For the seemingly endless time I have been on this earth, I have learned three very undeniable facts. Love can be brutal, English is a difficult language to master and being a human being is tough – very tough actually. Without necessarily trying to see the link between these three, we can all agree that the first two need no deliberation. As for the difficulty of human life, I shall attempt to shed a little light. You see, when we are born into this world, we each have some kind of hope for the future. However, while some people turn out wealthy, good looking and famous, others are relegated to using phrases like “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” and “money can’t buy happiness”. Money may not buy happiness but it can buy you me Island in the Mediterranean, get me a hot wife (who may or may not love me), order me a custom made Range Rover Evoque, find me some courtside seats to a Boston Celtics vs Lakers Game at the TD Garden in Boson and even get me on first name basis with the several rich people. Now that may not be happiness but I’m pretty sure it’s close enough. I can live with that. That said; the one thing that many people imagine will make them happy enough is being famous. So out of the generosity of my heart, I decided to think up some worthwhile strategies you can lay to become famous; and eventually happy.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you a perfect path to happiness – how to be famous!
1. Marry a Rich Person
Without necessarily playing the role of a marriage expert, I’d like to think most marriages fail because one partner feels like they are not getting what they had hoped for when they said those self implicating words “I do”. If you are hoping to get famous someday, look out for rich people. These rich folks are your gateway to eternal fame. Here is why. If you marry a rich person, for starters everyone will want to be in good books with you. Since you are the one screwing the money bags, there is a fat chance everyone will want to be on first name basis with you. All the leeches, wenches, schemers and strategists will be looking to have you on their side and them on yours. They all know that when it’s just you and money bags in the sack, you can influence them to buy half the world in the name of love, fake or real. Fame doesn’t come any easier than this. The only trick here is how to get the rich man. Most rich men already have a load of leeches trying to win that number one position so brace yourself for some real slimy competition. You can however find ways to eliminate the competition (but this is a discussion for another day). The point is, marry a rich person and you are half way on your journey to fame.
Prepare your shovel … you are in for some major mining of fame
2. Some Hidden Talent
Many books of inspiration and motivation seem to claim that every human being somehow has a talent. If by the end of your teenage years you have not discovered your talent, either you are not a complete human being or your talent is being talentless. Either way, you owe it to yourself to discover your true talent. People like Adele, Lionel Messi, Ian Thorpe, Nelson Mandela, Tiger Woods, Tom Cruise and Ken Lukyamuzi all discovered their talents at a very young age and they harnessed these talents from the word go. You too need to start developing your talent at an early age. In case you are above the teenage age, worry not. Women usually say men truly grow up when they are 35 so gentlemen; you are still at “an early age” if you are under 35. As for women, the mere fact that even a 40 year old women will explode into tears at the sight of her favourite character in a soap being killed is reason enough to conclude that maybe women never really grow up either. So we are all still enjoying “an early age”. If you have a rather sick talent like downloading porn clips at an abnormally fast rate despite slow internet speeds or attending talent search shows and sucking every damn time, hold onto it. Develop the talent. Someday you just might become an expert on Porn downloads or a consultant on “What not to do at a talent search show”. Oh and if you are hoping that at the age twenty seven you can suddenly become an athlete destined for Olympics, please stop. I tried it already, it doesn’t work. Usually ends in huge medical bills couple with check-ins at the rehab center. Let that dream go. Hope onto another dream bus.
3. The Proverbial Sex Tape
By now, a vast majority of internet users are fully aware about how the sex tape thing works. Well, just in case you do not know, here is a little breakdown. Step 1 – Plan a sexual encounter with a famous person Step 2 – Carry along a fully charged camcorder for the encounter (just don’t inform the other person) Step 3 – Find a suitable position for the camcorder; preferably a position that the famous person will not decipher Step 4 – Record Proceedings of your steamy encounter with famous person Step 5 – Go to the bathroom and do a little celebratory dance because you are halfway through the journey to becoming famous Step 6 –Make a copy of the said sex tape and circulate it around. Step 7 – Wait for a phone call from Red Pepper and demand front page status This one will work by all means and before you know it, the entire country will know about the sex goddess that you are. This however, is mostly effective for females because they tend to want sex and fame while men are mostly in for just the sex. You have to be sure though that you are sleeping with a famous person because anything less than a famous person will have your sex tape finding its way to nasty video tube dot com (please do not under any circumstance check that site if you are in office. You will get fired). If your sex tape ends up on that site, you will also have to part with $$$ to view your own video and worse still, the proceeds are not even coming to you! Not cool!
4. Make a Wild Confession
For many people the gay subject (and this is a very touchy subject) is still a no-go area. If you want to become famous, make a confession in this direction. Of course you are likely to be stripped of your position as the choir leader at your local church but at least you will be known beyond your local church. Follow this up with an interview on a well known TV station and maintain your candid stance. Do not under any circumstances bow under pressure and even if people allege that you might be funded by gay activists, rubbish that talk and continue to pursue openness and truth. Appear on as many media fronts as possible so that the whole world can know that you are indeed candid. The fame you earn from this stint is bound to follow you to your grave. Disclaimer – The events described in this section are not in any way intended to relate to events that might be happening in your city, country or world. This is purely fiction … well most of it.
5. Just Be Funny
Now this is a section many people I know should just skip because it is not going to happen in a million years but just so you can help a friend who might have a funny bone, keep reading. A good number of the comedians around us are famous people. We seem to say all comedians are funny. Some are funny because they actually have truly hilarious jokes. Others are funny because the public has generally agreed that the word funny can be used to refer to someone who cracks the same jokes over and over and even when they are washed out, he still cracks them … but he never seems to break them. This is the only reason why you can explain ‘comedians’ whose jokes never seem funny but somehow one or two drunkards in the house seem amused. Make sure you are the sort of person who will make people’s ribs hurt more from your jokes than from their sitting postures as they doze off during your dull and lengthy comedy stints. Funny people are good company. They cheer you up when you are otherwise feeling low so naturally they have many people following them around thus fame.
If your crowd looks like this, it’s probably best don’t to carry on with the comedy show …
6. Support a Dead Cause
A few weeks back I had an argument with four people. They insisted that it was impossible to date four people at the same time. I told them it was very possible and I stood by my allegation. Obviously I came off as some heartless womanizer (if only they knew!). I was only trying to think beyond the usual; to support a dead cause. Word went round that I believed it was ok to date four people and before I knew it, I was receiving calls asking how many girls I had slept with. Clearly, this was blown out of proportion because my original argument was “one can date four girls” and not “one should date four girls” or worse still “one is dating four girls”. But don’t mind me; your turn has arrived. Pursue a dead cause. You should probably not pursue this same subject because even though I nailed it, I could do without the backlash. You on the other hand should find a different cause to support. Wake up and say you are against animal cruelty or that education of the boy child is under threat by women emancipation. Other dead causes include increasing the number of MPs, having more bars in the city and rallying people to stop paying taxes. All these are causes that will definitely get you ‘trending’ and before you know it, you will be known.
There are plenty more ways you can book your ticket to fame but in the interest of time (plus I need to let you go start practicing how to become famous) I shall let the subject rest for now.
Here is a little quote to get you going …
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous – Robert Benchley
The Talkative Rocker