Candidates for 5 Million

In the very recent past, the beloved President of Uganda Mr. 1986 has been engaged in several activities of profound generosity. He has proven over and over again that he is head and shoulders above everyone else. If anyone doubted his vision, well, those doubts should now be put to bed because clearly YKM is not one of us. First, there was the 5 Million shillings that MPs devoured as they discarded the term limits. Then there was the sack of money that the folks in Busoga fought for. Along the way there were some brown envelops that exchanged hands; all this because of the extreme generosity of Mr. 1986. Very recently there was this other 5 Million that the survivors of the Namungona tragedy were awarded.

From this generosity, two things stand out. First of all, Mr 1986 is clearly a man with a vision and his vision is to be generous and compensate people for the trouble they go through. Secondly, the threshold seems to have been set at 5 million. Save for the Busoga Youths who seemed to have gotten a little more than they could count, it is safe to say that the 5 million threshold has quietly been agreed upon.

While visiting Mulago Hospital after the Namungona tragedy, I realized that several people were anxiously waiting to feast on the 5 million shillings that was meant for the families of the victims. Some of the supposed claimants were old girlfriends, others former neighbors and some were distant forgotten relatives. A friend (names withheld after a little bribe was accepted by yours truly) made an attempt to try and claim the 5 million shillings. His plan was to appear as a friend of a relative who was formerly working with one of the ex girlfriends of the survivors. A very lengthy description of the relationship but for 5 million shillings, this brother was more than willing to give it a shot. I am not at liberty to disclose how far his claims went but just know I was invited for a boat cruise slated for next month.

With this story of compensation still fresh in my mind, I wondered why and how people should claim compensation. As such, it occurred to me that the next time Mr. 1986 is giving out 5 Million shillings for appreciation or compensation, he should follow a certain criteria. Just so his work is easier, I came up with a list of some people who should be top on that list. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen I give you my list of candidates for 5 million compensation.

Afande Jim Muhwezi

Now if you have just crawled out from under a rock, here is what happened over the weekend. One of the ‘historicals’ had his briefcase snatched in London. It may seem that a whole retired Major General has no business allowing his briefcase to be snatched but when you have been out of action for a long time, your black belt skills tend to wear out. His briefcase together with an iPad and a number of phones were apparently stolen while he was in London. Speculation is rife that he might have had important documents in his briefcase; probably a letter – like the one Sejusa wrote. Other rumours contend that it might have been a stash of Porn magazines. No one knows, all these are but rumours. He however needs to have the 5 million awarded to him so he can go for a refresher course on his black belt antics. From what I gather, big men (especially the historicals) are more likely to rob than be robbed. Clearly Afande Jim needs to polish up on his skills. Give him the money to enrol for karate lessons. We shall not have big men like him embarrassing us by having briefcases stolen left right and centre.

Smithor he can just watch Karate-kid and have his memory refreshed

Afande Bongomin

If you have been to the police uniports in this country, you will agree with me that the standard of living is something between deplorable and scary. How and why these ninjas are able to report for duty every day, I have no idea. Now Afande Bongomin is one of the folks residing in these uniports. He is an afande with a very furious and serious look on his face. If you were planning to commit a crime and he stared at you for a few seconds, you would pee in your pants and probably lay out all the plans you had, right there in front of him. This guy curses the day the CHOGM came to Ugandan. Fine, he curses almost everything from the Government, to his wife, to his 8 children, to the opposition members, to his own parents for bringing him onto this pathetic earth. However, the one thing he curses the most is CHOGM and the biggest reason for this was the promise it brought and the manner in which the promise fizzled out. Prior to, and during CHOGM, the police was a very respectable place to work. The cops were happy, well fed and totally loving their job. When CHOGM ended, all they were left with were massive appetites, plenty of rowdy Ugandans to deal with everyday and white useless uniforms. The 5 million shillings would totally come in handy for Afande Bongomin because it would help him get over the abandonment. It would also help him acquire a few more white uniforms because the current ones have since lost their original colour. They still have traces of white but you have be keen to actually realize that they were once white.


This is a random Sudan People’s Liberation Army (SPLA) soldier. But Bongomin has likeness with him

Nalulungi herself; Stella Nantumbwe

Over the weekend, a certain twenty-two-year old beauty, Stella Nantumbwe, defied her curfew rules and stayed out late to win the title of Miss Uganda. Along with the win came a brand new Mercedes Benz ‘A’ Class and a monthly allowance of Shs 1.5m for the next twelve months. Obviously this seems like a healthy package considering all she had to do was look good, whisper a few words in a fine accent and smile at everyone. As a Christian, I have grown up with certain values and lessons for instance love your neighbour as you love yourself, when someone slaps your left cheek, turn the other cheek and more importantly; to those who have, more shall be added. That last lesson comes in handy right now because I think as much as Stella won all those things, she should be added the 5 million shillings – to make God’s word come true. The same verse also talks about those who have little being reduced further. So after she has been awarded  the 5 million shillings for surviving the competition and emerging with all her make up on, those other 21 girls should contribute money and give it to Stella. She has been through a lot and she deserves the money. Besides, she will be representing Uganda at the Miss World Beauty pageant. Give her the money – give her all of it!


5 million shillings says she will go far in the Miss World thing 

Earthquake Survivors

After the recent tremors that hit Uganda, it would be right to say that since most of the people emerged in one piece, they are true survivors. Naturally, the 5 million would come in handy for them because, well, they faced this harrowing tremor with extreme fear. Many of them were left shaken by the earthquake (pun definitely intended) and they deserve some kind of compensation for what happened. Why the opposition has not fronted this proposal, I have no idea. They are not the opposition for nothing. Someone has to remind the Government that it is the root of all problems, no matter what the actual cause may be. As a by-the-way, can we have a commission of inquiry set up to investigate why the opposition is sleeping on the job? Instead of wasting funds investigating Lukwago’s supposed inability to perform; can we please find out why the opposition is not fronting this earthquake thing? 5 million should immediately be set aside to cater for the earthquake survivors; they went through a lot!

The Friend-zone & Bro-zone Club

Men have suffered over the years. They have suffered so much and I think it’s about time they were compensated for this suffering. If you are female, you will probably not relate with this perfectly but the guys have suffered inside the friend zone and bro zone for far too long. These regions are so dark, so cold and so lonely. I propose that all men who have been frienzoned and brozoned against their will register somewhere so they can be compensated. Now this compensation has to come from the pockets of the exact ladies who initiated and orchestrated the zone. If as a female you friendzone a guy without his consent, that’s 5 million shillings compensation you must part with. If you friendzone 6 guys, ma’am, you will have to part with 30 million shillings; and with taxes that should come up to a whooping 45 million. It’s about time men stood up for their rights. Women have had their way for far too long. Men emancipation starts right here, right now!

friend-zone-22Shut up Morpheus. You know nothing about the friendzone!

I have a list of about 87 different folks who deserve a 5 million shilling compensation but as the habit is, I shall blame my failure to outline them on the fact that people complain when I write too much. So, I shall let this one rest for now.

Also, if you believe you deserve 5 million shillings compensation, please let me know why you deserve it and who exactly should compensate you. I am compiling a list that I hope to hand over to the speaker of parliament who also has to compensate us for the strange hair styles she often wears. Hopefully she will consider a proposal to Mr. 1986 for a Ministry of Compensation.

And for your weekly doze of inspiration …

My belief is firm in a law of compensation. The true rewards are ever in proportion to the labour and sacrifices made ~ Nikola Tesla

Yours truly




The Talkative Rocker


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