The Shopping Bug

Shopping is described simply as the purchase of goods from stores. Across the world today, the term shopping has taken on a new definition and twist so much that it is not what it used to be anymore. In the 90s, when someone said they were going shopping, they would return bearing a big polythene bag containing Blue Band Margarine, Tip Top Bread, a Kilogram of beef, some tissue, Kiwi Shoe Polish, Colgate toothpaste and probably Kasuku exercise books. Shopping was a big deal back then and it was for important things. In fact, only parents were allowed to go shopping because there was the worry that sending children to do any shopping would result in many items on the list forgotten and a few gummy bears or sumbiz added to the shopping list. Today, shopping is one of the most widely done activities by human beings after breathing, eating and giving birth. Everyone loves shopping! 3391_Girls-at-shopping-fashion-wallpaper

The shopping virus has bitten almost everyone

Women Run the Show

No race has owned and defined the practice of shopping as much as the females of this generation. Today, shopping barely refers to purchasing legitimate goods like sugar, milk, bread or salt. Shopping almost has nothing to do with purchasing important groceries or necessary foods for the house hold – that is called ‘picking groceries from the nearby store’. Shopping is now exclusively an affair that entails heading out with a bunch of girlfriends and scavenging for a particular dress or pair of pants that will do the healthy backside some justice when the cloth is unleashed on the unsuspecting public. When you walk around town on any given day, you are likely to encounter several sororities of closely attached females moving from one shop to another, comparing prices of high heeled shoes, tiny little outfits and newly imported wigs. Not that there is any problem with this but it has somewhat made men stop using the word shopping. Nowadays when a man is going out to purchase a few things (to do shopping), he is likely to just tell you he is going out to ‘grab a few things from the supermarket’ or ‘to buy some things from the shops’ as opposed to telling you that he is going shopping. Women now run the show so much that a good number of women will confidently tell you that shopping is one of their hobbies. funny-woman-shopping-failure-cartoon

Typical female problems

The demon of online shopping

With the advent of technology and the introduction of the World Wide Web, it is now easy for people to do their shopping. In fact, one can very easily look through several stores without leaving the safe comfort of his house. This has obviously made life much easier but it has also made life a lot more expensive. You see, in the past if you needed something, you had to get off your lazy ass and go to the store to look for it. You would probably have to board a taxi and brave the huge traffic of humans and cars alike as you head to town. Shopping was therefore done once in a while, like around Christmas time when all the kids needed new Kaunda Suits and the house needed some decorations for the festive season, that is when shopping was done. The other time when shopping was done was just before the school term started. One would have their shopping list with figures attached to each item and then one would head to town (after getting permission from the father) to do the shopping. Today, with just the click of a mouse you can get pretty much anything delivered to your door, even that other plastic life size effigy of Jennifer Lopez which you would otherwise do without; anything can be brought to you. The addiction that people in the world face because of online shopping is simply immeasurable. I know a one Jackie who has bookmarked several shopping sites and all she does while at work is browse for the latest outfits and attires online. It is safe to say that she spends half her salary on these outfits every month. The addiction is so strong that even something that she could do without, poor Jackie will probably order for it because, well, it is easy to have it delivered to her door step. In the past, it was safe to be in Uganda because not many online shopping companies delivered to this part of the world. However today, many websites offer delivery to your doorstep no matter where you are in Uganda. Life has been made easier, at a price. I know two friends who are currently going through a spell of rehab because of addiction to shopping online. It seems no one is safe! 1

And in most cases we end up making the wrong ones!

Window Shopping and then showrooming For many people, shopping has become a leisure activity, something of a hobby. Window shopping is where one walks from store to store gazing at all the wonderful things that are priced higher than they can afford but still seem interested to keep the seller guessing whether or not a sale will be made. Window shopping is something that many sellers are trying to fight because it leads to Showrooming, which shop owners hate so much. Showrooming is the practice of window shopping and then going online to look for cheaper prices of the same items. Shop owners are no longer as keen to welcome people into their shops because half the time the people just want to identify if there are better prices elsewhere.


Little kids doing some window shopping

For all the noise I am making about shopping, one would think I do not go shopping. I do go shopping too every once in a while but for serious things like new gadgets, ear phones, video games, novels and occasionally I go shopping because I hope to bump into fine ladies who are out to do shopping too. That said, I am still a traditional person who will most likely prefer to have items bought from the physical store in town as opposed to simlpy clicking and making payments online.

I just hope that as everyone gets bitten by the shopping bug they reserve just enough funds and time to go shopping for remedies too because the human race shall not be wiped out by disease or natural disasters but by addiction to shopping.

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.” ― Erma Bombeck


a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Follow @beewol on Twitter

A Bill Catalogue

In most parts of the world, the task of law making is almost exclusively left to Members of Parliament (MPs). They are the ones who decide whether something is legal or illegal and they determine whether a crime is punishable by jail time or firing squad; they basically call the shots. For the case of Uganda, the enthusiasm that MPs usually portray is nothing short of legendary. From what I hear, there are truckloads of bills waiting to be discussed in the August house. Some of these bills are bound to propel Uganda to levels of development never seen before while others will probably set us several decades back.


The Parliament – Factory of Bills

I have been puzzled by some of the bills that have crossed the floor of parliament of late. Some are strange, others ridiculous and some are just simply comical – which is okay because apparently work without play will make anyone dull (assuming they are not already certified as dull before the said work/play). Without necessary placing a finger on specific bills as being useless, I shall mention that some bills make me cringe in pain and shake my head with utmost disappointment. I do this not because I think these bills are worthless but because I feel like there are several more important things to be discussed in parliament as opposed to wasting hours discussing issues that are otherwise no-brainers. For instance, why should we bother discussing whether or not we should get involved in South Sudan yet it is clear that if we are to become a super power, we have to start by stepping on people’s toes? America did not become super power by minding their own business, did they?

Every day that passes I see people do and say things that are foul, inhumane and just plain ridiculous and MPs are just looking on, earning fat salaries and enjoying Honorable status. I therefore present a case for some crucial bills that should have seen the light of day in the Parliament. I present ‘The Bill Catalogue’.

The Hair Bill

Any man who has walked on the streets of Kampala will be in agreement with the assertion that women are slaves to their hair. Half the time a woman is looking at herself in the mirror, she is looking at the dead woman’s hair on her head – to check if it is still intact. Either that, or she is looking to see if the original owner of the hair has come from the dead to claim it. How about we regulate this hair business once and for all? I propose that it be made illegal for a woman to wear hair that does not belong to her whether in form of a weave, wig or extension. I don’t know too much about hair (mostly because I am bald) and I might not be the right person to make any such bold utterances about hair pieces. However, I know enough to conclude that those wigs, weaves and foreign hair pieces itch, they are ugly and they absolutely smell like death. True, they may look good and appear fancy, but so do peacock feathers.  I don’t see women clamoring to wear peacock feathers because they are so nice looking. My suggestion is simple: stop importing hair pieces and any woman who is found purchasing, dealing in or talking about hair pieces should be jailed for aggravating slavery to hair.


There’s no need to have an entire game reserve on your head

The Artist Bill

This one will be named after the famous title ‘upcoming artist’. You see, for a very long time, we have been tossed back and forth with the term ‘upcoming artist’ so much that it is now hard to tell whether one ever ceases to be an upcoming artist. It appears the entire music industry in Uganda is filled with upcoming artists; so much that it is hard to know who has finally come to the top. I know a number of artists who have enjoyed the title of ‘upcoming artist’ almost as long as Janet has been married to Museveni. This is somewhat unfair to the young singers who are also fighting to breathe in the same space. If you are going to be an upcoming artist, the law should dictate how long you get to enjoy this title after which you either upgrade or abandon the industry. The moment you abandon the industry, you shall be required to serve a few months in jail for attempting to obtain fame and fortune under false pretense. I know for a fact that I cannot sing. In fact, I am so terrible that when I attempt to sing in the shower I never get clean because I want to run out quickly – from myself; I am that bad. However, I have very high standards when it comes to listening to music. If someone’s music never improves with time, I will probably call them all sorts of names including fraudster, poser, wannabe and the worst of them all; a criminal!

The Male Dresscode Bill

This one is straight forward – it will define what things men should or should not wear. As much as there are many fireballs being hurled at the women for their dresscode, there is also need to clamp down on men who dress like they are in need of a sex change or mental analysis. This business of men being too fashion forward is not something that sits too well with me. As a matter of fact, if it were up to me, I would decree that men never wear any more than 3 colours at once and Orance, Pink, Green and Purple should never be one of these colours. Unless you are Denzel Mweyiritse or Urban Tv’s fashion guru Mosha, you have no right to wear any more than 3 colours at the same time. Also, certain fabrics like polyester and nylon should be made exclusively for women. In addition, this business of jeggings should be restricted to movies, magazines and shopping malls at Garden City. If you wear them anywhere else, you face jailtime. End of story!



Conan O’Brien looks constipated here thanks to the Jeggings. We don’t want that in Uganda.

I have about 84 other bills I would propose but seeing as I am not earning sitting allowance or getting fuel for a monster of a car, I shall stop sharing my ideas right here. That said, in case the MPs would love to consult about these and other important bills, I have no problem offering my consultancy services at a fee.

For now though, I leave you with the quote of the week …

We all know what Parliament is, and we are all ashamed of it. – Robert Louis Stevenson


a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Follow @beewol on Twitter

A Year of Awesomeness

The Beginning 

On 25th March last year my very first Monday Blog ‘A little trick about how to spend Monday’ went live on wordpress. I remember I wrote it because very many people often complain about how Mondays are terrible and how the devil owns Monday while the rest of the days belong to God. I therefore ventured into helping God re-possess Mondays by giving people something to look forward to. I know that God needs no help, I just volunteered it. Also, back then I had plenty of access to cheap and fast internet; plus I had just acquired a brand new laptop. In the weeks that followed, the Monday Blog tradition got a hold of me and like a demon with an insatiable appetite it rendered me hooked. For a year now, I have never skipped a Monday without updating this Blog. Even the Monday when I lost a friend, the Monday when I was worn out from a weekend of intensive travel, the Monday when my laptop got messed up, the Monday when I was too broke to afford a fresh internet package – every bloody Monday! And I pride myself in the fact that I hope to carry on with the tradition for as long as I can possibly manage.

MondayEver since 25th March 2013, my Mondays have never really been the same  

Humps and Bumps

For the entire year I have been blogging, there are several things that have happened along the way. Some are awesome and deserve no less than a framed photo hanged up somewhere in my non-existent personal office. However, there are some that have made me second guess and almost doubt the decision to carry on with the Monday Blogs. Usually after the blog has gone live, I share it with as many people as I possibly can. However, not everyone is as impressed or even remotely interested in the blog. On a number of occasions some folks have asked me to stop tagging them for various reasons and I have duly obliged. Other times, the blog comes a few hours late and I receive a truckload of insults about how and why I am a disappointment. Once or twice, someone has pointed out a grammatical error and blamed it on a poor education background despite the fact that I like to think I had a fairly good education and my English and grammar are not exactly the worst. All these comments, attacks, bombs and criticisms, I have taken quite graciously. I might have responded with vile language to one or two people which I am sorry about but overall I have been very welcoming to comments and observations.


Sometimes the responses feel like physical attacks 

Recognition and applause

Fortunately, I have been able to see some good come of this blogging. For starters, I have been recognized by a few people here and there, naming and referring to this blog as a blog of worthy substance. If your name appears once or twice on AlJazeera and BBC along with a few local media channels, you have the courage to carry on with the Monday Blog. There might even be a little moment of celebration where you lock yourself up in a room and dance like a disabled person who just regained the use of their legs. Also, if along the way you win a few accolades and awards for your blogging, you may not be too downcast that some people say the blog is boring or a waste of people’s time. The most humbling thing though, is the thumbs up you occasionally get from readers telling you to keep up the consistency and creativity. It not only gives encouragement but also makes you think that maybe this whole Monday awesomeness thing is not a waste of time.

SMAOne of those surreal moments when I received one such award

Extreme Appreciation

Today’s blog post has no humour, jokes or made up stories of the life I have never lived. It has nothing about lost virginity, death threats, adoration of Jessica Alba, New Year resolutions, love for music, babysitting escapades or wrong relationship advice. Today’s blog post is just about (and for) appreciation and gratitude. I would like to thank everyone who has been a part of the continued delivery of the Monday Awesomeness. I would like to thank my internet service provider (who will not be named lest someone thinks they are providing me with free internet). I would specifically like to thank all the readers of this blog. If it has fallen short of your expectations at any time, I take full blame and for that I am forever trying to improve my game. I hope that on the days it has not fallen short you have been able to read, smile and share with a friend. I would like to thank everyone who has shared it on any platform; Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Email and so many others. You are the reason I keep getting emails from people all around the world wondering why what this Monday Awesomeness is all about. I also want to thank the people (both real and imaginary) that I meet every other day; the people whose lives I pick stories from. You are my inspiration – literally. Finally I thank the Government; seriously. What if I woke up one day and the Government decreed that Blogging is a crime punishable by jail time? So far that hasn’t happened so I am thankful to the Government for that.


A big thank you to everyone who reads this blog

Next Monday, regular programming will resume with the madness, confusion and awesomeness that comes with the Monday Blog. I just wanted to take a moment to make it known that this Monday Blog has gotten bigger than I expected. And for that reason, I would rather miss my own funeral than let a Monday come and go minus a Blog going up.

See you next Monday.

Oh, before I go … your traditional quote shall not be forgotten. This one is from me.

“There is no sensible quote for today” – Beewol: Blogger, Radio Presenter, Social Media Enthusiast, Rock Music Lover and Jessica Alba’s Toy boy.

a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Employment Crack Code

Nearly every adult Ugandan has voiced their concern about the unemployment levels in this otherwise blessed country. Political parties have been set up, associations formed and tantrums thrown all in the name of the high levels of unemployment. I was recently chatting with a Human Resource Manger of a major telecom company (NO, I do not have her phone number so please do not ask me for details). Our discussion centered on the employment market and how crowded and pathetic it is. True, we did veer off topic once or twice; it was hard to concentrate with her Dollydagger Dita black red polka dress screaming for attention right there, in front of me. Also, she had a dragon tattoo that kept peeping from the back of her neck – as if asking me to say something. That said, most of our discussion was about the employment market and it’s perks. Red

The dress that almost stole away my attention

You see, gone are the days when one would hold a graduation party while they have 2 or 3 job offer letters lying around somewhere in their house. Today, several years after you have graduated, you may still be seen languishing in cafes, coffee shops and parks looking to bump into old friends who can offer you jobs. The hunt for jobs has dangerously been elevated. You may come across a bunch of employment opportunities advertised in the local press but it will be quite a while before any of them actually works out for you.

JobSearchNewspaperTough luck!

In light of this, one would wonder how the heck we are going to survive. Why do Universities still churn out graduates anyway? It is not like new jobs for fresh graduates will suddenly be manufactured from a factory somewhere in Kyankwanzi. In addition, it has become apparent that older folks have more active taste buds and more insatiable appetites than the younger folks. How else would one explain a grey haired dude occupying four or five  jobs which could easily be filled by five different young and energetic people? Overall, it is safe to say that the situation may not improve any time soon.

Many vital questions can be asked in 2014. Is Pharrel Williams a vampire who never ages? What really happened to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370? Does Beyonce’s fart smell nasty? Is Tamale Mirundi a descendant of the Mayans? Will Nigeria colonize Uganda one day? Who is more beautiful between Lupita Nyong’o and Jenniffer Hudson? Very many unanswered questions still haunt us. However, the biggest question right now would be: How shall we deal with unemployment in Uganda?

My humble suggestion lies in two very simple solutions. If I may;

1. Stop waiting and make the call

Many unemployed Ugandans are guilty of sitting back and waiting for nature to call them to the dinner table. Unfortunately for them, nature has way too many problems to deal with that she will need a lot more time to attend to each and every one of them. Instead of waiting for lady luck to smile your way, how about getting off your lazy bottom and going out there to do hunt down this fat lipped lady luck? Instead of sitting back and reading the dailies in search of job opportunities, it wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to think of doing something on your own. Something that will not require you to send in an application letter or appear before the firing squad at an interview committee that will leave you all drenched in sweat. Go out there and do something that you are passionate about, something that may not bring in as much money at the start but is bound to do so with time and dedication. Many unemployed people today blame the Government for the apathy that they suffer. Blaming the Government is something we must all do – it is our civic duty to blame the Government for bad roads, ugly girls, poor service delivery, lousy weather, slow internet, anything and everything… not to mention unemployment. However, after the blame game has been played, one needs to wake up to the realization that while you are busy blaming the Government, your neighbor (who strangely is also under the same government) wakes up at 6:00 am every morning to set up his Rolex stall where he will then proceed to make some really good money without waiting for the Government to come and light his sigiri or buy him baking flour. About time you got off that lazy ass and stopped waiting for the Government to find you a job – the Government is busy dealing with more important issues like the 36 Billion shilling MPs parking lot that flooded and drafting a bill to curb the smoking of shisha.


The Government did not set his alarm for him to rise early

2. Embrace your passion and package yourself already! 

Very many unemployed people are quite talented at certain things and they are not even aware of it. Just because you graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Industrial Chemistry does not mean you cannot become a fine writer, movie star or Human Resource Manager. In Uganda, many of the courses we do at the University have to do with how we performed at ‘A’ Level. Sadly, this may not exactly be one’s passion in life. I know someone who passed ‘A’ level literature with flying colours but can barely write a 50 word story without making thirteen grammatical errors. Their passion is in another field – beer. Not drinking it, but marketing it. So he now works for a top Beer company where his skills are better suited. The onus is upon everyone to know what they are good at and go out there to embrace exactly that. The days when elders were worried about you wasting your Bachelor’s Degree in Development Studies by becoming a Nursery School Teacher are long gone. If your passion is in teaching little kids, direct your dreams, aspirations and focus towards exactly that. Not only will it help you garner the mojo to go out and hunt for an opportunity that best suits you, it will also help you grow your strengths and thus increase your chances of performing well when the time for the job arrives.


You’ll be shocked how much money you can get from Poultry!

Why so serious?

A traditional reader of this blog will probably be wondering why I decided to tackle a ‘big-people’ subject like unemployment when there are several lighter and more humorous subjects. The thing is, after talking to the dragon tattoo lady, I realized that the power to change the state of affairs lies in people who have a mouthpiece or platform. If I can say a word or two about something, I may as well do my part and help one or two people. Also, it will give me a chance to appear wise and insightful no matter how contrary the evidence may suggest.

So then, for your weekly dose of inspiration -

“All the possibilities of your human destiny are asleep in your soul. You are here to realize and honor these possibilities.” ― John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom


a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Follow @beewol on Twitter


In February 1966, the duo of James Brown and Betty Jean Newsome co-wrote a song ‘It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World’, a song that James Brown later performed in a studio somewhere in New York. The song was a commercial success and even though the Rolling Stone Magazine called it “biblically chauvinistic”, it generally had positive reviews. In the song, Brown attributed most of the successes of the modern world to the man but added that all these would mean nothing without a woman or a girl. Thirty six years later, a one Orville Richard Burrell better known as Shaggy released a hit song ‘Strength of a Woman’. Here, Shaggy heaped praises on, and lauded the woman for her beauty, power and sexiness. Along the way many songs, poems, movies and stories have been released and it has become apparent that women are the new rulers of the world. In the words of a one bodacious female representative Beyonce, women actually ‘run the world’. Beyonc


Any sane person will agree that the era when women were underdogs has long gone. This has effectively been replaced by an era where women battle for survival in the same ring with men, women challenge men to street fights and they generally hurl threats, insults and dares to their male counterparts without a fear. Let’s just say there is a lot more competition today between the male and female species. Women are kicking ass all over the world and taking names.

Woman-Kicking-Man-Silhouette-1c)++2012The game has changed

 Competition is healthy, right?

Wrong; very wrong! Unless you are assured of winning, there is no reason why you should be getting into competition. Forget what people say about competition sharpening you or making you work twice as hard. The competition between the male species and female species for dominance is one that can only end with one winner – the female. You see, as much as men like to think that we are in control of things, women actually are in control. Women are way smarter than men; they are more calculative and are certainly inclined to make more progressive decisions. True, they might make an impulsive decision here or a PMS-induced decision there ere but overall, women will keep the world spinning a lot longer than men will.

silhouette-of-woman-holding-globe  The world is probably safer in a woman’s hands

Now what?

Remember when we made so much noise about women emancipation? Remember when people got bonus points prior to joining University by virtue of the fact that they went through monthly bleeding routines? Well, it is about time we did that all over again – but this time for the men. It is time for e-man-cipation of men! Women have consistently proven over the years that they are better at management, policy making, ruthlessness and ambition. And now that every company, organization and entity is backing females over males, it is safe to say that men might as well be sent away from the high table sooner than we think. Gone are the days when wives stayed home to clean and cook for their husbands. Today, the only reason the woman will stay home is because she is enjoying the maternity leave after which she will fly straight back to her office desk to sign cheques. We are seeing more and more stay-home-dads today not because men are suddenly swarmed with oestrogen but because women are actually taking over.  

marvel_chicks-finalWomen have taken over! 

Is there a problem with women being on top of things?

Not at all; as a matter of fact, the woman-on-top position is a very wonderful position. It gives the woman control and enables her to make the man dance to her tune – never mind the fact that she does most of the twisting and turning. And before people’s minds can go crashing in the gutter, allow me to explain why I have no problem with women being on top. Research has shown that projects that are headed by women tend to achieve a lot more and a lot faster than projects that are headed by men. Did I just make that up? Yes. But surely it does make sense. Women know how to get the most out of the least. Men on the other hand can be quite extravagant and will not hesitate to be boastful along the way – something that is very dangerous and pathetic.

good  Imagine having Meagan Good on top of things

What exactly am I saying?

I guess all I am saying is that men will not last to see the end of this battle of the sexes. Women will outlast the men and women will eventually run the show. As already mentioned, this is no problem because it will probably be for the best if women take over. There might be a few glitches here and there with countries going to war over colours of their flags or alliances being made between countries because of similar shopping habits. However, on a whole, women are likely to make the world spin a little faster. My only worry is that along the way, men will be relegated to the role of drone men – purely for sexual satisfaction, unable to sting and utterly useless after sex. You see, the nature of a drone bee is such that should the drone succeed in mating, he will die almost instantly because his penis and all other associated abdominal tissues are suddenly ripped from his body after sexual intercourse. This is what we shall become.


Men will soon need to move around advertising their services

Humble Appeal

As such, on behalf of all men, I would like to appeal to the females to have mercy on us. The competition is getting really hot and you females are totally tearing it (and us) apart. We apologize for any awful things we may have done or said in the past to insinuate or claim that we run the show. We are fully aware that you currently run the show and we only beg that you do not relegate us to the background. Requesting for e-man-cipation might seem too forward but under the circumstances, it is the best we can do. We know that sooner than later you will need us for nothing other than sexual pleasure and as much as this sounds like a good deal for us, we beg that you do not rip off our sexual parts soon as your needs have been covered. We also recognize that outside of sex and conception, there is not much you need us for. The warmth can be gotten from the teddy bears you hug every night, the conversation can be gotten from your fellow females – they converse better than us men. And the companionship can be gotten from the numerous cats, dogs and other strange pets you take up. It is in light of this that I plead on behalf of all men; I beg that women forgive us for our transgressions and allow us to be a part of this race.

Man-begging-Woman-300x225Oh Great and merciful females … 

Here is something for you to chew on …

“Women saw everything, and they thought about everything. The result was wisdom. For men, this was a frightening state of affairs, which is why they insist on holding on to power.” ― Tamar Myers, The Witch Doctor’s Wife

a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Four Resolutions

At the beginning of the new year, the human race celebrated, exchanged gifts and kisses, made plans and laid down resolutions for 2014. A good number of folks were very positive about the weeks and months that were to follow. We had plans – very big plans for the new year. We are now safely into the 3rd month of the year and from the look of things, not much has changed from last year – for many people at least. The sun still rises in the East, Uganda is still a land locked country and people still listen to Lil Wayne Music. By now, many people have already defaulted on a good chunk of their New Years Resolutions it almost feels like the entire thing was a joke. Reality has set in and people are starting to realise that maybe the endless list of resolutions might not be attained after all. I have 4 special friends whose resolutions I would like to share …to see whether they are on course to attain them or if they are way off the mark. I therefore present Four Resolutions.

New-years-2014The New Year had so much promise ..

Ann the bride

Ann is a good friend of mine. She was/is so focused on getting her 2014 resolutions in line so much that she has been and still is vigorously scouting for a marriage partner. You see, my friend Ann has been single for as long as I can remember. She is clocking her 30s and is somewhat getting tired of independence. After a few years of enjoying the calmness of single-life, she has decided to settle down, get married, have little babies and basically start a family. Either that or she has suddenly awoken to the realisation that her Biological clock is ticking …very loud and very fast! At the end of 2013 she swore that by mid 2014 she would be well on her way to getting married. As it stands, she has a wedding date in mind, she has a program for the day, she knows what music will play, she even has the perfect location for the honeymoon. There is just one problem – Ann has no fiance. Hopefully Ann’s Prince charming will veer back onto the right path and find her because from the look of things, he seems to have gotten lost in the wilderness.

frying-pan-23734A few threats have already been made to convince the man to marry

Kenneth the smoker

Another friend, Kenneth, is still having trouble with his one resolution – to quit smoking. Kenneth made a conscious decision to quit smoking by the 3rd month of 2014. As you read this, Ken has tried and failed to quit smoking 8 times in the past several weeks. One of the attempts was ruined by a drunken stupor that ended in Ken smoking no less than a packet of ciggarettes a day for almost a week. Another attempt ended in a pathetic relapse that saw him almost get checked into rehab for losing his mind. Let’s just say, it is harder for some people to quit smoking than it is for a Government official to refuse a bribe. That said, Ken has not yet given up and has pushed the resolution to June. Now the deadline is end of June. I am still watching the space. Hopefully between now and June Ken does not die of smoke related issues.

funny-pictures-no-smokingThe hustle to quit smoking has been real for Ken

Lucas the Singer

Last year, Lucas started his music career. He made a vow that 2014 would indeed be his year. He vowed to make sure that his career in the industry moved from one level to another as quickly as possible. As a result Lucas invested quite a lot of time and a bit of funds in sending his career onto the run-way. From the look of things, the investment has not yet been worthwhile since Lucas has no more than 20 fans – most of whom are friends and family and are therefore obliged to support him. Lucas is convinced that he was born to be a star and despite all the advice for him to quit, he still wakes up at 5 am every morning for ‘voice practice’. He also takes part in Karaoke as much as he can so that he may be ‘spotted’ at some point by a music producer who will help him push his career forward. So far all music producers seem to have blocked their eyes and ears to Lucas’ cries. He refused to go for Coca Cola Rated Next show because it is ‘beneath him’. Not sure if this is a good call but clearly Lucas has very big dreams. Hope he achieves them.

boredA typical crowd when Lucas hits the Karaoke stage

Bernard the dreamer

The plan was to get rich preferably by robbing a bank, watch all episodes of Breaking Bad, stay out of the jail cells and stay sober for at least 7 straight days. So far, the resolutions are not going too bad seeing as this year I have not seen the inside of a jail cell …yet. Also, I was recently sober for an entire week – never mind that I was on medication and the doctor had instructed me not to take any alcohol if I wanted to stay alive. I have not yet been able to rob a bank but then again, such plans are not executed without meticulous planning. So the planning is still going on. I have already gotten the Breaking Bad DVDs, now if only I can get the time to sit down and actually watch them. One other resolution that I made was to get married to either Jessica Alba or Leila – depending on who said ‘Yes’ first. I have not yet gathered the balls to propose to either of them but it is a work in progress and it shall be done – eventually. If I have to drug either of the ladies so I can propose, I shall do it! This year’s resolutions must be attained.

1251225087_jessica_alba_290x402Our marriage is on this year’s to-do list

I hope everyone else has had better luck with their resolutions thus far.

“There will be always something old in the New Year!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Taming Her 101

For a very long time, men have gotten a very raw deal when it comes to dating and relationships. Either they are blamed for being too absent minded during a romantic dinner or they are blamed for dozing off after just a few minutes of foreplay. Men tend to take most of the heat when relationships go south. Women on the other hand are experts. They are very good at mending things so they never really have mistakes lying around waiting to be uncovered. They read a lot of relationship literature, they discuss a lot (with other women) about relationships and they generally have all the tips and tricks at their finger tips – they are all-knowing when it comes to relationships.

While everyone is struggling to have women considered equal to men, I silently rally some of my buddies so we can rebel and attempt to change the narrative. You see, women have progressed in this matter known as dating, so much that when a man meets a woman, they have different time frames for their relationship. By the time the man makes up his mind to date the woman, the lady has already played out possible scenarios right from the first hello to the day when their kids will be born. Women think faster and they look further.

For this reason therefore, I have decided to share some secrets with fellow men. Some of these secrets are meant to help brothers ‘tame their women’ so that they too can have a chance in life. Since men are playing catch up, there is no harm is requesting women to stop reading right here, right now. So, gentlemen, here is my little insight on taming the lady 101.

Give it to her

As a man, it is your responsibility to make sure that the woman you call your better half is getting mind blowing sex. You are required by the Universe to make sure that once you and her are through with a sexual encounter, she can barely walk. Now before you go and maim a poor man’s daughter by bashing her knees with sticks so she can barely walk, you ought to remember that sex is the only weapon you should use. You can use this weapon not only to send shock-waves throughout her entire system but also to remind her that you are the real deal. If you are lousy in bed, there is no harm in secretly downloading a Kamasutra app and passing through it every now and again for tips. Women like good sex, they fancy explosive sex but they absolutely love good explosive sex. So don’t be shy, give it to her till she can practically has to crawl away from the bed. Even the courts of law will back a man who maims his woman through sex.

ManIf you have to hide your identity so you can up your game – go ahead!

Pamper Her

For the average man, the word ‘pampering’ is not a very good word to use when referring to the treatment a man should give a woman. However, if you are looking to keep your woman coming back to the four walls of your house, you better start to pamper her. Obviously folks with plenty of money will feel like they have a head start here but without necessarily bursting your bubble, the kind of pampering the woman needs is not so much material pampering.  Make her feel special. Refer to her as whatever confectionary comes to mind, call her any fruit you like and compliment her whenever you have an opportunity. If she recently said she will be going to the salon, when you see her after the salon, be sure to compliment her. Set a reminder on your phone if you have to. No matter how hideous her new weave looks, swallow a bitter pill and tell her she looks good. Forget what you have been told about telling the truth – Lie to the woman or she might lie with someone else. Many times you don’t applaud a woman because she genuinely looks dashing but rather because she put in quite a lot of effort – even though she may end up looking like a 96 year old Nigerian Demon.

wash feet

Occasionally wash her feet and you’ll be a keeper


Women love talking mostly because they invented it. You see, a very long time ago, God created man. But since God and Man were not talking that much, God figured a third party should liven things up. Who better to spice things up other than the woman? Women are the owners of conversation and they love to exercise they gift of conversation. If you are not good at speaking, you better sharpen your listening skills because you will need to listen attentively. Occasionally refer to a story she narrated in the past; this ought to give her the impression that you actually listen. Women may not want to talk with men but rather to just know that men are listening. Turn off the game on TV, put your phone down, hide your Porn magazine and just listen to the woman. If you have to, practice with Joan, the waitress at your local bar. Perfect the art of smoothly sliding in and out of conversation without making it obvious what you are doing. Conversation counts for a lot.

stock-footage-businesswoman-shouting-through-megaphone-and-pointingNo matter how loud she may be, just listen!


One of the biggest mistakes that men make is to assume that all women are the same. This is something that usually screws all of us up. While some women are more interested in material things like several pairs of shoes and numerous hand bags, some are more interested in humour and conversation while some others just want good sex and nothing more. It is up to you to know what you are good at and flaunt it so that you are able to attract females who appreciate that exact attribute. That way, you do not have to worry about putting up an act just so you can get into her pants. It will come easy for you.


This Blogger is no expert at relationship issues. In fact, he sucks so much at relationship issues that the last couple he gave relationship advice ended up turning gay. The guy decided he now liked guys and the lady decided she now preferred ladies. Therefore, no matter how convincing this Blog post might seem, take it with a pinch of salt – unless of course your relationship is very salty in which case you are doomed. Have a great week all the same.

“Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.”  ― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City


a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

Follow @beewol on Twitter