Low Budget Love

If you have lived in Uganda for more than twenty years, there are some harsh realities that you will have encountered by now. Not so long ago, a bottle of beer was no more than a fifth of its current price, a loaf of bread was way cheaper and it had many more slices and a kilo of beef had more beef than bones; it was even cheaper. Let’s just say things have changed substantially on the economic front. Naturally, the way we live our lives has also changed. A man who used to go out and drink about half a crate of beer is now restricted to no more than three beers, all of which will most likely have been bought during happy hour. A woman who went shopping 2 or 3 times a week now probably does her shopping once a fortnight and it’s mostly just window shopping. Basically, things have spiraled out of control.

Apart from just the prices that have sky rocketed, relationships are more expensive to maintain. Every day that passes, I hear of a formerly happily married couple going their separate ways because of reasons that often have to do with financial matters. Very recently, a close friend revealed that he was finally quitting marriage not because his woman had suddenly lost the hitherto award winning shape of her posterior or that the sex was no longer as steamy but because times are really hard. The brother can barely put food on the table. From having to pay utility bills to footing his wife’s expenses both legitimate and ridiculous, my good friend has decided to put an end to the madness; he just has to take out a bank loan to finance the divorce and all be well. At some point, when he still had hope, he secretly wished that a rich man would befriend his wife and help to cover some of the bills at home because it was getting too much for him. This has not happened yet so divorce is looking the likely option for him. Recently after he and I had taken a few drinks (which, you will be relieved to learn, I paid for) we came to the conclusion that relationships ought to be much cheaper to maintain. Men usually get the short end of the stick because they have to foot most of the bills.

I therefore took it upon myself to try and figure out ways in which we as men can continue to look after our women without having to pull out the calculator every now and again to verify how much we spend with each deed. Friends, I present low budget love.

To hell with first dates!

When two people are starting to like each other and one of them suggests a date, it usually is a sign that the spending is about to begin. Traditionally, the man will be expected to foot the bill on the first date; this is of course if the woman in question is not my friend Godiva who often argues that women and men should share responsibility equally. According to this wonderful lady, a womyn (Yes; that is how she spells it, she’s a feminist) should go on a date ready and willing to foot at least half the bill. If she goes on a first date with less than enough money to foot her part of the bill (just in case the man acts up) she is probably not a real woman, she is just a young girl who is about to be violated. How I wish all women thought like this!

Anyway, usually when it comes to footing the bill, everything might go well in case there are enough funds in the guy’s pockets. There are instances however where there are uncomfortable glances thrown around, especially when the guy has realized that the bills is over and above what he has, even if he combined what’s in his wallet, left sock, back pocket and mobile money account. At such at time, the lady will very uncomfortably look towards the restaurant kitchen and start to calculate how much time she will take doing the dishes. This is around the same time the guy will look down at the floor to see how long it will take him to mop from one end of the restaurant to the other. All this because of a first date! I say, save yourself the expense of a first date. If you see someone you like, walk up to them and make your point heard. If they slap you hard on the face, tough luck! We have all been slapped every now and again; it’s not the worst thing that could happen to a man. Besides, I personally think 7 out of 10 times when a woman slaps a man because of what he has said; she is only telling him to use a different approach. The other 3 times she will slap him because she is a fetishist and slapping is her sexual fetish. Do that to her between the sheets and you have her in your grasp. So if she slaps you at your first attempt, consider it a message; try to decode it. After the first attempt, know whether to dust yourself up and try again or quit the whole thing. If she does not slap you and instead takes some time to hear you out, that right there is your first date; no bills, no dishes to wash and certainly no floor to mop. This business of going on a first date with a girl and you are met with 4 of her friends, 5 of her clan members, 3 siblings and 2 distant cousins; that should end!

The Romantic inexpensive Walk

As the man in the relationship, you are somewhat tasked with coming up with ways to spend quality time with the lady. If you leave this to her, I can guarantee you will regret. Half the suggestions she will come up with will involve spending everything you have and the other half will involve you borrowing from elsewhere. So take it upon yourself to come up with ways to spend time. One very good way to spend quality time is by taking nice romantic inexpensive walks around town. No one is going to charge you a dime to walk through the taxi park or walk along Kampala Road. Take some time and take a romantic walk down Kikubo lane or Market Street. Share some laughs as you see the street hustlers struggle to make a shilling. Gentlemen, you have to be careful here because when you take a walk in certain parts of town, there are 19,403 different things she will see and want you to buy for her. Take her that side of Old Kampala, there are fewer shops there and not so many arcades with expensive items. Alternatively, take her to the area around Namuwongo; that place has more factories than arcades so there is not much buying that will happen when your romantic walk heads in that direction. Stay as far away from Centenary Park as possible; the price of shisha just went up and the price of beer is at an all time high. Also, if your walk can head towards Wandegeya, there is no harm in passing via Lumumba Avenue. There is absolutely nothing to buy there; very safe area to take your woman for a walk. These romantic inexpensive walks are part of the way you are going to bond and fall deeper in love without having to spend a lot. You should however take a quick course in foot massage because after a romantic 4 km walk, she is definitely going to ask for ice cream. Take her mind off asking for anything by offering her a massage.

Look at such a wonderful place to go on a romantic walk. No shops whatsoever in sight!

The Bank Statement Move

Whenever it’s approaching the end of the month, your bank balance is bound to have plenty of empty spaces and a few negatives in some cases. Make a trip to the bank, get the statement that shows your current balance being in negatives and randomly leave it lying around in the house. This one will work like magic. If she sees this bank statement (which she must see by all means because you are going to leave it somewhere obvious like in the kitchen) she is most likely not to ask for too many things for some time. Even if she asks for something, you will innocently say that you will do your best but deep down you know that she is aware that your bank balance is in negatives and there is not much you can do. Obviously women (being the sharper sex) have learnt that this move can be countered by asking for a man’s bank statement at the beginning of the month. Gentlemen, when she asks for the bank statement, come up with an excuse about the bank not delivering the statement. Say something like “Honey pie, Cairo Bank is going to be taken over by Barclays Bank so for 3 months they will not be giving us statements.” That ought to drive the point home. That should keep you going for at least 3 months. This strategy however works best if your wife is a former maid who has not been to school and spends the whole day at home watching Agataliko Nfufu and translated Nigerian movies. If your wife is the learned type, consider this a no-go area.

Cut expenses – stop cheating

There are four things in this world that are just so damn expensive; bribing a judge, hiring Beyonce for a private show, renting a room in a Dubai Hotel and Cheating. While you can sign a quick cheque and have the first 3 at your disposal, cheating is something that costs you a lot more than just the zeros you have in the bank. Since times are hard, you have to be keen to cut down on expenses and one of the expenses that usually stands out is the cheating expense. Having more than one woman usually means having to spend on more than one woman. On special days like birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day, you are going to have to foot double bills. Apart from that, you cannot take both ladies for that other romantic walk on Ben Kiwanuka Street; there will be a brawl.

Having two women is dangerous. You could end up with scenes like these

Gentlemen, if you are looking to have inexpensive love, do the honorable thing and friend zone one of the girls right away. If she asks you why you are pushing her away, use that classic line, “It’s not you baby. It’s me” of course deep down you probably want to add “…it’s not me either. It’s my wallet” but you shall not under any circumstances add that last bit or else you will have a funeral for your manhood. For purposes of keeping your ego intact, when a random juicy babe shows up while you are already dating someone, simply tell her you would buy her everything she wants but you just can’t because you love your partner so much and you want to commit to her 100%. This is going to score you points because it makes you come off as financially able and yet strangely gentleman like. Double score!

Stop making it rain

Many men have the tendency of going to a bar, flashing around money (making it rain) and hoping that they will somehow get girls to go home with them. Strangely, this usually works because like I said, times are hard and many ladies know it. If a dude shows up and wants to buy half the bar for a lady, who the hell is she to turn down such an offer when all she has in the fridge at home is the mineral water that is left over from last week’s visit by a friend? The economy will not sit around and wait for people who cannot grab business opportunities like these. Knowing this then, a man should try as much as possible to leave his ATM cards back at home, with his wife. This way, you do not get to spend excessively and in case you go broke, you have someone to blame. Those random girls who call you up and ask for airtime should be renamed in your phone as “Do not pick 5” “Leech 2” or “Parasite 4”. That way, you will know that every time you are picking up a phone call from “Parasite 6” you are bound to lose a couple of thousand shillings. Ladies are probably reading this and thinking I am creating some kind of conspiracy to keep them perpetually broke. But look here ladies; if your man spends on you and five other girls, what are the odds that you will actually get that Rav 4 you want? How about if he spends on only you? Doesn’t that give you a better chance to drop by your friend’s workplace with your very own Rav 4 bought by your very own personalized boyfriend? Think about it.

unless a man is making a music video about making it rain, this should never ever happen!

When times are hard, you have to find a way to survive. As a man, it is your responsibility to make sure that the women is well catered for at all times. Make sure that as you try to cater for her you do not end up taking loans, selling off property and doing funny odd jobs just to make ends meet. Be a man and embark on low budget love; times are hard.

I leave you with one quite to guide you through the week …

“There is only one thing to do for a man who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it” -  Edgar Watson Howe

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

The Question of Age

It has always been drummed in our ears that one of the questions you should never ask a woman is how old she is. Many women will do everything and anything in their power to keep their true age a secret. The fact is that until around their mid twenties, many women will usually have no problem telling you how old they are. After 25, it is mostly just a guessing game. If you are keen enough to keep track, you could attempt to lodge a complaint and try to correct the lady whenever she shaves off a year or two but I warn you – results will vary from lost friendship to lost life. Beware! That said, it is becoming a common scenario that a couple of men are getting a little uncomfortable being ‘old’ and they too have joined in on the attempts to hide their true age. I originally thought a woman’s age, a man’s salary and the President’s mobile phone number are the 3 things you just will never know. As it turns out, the issue of age is more profound than I imagined. Anyway, I decided to take some time and dig a little deeper into this whole question of age so I could try to understand it better.

The Immaturity of some should-be-mature People

It would seem that as people grow older, the functionality of their brains will also mature. This of course, as fate would have it, is just but an assumption that is usually torn to shreds by a good number of folks. Many people have been victim to this and very often you will find these people behaving like and speaking like immature little fetuses. By the time an adult throws rubbish from his car window in the middle of town, you can’t help but wonder why such a person should not be taken through the paces at Kindergarten so they can learn not to litter. If you have been to several hang outs and night spots in Kampala, you will probably have witnessed the childhood madness that some menopause-bound women display. You will come across some really old women dressed like overzealous teenagers going for a sweet sixteen birthday party or looking like little girls going to the bar for the very first time and looking to leave an impression. They do succeed in leaving a lasting impression although most times it is not a good one. Occasionally you will see them being featured in the tabloids for reasons far from noble. It is true that we all have moments of childhood madness when we do things that are ideally suited for children. However if you are going to momentarily be young, do not go as low as sucking your thumb or walking around with your private parts out. We all have little children in us and we cannot be blamed for letting them out every now and again but in all honesty if you are an adult and the little child in you is making most of the decisions in your life, you need to consider suffocating that little child. Never mind the fact that child murder has been an issue of contention in Uganda. Just go ahead and starve the little chap to death; it is for your own good.

The Guessing & Estimation Game

There are times when you meet someone and instantly make an estimate about how old they might be, as observed from their speech, dress code and conduct. Sometimes you actually even know the person’s actual age because you probably studied together or you are somehow related. Despite this, you need to know that estimating or making a guess about how old they might be is not a wise thing to do. As I recently learnt, you should never estimate someone’s age no matter how tempting it might seem. Very recently I had the luck of getting invited for a birthday party of a dude who has been out of the country for quite a while. Since his return, he’s been throwing parties left right and center. First it was the comeback party, then there was a house warming, then he got a new dog and wanted to celebrate, then he got a maid and that too needed to be celebrated. This time round, it was his birthday; at least that is what I was told. While we were partying away the night, I very casually get into conversation with him and asked if he felt any different from how he felt a year ago. The conversation went something like this …

Me: So, dude, do you feel any different now?

Him: Nah. I still feel like I am 18.

Me: Awesome. You must be hitting the gym quite a lot and feeding well

Him: Not really. I think I just have good genes

Me: Good genes? Nice. So, how old are you anyway?

Him: I just made 25.

(At this point, I almost spat out my drink because this is a guy I studied with several years ago. I remember this so well because he was a class ahead of me and he tried to bully me, once or twice)

Me: 25? Hold up; I thought you were making 29 or 30… you sure it’s 25?

Him: This is why I hate you Ugandans!

(Note that he too is very much Ugandan. He just happened to live in the UK for 3 years)

Me: What’s up with Ugandans?

Him: You guys think that because a guy has money he must be old. I am just 25. I am not as old as you are. Deal with it!

This was probably my cue to end the conversation or switch to something else. There was the option of leaving the party altogether but of course that was not going to happen just yet coz a fresh supply of beer had just been brought in. There was no way I was leaving that behind. So I opted to switch the conversation to something more comfortable; sports. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done. The guy was offended that I had thought he was ‘old’.

I spent a good chunk of the night avoiding him and wondering why he wanted to desperately to stay young yet some of us secretly hope we could add a year or two onto what we already have. People tend to respect you more and believe you more when you are older so naturally some of us prefer to have a few years added.  Well, this dude just wasn’t one of us. Till now, I’m still wondering why a man would want to stay young.

Is Older Wiser?

The natural progression of things often dictates the older one grows the wiser they become. In many places this is not necessarily the case especially for those in positions of power. It would seem like when some politicians just get into power, they are full of ideas, extremely focused and often quite hardworking. A couple of years down the road and it seems like they get disillusioned and lose their sense of judgment. For many people in politics, the older you grow, the more you are loved but of course we all know that this is just so wrong, offensive even. People grow old and suddenly their taste buds for power demand more juices. They start to do some really strange things so they can make their stay in power longer. In my high school, during the Literature lessons, our teacher often told us to avoid ‘megalomania’ (desire to wield too much power or assumption that one’s power is very impacting) as much as we could because it was and still is the source of most of the world’s problems. The obsession of having too much power is something that many ‘older’ people tend to acquire with time. Many times, it gets to worrying levels especially when the older folks start stifling the younger and more exuberant folks. While everyone says “the Youth are the leaders of tomorrow”, it increasingly becomes evident that tomorrow is still quite far off. And so the ‘youth’ are resigned to complaining about the retirement age that seems worlds away. They are also resigned to taking home money in sacks, as donated by the older and wiser lot. Then there is the ‘Youth Fund’ that is always talked about but never seems to materialize. For such reasons, the Youth end up saying things like “older is not necessarily wiser.”

Very recently when the news of Sir Alex Fergusson’s retirement became main stream, it was obvious that everyone was shocked. This dude seems like he could carry on with his role for a few more years but for some reason, he opted to retire; while he was still loved. It would do us all a lot of good if the older and wiser folks picked a leaf or two, or three, or even the entire branch, from Sir Alex. He has decided to take a back seat even when it is clear that he could still manage the job for a longer while. How I wish a few folks did this. I would have loved to add a name or two but I recently learnt that some of the very old people are getting more and more on the internet so they can see what the fuss is all about. They might bump into this blog and my life, as we know it, will be ended in an instant. So I shall not name names of people who I think should retire.  I will leave you to look at the roof, imagine a few names and silently say a prayer that they consider retirement sooner than later.

Avoiding an Early death

While you carry on living your life, there are some things you should avoid. Do not drink and drive, do not have unprotected sex, never touch electric wires with your bare hands and never under circumstances ask a woman her age. Until she has volunteered to tell you how old she is, you should stay away from this question as much as possible; you just may live long. It can however get tricky if a woman asks you how old you think she is. Take as much time as you need to answer this question because there is no room for failure. When a woman asks how old you think she is, it is most certainly your chance to either make a quick entrance into heaven or get a chance to live longer. If you are even as much as a day ahead of her real age, you are finished! If you are behind by a few years, you might get some reprieve. But then again, you do not want to make her so young because then, she will think you see her as a little child; you most certainly do not want that.

The response to ‘how old do you think I am’ will often one of two results, death or life. Answer wisely

Becoming Young yet again

I know many people who are often told to “act your age” because they are indulging in activities that are far beneath their years. While I will recommend that everyone has to be more mature in the way they speak, act and dress, I also recommend that if you can stay forever young, go for it! Staying forever young should not be a ticket for one to act like an immature little imp. It should be a chance for one to refresh oneself about the things that truly make one overly excited. There are little things like playing video games, running in the rain, watching cartoons, struggling for the biggest piece of cake, wanting to be with your mother all the time and my personal favorite – arguing about who is stronger between Superman and Batman. These are things that you can and should indulge in as often as you possibly can so you can remind yourself that even though the body is ageing, the soul is only getting younger, or in the very least, it is staying the same age. Everyone owes it to himself or herself to discover the childish things that excite them and they should embrace these things as much as possible. It’s the key to living a longer and happier life; if the advice my therapist gave me is anything to go by. This week, I shall recommend that we all take some time to discover those interesting things that we loved when we were little, the things we might be seen doing and told to “act your age”, the things that we secretly want to do when no one is watching. It’s time to be young yet again.

If you have you have to play in the mud to feel young again – so be it!

As the week gets off to a good start, I shall let you all take some time to think of something that keeps your spirit young. Identify these things and embrace them right away.

Here’s your weekly dose of inspiration to get you going …

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. – Samuel Ullman

Yours

Bernard

a.k.a

Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Getting Away With Murder

Being a responsible citizen often requires that you pay your taxes, stay away from engaging in strikes and do not under any circumstances commit murder. These are among the numerous laws that we as nationals attempt to live by so we can be seen to be law abiding citizens. With such laws governing our existence, it is hard to imagine how one can comfortably lead their lives knowing very well that there are some taxes that are just begging to be dodged, strikes that are just waiting for a trigger and people who seem to carry around a marking on their foreheads that screams “kill me now”. Somehow, we manage to refrain from doing all these things because we are well meaning citizens and also because we do not want to end up behind bars. However, there is only so much patience and resilience we can manage. Personally, I can only hold myself back from murdering a condescending egoistic snob only if I am several meters away from him. I know people who are put off by wrong Grammar so much that they often consider poisoning folks whose grammar is unpolished. I also know a lady who often has to take numerous deep breaths just so she does not end up killing a well endowed woman swinging her assets before her man. Let’s just say, everyone refrains from murder more often than we care to admit.

What if I told you that you can actually commit murder and get away with it? What if I told you that you can actually do away with these condescending people in some very simple steps? I know what you are thinking right now : ‘How the hell am I supposed to murder someone and not get found out? And this whole idea of Murder? Dude, you must be kidding me!’ Well, I shall have you know that as long as you have imagined someone being done away with somehow – you are a murderer, just like the rest of us. You have just not found a good place to hide the body or a suitable accomplice who will not talk otherwise you would have gotten through with it ages ago. So do not feel like this blog post is not for you. It is totally yours – you murderer.

I shall present you with a very well laid out plan of how you are going to murder this person you have been hoping to do away with for a while. Of course we shall start by making the assumption that you do not want to end up behind bars and that you would rather not be called a murderer by anyone, at least not in public. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – how to get away with murder.

The Deathly stare

I know a good number of my friends who if they looked at you for a little over 5 seconds you would want the ground to open up and swallow you right away. Their gaze is something between deathly and extremely gruesome. If you are one such person, your murder weapon shall be your eyes. Whenever this person you want to murder comes within staring distance, lock eyes with them and get into the nonstop staring mode. Make sure they get the point that you are staring them straight in the eye with no intention to flirt or exchange sweet glances but to send them to the grave, preferably a dark untended grave. Do this a couple of times and I can guarantee they will prefer to avoid your company. Do this consistently and if you listen closely to stories running around, you might start to hear something about you having a murderous stare – use this to your advantage. If anyone ruins your day or messes you up in anyway, employ your weapon and make merry. Why should you suffer in silence when you have a weapon of mass destruction right there with you? About time you fought back! In no time, you will realize that all the folks who give you a hard time will start to disappear from your presence. Congratulations my friend, you have just killed a couple of people without as much as raising dust.

The baby’s stare seems to say – Die human, Die!

The Repulsive Wayward Argument

There are quite a number of people (myself inclusive) who tend to hide behind words when we are getting beaten at anything. When we engage in an argument, we often throw about as many words as we can come up with. Often times, it is mostly just useless random jabber but because we shove it in your face, you are most likely to come under pressure and succumb. I have recently discovered (much to my excitement) that this is a very wonderful weapon with which one can do away with many people. If someone you totally do not like comes within hearing distance, you should take it upon yourself to let the taps of nonstop jabber lose. Obviously you are going to have to yap away with someone or else you might end up being remanded for losing a wire or two upstairs. If this particular person you loathe is looking to have a word with you, this is when your weapon is most likely to work. If they are asking you about a certain sport, act like you are entirely clueless about the sport and make it seem like that is the worst sport in the world. Tell them you do not like to talk about that sport because you have no time for useless childish sports. If they are asking you about women, you can do one of two things, either tell them you are gay and the subject of women does not interest you or tell them no one understands women more than you do. If they attempt to raise a point, motion for them to keep quiet and tell them they do not know a thing about women. Stretch it a little further and tell them they are armatures in handing women. This is most likely to degenerate into an argument in which case you can now employ the tactic of bringing up an entirely unrelated subject and yapping away for a good seven minutes. When they begin to look confused, get up and walk away in triumph. They will be very brave if they do not avoid you next time and in case they show up again, employ the same tactic. Over time, they will start to avoid you more and more, thus leaving you to your peace; another one bites the dust!

Intellectual Prowess

The purpose for which our parents take us to good schools and worthwhile Universities where they pay abnormally figures as tuition is so that we can emerge from the education system as refined individuals. If you went to a good school, studied in a top notch University and you do not call yourself an intellectual, start doing it now. An intellectual is someone who uses their intelligence in their profession, career or just about anywhere to get things done. If you are working as a call center agent or if a receptionist at a big reputable firm, there might not be too much intelligence required of you but who cares, we shall baptize you an intellectual anyway. Your intellectualism is now your weapon. For some people, the weapons might be a little rusty and old fashioned so take some time and polish them up. In Uganda, intellectuals are known by their language and not by their deeds so you are in luck. Enroll for an English course real quick. Have an App for the Dictionary on your phone’s home screen. Look up some big words and practice them over and over. Make sure each day you learn an abnormally big word because these are your bullets. If you know someone who you would prefer dead than alive, it is about time you pulled out your intellectual weapons. Get in their face and use words you are sure they do not understand. It does not matter in what order you use these words; just make sure you use no less than three huge words in each sentence. This will need a little practice but once you nail it, you will be thankful because it works every time. No need to be careful about the correctness of the words. You are an intellectual; your language cannot and should not be questioned. Use these words whenever this person approaches you. Very soon, they will start avoiding you for one of two reasons. Either they will avoid you because the words you use are too huge for them to understand or they will avoid you because you look and sound ridiculous using words that probably mean nothing to both of you anyway. Either way, you will have succeeded at eliminating them from your vicinity.

The Dirt Digging Method

Red Pepper is very famous for digging up dirt on people and using this dirt to make money. You too can do this, dig up dirt and use it as a weapon. You have to be careful though the way you dig up this dirt. Red Pepper’s motives are economic – they want to make money; your motives are not – you want to murder someone. Be sure that you keep your strategy under wraps because in this murder conspiracy, it is just you and the dirt you are digging up. If there is someone you are particularly not thrilled by, take some time and dig up as much dirt about them as you can. If this person does not have much dirt from their past, surely, you can come up with something – make it up if you have to. In this business of killing off people, creativity is very important because you are working hard to kill them off without the trace leading back to you. Make sure this dirt is tied to something that they know is factual. For instance if they studied in a certain single sex school, start up some rumor of how there are stories that they used to masturbate every after night preps. Make sure this made up story is told to one or two trusted friends of the person you loathe. The story should be told in such a way that it appears as if you were also just told. Whenever they see you, they will surely want to avoid you. This is death my friends; death by the rumour! If the story is true, you have hit a home-run  If the story is made up, you are getting there … just a few more people to say they have also heard the story and BOOM – you too have hit a home run. Bribe one or two people if you must. The business of murder is often not cheap, it requires investment.

Death on the Social Network

For many people who have been on the social network for a while, you will know by now that there are fewer places where people are killed more than on social networking sites. If someone seems to be getting on your nerves and you would like to send them to the gallows, start a trend on Twitter. With the FOMO that Ugandans have, you will find a person or two with a similar grudge. Eventually you will have many people making up all sorts of allegations most of which are extremely wrong and abnormally offensive. Who cares? We want the person dead and that is all that matters, after all, it is fun. Trends are usually fun (of course until it is about you in which case you either shut down your account like Bijou did or you just lean back and enjoy the battering like Sheila Gashumba and Denzel Mwiyeretsi did. Very brave Tweeps those ones) If somehow you cannot come up with a Trend because you aren’t as hilarious and you have only 5 followers, 4 being offline most of the time, worry not – head to your Blog. Since blogging is mostly free, you can go ahead and rant about this person, free of charge.

Which reminds me … On April 26^th, a strange article was published in the New Vision online by otherwise good writers Nigel Nassar and George Wabweyo. I know Nigel is a good writer. I am not sure about George though because I don’t know him that much; I think he is also a writer, somehow. These two came up with a piece in the Lifestyle section Twitter wars: where is Uganda@? I read through the piece and shook my head in utter disappointment. The message in their article was something between rubbish, garbage and just plain nonsense. How and why the editor even allowed it to run, I have no idea but my guess is these guys probably arm twisted their editor because I highly doubt he or she would sanction such a waste of internet space. Of course since I have plenty of respect for Nigel and George; I respect all people who have the guts to call themselves journalists and for that reason I shall desist from launching an all out attack. In their article, these ‘Twitter experts’ kept saying Twitter has a 160 character limit which I found very disturbing because all you have to do is get on Twitter to realize that it is actually a 140 character limit site. The very least you can do is Google “twitter Character limit” and you will realize that it is 140 and not 160 characters. Also, there are plenty of suggestions in this article that the writers are “still locked up in the medieval times” as they have no clue about what Twitter really is. I took some time to look up their accounts on Twitter; ladies and gentlemen, Nigel and George are really new to Twitter.

   

Between the 2 of them, these guys have 7 Tweets, 64 followers & an egg – Interesting

I could have started a trend on these two but because I love me a good old fashioned sane argument, I decided to leave a message for them just beneath their article; I await a response. So before I engage in killing Nigel and George, I shall give them an opportunity to apologize to UOT (Ugandans On Twitter) for embarrassing us in such a way that everyone now thinks all Ugandans on Twitter are really medieval. My friends in Kenya, South Africa, Nigeria and even Rwanda are having a really hearty laugh – to the expense of UOT. This is not cool at all. Some of us are not even as medieval as the article suggests so we sort of want to kill Nigel and George; don’t blame us – we tend to take things personal; we love our country.

A couple of other Ugandans were not too impressed and will probably be looking for ways to kill Nigel and George

…And to Wrap it up

Ok to be really honest, my entire intention of writing this Blog was to somehow send the message to those two well paid writers that no mistakes go unpunished. Their editor might have been too busy to notice that fat gaping glitch in their shoddy article but the rest of us have enough time on our hands to see those mistakes. We love our Country so much that when anyone says something negative, we are ready to go up in arms – always! And if the article is making UOT look pathetic, I am going to go all up in arms; no question about that. I had quite a lot of explaining to do with certain KOT folks as they kept asking me whether the New Vision is really one of Uganda’s leading dailies and what business it has putting up such worthless material. I was also tasked to answer what hope UOT has if the ‘experts’ actually have no clue about Twitter. Obviously like the country loving Ugandan I am, I had to put up a fight for my country but there is only so much I could do. Kenyans are brutal when it comes to the internet and like Nigel and George rightly mentioned in their article, Kenyans usually triumph in their online wars. Lucky for me, I rarely lose a fight – unless it involves actual muscles (I am rather skinny). If the battle has to do with words, I am usually either on the winning side or on the side that does not lose. Of course many times I am in the absolute wrong but I shall fight till the very end.

So having said this, I shall leave you all to go head and think of all those people you have always wanted to do away with. Find a way to eliminate them from your vicinity without raising an alarm and without spending some time behind the bars. Also, I will be waiting for some kind of response from the two distinguished writers.

I leave you all with a quote to guide you through this week

“If it weren’t for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.”

― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Envy for Deep Waters

The mere mention of ‘deep waters’ will probably arouse the sexual glands of some people and for that I am truly sorry. However, this little piece is not about the deep waters that will occasionally be written about in the Red Pepper or the Onion. This little piece is about the deep waters as figuratively mentioned by a one Bobi Wine who, according to the guy who supplies me with Rolex, is only the best musician to ever walk this earth. I’m usually left wondering what sort of earth this Rolex guy is treading because from the look of things, his earth is quite messed up.

Anyway, the deep waters I am referring to connote or imply being in the big leagues, rolling in the high classes or just living the good life. Of course people who understand Luganda already know what I am going on about but just so everyone can get up to speed, here is where the phrase ‘deep waters’ actually originates. This Bobi Wine guy released a song entitled “Mazi Mawanvu” which, if directly translated, would mean something like “deep waters”. The deep waters being referenced here relate to being in a league that is higher than average or basically living the good life. I’m sure after understanding the context in which I am using deep waters, some people are already disappointed because they expected some graphic explanation about how women from Western Uganda are famous for deep waters – I shall not talk about that, of course it is a temptation I have to fight.  For now, let’s get our minds out of the gutter and try to concentrate on deep waters in relation to living the good life, shall we?

Everywhere you go, you will come across people who are living the good life and are surely depictive of really deep waters. We all know people who we would think fit this description and every time we wake up in the morning, we only fall short of telling God to make us like them. We want to be like them; we adore them! Often times we even want to do away with them so we do not have to watch their good life roll by as we are stuck in our own pits of desperation and suffering. I have personally been envious of some people and if stalking was not a difficult and illegal thing to do, I would consider it once in a while. I shall present a list of some of the people I am envious about and I shall state my reasons.

The little Princess Blue Ivy Carter

This little offspring of Jay and B is probably the single luckiest sucker out there. This small girl is so much a deep water girl that even a single snapshot of her is worth a lot of money. Of course the debate will always rage on about whether or not the little girl is pretty or just banged up but that is irrelevant because the little girl is simply too famous and yet she does not even know it. Someone recently intimated to me that Jay and Bey are planning to give Blue Ivy the life of a princess. This makes me look back at my own life and wonder if my parents ever considered giving me the life of a Prince. There is a fat chance they wanted to; but couldn’t. If the various canes I received during my childhood, the life of a Prince is not what my parents laid out for me. That said, I still feel they might have wanted to give me this Prince-like life however my dad is not one of the richest men in the world and and neither does my mum go around singing about Single Ladies when she secretly goes back home to a man thus leaving other women out there echoing her song and living pathetic single lives. Considering the circumstances therefore, I’m sure my parents did a great job but Blue Ivy Carter’s childhood is one I wouldn’t mind living if I were a little child.

of babies who are rich even before lifting a finger to do a thing! 

Le President Mugabe’s Black Love

Some of you are now wondering how the hell Robert Mugabe makes it to this list but I have just one question for you – how many human beings are able to ban a colour? Huh? How many? None? Yeah. That’s what I thought! Well, Robert Mugabe did it! This dude issued an executive order banning the colour white from his country. Apparently, he said the order would by all means outlaw the possession of all white-colored objects and it would go ahead to mandate harsh prison sentences for folks who were found to be non-compliant. This would mean that if you have anything that is white, you have to find some black paint, retouch it and have an all new black look. If your house was painted white, you had to opt for another colour. Only two words can best describe this kind of kingly action; deep waters! It is one thing to be a President and throw around decrees and laws but it is a ground breaking thing to be an octogenarian president and have people crawling and rolling at your command. Most are really too old to even lift a finger and make harsh decrees but not Robert. The Mugabe haters will probably look at this and just pass it off as impunity, short sightedness and childish behavior but the truth of the matter is if you can ban a colour, you are definitely a deep water person.

The ageless women from the West  

I know some of you have been wondering how we can talk about deep waters without saying anything about the ladies from Western Uganda. I may have mentioned earlier that I shall try not to dive into this bit but I couldn’t resist the temptation, I just could not. So why are these ladies from the West being talked about? There is the obvious reason that they are famous for having a proper supply of ‘rain water’ during sex; no question about that. I haven’t personally proven this – yet. But I am not willing to bet that it is wrong. Not after all the confessions of many of my friends about how they had to take the beddings out the next day so they could dry. That is one reason why these girls can be referred to as deep water girls. There is also the reason that these girls never seem to age no matter what! I may have mentioned this in one of my previous blogs but I shall mention it again; women from Western Uganda never age! If there is anything any woman will kill for, it is to look young forever. Well, these Western ladies have this looking good thing on lock down. Many of my female friends from Western Uganda are probably reading this and thinking; dude, you have been watching us all this time? Oh yeah! I have been watching you. We were in Primary and you looked dashing. We joined high school and you looked spectacular. We joined the University and you were glamorous. Now you are a couple of years into your career with 1 or 2 offspring and you are gorgeous? How the hell do you do that? Other women will probably be thinking they have a raw deal in this department but instead of sitting down, sulk and growing wrinkles at an early age, why not befriend some of these ladies and learn their secrets? You might however want to be careful because when you move around with these ladies from the West, your flaws will be louder and more profound because after all, these ladies seem to be without blemish. So beware!

Tamale Mirundi

Those who know Tamale Mirundi know by now that he is the only insane person who has authority and ability to insult and belittle sane people. This guy will confidently get onto the airwaves, utter a couple of ridiculous statements and walk away feeling like a champion. Now that right there is something I am envious about. Most times when I utter nonsensical things, I either lose an argument or miss out on getting a lady’s phone number. But Tamale Mirundi doesn’t lose at all. I know this might come off as overly attacking but you only have to listen to his interviews to understand what I am talking about. We do have a number of politicians in Uganda who would probably do a better job as comedians but none is quite as there as my man Tamale Mirundi. Ssebagala is a contender, especially when he speaks English but he lacks the zing that Mirundi has. Many politicians will walk up to the public, adjust their tie, pocket, make a straight face and tell an open lie. Many will defend their cause to death knowing well that there is a bank balance somewhere that is growing. Many will call those around them rubbish even when they themselves look like a pile of the same stuff. When you get all these politicians and bundle them into a room, Tamale Mirundi is likely to be their ring leader. One day, I hope to have the balls that he has; the balls to walk into an argument, misconstrue everything, confuse everyone, and walk away in celebration – deep water stuff just.

My man the Pope

I know this is probably going to come off as stereotypical but who does not want to be the pope? Who the hell is able to attract as many people and have them all sit out there waiting for you to utter just a word? I know many Catholics who just fall short of calling the Pope the holiest man alive and if you push them in an argument, they will probably say something alluding to that. The Pope probably has the fattest immunity any human being could ever have and I am confident if he committed crimes he would get away with it by just flying to a country, getting off the plane and kissing the ground. This dude is that deep – I mean in reference to the water we are talking about. I know there are probably some short comings to being the Pope for instance you can’t leisurely stroll into a bar, order a drink, cause a fight and sneak out late unnoticed. Also, you probably can’t walk up to a stranger, tell them they have a nice behind and wait for the insult. These are just but minor short comings. I am sure if the Pope wanted to, he would order for a pole to be build anywhere in the Vatican and ladies shipped in from any part of the world to make use of the pole. His ambitions in life though are on another dimension and he is probably more interested in being holy, uniting Catholics, being noble, spreading the word of God and generally living a boring life. He makes it to this list not because he lives the good life but because if he wanted to, he could do whatever he desired; and he would have people falling at his feet and worshipping him even amidst these desires.

Nelson Mandela – the living legend

The mere mention of Mandela’s name usually makes anyone and everyone bow down in admiration. Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela is one of the very few people in the world who does not seem to have enemies – at least right now. A good number of right-wing critics might have previously referred to him as a terrorist but that was a very long time ago and I am sure many of them will give anything to have this little detail erased from the books history. Everywhere you go today; Nelson Mandela is just adored and praised even as he gets closer and closer to his demise. Why we have more people naming their children Obama (the President), Timberlake (the singer) and Edward (from Twilight) is something that defeats my understanding. I think we should have more and more babies being named Nelson, Mandela or that other tough-to-pronounce name Rolihlahla. You do not have to go to South Africa to see how many streets, restaurants, cafes, barber shops and business have been named after Mandela. Across Africa, it has quietly been agreed that Nelson Mandela is an Angel among mortals. The rest of the world might secretly want to stifle this concept out of jealousy but it is only because Mr. Mandela is a deep water person. Deep waters tend to invite haters and beef.

And then all Ugandans

A Ugandan who is struggling to make ends meet might be wondering how he makes it to this list but before you shake your head in disagreement, sit down, keep calm and read on. I personally think Uganda is the single most awesome place in the world for a number of reasons. I say this not because I have a close friend who was recently denied a Passport to leave the country or because personally I have never really been anywhere in the world other than Uganda. I say Ugandans are deep water people because the life we live here is just out of this world! How many countries have people partying with as much enthusiasm on every day of the week? How many countries have weather that is just appropriate at all times? I mean, whether it is cold or it is hot, I would rather the Ugandan weather than any other weather. And have I made mention of the awesome people in this country? Just yesterday I was lucky to appear in the Sunday Vision having been interviewed by Hope Namanya for the Sunday Xtra. I did mention to Hope that I am lucky to have quite many friends both male and female and in all honesty, this is down to the fact that Ugandans are generally friendly people. You will occasionally meet a disgruntled Civil Servant complaining about the state of affairs or a Member of Parliament threatening to go on a hunger strike but overall, we are really cool people. If non Ugandans are reading this, you might want to make more Ugandan friends because these people are simply awesome people. I know this for a fact – I am one of them!

The happiness that these kids depict is some deep water stuff – other people ought to be envious

As I log out and wish you a great week, I shall leave you with the customary quote;

“Heart-stopping envy is the sincerest form of flattery.”

― Anna Godbersen, The Luxe

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

The Valley of the Shadow of Death

From time immemorial, it has been certain that the human race has been, still is and will forever be plagued by darkness. The darkness I am going on about here is not the kind that many of us like to creep into so we can be our actual selves – especially since we are filthy under the light. I am not referring to the darkness that exists on any given day when UMEME decides to flip a few switches or the kind that lingers between the thighs of an overweight woman. I am referring to the darkness that appears in each of our lives; the darkness that presents a trying time, a rough patch, a blip, a situation we would otherwise prefer not to deal with. For purposes of better referencing, we shall refer to that darkness as “The Valley of the Shadow of Death”.

Any Christian reading this will probably be smiling by now because the “Valley of the Shadow of Death” is a place where battles are fought – and often won. If Psalms 23:4 is anything to go by, there is plenty of winning in this “Valley of the Shadow of Death”. The rest of you non-Christians are probably wondering why you even have to read this; it is meaningless and probably as close to gibberish as the statement “demand and supply” to a Chemist or neurologist. Allow me to bring you on board friends; allow me.

Each of us will at one time, three times or several times go through a moment in our lives when we think and feel like we are strolling through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. At such moments we shall be caught saying things like “What the Phuck!” or “Somebody get me out of this bullsh*t!” or occasionally we will silently murmur the words “Oh Lord! No!” Every once in a while you will find a noble Christian dropping down on his knees to find solution from up above. During moment such as these, words like Pain, Sad, Alone, Sufferring, Suicide, Hate, Game Over start to get more use in your vocabulary.

I have realized however that each person has their own Valley of the Shadow of Death that they go through and while some are open to confessions about how their valleys are long and dark, others are keen to hide the locations and description of their valleys. It would therefore appear that some people do not go through this valley but believe you me; we all do!

I shall attempt to present my take on the Valley of the Shadow of Death as seen from different perspectives. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the valley of the shadow of death …

The Wake Up call

I know quite a number of people who say their lives would be 245% better if they did not have to wake up early to go to school or work. For such people, the decision between pressing ‘snooze’ and actually breaking the alarm is down to the position of the alarm clock. I personally know a friend who has bought and broken 6 alarm clocks over a period of a month. She has the alarm clock near her bedside and whenever it goes off; she instinctively rises up, grabs the little hardware and flings it across the room.  She is not a violent person; she is quite charming, wonderful, calm and generally reserved. Waking up early is just not her thing! This is her Valley of the Shadow of Death. Sadly for her, this valley comes right round every damn day! I feel for her because oftentimes when the rest of us are making plans for how we shall spend the next day, she is making plans for how she will buy a better and stronger alarm clock that can withstand a five meter smash into a hard wall. I know many of you are not the biggest fans of waking up early and if you had to pick between waking up early and a pay cut, you would definitely pick the pay cut. Be strong friends, be strong. There are many of your lot out there – enough to start a revolution in which waking up early can be made illegal. A revolution in which it is decreed that whichever office opens its doors before 11:30am shall be fined for attempting to push people into the dreaded Valley of the Shadow of Death. I feel for you my friends; I really do.

No One is Looking at Me!

There are a number of girls who leave their houses, go to the bar, buy their own drinks and have no intention of hitting it off with any guy. I know some men have their eyes wide open thinking – dude, are you high? Well, gentlemen, such ladies do exist. If and when someone strikes up good conversation, they can play along but eventually at the end of the night, there are no phone numbers exchanged and no sleazy glances being thrown around the bar.  Having said this, it is (almost) solid truth that every woman loves to feel appreciated; every woman likes to be noticed. If not because they hope you take them home, then at least because they imagine that they put quite some effort in looking the way they are. (Some of course could do with a little less effort while others need to double or triple their efforts). If after half an hour of applying make up a woman strolls into a place and no one as much as glances at her, that right there is the Valley of the Shadow of Death. That is pain, embarrassment, disappointment and sadness all rolled up into one body.

You don’t want a woman ripping out her hair like this. Tell her she’s pretty. Do it NOW!

It might be a little stereotypical to imagine that women love to be complimented but that right there is a fairly agreeable fact. If she takes time pimping herself up and you do not notice or make mention of it, you are putting the poor woman through the dreaded Valley. If you are not Christian and therefore don’t believe in the valley of the shadow of death, at least you are human and you believe in rewarding efforts, right? Do the honourable thing and tell the woman that her hair looks smooth or that she smells nice or that her lips look delicious. We owe it to each other to help one another from walking the entire stretch of that dreadful valley.

The Mid Month Crisis

When you have just received your salary, you are most likely feeling like you own half the town. Most times, you will go to extra lengths to convince yourself and other people that indeed you do. Attend a party here, go for that launch, be at that bazaar, show up at this concert and do not miss that other show. A few days down the road and you start to have visions of life as a church mouse – but these are just visions. Eventually the reality starts to sink in as the month inches away ever so slowly. By the time it is mid-month, you can almost certainly see yourself taking up another odd job just so you can have something to eat tomorrow. And a few days before pay day, you feel the sun is hotter, the cold is harsher and the rain is harder on your skin.  This is partly brought on by the calls from those you owe and the ladies you have promised pizza. You start to complain about the president, the economy, Oil, and whatever else you can complain about. You my friend, are deep in the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Of course one can argue that Ugandans are perpetually in this Valley of the Shadow of Death but have grown accustomed to making it through nonetheless. This valley might seem very long and it is often littered with many things on the left that you can purchase while on the right you will see all sorts of stupid methods to get the money to purchase things on the left. You look around to see if anyone is looking then you silently take up one of those odd jobs on the right; you get involved in sports betting.  Before you know it, the journey seems longer and somehow the ground beneath you is hotter. You did it my friend; you just sunk deeper in debt and punctured the tires on your ride through this valley of the shadow of death. Have fun …wait, fun is too costly, you cannot afford anything! Sorry mate – the Valley of the Shadow of Death is harsh just like that!

more and more, you find yourself having to camp at the ATM ….

Matters of the Heart – and then the friendzone  

Over the years, I have learnt that almost every soul that treads this earth is bound to be pushed into the valley of the shadow of death if not by love then by lust. The distinction between the two is something I am yet to uncover but that will be a discussion for another Monday. Girl likes guy. Guy never notices girl. Girl does everything in her power to present her unspoken case, guy never notices. Girl is definitely walking through the valley. Fortunately for her, it is not such a painful walk because she can find ways to win guy over. What might make the walk through the valley painful though, is learning that the guy is married, engaged or worse; that he is gay! And then there is the even deeper situation where guy lands for girl’s best friend, sister or grandmother! That right there is a painful walk through the valley my friends; very painful. It is probably at this juncture that I make mention of the famously feared friendzone. There are fewer walks that are more painful than a walk that has been instigated by the friendzone. When you like someone enough to have sexual thoughts about them, you are hoping they will not think of you as a ‘very good friend’ or worse, as a ‘brother’. The pain is too much here. Women do this all the time and they smile innocently swinging their fine behinds and acting sexy as hell! They do this, often unaware that men are crushing and dying deep down. Ladies, please hold a brother’s hand as he walks through the valley of the shadow of death; show him some flesh every once in a while. Give him a meaningless kiss occasionally, if it’s not too much to ask for, sleep with him. Support the brother through the tough time in the friendzone. Ladies, after you have thrown the man deep into the friendzone, do not leave him out there to dry; offer support – after all, you threw him there! And gentlemn, when you have been flung into the friendzone and you find it a tad too uncomfortable; make it known that you would like to switch places with some other willing dude. Obviously you are risking it all here but I think if you want to tap some of it, it’s probably worth a risk.

NB – I am not in any way condoning the act of men asking their friends for the P just because they feel being in the friendzone is uncomfortable. Sometimes being in the friendzone is much sweeter than being in no-zone. Think about that.

Trip to the Medic

Over the past 3 or 4 days I have been undergoing treatment for malaria and I have to admit, I felt like the valley of the shadow of death was creeping up on me, or I on it. At the very beginning, Ophelia was quick to point out that this is a disease for 3^rd World Countries and I smiled, I am in the 3^rd World after all – may as well live like I am! On the other hand, I realized that I’d rather suffer from malaria than Cancer, Diabetes or High Blood Pressure – 1^st World Country diseases. Mine is cheaper to treat. And I have a friend Winfred who is a real Nurse. She will make sure you take your meds at the right time if it means calling you up six or seven times an hour. She also made it clear to me that I need to have a Thermometer and Blood Pressure Monitor nearby. Now these are things I thought are supposed to be found only in a hospital setting. Turns out I was wrong. And while we were discussing this, somehow, she started explaining blood pressure, cancer of the throat, typhoid, and the sphincter muscle and then I realized, I am truly in the Valley of the Shadow of Death! Instead of discussing FOMO, Beer brands, dress code for the party, the price of Guinness, relocation, drunk driving and hangover, I was here talking about medical things. I fear the hospital. I fear anything to do with tablets or medication for that matter. As I walked through this valley however, there were a few things helping me on my trip. There was that sweet syrup that the doctor recommended. Every time I took a sip, I smiled – and felt young again. Then the friends who kept reminding me that as long as it’s not AIDS, Cancer or Bird Flu, we are still very much friends. Occasionally one person would throw an out of taste joke like I probably got the malaria from a Mosquito that had starved for days and could do with anything – even my blood; Vampire blood! Then there were the movies that I watched the whole time. For someone who loves humour, nothing cracks me up like a standup comedy show that I have watched 6 times over and know all the jokes and punch lines. Priceless! As I write this, I feel like I am rejuvenated and ready to take on the world yet again (or get battered by it – whichever comes first). My walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death was painful, but fortunately for me, the friends I have will not let you walk through the valley alone. So even when your head is pounding, a friend will call you up and crack a joke that will make your head pound even more – totally worth it!

I shall wish you all a wonderful week and as you walk through your various Valleys, allow me to leave you with some inspiration as I usually do. This time though, it is from the bible.

Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me – Psalm 23:4 –

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a

Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

How to Live Forever

Before you even begin reading this little piece, I need to make a disclaimer: I am not a fortune teller, wizard or high priest of some dark twisted religion. I am simply but a mortal who has been on a lifelong hunt for some of the secrets of life. Obviously since I am not yet dead, we can all agree that my search is still going on. Along the way, I have tried to find out secrets for how to please a woman, how to evade taxes and not get caught, how to get a hug from Jessica Alba, how to doze through a date without your partner noticing and most recently, how to support the miniskirt without seeming like a pervert or flesh hungry man. All these things, I have taken my time to try and understand but the one thing I seem to have mastered is understand how to live forever. By now, I am sure you are wondering what exactly I mean. What I mean here is I have finally uncovered the secrets to living forever. In cat or dog years, forever could be 10 – 15 years, in the life of certain vegetables, forever could be 2-3 years and in the life of a human being, forever could be anything beyond 70 years. So, depending on what you are, you might want to take some time to see how you can live forever!

I present; the secrets to living forever (for human beings).

Talk to Will Smith, Alex Ndawula and Halima Namakula

These are the three people I have observed that do not age. Will Smith does not look a day older than he looked in 1997. The dude actually seems to be getting younger by the day. Whether Jada Pinkett has anything to do with this, I have no idea but this Bad Boy never seems to age. Coming closer to home, Alex Ndawula is probably the closest we shall have to immortality. This guy has been at his trade ever since my early childhood days in the early 90s. Fast forward to 2013, I’m a novice in the radio industry and for some reason; Alex is still rocking the airwaves like he did way back in the early 90s. If he were mortal, surely he would be elsewhere, probably managing a herd of cows and whistling away to Kool and the Gang music. And then take a look at Halima Namakula and her ageless face. True, it might have developed a few marks here and there but I’m confident those are because she constantly has to deal with Rachel K and her drama. Overall though, she looks quite young and in my opinion, she is probably going to live forever. If you can find audience with these people, you will be introduced to the idea how to live forever. I am personally working my way towards having a word with Alex just so I can know how the hell he is not enjoying his pension.

Just look at this guy. What sort of witchcraft does he use?

Just Be a Woman

My personal research (not really research, just assumptions I have gathered and drummed up into fact over the years) has revealed to me that if you want to live forever, start by being a woman. Naturally, the women are wondering how the hell this even makes sense coz some of them feel like they are in their last days. I have reliably been informed that those monthly periods feel like the Armageddon so I can understand why some ladies would think their last days are near. However, smile ladies, for I am the bearer of good news – you are not dying anytime soon. You see, women are less likely to be in harm’s way than men are. This is not only a fact but a very painful fact. Why men have from time immemorial thought that they are immortal and therefore should constantly put themselves in harm’s way just so they can protect women, I have never figured out. It probably has something to do with the male ego and the natural order of things. But generally speaking, if you want to live forever, the male species is not one to be. If you are not flung to the frontline of a war that your country probably doesn’t even need, you will be a victim of a drive by shooting or worse still you could be like the Brazilian boy who died after masturbating 42 times in a row. Obviously women do not know how the hell this can happen but men secretly are looking up and counting how many times they have survived near death. This is what I am talking about. Men just cannot live for too long, let along forever.

Get Married Right Away!

People who are married are looking at this and thinking; he has figured us out! I did figure you lot out a while back you know. For the men mostly (this time men get the better deal), marriage is the best way to live forever. I shall explain why. When you are making those vows, during the peak of your otherwise long life, you are promising each other to be together till death do you part. What you do not know (or very conveniently chose to ignore) is that you have set your target. A few months into the marriage and you are already feeling like the entire thing was a waste of time and borrowed funds. However, the words ‘till death do us part’ will keep ringing back and forth in your mind; and then it will dawn on you, death is too far away. Forever begins to become a reality when you are safely into a few years of your marriage. You see pretty young girls strolling around with fine figures, exquisite accents and smooth skins and then you turn to your partner who has been by your side all this while and think “Forever is a damned long time!”. Congratulations sir – you are going to live forever. Now don’t go slit your partner’s throat so you can shorten “forever”. Settle down, open your sports magazine and indulge. You my friend are going to live forever.

Do not Under any circumstances ride on a Boda Boda

It may seem obvious that if you do not ride on a Boda Boda (or Boda B like my friend Grace likes to call it), you will live longer because, well, you are not exposed to accidents. It is much deeper and more profound than this! Boda B rides get you to your destination faster. This does not sit well with the aspect of living forever. Take your time in whatever you do. Be late as often as you possibly can because then events will be postponed a little more in your life thus giving you a chance to live on and on and on. The Universe knows this and it shall oblige. Riding on a Boda B usually keeps your heart racing and if there is one thing that a racing heart is susceptible to, it is a heart attack. Heart attacks do not only kill rich people who just received news that the stock prices have gone down. They also kill poor people who are rushing for an interview on a Boda B and die from the heart attack brought by the news that the interview is actually over. They equally kill people who ride on Boda Bs in the hope that they will reach some place, rob the rider and make off with their money and then things turn round, the Boda B man takes you through an unknown root, stops, takes all your money and leaves you for dead. So please stay away from the bodas if you would like to live forever.

 stay as far away from these people as possible

Join the NRM with immediate effect

I made a vow to myself that I would not get into political jabber on this blog of mine and so before you FDC, Jeema and UPC people go all up in arms, please hear me out. I make the submission that only NRM people will live forever because; let’s face it – they have a clue about how ‘forever’ things work. If you were born after 1986, you will understand me better because it feels like forever since you last heard of another party in power. From the look of things, you should keep calm and just allow because forever is just getting started. Words like “another term” and “ekisanja” are words that are used by people who know how to and want to live forever. Maybe you folks in the opposition should pick a leaf and stop the “two term limit” nonsense. Forever is the way to go!

These guys here have probably existed from the days of early man and they will still be here long after we are gone

Be an Upcoming Artist in Uganda

Now if there is a group of people that will never leave the face of the earth, it is the upcoming artists in Uganda. These folks have been here and will be here until the ground probably gets angry with them, opens up and swallows them. I shall not point fingers at any upcoming artist for fear of jeopardizing their attempt at being immortal. These people start out as promising artists and for some reason, they never seem to fulfill their promises and so the Universe holds them to their word and will not let them go to the next level unless they fulfill the promises of their current level. Obviously if you are an upcoming artist, you have the inner hope that you will somehow eventually graduate into a full artist. Here is my advice – dump those dreams if you want to live forever. People whose careers leave the upcoming stage and go higher up the ladder often end up becoming super stars and then they get relegated to the books of history as if they never existed. You don’t want that now do you? The upcoming artist on the other hand, is always the supporting cast and therefore never really wears himself out. Seems farfetched? Well, how else would you explain Ross (not Rick but rather the Ugandan dude) making music for all those years and still being the artist who is invited to perform alongside other artists as the supporting cast? Those are tricks of immortality!

And for the Finish

You might have seen in papers, on blogs, in magazines on TV and even heard on radio that if you want to live long you need to eat well, sleep well, exercise regularly and do all those other boring things that normal people do. Well, I recommend otherwise. Do these things here and you my friend will live forever!

As usual, I shall leave you with a quote that you can chew on as you gather the guts to go live forever.

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” -  Groucho Marx

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

Killing the Mini Skirt Bill

Over the past couple of days the average Ugandan has been subjected to strange weather changes, Father Musaala and his borderline battle between fame and shame, the Bedroom Gospel according to Pastor Martin Ssempa, a couple of failed Easter Concerts and Ronald Mugula knocking Romanian Elek Janos to within seconds of his life. Of course one can argue that Uganda never runs out of Drama; we are born and bred in the caves of drama. However, it would have been safe to say that nothing extra ordinary was slated to happen; that was until a certain retired Catholic Priest Simon Lokodo decided it was time to reawaken the now sleeping and almost dead Ghost of the ‘Mini Skirt bill’. Of course the bill in its entirety is called the “Anti Pornography Bill” but everything seems insignificant until you read the bit about banning the mini skirt. Discussing details of the bill here is a waste of time and is extremely useless because a) I am not a Parliamentarian thus I am not well versed with how to waste time b) As long there is a risk of a mini skirt being banned, the bill must and should be stopped right away! No time for deliberation.

This bill is not only dangerous for our economy but also to the future generations. How does Lokodo expect us to look our grand children in the eyes and tell them that the mini skirt was banned in our generation? HOW? Relationships have been built and consummated, jobs earned and promotions gotten, degrees attained and careers curved out just by using this legendary piece of clothing. Stories are told of many great men who have made business decisions and even life changing decisions based on a well worn mini skirt lingering about somewhere in their lives. The miniskirt is not just another piece of clothing; it is a precious part of our history!

Look at this awesomeness. Just look at it!

The Right Reverend Father Simon Lokodo who proposed the bill is a former catholic priest so one can argue that he does not know better and so he ought to be forgiven. Catholic priests are known to cover themselves with uncomfortable robes all day and sometimes all night (being largely celibate, they need the warmth) so Lokodo is probably shocked to his core by all the flesh he is seeing. One can also argue that in more ways than we care to admit, the Catholic Church is taking over. If a Catholic leader is not in the press for washing the feet of men, then he is probably in for a ground breaking revelation of a sexual nature. Either way, the Catholic leaders are taking over. So Lokodo is simply doing what has to be done – taking over the World. Wait, maybe he is the anti-Christ! Hhhmmm. Ok that’s a very wild allegation, extremely unfounded and totally uncalled for but I just thought I would put it out there. Anyway, it can be said with a fair amount of certainty that unlike the new Pope who seems to be winning over hearts and souls with his noble deeds, his brethren elsewhere (read Uganda) seem to have different ideas. But let’s not dwell on this subject because I know plenty of Catholics who are already looking for their Rosaries so they can implore God to do some hurtful things to whoever criticizes the Catholic Priests. I wouldn’t want lightning striking me down now. I know God is an advocate for humour but I am not sure how much I can push before I cross the line.

So away from the seemingly misguided Lokodo to the more serious matter at hand; how do we kill this bill?

1. Ladies, Go All Out

Ladies, immediately you are finished reading this little piece, I suggest you head over to your wardrobe, find the skimpiest mini skirt and rock it right away. Make a statement; a very loud and skimpy one. Let the whole world know that the mini skirt rocks. Obviously it would be ideal if the women (with fine legs) did this more but why discriminate against those with unattractive legs? For once, let everyone rock the mini skirt; fine legs or not. And for once, let no man attempt to hurl an insult at a woman wearing a mini skirt telling her how she has more scars on her legs than hairs on her head. Let the women run this show. And ladies, if you rock the miniskirt and a son of a gun says anything other than that you look sexy, you have my permission to kick him in the nuts. If he is at a safe distance from the nut-kick, just hurl a stone at him or better still; pull up your skirt, bend over, show him your behind, pull down your skirt and pretend nothing happened. That ought to sort him out for a couple of hours, if not for life!

Flash it for him. Let him know you know he wants you but he can not have you

2. Gentlemen you have a Role to play

The guys might now be wondering how they are going to be a part of this miniskirt War. Well, here is how. If your partner’s birthday is coming up, I don’t need to tell you what you should get her. If you are male and you have a male partner, this entire article is probably a waste of your precious time. Please get back to fixing your make-up, adjusting your handbag and watching the kardashians. Everybody else, keep reading. So, about your lady’s birthday, go find her the shortest outfit you can lay your hands on. And while you are at it, suggest to her that the rest of her wardrobe should get shorter because you are suddenly attracted to women who wear miniskirts. If she says she is not okay with wearing short skirts, tell her you just might consider finding someone who is okay with rocking the miniskirt. If that does not persuade her to get a short skirt, then you my friend are in a complicated relationship with a nun. Roll over and join the Lokodo camp. Deal with it and find some robes, so the two of you can match each other. And I don’t mean you and Lokodo; I mean you and your nun of a girlfriend.

If you go out on a date and she wears a miniskirt on that first date, she is a keeper! If she wears anything longer, be carefully, she might just be a deserter from the convent or worse, a spy from Lokodo’s camp. So beware!

3. Campusers – You are Our Greatest Weapon

Corporate ladies who have since left campus might have fine well kept legs but the best legs are in the Universities; this one is a fact! I say this not because I secretly spend a chunk of my time analyzing which ladies have the finest legs but because common knowledge will lead you to realize that a lady looks her finest from just after 18 to around her mid twenties. This excludes women from Western Uganda who tend to look more beautiful as they grow older. (But the topic of women and their beauty shall be reserved for another Monday).

Ladies in the various Universities in Uganda need to pay close attention here. However when talking about miniskirts and how important they are, ladies at Mukono University and IUIU might want to skip this part. I say this because news has reached me that administrations there do not entertain anything that is remotely nice looking and might score you points with the guys. So it is safe to say miniskirts are not allowed in these universities. Why the students there have not yet gone on strike, I have no idea. But let’s hope they are considering it. So while I talk to the ladies from other Campuses, I suggest that the ladies in IUIU and Mukono University look at their calendars to see when the holidays kick in because when they do, you will need to join the fight; the miniskirt needs you!

Moving on …

Ladies in the other Universities should make it a point to have a good number of miniskirts in their collection. Some girls are unlucky to come from families that will only allow long dresses and/or big thick blouses worn over long ugly skirts. Such girls have no miniskirts in their collection and this is where other campus girls come in handy. Be good to one another and share those skirts; remember united we stand and divided we fall. If you have two miniskirts, lend one out – if only for the night. If you don’t have one, do not hesitate to borrow. Make sure everyone gets a feel of this wonderful piece of clothing. In due time, the Government will either ignore the whole bill or push it into the distant future like they did the Simcard Registration thing. The key issue here is to convince everyone to wear it until the Government changes its mind and decides that it is illegal not to own a miniskirt if you are above 18.

4. Government Workers

People who work in Government offices are notorious for attending series of meetings, workshops, seminars and conferences just to discuss issues ranging from how to attend other meetings to how one should conduct oneself when coming to and from the bathroom. Surely one such workshop can and should be dedicated to the miniskirt cause. Of course when suggesting the idea, you will need to disguise it under the title “A Workshop Aimed at Raising Awareness Amongst the Grassroot People About how to Harness their Abilities and Capabilities in the Field of Human Appreciation.” This might be a long title but it should do the trick as your bosses will not ask too many questions – they never ask questions if the title is long. During the workshop, go through the subject called “The Miniskirt”. Discuss (at length) the negative implications the banning of the miniskirt will have on the GDP, NNP, GNP, Geo Political affairs, Multi-lateral trade and economic integration. Have someone display some complex slides and design some graphs, curves, charts and gloomy projections.

5. Everyone Else

By everyone else, I am actually referring to every Ugandan except Father Lokodo and 2 or 3 of his juniors who might have no option but to offer him backing on this issue lest their families sleep hungry. Everyone should prepare to hit the streets in support of this idea of killing the mini skirt bill. The ladies down at Speke Road are already doing their part; what are you doing to help the miniskirt cause? Pick your miniskirt and hit the streets NOW so the whole world can know how much we still need this precious piece of clothing. And while you are at it, be sure to flash a little flesh and there – for added effect. Also, capture some pictures and let’s share those on instagram. I would have suggested that we get a picture of Lokodo and through photoshop we could tweak with it till we get the perfect result; Lokodo chillaxing with a few miniskirt cuties. But my leniency is getting the best of me. The whole photoshop idea would however make for some good fodder and it would keep him off the miniskirt issue for some time, of course after we have squeezed some money from him so that we do not publish the images.

Finally

If and when we do these things, I am confident that this talk about miniskirts will be shoved and then we shall get back to more serious issues like corruption, poor service delivery, potholes, medicine-less health centers, skyrocketing unemployment figures, monetized political climate and all other crucial issues that MPs somehow refuse to discuss for lack of the customary 5 million Shillings for facilitation.

As I sign out, I leave you with a very insightful quote that says so much in just a few words;

“A woman’s dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.” ― Sophia Loren

 

Yours Truly

Bernard

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker