Just in case you have glanced over at your calendar and realized it is Monday, keep calm; these things happen every once in a while. Misfortune tends to befall us not because we deserve it but because, well, it has nothing better to do. Since animals and plants do not care so much for what day of the week it is, we as human beings have to shoulder the burden for all living things – algae and bacteria involved. So while all other living things are not so bothered about Monday, we shall suffer this evil curse on their behalf partly because we are very noble beings but mostly because we have no option.
Let us attempt to look at how we can spend this rather useless day called Monday. There being too little light shining on this subject though, I had to search far and wide to find some reason to say Monday is not all that bad if you have what to do. The search brought me to certain pointers and I found it prudent, noble even; for me to share these pointers.
Ladies and gentlemen there are things you can focus on to try and make this day glide away without much notice.
1. Focus on Nicki Minaj
Obviously if, prior to reading this post you were singing along to Nicki Minaj’s song Stupid Hoe and you were nailing the lyrics it, you will probably not see how and why she features here. Take a second however, and step back from your rather little and somewhat darkened world. Think about all the good things Nicki would be doing with that motor mouth she has. Aside from the fact that she would be an asset at blowing certain things (and this is something men and a few twisted women will understand quite well), she can make for a good cartoon character. Imagine Freddy Flinstone coming home not to Wilma but to Nicki Minaj (who would ideally be Minaj Flinstone). If your imagination can not stretch that far, imagine, Nicki Minaj having arguments with SpongeBob over whether or not Gary is the right pet and why Gary meows like a cat yet he is actually a snail? And if your imagination can not stretch that far either, think of Nicki Minaj as a character in the animation ‘Sarah and Zingo’. Does anyone remember that cartoon that used to air on UTV back in the day? What if Minaj was Sarah’s other pet, probably not a monkey like Zingo but a lizard or better yet a Skunk? Wouldn’t that make for an awesome character?
2. Black Monday Movement
Without necessarily coming off as a politically psyched wanker, I’d like to think that the Black Monday movement has some real legitimate issues. Apart from the fact that many Mondays tend to be cold and therefore a Black outfit comes in handy for warmth and all, there is the idea that Uganda is pretty much boring on a Monday. So why not join these folks and drum up some newsworthy material for the pressmen who will be trailing your every move without a doubt? How about passing on those flyers and when the press approaches you with Simeo Nsubuga and his brother Kale Kayihura questioning you, grab that moment of fame. Break into a non-stop rant about how Ugandans have refused to embrace Twitter the way Kenyans have. Complain about how we conceded a rather weird goal from the half way line in Liberia and demand a commission of inquiry to look into the witchcraft that was involved. Take a moment and ask the pressmen and women why they have shunned reporting about Bad Black and the white investor she was giving a tour of the city. By now, the movement will have gained plenty of attention and you my friend will have succeeded in creating some real action on a Monday. You could even feature on NTV at 1 and then Faith the news anchor would grin as she reads the story about you.
3. The Bar Hopping Law
With this new drunk-walking law that is being fronted, it is safe to say that the only way around it is bar hopping. Yes, that is right; bar hopping! We can’t drive, we can’t walk, but at least we can hop. Suggest this to your local MP. Since it is Monday, most of the MPs will be looking to make a smart entrance into Parliament. Wait for them around Parliament Avenue and present your paper, give them a well detailed explanation of why the bar-hopping law should be added to the constitution. Now this would balance out the equation for folks who have been wondering what next if drunk-walking and drunk-driving have been banned.
Remember we are looking for ways to make your Monday worthwhile. So before you begin asking what the meaning in all this is, look in the mirror and remind yourself that it is Monday, you have every reason to waste a couple of minutes away.
4. Casual Monday
Now would be the time for you to consider using that suggestion box at your work place. Since sending an email to your boss is very main stream and you might be called in to answer some uncomfortable questions, you want to be as discreet as possible. Get a piece of paper and make the suggestion for “We need a Casual Monday” in as many different fonts as possible. Sign off each employee’s name on a different note and drop them in the suggestion box preferably at lunch time when everyone is looking for something to bite. Make sure these small notes cannot be traced back to you otherwise you just might have to consider a career elsewhere. After dropping these little chits in the suggestion box, sit back relax and Google “How to Start a Revolution at Work”. The results will come in handy.
5. Random Emails
Over the time I have had my email address; I have learnt that many people seem to actually care about me. I have received countless emails asking if I want more girth and if I want to enlarge my Penis. Obviously they must have installed some hidden cameras in my bathroom to know all these rather intimate details but that does not bother me too much. It didn’t seem to bother Prince Harry either so why should I be bothered. I think these people actually care about my well being. Once in a while though, they make very wild assumptions like I might need wider hips or more skin tan or even cheap dog food, all of which do not apply to me. Like I said, I am thankful that someone somewhere cares about me. Take some time and care about a random internet user. Take some time and send out some heartwarming emails about how you can tell someone’s future or how you have a pot of gold stashed away somewhere and you want them and only them to have it. The Nigerians have beaten us to this little game but who said we cannot play catch up? Send some random emails to your friends and tell them you might have discovered a remedy for sleeping sickness or you might have discovered how to increase the rate at which a woman cums. Sit back and watch the responses pile in. You my friend are spending your Monday quite well.
By now surely a good chunk of your Monday has gone down the drain. It has gone down the drain because, well, it is a useless day. And since our forefathers felt like we really needed Monday, do not disgrace them by scrapping the day off your calendar lest you get struck by lightning. Continue to live the day but make sure the folks who created Monday turn as many times as possible in their graves. Monday has been and still will be the worst thing ever created, except when it is a public holiday. Nothing is better than a Monday that is a public holiday! We have one around the corner as well by the way. And No – don’t glance at your calendar. Just believe that Easter Monday is around the corner. Not too far off now.
Keep calm and hate Monday – for now!
Always make sure you win the battle against Monday, or at least die trying!
The Talkative Rocker