted by my soul when I die.
And for your customary quote of the week …
“The dead are merely the countrymen of my future.” ― Dean Koontz, Fear Nothing
The Talkative Rocker
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