The Horoscope (Part 2)

Most of the awesome things in this day and age seem to come in series, parts, segments and bits. Good examples include Samsung Galaxy SII, SIII and SIV; Prison Break Season 1 and II; American Ninja I, II, III, IV and V; Museveni’s 1st Term, 2nd Term, 3rd Term and hopefully 4th term. All these things are an indication that good things come to those who wait. Last week, I very conveniently titled my blog post The Horoscope (Part 1) for the simple fact that you folks would look out for Part 2.

rambo

Remember First Blood, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo III and and Rambo?

After my delivery of the rather cold Horoscope message from the gods last Monday, I was met with quite a lot of animosity and hatred almost everywhere I went throughout the week. It seemed like everyone was intent on killing the messenger instead of taking it up with the gods. For an entire week I was careful which bar I went to, who I sat next to in the taxi and even whose phone call I picked up. Of course along the way I missed a booty call, two business deals and a chance to win a free ticket to the Cranes Game that we won. But that was a small price to pay for my dear life. With this in mind, I consulted with the gods and asked if I should carry on with Part 2 of this Horoscope thing and like the insistent gods they are, they instructed me to go on with Part 2.

Before I can present Part 2 of the horoscope, I just want you all to know that I changed the locks at my place, hired a bodyguard and bought a little side weapon to protect myself. If you approach me with intention of ending my life because of the brutal revelation of your zodiac sign, you will find yourself in a coffin before you can say the words “I didn’t mean to”.

Ladies and Gentlemen the gods will now pick up from where they left off last week with the Horoscope; I therefore give you the Horoscope (Part 2)

September 23 – October 22 (Libra)

There is a huge chance you have (or will develop) body odor issues. The only person who will pick up the courage to tell you this is your crush. And he/she will do this because they are trying to start up conversation with you so they can somewhat get connected to your best friend – that is their actual target. You are only but the means to an end. Ladies, that person you have been dating for several months now is actually as gay as they come. He has only been getting really close to you because he hopes to hit it off with your ex – who himself was also gay the whole time but never really came out of the closet. Do not bother calling up your ex because he moved on swiftly from hanging with cats (also referred to as pussies) to hanging with Donkeys (also referred to as asses). If you are a Libra and you don’t understand the thing with animals, look up the word Euphemism. I just hope you are not Kenyan because if you are, we have a problem because you might things a little too literally.

October 23 – November 21 (Scorpio)

The pictures you took during your last drunk sex encounter with Person X are about to hit the www. You do not even know you took pictures because, well, you were just too wasted to notice a thing. Too late; the pictures were archived. There is nothing much you can do except selling all your belongings to try and kill off the story by buying off those who have the information. It is likely you will pay them all this money but they will still go ahead to publish the photos. You may as well kiss that job application you had made a few weeks back goodbye. There is no chance on earth you are getting employment anytime soon. Between the court cases involving your soon-to-be-released pictures and your attempts to avoid being lynched by someone’s rightful partner, you are in real trouble. Only one way this will end; you behind bars, no partner, no reputation and certainly no access to any more liquor or cameras for life!

hc01_newThere’s a fat chance you are going to end up wearing a pair of these

November 22 – December 21 (Sagittarius)

You are going to experience the shock of your life. Yes – an electric shock is going to rip through your system it will disorganize the functioning of your brain and a few other vital organs. Either you will end up losing your sanity (if you had any to begin with) or your entire memory will be wiped out. So you will not remember even the most basic things like whether you paid your taxi fare or whether you paid for your drink at the bar. You may try to avoid the electric shock by staying away from all electrical appliances. This will work only for a short while then one day when you are travelling in a taxi, an electric pole will randomly fall on your car. There is just no way you are surviving the shock so prepare yourself and begin to locate people you can donate your vital organs to before they are rendered non functional.

December 22 – January 19 (Capricorn)

A huge embarrassment awaits you. You have been a pretender and hypocrite for a while but you are about to be found out. A large part of your life has been a real lie but you have been steadfast about maintaining the lie. The world is finally going to know about your hidden stash of porn, your use of botox, that whore moonlighting you do , the sports betting addiction you carry or the frequent visits to the witchdoctor. You were born around the time of the year when people were having way too much fun to care about raising little noisy babies so you have issues of neglect to deal with. Even your own pets are going to begin to neglect you.

January 20 – February 18 (Aquarius)

Thinking of a Political career? Huh! Forget it! You are not cut out for politics or even leadership for that matter. Your attempts at notching any position of leadership will end in millions of shillings spent, several instances of mudslinging, a failed marriage and utter failure in whatever election you run in. You are born to follow (from very far behind by the way) and not to lead. Even in your own home, the children will make the decisions and your work will be to bankroll these decisions. Obviously this will drive your dysfunctional family into some kind of confusion but you will be used to this because you will be confused after all. Your best shot at making it in a position of leadership will probably be when you are leading the line into Rehab. Other than that, let it rest – you are a born follower.

YOuAquarius, you will follow and not lead 

February 19 – March 20 (Pisces)

You folks come last because that is what you are; the least important. You are already whining about this sad realization because that is what you do best – whine! No one around you will even notice that you are present. Even with the excessive make up, strange hair styles and eccentric fashion no one notices you that much. Stop complaining about Nando leaving Big Brother because a) no one cares b) Nando doesn’t even know you and c) who the hell is Nando anyway? Even the gods do not know him; they do not watch Big Brother. In the very near future, something very groundbreaking is bound to happen in your life; you are about to experience a change in your life. Sadly, it will be a change for the worse. If it isn’t a demotion at work, it most certainly will be the discovery that the makeup you have been using all along has chemical substances that have been reducing your lifespan tremendously so much that you have a few weeks left to live. But don’t worry; remember nobody cares.

And on that note ladies and gentlemen, I shall implore you to take some time to see your lives. Reflect on your insufficiencies, shortcomings, fears, inabilities and failures. Then take a deep breath and smile because when all is said and done, you cannot change your past but you most definitely control your future.

I sign off with the traditional weekly quote

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves; we are underlings. – William Shakespeare

Enjoy your week

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

 

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