I’m one of those people who receive an invite to a wedding meeting and just remain indifferent. Partly it is because every week there are about two or three different wedding meetings to attend and also because at wedding meetings they don’t serve beer. Apparently it is a fundraising event and nothing else. I do however do my part to pledge and contribute towards the success of the wedding either by making and honoring a financial pledge or buying a gift for the couple; I rarely do both – times are hard.
For this reason alone, I find it very tiring let alone strenuous to attend weddings. Unless it is someone very close or I have been hired to be an MC, I usually just pass. I often just call up the groom or bride and wish them a happy marriage filled with babies, no adultery, few lies, plenty of sex and no overbearing relatives. This is obviously followed by a healthy pledge which in most cases chokes me when I realize that it’s more than I can handle but I convince myself that it’s the price I must pay for ‘dodging’ the wedding.
Recently, I decided to face my fears and attend a wedding of a friend. I studied with the guy from high school and through the University so really, dodging his wedding would do our friendship a huge blow; I wasn’t willing to risk that. So I got myself together, picked out my favorite tux and attacked the wedding. While at the wedding, I made notice of other guests (both invited and uninvited) and I came to a conclusion that we all go to weddings for different reasons.
As such ladies and gentlemen, I give you animals at the wedding.
Most weddings are swarming with these fashion-hungry peacocks. Their major aim of attending the wedding is to see what outfit trends are hip and what fashion styles are in vogue. They will show up dressed like the spare bride and will have a truckload of make up in their bags. They are mostly female although lately some males are crossing over. They are usually overdressed and desire to be noticed even more than the bride and groom. They will analyze the bride’s make up, the matron’s body type, the groom’s off-color suit, the peg-boy’s oversize shoes, the brightly coloured table clothes, the unfairly pretty bridesmaid and the overdressed distant relative. They usually take the seats at the front near the newlyweds as if to offer options in case the groom were to opt for a second bride. They will also be seen taking countless pictures of people and things and whispering designer names and brands amongst themselves.
These are mostly male. The wedding is simply a hunting ground for them because this is where a woman will see them looking good in a suit and not even bother asking whether or not they are employed. They prepare for this day having marked a target, probably a sister of the bride or a distant pretty and fresh cousin of the groom who has been showing up at the wedding meetings. By the time the wedding ends, they will know each of the bridesmaids by name and will have phone numbers for a few other pretty relatives. In most cases they are neither related to the bride nor to the groom but are probably friends, colleagues or just random uninvited guests. Their intentions can stretch from looking for a partner for marriage to looking for a maid to take home for the night.
“I’m definitely taking this one home tonight!”
They are simply there for the party; end of story! They are usually seated at the back and will only show face when the bride and groom officially open the dance and the older relatives have retired. They are simply there to make the party happen and they are usually the ones who give the wedding reception its festive aura. Most times they will want to secure a steady supply of food and drink by earmarking, sweet talking and seducing a certain humble usher. They clap the most during speeches and eat the most during time for meals. Long after everyone has gotten really tired, they will still be rearing to go and will even plan to take beer from the wedding. In case there are issues of beer empties, they will confidently walk to a parked car, pop the trunk and pull out a crate of empty bottles then exchange it for a crate of full beer bottles; they are ever ready. They usually end up relocating to a nearby bar after the reception.
The doves are a very innocent lot. They know one or both of the newlyweds and are really touched that such a big life decision is being taken by those they love. They will shed some tears during the giving of speeches and will probably be drinking a soft drink the whole time. Genuinely happy for the newlyweds, the doves are the ones who tend to bring the most spectacular gifts. Of course there are some peacocks that will masquerade as doves but generally speaking, doves are pure at heart and can be spotted easily. These are mostly female although some males tend to get overly mushy and actually feel sentimental about the wedding. The females will display their sentiments by shedding tears and the males will display their sentiments by walking away to the toilets; a man must not be seen shedding a tear. While in the toilet, they will send their girlfriend a text message telling them they miss them. They are mostly relatives and very close friends of the bride or groom.
There are people who, even on the day of the wedding, are scheming to make the freshly created marriage break! At the risk of sounding sexist, I must add that these snakes are mostly female and they are usually the groom’s old flames. They are very smart, calculative, cunning, patient and extremely lethal. They can have sex with the groom before, during and after the wedding and no one would ever know. They will attend the wedding and not overdress lest they attract too much attention. They will also be lurking in the background and might even arrive late but ultimately will have the picture of the groom somewhere on jackpot. They attend the wedding to weigh their options and see what competition they are up against. Apart from the bride, they look around to see who else might have eyes for the Holy Grail on the high table and plot for ways to eliminate the competition.
It could even be one of the groomsmen or bridesmaids pulling the killer move
Everyone knows that at weddings speeches are given, right? Well, some folks take it to a whole new level. When their opportunity to give a speech comes, they will talk about the bride, talk about the groom, talk about the bride and groom, talk about the bride before she got the groom, talk about the groom before he got the bride, talk about the bride’s life story, talk about the groom’s life story and by the time they are completing, most people will be utterly disgusted and worn out from impatience. A few will brave the speech to the end but only because it is a ‘big person’ talking; probably a minister or aspiring politician who happens to be affiliated with bride or groom’s parents. They will lay out their political manifesto, bash the Government if they are of the opposition or talk about the benefits of NRM if they are pro-Government. Since they usually contribute quite handsomely to the wedding, they must be allocated all the time they want but really everyone would rather they didn’t give a speech.
The Others Animals
There are others like the monkeys who are uninvited but somehow learn the names of most relatives within a matter of minutes, the tortoises who are there to nudge the youths to get married sooner, the squirrels who are there to take home the decorations and whatever else they can carry as well as the meerkats who are there just to observe proceedings like they have done for the past 59 weddings they have attended.
That will be all for now.
Have a great week friends and if you are planning a wedding, May the force be with you.
For your inspiration …
“Weddings are never about the bride and groom, weddings are public platforms for dysfunctional families.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Blue-Eyed Devil
The Talkative Rocker