Reverse Universe

In this universe of ours, there are things that we consider the norm and the accepted way of life. A child is born, they look ugly, they cry, they grow up, become better looking along the way, then they become a nuisance to the society. They then grow too big headed to live with their parents so they move out, meet another grown up parent-deserter (usually of the opposite sex) and start a family. Then they too bear children who also go through the same process and end up populating the world without changing too many rules. Occasionally there are rules that are bent to the point of breaking but overall, this is the way the human race has been able to survive from time immemorial.

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Children turn into rebellious young humans before also ageing 

The other day while I was seating at Javas waiting for a friend to pass by and clear my bill because I was broke, a thought crossed my mind. You see, my mind usually strays far off the ordinary path and conjures up the most unfortunate and twisted scenarios. I got to wondering what would be a likely scenario in case we were living in a reverse universe. For instance what if we started out old, aged backwards and ended up entering our mothers’ wombs to eventually disappear back into our fathers’ loins. I know what you must be saying – this is redundant thinking. Maybe it is, but then again, before you shove this away as utter rubbish (which it quite possibly could be) please hear me out.

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Don’t tell me to shut up!

If we were living in a reverse or parallel world, I am confident we’d be a much more organized group of people and we would probably treat the world and ourselves with softer hands. It would be an interesting world, to say the least.

Wars, What for?

Assuming we were living in this reverse world where we started out old then ended up as babies, there is a chance we’d have very few wars or none at all. No one would want to kill random people because hey, the person you want to do away with today might turn out to be a close relative in the future; worse still – your parent! No one would want to end up a baby with no mother so it is quite possible people would not be too keen to engage in wars. Everyone would want to have a worthwhile childhood with both parents around to look after them, hug them, cherish them and basically provide for them. For this reason alone, no one would want to kill another person for fear of actually eliminating someone who might eventually play a role in your birth (would it still be birth? We’d probably have a different word like Return).

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Imagine crawling back into your mother … 

The school situation

As expected, the older people would have more knowledge and information and therefore would need to go to school so they can unlearn this information. Those blessed (or for this matter cursed) with a lot of knowledge would have to go through various institutions of learning so they can unlearn this information. Interesting, right? And the uneducated ones would simply laze around and enjoy their lives as they count down to the return. Many people would therefore prefer to start out poor and uneducated because that way, they would not need to go through all the various stages of education to unlearn all the information they had in their big brains and to return the massive wealth they are cursed with.

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Uneducated Relaxation

 Entertainment things

Imagine a scenario where someone has to sit in front of a TV so the TV can watch him. And the TV would cough out instructions every after a few minutes for how someone must position themselves. If you are the kind of person who spends many hours in front of the TV or computer right now, you will be in big trouble in the reverse universe because there, you will be required to spend just as many hours in front of the TV but this time not to your benefit but to that of the TV Set or the computer. As for people who are always scrolling down their phones, there would be a real challenge there. The phone would demand that you slide here, press that, click the other, download this; all this because of your love for the mobile phone. Now wouldn’t that be something!

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Who is the slave now!

 The Question of Dating

The current scenario when it comes to dating is that you start out by dating someone you may not really like that much and then end up with the person you have to spend the rest of your life with. Imagine a situation where you start out with the person you love the most and then slowly go down towards the people you may not really like that much. As for the break ups, imagine a situation where a relationship begins with a heart break and then ends when you are falling for someone. Woah!! This is twisted. You start out with someone you have children with and then end up with someone you can’t stand but must tolerate simply because you have become young and naïve.

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The struggle would be real

The Issue of Memory

Old people have many memories, both happy and sad. Imagine a situation where you start out with these memories and then slowly, they get erased from your mind as you grow younger. Your memory slowly has bits and pieces snuffed out as you grow younger and some of these probably having been dear to you.  Older people would envy young people because young people do not have too many worries to deal with. These is kind of already the situation but in the reverse world, older people would work towards growing young so they would probably ask for advice from the young people on how to do things and how to experience life. And in a strange twist, young people would probably be heroes and inspirations looked up to by the older people. The younger one is, the more inspiring they are. Interesting!

child-teaching

Young children would be professors 

What about death?

As for the issue of death, I assume there would be a standard age from where we all begin. For instance if everyone started out as a weak and frail 100-year-old person, they would then grow younger as the days go by. Along the way there would be risk of death before one reaches their standard age of return. This is a scary prospect because while some people will start out at 100 and die at just the very old age of 99, others would live to see out all their 100 years. Eh! Strange just.

While I was thinking of these bizarre and strange things, someone walked up to me with a bill. And then I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be awesome if I started out full and then left Javas hungry? And hey, I would not need to spend anything, these guys would be paying me to come here and become hungry. Ah!

“Everything you can imagine is real.”  ― Pablo Picasso

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Census Notes

While people in other parts of the world were going on with their boring and event-less lives, Ugandans for the past several days have been witnessing an interesting event known as the National Census. Now if you skipped Civics and Social Studies lessons back in Primary, you might not know what exactly this census was/is. If you are familiar with the Bible, you probably will remember the census from the book of Numbers and also around the time of Jesus’ birth. However, to make things less obscure for you, I shall help you understand the census.

The National Census was an event that involved counting all people within Uganda’s borders and it was conducted by strangely dressed Government representatives who moved from one place to another skipping over puddles, going through alleys and navigating their way from one village to another. I was not counted for reasons I am yet to find out but it is safe to say that most of the people I know were counted.

museveni1

No, Mr President; I haven’t been counted. 

I happen to personally know 3 people who played the role of enumerator and prior to the enumeration; I had asked them to take notes as they went about their census dealings. The plan was to share these findings with the awesome readers of this Blog. Last night they shared their notes with me and I am more than glad to share them with you. I must warn you though that there are some really bizarre findings.

Pauline in Rukungiri

Pauline did her enumeration somewhere in Western Uganda – Rukungiri District to be exact. Some of the homes she approached were not too enthusiastic about the census in the first place. One man feared that the counting was because the Government was planning to engage in a war and therefore needed to know how many casualties it would have to deal with. Another was worried that the NRM Gov’t was leaving power soon and needed to know for sure the economic situation of the people it was leaving behind. One of the families welcomed Pauline rather well, then each of the members laid hands on her – for exorcism. Apparently an evil demon had possessed the Gov’t and was consequently spreading around through the enumerators. One of the homes had a single father who kept grinning at Pauline the whole time she was asking questions. The guy later confessed that he was thankful to God for finally answering his prayer for a new mother to his two sons, and the Lord had done it through the Gov’t; Pauline was about to become a new mother and wife.

VisionHeading out to enumerate crazy Ugandans 

Julius in Banda

Julius did his enumeration in Kampala where it would be expected that the majority of the people were educated, informed and less prone to having strange assumptions. But Alas! People in Kampala were no strangers to weird assumptions and as Julius revealed, some of them were really ridiculous. Somewhere in Banda, a family locked all their doors and windows when Julius was spotted approaching. The old man of the home was not interested in revealing his family’s possessions to a Gov’t that was ‘in the hands of thieves’. Apparently there is so much corruption going on that the Gov’t has run out of money to steal and is therefore now embarking on stealing people’s property. Before this can be done though, the Gov’t but must first find out which citizens are worth robbing. Another person (still in Banda) was short of hurling stones at Julius. This person (who was later restrained by neighbours) was positive that his ex-wife had orchestrated the whole thing. Apparently after their divorce, the ex-wife did not get as much property as she had wanted and therefore sent this random enumerator to help her fight the battle. Just when I thought this was probably bizarre, Julius shared a story of a household somewhere in Kyambogo where the father insisted that his daughters would not be counted. In his opinion, if the girls are to fetch proper bride price in the future, they ought to be hidden away from the public so they can blossom. Julius was part of the public and had to be warded off at all costs.

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And then some families deployed angry dogs

Monica in Nebbi

Monica’s enumeration was somewhere in West Nile Region in Nebbi District. Monica encountered a number of problems including one of the homes not wanting her to leave because they felt that finally the Gov’t had remembered them and they were not going to let Monica leave until their problems of water, the fallen electricity pole and too many witch doctors were answered. Monica was therefore held captive for a little while until a few phonecalls and 1 or 2 cops later she was allowed to go. In one of the villages, Monica was received with what seemed like a real party. Everyone was dressed in what might have easily been their best clothes and the mother was particularly full of smiles. After a heavy and sumptuous meal, Monica got down to asking the questions – at which point everyone appeared shocked. They did not expect this pretty woman named Monica to start asking questions when she had been sent by the Lord to offer them salvation. Yes;  they thought Monica had been sent by the Lord himself. Turns out the father had had a dream about God sending an Angel; Monica and she was supposed to deliver the family from the apathy they had been languishing in for a while.

Yusuf in Nakasongola

Yusuf did his enumeration somewhere near the shores of Lake Kyoga, in a district called Nakasongola.  In a village called Galiraya, which is greatly a fishing community, most of the people’s assumptions were based around their favourite activity – fishing. In one of the homes, Yusufnwas asked about the contents of the bag he was carrying. Apparently the village had been told that Gov’t officials were coming to deliver wonderful fishing nets and it seemed like Yusuf had been sent to do just that. They even went ahead to state the problems they were facing with the fishing, right from the fewer varieties of fish to the overfishing by certain people in the village. In one of the villages, it became apparent that Yusuf had been sent by the Gov’t to settle a feud that had existed for several months. Both families felt they had rights to fish in a certain area of the lake. Yusuf did settle the feud but with more than just a chuckle being held back. One of the funniest stories in Yusuf’s notes was of a woman and her two sons who had religious reasoning behind refusal to be counted. Apparently they belonged to a sect that was totally against this census. Their gospel preached that the census would be conducted by the devil himself and therefore Yusuf was seen as Lucifer in the form of a strong, sturdy and well built man.

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And then they ran away from Lucifer

Reading through the notes from my enumerator friends, I can safely say that certain Ugandans are not just hilarious people but people with minds that are strangely creative. And while this blog post might seem to state that Ugandans are crazy people (which we are), one must not forget that these were but a few cases of people with bizarre assumptions about the census. The vast majority who were far from crazy, simply welcomed the enumerators, answered their questions, and went on with their lives – and so must you, after reading this Blog Post.

Winnie

My friend Winnie in Kiwatule even treated her enumerator guest to juice

“The true test of civilization is, not the census, nor the size of the cities, nor the crops, but the kind of man that the country turns out.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

The Kampala Rains

It seems obvious that if you are living in Kampala right now, you are huffing and puffing at what seems like a strange twist in the weather patterns. At one point it seemed like the sun was on course to roast us all and send our beautiful city into burning historic oblivion. Just when we were about to start fasting and praying for the rains to arrive, they came; almost right away – in a massive shower! For unknown reasons, the weather gods around here answer prayers in a harsh manner; from extreme heat to massive rains.

I am a self professed lover of the rain; for reasons that stretch from carnal to agricultural. However, not many people share my love for the rain. So when I send out a Tweet with the hashtag #LoveTheRain there might not be too many Retweets or Favorites for that matter. But that’s okay – I love the rain, it loves me and we don’t care about the rest.

Anyway, away from me to the real issue here. Ever since the rains started, there has been a transformation in the way people lead their lives. People now frequent the bars and bufundas, girls now text with more frequency, traffic jam builds up very fast and floods kick in within seconds of a minor drizzle. For someone who is not yet aware of what happens in Kampala during the rainy season, I shall gladly let you in on a few secrets here and there. As usual, this will be at no price.

The Beautiful Island called Bwaise

During the rainy season, there is a little beautiful place called Bwaise that often comes under the spotlight because of the results of the rain. The rain is usually distributed almost evenly across the city but for some reason Bwaise always suffers the wrath of the downpour. Whether it has anything to do with the drainage system or the sinful nature of the dwellers of Bwaise, one can never know. What is clear though is that if you are new to Kampala you might want to think twice about residing in Bwaise during the rainy season. However, if you have any boating experience or if you have grown accustomed to living in water logged areas like a certain big wig who built his mansion in a swamp, Bwaise might not be the worst place for you to move to. Just prepare your scuba wetsuit, one or two boats plus a paddle and you will be good to go.

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Introducing Water Park

The marriage between the rain and traffic jam

Kampala is a city that is blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it) to have many vehicles moving about often aimlessly and haphazardly. In the morning, there is traffic jam. In the afternoon there is more traffic jam. In the evening there is even more traffic jam. It seems like people drive around all day just looking for ways to beef up the traffic. While you may think that this is terrible, wait until it rains. Lawd!!! When it rains, some of the little feeder roads tend to become impassable and suddenly everyone wants to use the same main routes. And then to make matters worse, Taxi drivers begin their race against themselves and against time. The highways then become endless queues of slow moving vehicles all rushing towards the same place – nowhere! For some reason it feels like when it rains, people drive out all their unwashed cars so they can be able to enjoy a free wash in the rain. Smart people clogging up the roads with traffic!

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In Kampala, Rain = Traffic Jam

Dress code Issues

In Kampala we dress to kill; there is no doubt about that. Before you die though, we like for your last words to be; “Woah! You’re looking hot!” then you can go ahead and Rest in Peace. One would imagine that during the rainy season people will pull out their heavy outfits, full clothing, coats, jackets, jumpers, cardigans and boots. But oh no! It appears the weather has no effect on the dress code whatsoever. Whether it is in the offices, on the streets, in the bars, in church or at funerals, we are as sizzling as ever. We have no such thing as dress code for the rainy season and dress code for the dry season. We just have one wonderful fashion style that will work for both occasions. For the females, it does not matter if hailstorm and thunder are eminent, if the effect required shall be attained by a see-through short dress with an extra long slit, then the see-short dress with an extra long slit it shall be. Of course usually late in the night when the cold stings, the equation starts to tip over and regrets begin to stream in. Then there will be a few curses thrown about before the same thing is done tomorrow and the day after. I guess it is true what they say; Smartness knows no weather.

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This is not Kampala but there is no reason it couldn’t be

The Night Life

Just like the dress code, the nightlife in Kampala is not in the least bit affected by the weather. When it rains, happy hour is still at the same time and the same people will show up. Some of the reasons for showing up at the local bar despite the rain will include; getting warmth from the bar, escaping the cold home, trying to warm oneself up with a warm beer, training the body to cope with the cold and my personal favourite – cold beer tastes better when the weather is cold. In fact, during the rainy season, the night life seems to gather a bit more pace because suddenly everyone wants to be around other revelers (oh how I love that word!). During the rainy season there are more sleepovers, house parties, theme nights at local bars, orgies, concerts and galas. During the rainy season I receive no less than 3 emails each week about eminent plot. In fact on Sunday when it was raining, my buddy Felix was wondering whether we could hit the beach. Don’t be surprised – that is how we roll.

4Sounds about right.

Thirst Levels, Libido and Sex related things

The thirst levels we are referring to here are not the thirst levels suffered when one takes a long time without sipping on water. We are referring to thirst levels that are generated when a man or woman is in urgent need of sexual fulfillment by/from someone who they secretly or publicly want to bed. During the rainy season there are more nudes flying around, pick up lines become more intense, tabloids have more material to publish, porn sites get more visitors and the season of sex basically kicks off. To reemphasize the assertion that we are animals; one can say that the mating season begins when the skies open up. People engage in extra-marital, cross-generational, extracurricular and multi-dimensional sex when it begins raining. You will come across more ladies of the night patrolling the streets and you will occasionally bump into a gang of gigolos looking for clients here and there.

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But of course ma’am; it’s gonna rain anytime now

The rainy season is the one time when I am wholly in love with this beautiful sinful city. Love it; LOVE THE RAIN.

“The summer sun was not meant for boys like me. Boys like me belonged to the rain.” ― Benjamin Alire Sáenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Leftover Questions

On 23rd August 2014 Uganda was blessed to have his Excellency the President of the Republic of Kenya Uhuru Kenyatta who after being hosted to a sumptuous dinner at State House Nakasero by Mr. 1986 addressed 3000 Youths. He then went ahead to offer himself for a live-bullets-no-bullet-proof Q&A under the hashtag #AskUhuru. The entire event was part of the 4th Edition of the Pakasa Forum organized by Vision Group of Companies under the party-givership of selfie King Robert Kabushenga. If for some strange reason one did not follow the proceedings on the day, there is reason to believe that one was away on holiday from planet earth because the conversation was pretty much everywhere; on TV, in the papers and online.

I was lucky to be among the guys who attended the Pakasa Forum not as an unemployed and frustrated youth (like a few I knew) but as a Digital Expert keen to follow and share the conversation online. Now, while most of my work involved sharing the conversation on Social Media, I was also keen to engage in a few other things like dashing back and forth from the bathrooms because of the excessive water I consumed, looking around to try and understand why the youths were dressed the way they were dressed, constantly reminding a friend of mine in Texas, USA, that Uhuru Kenyatta is not the president of Africa and re-connecting my laptop to the wifi that seemed to be wonky the whole time. I therefore didn’t quite get the time to ask the questions I needed to ask the big man.

Despite all this, I was careful to have jotted down most, if not all my questions. And even if Mr. Uhuru does not see them, I shall go ahead and share my leftover questions with you, my people. Maybe, just maybe, someone will read them and forward them for answering. Thank you in advance kind but still anonymous person.

Question 1 – Is it really necessary to be married while in power?  

This is probably the furthest one can get from the theme of the day ‘Creating Opportunities for Youth in East Africa’ but I’d like to think that the Q&A was not restricted to issues within the theme – or was it? I shared this question with one or two other people who promised to forward it but clearly it appears the little investment I made of 2 beers prior to the event were not bribe enough for my question to make it through to you. Mr. Uhuru, do presidents also have hearts? Do they have emotions and things like that? I always imagined that they only have wives as a matter of constitutional requirement but if they had their way, wives would probably be the last item on the ‘things-to-have’ list while in power. Have you heard of our friend Mr. Olara Otunnu? He continues to enjoy his single life even though he has (had) designs on the presidency. Do you think he has any hopes or should he go and hunt for a potential wife before hitting the campaign trail again?

Question 2 – Who picks out your wardrobe?

I’m no fashion expert and I’m no guru when it comes to style but I am just curious about the wardrobe thing. Do you wake up in the morning, tell your wife what schedule you have and then allow her to pick out what you will wear? Or is there some Government entity that is tasked with the President’s wardrobe? If there is an entity, is it possible that this entity can work for the whole East Africa? Our president, your friend, His Excellency Mr. 1986 has a good sense of fashion and so does the Rwandan President, the Tanzanian President, the Burundian President and the South Sudan president. However, I imagine if we are to fast track this whole East African integration, it may be pertinent that we have one central place where the fashion for presidents will be decided. If your dress code on Saturday was anything to go by, it is safe to assert that your wardrobe manager is doing a fine job. Any chance you can give him / her a raise and a promotion to handle East Africa? However, in case it is your wife who picks them out for you, just look into her eyes, smile and tell her – I love you honey. I am sure she will get the message.

Question 3 – How do you do this Social Media thing?

Mr. President, I have noticed with extreme approval that your presence on Social Media is quite commendable. For a president whose schedule seems to be packed 24/7 it is impressive that you have time to Tweet, Facebook and visit a few other sites here and there. Have you heard of instagram? My user name is Beewol over there and I have a few not-so- bad-looking pictures you can scroll through. Don’t hesitate to LIKE them because as you may already know, success in today’s world is measured by LIKES and RETWEETS. Speaking of Twitter, have you ever had your account hacked into? How is your DM set up by the way? How many DMs do you receive per day anyway? I assume you receive many from single ladies, unemployed youth, disgruntled politicians, crazy Alshabaab goons and old school mates looking to touch base. The hustle is real.

Question 4 – Have you heard of Hurricane Jennifer?

We have a whirlwind in Kampala that has taken over the city in the recent past. When you came here on Saturday, you might have noticed that most of the areas you passed were neat, tidy and quite clean. Most of this is because of Hurricane Jennifer. This hurricane has been sweeping over Kampala for a while now and several heads have rolled while others have been chopped off their bodies for refusal to comply and adhere to certain standards. Do you have such a whirlwind in Nairobi? I hear that in Nairobi the cops do not tolerate any nonsense in the big beautiful city. I assume it is because you too have a hurricane of sorts that side. Back here, hurricane Jennifer has recently made people have sleepless nights and I wonder if you have such instances in your country. Once again, since we are talking about going East African, can we adopt this Hurricane to take over all our Cities in East Africa? I have a feeling we will grow with ruthless momentum.

Finally, I usually share a quote at the end of every Blog Post. Will you then allow me to share one that has been excerpted from your keynote speech on Saturday? I am sharing it because I felt like it was so deep and full of power. Thank you in advance.

 “East Africa will not be built by anybody other than us.” – Uhuru Muigai Kenyatta, C.G.H., President of Kenya and commander in chief of the Defence Forces of Kenya

 

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Delayed Rapture

For quite a long while now, Christians of the world have patiently awaited the second coming of Jesus Christ. Very many people have advanced theories about when the son of man may return but over time no one has been able to draw a circle around a date and actually get it right.

Somewhere in the Bible, there is a concept known as the rapture. Many Christian faiths are of the view that there is a time coming that shall be known as the ‘end-times’. During this time, all true and righteous believers who will still be alive at the end of the world will be taken straight from earth to heaven by God. This will happen when Jesus makes his second coming.

For reasons that have never really been figured out, Jesus’ second coming seems to be taking longer than expected. The son of man had categorically made it clear that he would return soon. So far, ‘soon’ has turned out to be longer than expected. Naturally, a few theories have been advanced to explain the delayed rapture and as always, I have my own twisted and probably wrong theory which I will share nonetheless.

I shall therefore henceforth offer my submission about why I think the rapture has been delayed and why Jesus has procrastinated about coming back to take us to see his old man upstairs.

Racism and bigotry

I was not around when the good Lord was creating the world but I am certain he did not mean for there to be racism at any one point. How and why we as human beings came up with this bogus concept that one race is more superior than the other, I will never know. What I do know though is that the Lord is not happy with this state of affairs. Once again, he is giving us the opportunity to see our mistake, repent of our ways and stop seeing people as belonging to specific colour, creed or country. One would have hoped that in 2014 since the world is more interconnected than ever before there should be less racism. But behold! It still lingers in our midst. While some people think that strides have been made in the right direction with intermarriages and all, you will be shocked to learn that there are many people who still walk around vending racist ideas and being proud about it. Unless such morons change their thinking, I am afraid, the Son of Mary and Joseph might continue procrastinating on this whole second coming thing.

Racism-is-wrong

Truth!

Bogus Liars, unsent messengers and false prophets

Almost everywhere you turn, there is a new church, synagogue, mosque, temple and worship place being set up. How is Jesus supposed to come back with all this confusion going on? No; seriously, how? It appears there is a religion or sect for every person who has some free time, a little inspiration and whole load of lies packaged together not to mention the desire to make money. Without necessarily pointing fingers, I wonder why and how people have the nerve to refer to themselves as ‘prophets’, ‘men and women of God’ and ‘messengers of God’ when their true lives are filled with deceit, sexual perversion, financial manipulation and abnormally loud smugness. You cannot ask your flock to lead humble lives when you are the same person living an extremely lavish lifestyle funded by the same flock you are fleecing. That right there is why Jesus has put his return on hold. As a shepherd, lose a few properties, drive a cheaper car, wear less expensive suits, have a simpler phone and maybe, just maybe the son of man might consider returning.

False

Leading the folk to hell!

Fake People, Pretenders and Wannabes

I cannot even begin to talk about how much these people are dragging us behind schedule in terms of the return of Jesus Christ. You see, when the Lord was among us, he lived a life of truth and openness. He never pretended to be something he was not. He could have easily been anything he wanted to be but he stuck to the things he knew best; performing miracles, confusing his disciples with brilliantly well woven parables and fighting for women’s rights (refer to John 8.) Today however, you often come across people who clearly are nothing of what they say they are. If you are not a musician, I see no reason why you should go into the studio and record a song just because you can afford it. Stay away from the studio! If you are not a good TV presenter, I see no reason why you should be the one taking us through the News Telecast just because your skin complexion is good for TV. These are the people who are making Jesus Christ stay away. And NO –I am not referring to anyone in particular … or am I?

Pretenders

If you ain’t it, don’t try to be it

Bathroom Selfies, nudes and sex tapes

On any given day, once you get online, there are certain things that you are bound to encounter; a host of bathroom selfies, poorly directed sex tapes and dangerously vulgar nude pictures of otherwise unpretty humans. For starters, I have no idea who invented the idea of taking pics in the bathroom but this person’s name is most probably on Jesus’ blacklist. Since the Son of man is keen on forgiveness and second chances, I believe he is giving this  individual a chance to repent of his sins and ask for forgiveness from the Lord. Nudes and sex tapes are leaking today more than ever before. It appears for anyone to have even half a career in the entertainment industry they must have some kind of audition through nudes or sex tapes. How pathetic! And what is worse is that people seem to imagine that these bathroom selfies, nudes and sex tapes are a great way to attract Likes on Facebook, Instagram and wherever else they can be shared. There is no way Jesus can return amidst this madness. We need to get our sh*t together.

JesusFor the record, I think Jesus was Black

There are so many other people who I believe have delayed the coming of Jesus Christ for instance overly loud Arsenal fans, Ugandan MPs who have no clue what they are doing, Terrorists who continue to imagine that there are virgins waiting for them in heaven as well as people who forward chain messages on whatsapp. As soon as all these people get their act together, I am confident Jesus the son of man will show up.

“The planet is fine. The people are f*cked.” ― George Carlin

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Four Wise Fools

For as long as the human race has existed, there has been a notion spreading from one generation to another about how women are complex and impossible to figure out. A woman is one big ball of confusion covered up in even more confusion and walking around spreading this confusion to any willing and unwilling human. The moment Eve devoured the forbidden fruit, lured her husband into sampling it, and then turned round to blame everyone and everything but herself, it became clear that woman had secured her position as the trickiest being alive.

The-Forbidden-Fruit-twilight-series-2634346-745-664

Where it all started!

Now, before females can pull out daggers, pangas, swords and vile words, I want to begin by stating that I am probably the last person in the world who would know anything about women. One would expect that since I am son to a woman, I have dated a woman and I do have a bunch of unruly sisters I should have some fair insight into women – WRONG. I am as clueless as any man on the face of the earth. However, I have a gang of four friends who insist that they have a grasp of what women really are all about.

Not-so-long-ago these guys and I sat down to try and figure out what women are really about. I was tasked to document (and eventually share) the opinions of these men who I shall call the Four Wise Fools – for obvious reasons. I shall present each wise fool’s opinion along with a brief background to the opinion giver.

Opinion Giver 1 – Kenneth (Not real name)

Kenneth has been married twice and has had his fair share of girlfriends. He is the oldest of the group at a whooping 46 and he is the most ‘experienced’ when it comes to women. With 1 extra marital relationship and 2 side dishes to his name, Kenneth proudly boasts of his years of experience with women. His opinion was therefore documented first.

Kenneth’s Opinion

Women are meticuously crafted beings whose sole purpose on earth is to suck all the happiness and pleasure out of men (there was a bit of emphasis on the sucking although we were not sure why; but we all laughed). They will pretend to like you just so they can get close to you and rip your heart to shreds – they do this ripping thing for fun. They may appear to be fragile, sensitive and vulnerable but really deep down they are rugged, pugilist and mercenaries sent by the gods to finish off men. One or two women might be genuinely nice but only for a while. Once they are in their flocks with other females, their true selves will emerge – vile, horrid and sadistic. When you have the chance to get with one, make it count; leave a scar.

WOMEN

Kenneth Reckons women are out for blood.

Opinion Giver 2 – Francis (Also not real name)

Francis is a fresh graduate, an enthusiastic young active man and a budding loverman. He is dating Martha (definitely not real name) and they have been together for about 2 years now. Martha is a model at a top Modeling agency but word has it that she also moonlights as an escort girl – something Francis vehemently denies. Francis prides himself in never having cheated on his girlfriend and is confident she has also never cheated on him.

Francis’ Opinion

Women are really not that hard to figure out. The secret in figuring out women is in not trying at all. You see, many men spend half their lives trying to figure out women and the other half regretting why they ever tried in the first place. The trick to staying with the same women for long is simple – never start a fight, always apologize even when you’re not in the wrong and never start an argument no matter how vindicated you may be. Never give a woman reason to be mad at you and you just might survive in this life. If by some mistake you make her mad, be quick to apologize for it and make up with mind blowing sex, some intimate one-on-one talk, an expensive shopping spree or something really wildly expensive like a trip abroad. Obviously if you cannot afford this the Universe has already tilted the odds against you but give it your best – sell your liver if you have to but always be ready to spend obscenely on her if you want to keep her happy. In short, spend on her and you are good to go.

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The two have so much in common 

 Opinion Giver 3 – James (can’t be real name or he’ll kill me)

James is a Youth Pastor at a prominent Church in this city. You will find him on any given day either reading the bible, talking about the bible or sharing a bible verse. He is as Christian as they come and is anxiously awaiting the second coming of Jesus Christ. The wait has been long but James will not waiver in his faith. He hopes to have sex (for the first time) when he gets married. Naturally no one believes he is a virgin but he swears by the King James Bible that he has never ‘known a woman’.

James’ Opinion

Women are special vessels created by God to help man grow and fill this world. Women are however not easy creatures to deal with. The Bible clearly states in Proverbs 31:30 that ‘Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.’ Therefore unless a woman fears the Lord, she is bound to turn out evil. In fact, most of the women of the world are complex because they walk in the ways of the world. Women of today also forget the Bible recommends that they play second fiddle to the men. In Colossians 3:18 the Bible is clear; ‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.’ Sadly, most women ignore this and it is why most of them are going to hell. Women waste their time and resources trying to look spectacular instead of seeking first the kingdom of God. Women are complex today because they have shunned the ways of God. All women are going to hell.

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Apparently women need to have this tagged onto them

Opinion Giver 4 – Derrick (Obviously also not real name)

Derrick is a simple guy who lives from hand to mouth. He earns just enough to sustain him and occasionally take a female to a low end bar for some happy hour drinks. Other than that, he really does not fancy spending on women. Derrick will buy 20 new belts before taking a random female out on a date. He is what most people would call stingy. He will only spend on a female when he is sure he is taking her to bed or if he has proven blood relations with her.

Derrick’s Opinion

Women are simply materialistic – that is all! They want this, they want that, they want the other… and what do they offer in return? They nag, demand, stress, complain and quarrel like their lives depend on it. Would it hurt for a woman to foot the bill every once in a while? Huh? Would it hurt for her to surprise me with an air-time scratch card of say 10k? Is that too much to ask. I do not date because women are like bad businesses. You get in there expecting profits, so you invest your whole life savings. Then what do you get? Two whatsapp messages in a day asking if you can send mobile money and finding out if you call back. Useless!! One day they will realise that this whole emancipation business is overated. I hate women!

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Women will put you out to dry in a second!

Note from the Blogger

 The views expressed in this Blog are not the Blogger’s views. As much as the Blogger is not well clued on women, the Blogger insists that the Four Wise Fools are only representative of a small chunk of men. There are men out there who have nice things to say about women. The Blogger is just sorry they were not part of the discussion on that day. The Blogger is however having a trip to Jinja this Weekend where he will meet a number of interesting people who promise to give insight on the same topic. There is hope that some decent words shall be said about women.

Book

In the meantime we’re studying them

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Season Orientation

Ever since the World Cup ended a few weeks back, there has not been much in terms of really juicy competitive football. There have been a couple of games here and there but nothing half as electric or captivating as the World Cup. People who are into football have been starved of some real action. Fortunately, most leagues around the world are about to resume and in a few weeks the euphoria will be right where we want it to be – at the very top.

For someone who lives, breathes, eats and farts football, there is no need to go through any kind of orientation before the football season starts. As a matter of fact, you’ve probably already chosen your side and are chanting away your team’s slogan with extreme pride. You will most likely have already exchanged a few insults with individuals supporting any team that is not yours and you will have already set up wagers left right and center before the season even kicks in. You’ve already predicted where your team will finish at the end of the coming season – at the top.

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Even those who are in sync with the fourth

On the other hand, if you relatively new to the concept of club football, you are probably unsure which direction to take. You are not even sure if you should join in the madness and confusion that usually tends to take over a chunk of Ugandans. True, you supported all African teams during the World Cup, felt sad for Neymar when he got injured; loved Rodriguez’s spectacular goal and were amused by the vanishing spray that the referees deployed in Brazil. Generally speaking though, you are not the most passionate person when it comes to football. You are however thinking of joining a certain camp so as to identify with the cool people who know a thing or two about club football.

Before you can hand yourself in to the dark side for mutilation, I’d like to give you a piece of advice – Stay away from football. You see, I have watched this bogus game called football for over two decades and I can confidently tell you that it sucks! The addiction that you will come under is something of epic proportions. On a number of occasions, you will lose sleep, money, integrity and even relationships simply because of this thing called football. And while still on the subject of losing things, prepare to lose a lot more than just your mind when your team loses by any chance. There are the buddies who will take every second they can spare to remind you that your team lost to theirs and they will gladly keep throwing vile insults your way just to ignite some kind of feud and they won’t fail. You see, if you passionately support a certain team, no matter how many seasons it has gone without a trophy, you will always imagine it is better than all the rest. And so if anyone alleges otherwise, you will not let things slide without a fight (worded or physical).

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Prepare to defend your zone

Along the way, you will forge alliances and create bonds based on your support for/of a certain team or dislike of another team. Some of the people who eventually become your friends will scare you with their passion. Throw in a random hint of criticism that may be extremely objective and all hell will break lose. They will do everything to throw fire in your direction and may possibly even deliver a beating right at your doorstep. These are the kind that seem like they hold shares in the team they support. But don’t blame them – they are just passionate. When their team wins, they will praise the team, heap accolades on the manager and demand for every other team to bow down. When their team loses, they will demand for the manager’s head, insult all the players and threaten to abandon the team. Brace yourself for that kind as well.

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It’s all about the passion

If by now you are getting worried about this whole thing called football, then I am getting through to you. But then again, there are good sides to this demon. When I was watching the World Cup, I was lucky to watch one of the games with a fairly wealthy individual who promised to buy us rounds of drinks every time Brazil conceded a goal. Lucky for us, during that particular game, the Germans were really in scoring mood and the Brazilians somewhat conspired to have us get drunk. Such people are the reason football was invented anyway. They will buy the whole bar a round once their favourite player(s) perform well.

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They can be extremely generous or extremely nasty

While you prepare to venture into this world of club football, you might want to pick up a few tips on which clubs are everyone’s favourites. You can pick on a team depending on anything from Team Jerseys, Historical success, World Wide Support, Famous footballers, to a coin toss. Be sure though that once you settle for a team, you will be obliged to stick with them through thick and thin; like a marriage ought to be. Anyone who swings from one team to another is nothing but a fake individual; like the Pioneer Buses they will be sought out and hung to dry.

When all is said and done however, the decision whether to get onto the bandwagon of football lovers or stay in the lane of boring non-football-loving humans is something that will always come down to you as an individual. Of course there will be little things nudging you here and there for example your awesome friends who keep talking about Juventus, Real Madrid, Manchester United, Bayern FC and Orlando Pirates. Then there are radio and TV stations throwing football related issues in your face left right and center.

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You won’t be able to escape it

Oh, and once you get into the thick of supporting these football clubs, you will have to set aside a chunk of your hard earned money to purchase merchandise like club-tshirts and other items like pillows, bedsheets, pants and other ridiculous items that will hit the market. This is the only way people around you will know that you are committed to the club 100%. The only other way to show commitment is to know plenty of history of the club which from the look of things you might not master seeing as there are a few weeks to the start of the season.

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Sounds about right

So then, good luck with your endeavor.  See you at the start of the season.

“The thing about football – the important thing about football – is that it is not just about football.” ― Terry Pratchett, Unseen Academicals

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter