I have always wondered what sort of magic the people who make horoscopes practice. I often am in awe of the size of balls they carry around in their pants because they seem to be know too much. They literally know what will happen to everyone. The more disturbing fact though, is the religiousness with which people read and follow these horoscopes. I often scoff at people who read these things. Occasionally, I too might peep to see what the stars have to say about my sign but this is only because the horoscopes are usually located somewhere near a crossword puzzle (which I am more interested in) or the lonely hearts section (where I usually check to see if there is any random girl’s phone number I can pull a practical joke on).
After several weeks of research, it dawned on me that actually, the stars do speak to us; call them fortune tellers. Now before you rubbish this talk of fortune telling, allow me to reveal a secret. You see, very recently, I took it upon myself to gaze at the stars and see if the gods had a message for me. (They and I engage in conversation quiet a lot and we talk about you; the human beings.) As it turned out, my friends, the gods, did have a message for everyone who would read this blog. They gave me a full break down of a half year horoscope for everyone. They gave it to me on Two Tablets. Not the Samsung tablets but like the ones Moses was given.
It looked something like this …
As a diligent servant of the gods, the onus is on me to share this horoscope. And so without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the horoscope (part 1)
March 21 – April 19 (Aries)
Your life has been slow, dull and boring. It is going to get worse. That other woman you have been sleeping with has syphilis. But worry not, you don’t have syphilis. Besides, syphilis can be treated. Your problem is much bigger than syphilis – the most recent wild night of loud sex you had with her will be your last because your gonads have reached their expiry date; they cannot perform any more. Start to think about adopting and also prepare an explanation for your partner who will want to know where your ability to perform has gone. It is likely she has also been sleeping around but her problem is not as bad as yours. Your safest bet is to come clean and talk to her about it. She might ask for a divorce and take half your property in the process but this is better than dying with the guilt. Besides, when she takes the property, there will not be too much to cry over you will have sold a good chunk of it to try and fix your gonad problem – in vain. For the ladies, there is a great chance you will skip your periods this month. You are not pregnant; one of your ovaries is dead. Henceforth, every child you bear shall be one eyed, one eared and one legged.
April 20 – May 20 (Taurus)
Your search for employment has been tiring, stressful and fruitless. Brace yourself for you haven’t seen anything yet. The degree you got a few years back is about to become meaningless because you will now require two of those to make it. The little job offer at the local bar near your home should not be taken too lightly. They want you to do the pole but you are hesitant. Take it up; it is the only shot you have at making it in life. The pay will be pathetic, the owner of the bar will treat you like a whore and customers will pay peanuts to sleep with you – embrace it nonetheless. This is your destiny. The white collar job you have been eyeing shall be given to an expatriate with lesser knowledge of the job than you and he will be paid twice as much as you would have settled for. But this should not worry you because you are destined for the bar job. If you are employed, the person giving you trouble at work is only doing it because of your bad odor. Do something about that or you are two weeks away from being fired.
May 21 – June 20 (Gemini)
This thing you have been carrying around called a ‘career in music’, please stop it. You are not a musician. Your own partner and friends hate your singing but they have put up with you because they love you – and also because they are afraid that if they tell you the truth you might become suicidal. Your voice is terrible and all your songs are plain ridiculous. This week, one of your very close friends will walk up to you and hit you with a microphone for singing so horribly and your friendship will end right there – on a microphone note. Also, if you have been called a celebrity in the recent past, it is very likely your sex life is going to become so wild and loose. Between now and the end of the year you will get one of either herpes or gonorrhea for all the wild unprotected sex you are having. The story of your sexually transmitted disease shall make the papers. You will sue the tabloid that breaks the news and you will lose the case, causing you to have to pay them. Save up for this.
June 21 – July 22 (Cancer )
Begin to channel your energy towards starting a new relationship because the one you are in is about to get abusive. Your partner is bound to start calling you terrible names right in the middle of your sexual acts. And then they will forget and call you these same names in front of your in-laws. Save yourself the embarrassment and ask for a divorce as soon as possible. The children your partner has been using to empty your bank account are not yours. In the 9th month you will meet their true father – he is actually a relative …of the woman you call your wife. There are many things that your wife did not reveal to you and one of them is that she comes from an incestuous family. The other being that she is actually a witch. She practiced witchcraft to get you to marry her but of course you do not know this because all along you thought it was true love. It was because of the money and once it is over, the relationship shall come to a sad ending.
July 23 – August 22 (Leo)
If you have never taken alcohol, the next 6 months are going to be very crucial in your life because you are suddenly going to take to the bottle with ferocity. You might be checked into rehab once or twice and possibly come close to death but don’t worry, you shall not die of alcohol. What will kill you will be your neighbor’s cat. It will scratch your eyes out in the 12th month and you shall die of rabies. Prior to your death, when you start drinking, you will spend all yours and your partner’s savings on this little habit. You will struggle through this but you will eventually make it – after selling off one of your partner’s kidneys. Start to withdraw from people. They will invite you to all sorts of parties and drink-ups just so they can see you wasted. During one of your drunken stupors you will send a very nasty message to your boss, your mother and your landlord. This shall happen in the 10th month of the year.
August 23 – September 22 (Virgo )
Everyone around you has been saying that you are very good company and that you are a very nice person. They have all been lying. You are indeed very terrible company. Your jokes are stale, your language is pathetic and your speech is too slurred for anyone to like you; they just have never told you. Stop talking to people too much, they don’t like you. Focus on new activities like golfing, playing solitare and yoga. In the 7th month. Your temper shall be over the top and you will say some really bad things to your best friend. Then they will sleep with your partner to avenge this and you will find out on the day when you are planning to apologize for your untamed tongue.
Next week, I shall continue with the horoscope but only if the gods permit me to share the rest of it.
I leave you with that little bit of inspiration I like to drop every week.
A wise man shall overrule his stars, and have a greater influence upon his own content than all the constellations and planets of the firmament – Jeremy Taylor, clergyman (1613-1667)
Have a super week friends
The Talkative Rocker