I know I have in the recent past promised to write a letter to you but I’ve been abnormally busy just admiring all the new posters of you that I just recently added to my already over flowing collection. Forgive my laziness my dear and believe me when I tell you I wanted to write to you every damn day and night. I have actually written and trashed well over 735 letters for fear that you would think I was stalking you.
Every day that passes, I become more and more convinced that you and I are destined to be together not just as soul mates but also as business partners. I will discuss this thought after we have signed our marriage certificates. My hope is that eventually you and I shall be buried next to each other in my ancestral burial ground in Serere District.
Just yesterday I had this rather strange dream that you and I were the first occupants of the newly acquired territory in Mars. Yes – just you and good old me. We had 3 little kids and you were pregnant with our 4th. Of course as an African man, I thought the gods should have permitted me to dream of us having 8 kids and you being pregnant with the 9th but what the hell, 4 is not too bad. There’s only too many babies a pretty girl like yourself can push.
I have written this letter for a number of reasons but mostly to request you to consider moving to Africa so you and I can set up base here and start a new life. I am ready and willing to forget all those other people who have crossed your path. People like Michael Weatherly with whom you co-starred in Dark Angel as well as Cash Waren whom you met while filming Fantastic Four are now in the past. Waren might legally be your husband right now but that’s all going to change. I’m working on a plot that should get him to confess to having an affair with an under age girl – probably Justin Bieber. So that’s a divorce waiting to happen. As soon as you sign the divorce papers, our path to marriage starts right away.
I know you probably have heard about this so-called “Ebola” outbreak that has been around my city of Kampala and you are worried about coming over but I swear it’s under control. The situation is calm and quite honestly I don’t believe I have it. I feel fine. Apart from the slight headache, persistent nausea and unending cough, everything else is perfect. The other day, our president encouraged us to avoid being intimate to stop spreading Ebola and I simply smiled because, well, I have been preserving myself for you so I’m covered. You could say I am one of the Ebola free Ugandans walking around with my nose in the air and breathing in fresh uncontaminated oxygen. I’m all yours beibe.
I am still in the process of convincing my dad that you and I are destined to be together because he seems to think that a certain local girl who goes by the name “Magdalene” is a better fit for me but I have continuously insisted that it’s either you or no one. Magdalene does not even know how to use make-up. What a disaster! My mum on the other hand simply loves you. She has already picked out the outfits for our wedding so worry not about finding the perfect wedding dress. Since it will be a traditional wedding, you will have to fit into a gomesi. Your friend Alicia Keys was here a few years back and she looked dashing in the gomesi. I’m sure you, Jessica will be ravishing too.
I have a somewhat large family and chances are, when you come over, a few of my people will want to live with us but that should not bother you at all because after all, I am heir to a very large piece of land. Yes – I shall be a land owner soon. All I have to do is prove to my parents that you will be my bride. It seems like the various wall paper designs, exclusive Jessica Alba Movie collection and a whole garage of your merchandise has not convinced them enough that I am madly in love with you.
As soon as you come over, you can very well be my Special Agent Sartana Rivera and in turn I will abandon all my other duties and take up my full time duty as your machete.
When we get kids, you need not worry about names because back here, the grand parents of the little off springs will take up that duty. Chances are they will get some really long and hard to pronounce but otherwise sexy African names which I’m sure you will learn to love – with time.
Finally, I would like to just make it known that my wait for your response will continue to be patient and unwavering. This might as well be my 624th Letter but hey, giving up is not in my DNA!
After a seemingly never ending wait for a picture from you, I decided to take it upon myself to download one from the internet. And My oh My! What a Pretty face you got. This is the sort of smile I need to wake up to every morning.
Looking forward to hearing from you
The Talkative Rocker