Delayed Rapture

For quite a long while now, Christians of the world have patiently awaited the second coming of Jesus Christ. Very many people have advanced theories about when the son of man may return but over time no one has been able to draw a circle around a date and actually get it right.

Somewhere in the Bible, there is a concept known as the rapture. Many Christian faiths are of the view that there is a time coming that shall be known as the ‘end-times’. During this time, all true and righteous believers who will still be alive at the end of the world will be taken straight from earth to heaven by God. This will happen when Jesus makes his second coming.

For reasons that have never really been figured out, Jesus’ second coming seems to be taking longer than expected. The son of man had categorically made it clear that he would return soon. So far, ‘soon’ has turned out to be longer than expected. Naturally, a few theories have been advanced to explain the delayed rapture and as always, I have my own twisted and probably wrong theory which I will share nonetheless.

I shall therefore henceforth offer my submission about why I think the rapture has been delayed and why Jesus has procrastinated about coming back to take us to see his old man upstairs.

Racism and bigotry

I was not around when the good Lord was creating the world but I am certain he did not mean for there to be racism at any one point. How and why we as human beings came up with this bogus concept that one race is more superior than the other, I will never know. What I do know though is that the Lord is not happy with this state of affairs. Once again, he is giving us the opportunity to see our mistake, repent of our ways and stop seeing people as belonging to specific colour, creed or country. One would have hoped that in 2014 since the world is more interconnected than ever before there should be less racism. But behold! It still lingers in our midst. While some people think that strides have been made in the right direction with intermarriages and all, you will be shocked to learn that there are many people who still walk around vending racist ideas and being proud about it. Unless such morons change their thinking, I am afraid, the Son of Mary and Joseph might continue procrastinating on this whole second coming thing.

Racism-is-wrong

Truth!

Bogus Liars, unsent messengers and false prophets

Almost everywhere you turn, there is a new church, synagogue, mosque, temple and worship place being set up. How is Jesus supposed to come back with all this confusion going on? No; seriously, how? It appears there is a religion or sect for every person who has some free time, a little inspiration and whole load of lies packaged together not to mention the desire to make money. Without necessarily pointing fingers, I wonder why and how people have the nerve to refer to themselves as ‘prophets’, ‘men and women of God’ and ‘messengers of God’ when their true lives are filled with deceit, sexual perversion, financial manipulation and abnormally loud smugness. You cannot ask your flock to lead humble lives when you are the same person living an extremely lavish lifestyle funded by the same flock you are fleecing. That right there is why Jesus has put his return on hold. As a shepherd, lose a few properties, drive a cheaper car, wear less expensive suits, have a simpler phone and maybe, just maybe the son of man might consider returning.

False

Leading the folk to hell!

Fake People, Pretenders and Wannabes

I cannot even begin to talk about how much these people are dragging us behind schedule in terms of the return of Jesus Christ. You see, when the Lord was among us, he lived a life of truth and openness. He never pretended to be something he was not. He could have easily been anything he wanted to be but he stuck to the things he knew best; performing miracles, confusing his disciples with brilliantly well woven parables and fighting for women’s rights (refer to John 8.) Today however, you often come across people who clearly are nothing of what they say they are. If you are not a musician, I see no reason why you should go into the studio and record a song just because you can afford it. Stay away from the studio! If you are not a good TV presenter, I see no reason why you should be the one taking us through the News Telecast just because your skin complexion is good for TV. These are the people who are making Jesus Christ stay away. And NO –I am not referring to anyone in particular … or am I?

Pretenders

If you ain’t it, don’t try to be it

Bathroom Selfies, nudes and sex tapes

On any given day, once you get online, there are certain things that you are bound to encounter; a host of bathroom selfies, poorly directed sex tapes and dangerously vulgar nude pictures of otherwise unpretty humans. For starters, I have no idea who invented the idea of taking pics in the bathroom but this person’s name is most probably on Jesus’ blacklist. Since the Son of man is keen on forgiveness and second chances, I believe he is giving this  individual a chance to repent of his sins and ask for forgiveness from the Lord. Nudes and sex tapes are leaking today more than ever before. It appears for anyone to have even half a career in the entertainment industry they must have some kind of audition through nudes or sex tapes. How pathetic! And what is worse is that people seem to imagine that these bathroom selfies, nudes and sex tapes are a great way to attract Likes on Facebook, Instagram and wherever else they can be shared. There is no way Jesus can return amidst this madness. We need to get our sh*t together.

JesusFor the record, I think Jesus was Black

There are so many other people who I believe have delayed the coming of Jesus Christ for instance overly loud Arsenal fans, Ugandan MPs who have no clue what they are doing, Terrorists who continue to imagine that there are virgins waiting for them in heaven as well as people who forward chain messages on whatsapp. As soon as all these people get their act together, I am confident Jesus the son of man will show up.

“The planet is fine. The people are f*cked.” ― George Carlin

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Four Wise Fools

For as long as the human race has existed, there has been a notion spreading from one generation to another about how women are complex and impossible to figure out. A woman is one big ball of confusion covered up in even more confusion and walking around spreading this confusion to any willing and unwilling human. The moment Eve devoured the forbidden fruit, lured her husband into sampling it, and then turned round to blame everyone and everything but herself, it became clear that woman had secured her position as the trickiest being alive.

The-Forbidden-Fruit-twilight-series-2634346-745-664

Where it all started!

Now, before females can pull out daggers, pangas, swords and vile words, I want to begin by stating that I am probably the last person in the world who would know anything about women. One would expect that since I am son to a woman, I have dated a woman and I do have a bunch of unruly sisters I should have some fair insight into women – WRONG. I am as clueless as any man on the face of the earth. However, I have a gang of four friends who insist that they have a grasp of what women really are all about.

Not-so-long-ago these guys and I sat down to try and figure out what women are really about. I was tasked to document (and eventually share) the opinions of these men who I shall call the Four Wise Fools – for obvious reasons. I shall present each wise fool’s opinion along with a brief background to the opinion giver.

Opinion Giver 1 – Kenneth (Not real name)

Kenneth has been married twice and has had his fair share of girlfriends. He is the oldest of the group at a whooping 46 and he is the most ‘experienced’ when it comes to women. With 1 extra marital relationship and 2 side dishes to his name, Kenneth proudly boasts of his years of experience with women. His opinion was therefore documented first.

Kenneth’s Opinion

Women are meticuously crafted beings whose sole purpose on earth is to suck all the happiness and pleasure out of men (there was a bit of emphasis on the sucking although we were not sure why; but we all laughed). They will pretend to like you just so they can get close to you and rip your heart to shreds – they do this ripping thing for fun. They may appear to be fragile, sensitive and vulnerable but really deep down they are rugged, pugilist and mercenaries sent by the gods to finish off men. One or two women might be genuinely nice but only for a while. Once they are in their flocks with other females, their true selves will emerge – vile, horrid and sadistic. When you have the chance to get with one, make it count; leave a scar.

WOMEN

Kenneth Reckons women are out for blood.

Opinion Giver 2 – Francis (Also not real name)

Francis is a fresh graduate, an enthusiastic young active man and a budding loverman. He is dating Martha (definitely not real name) and they have been together for about 2 years now. Martha is a model at a top Modeling agency but word has it that she also moonlights as an escort girl – something Francis vehemently denies. Francis prides himself in never having cheated on his girlfriend and is confident she has also never cheated on him.

Francis’ Opinion

Women are really not that hard to figure out. The secret in figuring out women is in not trying at all. You see, many men spend half their lives trying to figure out women and the other half regretting why they ever tried in the first place. The trick to staying with the same women for long is simple – never start a fight, always apologize even when you’re not in the wrong and never start an argument no matter how vindicated you may be. Never give a woman reason to be mad at you and you just might survive in this life. If by some mistake you make her mad, be quick to apologize for it and make up with mind blowing sex, some intimate one-on-one talk, an expensive shopping spree or something really wildly expensive like a trip abroad. Obviously if you cannot afford this the Universe has already tilted the odds against you but give it your best – sell your liver if you have to but always be ready to spend obscenely on her if you want to keep her happy. In short, spend on her and you are good to go.

money-and-women-are-the-most-sought-after-and-the-least-known-about-of-any-two-things-we-have

The two have so much in common 

 Opinion Giver 3 – James (can’t be real name or he’ll kill me)

James is a Youth Pastor at a prominent Church in this city. You will find him on any given day either reading the bible, talking about the bible or sharing a bible verse. He is as Christian as they come and is anxiously awaiting the second coming of Jesus Christ. The wait has been long but James will not waiver in his faith. He hopes to have sex (for the first time) when he gets married. Naturally no one believes he is a virgin but he swears by the King James Bible that he has never ‘known a woman’.

James’ Opinion

Women are special vessels created by God to help man grow and fill this world. Women are however not easy creatures to deal with. The Bible clearly states in Proverbs 31:30 that ‘Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.’ Therefore unless a woman fears the Lord, she is bound to turn out evil. In fact, most of the women of the world are complex because they walk in the ways of the world. Women of today also forget the Bible recommends that they play second fiddle to the men. In Colossians 3:18 the Bible is clear; ‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.’ Sadly, most women ignore this and it is why most of them are going to hell. Women waste their time and resources trying to look spectacular instead of seeking first the kingdom of God. Women are complex today because they have shunned the ways of God. All women are going to hell.

HELL2

Apparently women need to have this tagged onto them

Opinion Giver 4 – Derrick (Obviously also not real name)

Derrick is a simple guy who lives from hand to mouth. He earns just enough to sustain him and occasionally take a female to a low end bar for some happy hour drinks. Other than that, he really does not fancy spending on women. Derrick will buy 20 new belts before taking a random female out on a date. He is what most people would call stingy. He will only spend on a female when he is sure he is taking her to bed or if he has proven blood relations with her.

Derrick’s Opinion

Women are simply materialistic – that is all! They want this, they want that, they want the other… and what do they offer in return? They nag, demand, stress, complain and quarrel like their lives depend on it. Would it hurt for a woman to foot the bill every once in a while? Huh? Would it hurt for her to surprise me with an air-time scratch card of say 10k? Is that too much to ask. I do not date because women are like bad businesses. You get in there expecting profits, so you invest your whole life savings. Then what do you get? Two whatsapp messages in a day asking if you can send mobile money and finding out if you call back. Useless!! One day they will realise that this whole emancipation business is overated. I hate women!

woman-man-money-bills-cash

 

Women will put you out to dry in a second!

Note from the Blogger

 The views expressed in this Blog are not the Blogger’s views. As much as the Blogger is not well clued on women, the Blogger insists that the Four Wise Fools are only representative of a small chunk of men. There are men out there who have nice things to say about women. The Blogger is just sorry they were not part of the discussion on that day. The Blogger is however having a trip to Jinja this Weekend where he will meet a number of interesting people who promise to give insight on the same topic. There is hope that some decent words shall be said about women.

Book

In the meantime we’re studying them

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Season Orientation

Ever since the World Cup ended a few weeks back, there has not been much in terms of really juicy competitive football. There have been a couple of games here and there but nothing half as electric or captivating as the World Cup. People who are into football have been starved of some real action. Fortunately, most leagues around the world are about to resume and in a few weeks the euphoria will be right where we want it to be – at the very top.

For someone who lives, breathes, eats and farts football, there is no need to go through any kind of orientation before the football season starts. As a matter of fact, you’ve probably already chosen your side and are chanting away your team’s slogan with extreme pride. You will most likely have already exchanged a few insults with individuals supporting any team that is not yours and you will have already set up wagers left right and center before the season even kicks in. You’ve already predicted where your team will finish at the end of the coming season – at the top.

may-the-fourth-be-with-you

Even those who are in sync with the fourth

On the other hand, if you relatively new to the concept of club football, you are probably unsure which direction to take. You are not even sure if you should join in the madness and confusion that usually tends to take over a chunk of Ugandans. True, you supported all African teams during the World Cup, felt sad for Neymar when he got injured; loved Rodriguez’s spectacular goal and were amused by the vanishing spray that the referees deployed in Brazil. Generally speaking though, you are not the most passionate person when it comes to football. You are however thinking of joining a certain camp so as to identify with the cool people who know a thing or two about club football.

Before you can hand yourself in to the dark side for mutilation, I’d like to give you a piece of advice – Stay away from football. You see, I have watched this bogus game called football for over two decades and I can confidently tell you that it sucks! The addiction that you will come under is something of epic proportions. On a number of occasions, you will lose sleep, money, integrity and even relationships simply because of this thing called football. And while still on the subject of losing things, prepare to lose a lot more than just your mind when your team loses by any chance. There are the buddies who will take every second they can spare to remind you that your team lost to theirs and they will gladly keep throwing vile insults your way just to ignite some kind of feud and they won’t fail. You see, if you passionately support a certain team, no matter how many seasons it has gone without a trophy, you will always imagine it is better than all the rest. And so if anyone alleges otherwise, you will not let things slide without a fight (worded or physical).

Animals

Prepare to defend your zone

Along the way, you will forge alliances and create bonds based on your support for/of a certain team or dislike of another team. Some of the people who eventually become your friends will scare you with their passion. Throw in a random hint of criticism that may be extremely objective and all hell will break lose. They will do everything to throw fire in your direction and may possibly even deliver a beating right at your doorstep. These are the kind that seem like they hold shares in the team they support. But don’t blame them – they are just passionate. When their team wins, they will praise the team, heap accolades on the manager and demand for every other team to bow down. When their team loses, they will demand for the manager’s head, insult all the players and threaten to abandon the team. Brace yourself for that kind as well.

nike

It’s all about the passion

If by now you are getting worried about this whole thing called football, then I am getting through to you. But then again, there are good sides to this demon. When I was watching the World Cup, I was lucky to watch one of the games with a fairly wealthy individual who promised to buy us rounds of drinks every time Brazil conceded a goal. Lucky for us, during that particular game, the Germans were really in scoring mood and the Brazilians somewhat conspired to have us get drunk. Such people are the reason football was invented anyway. They will buy the whole bar a round once their favourite player(s) perform well.

man

They can be extremely generous or extremely nasty

While you prepare to venture into this world of club football, you might want to pick up a few tips on which clubs are everyone’s favourites. You can pick on a team depending on anything from Team Jerseys, Historical success, World Wide Support, Famous footballers, to a coin toss. Be sure though that once you settle for a team, you will be obliged to stick with them through thick and thin; like a marriage ought to be. Anyone who swings from one team to another is nothing but a fake individual; like the Pioneer Buses they will be sought out and hung to dry.

When all is said and done however, the decision whether to get onto the bandwagon of football lovers or stay in the lane of boring non-football-loving humans is something that will always come down to you as an individual. Of course there will be little things nudging you here and there for example your awesome friends who keep talking about Juventus, Real Madrid, Manchester United, Bayern FC and Orlando Pirates. Then there are radio and TV stations throwing football related issues in your face left right and center.

toy

You won’t be able to escape it

Oh, and once you get into the thick of supporting these football clubs, you will have to set aside a chunk of your hard earned money to purchase merchandise like club-tshirts and other items like pillows, bedsheets, pants and other ridiculous items that will hit the market. This is the only way people around you will know that you are committed to the club 100%. The only other way to show commitment is to know plenty of history of the club which from the look of things you might not master seeing as there are a few weeks to the start of the season.

keep-calm-and-love-football-120

Sounds about right

So then, good luck with your endeavor.  See you at the start of the season.

“The thing about football – the important thing about football – is that it is not just about football.” ― Terry Pratchett, Unseen Academicals

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

Offline Pledge

When I held my first mobile phone, I was fresh from high school and it was something of a life achievement to own a mobile phone. My old man figured I needed the gadget, not so much for communication but so I would not label him and my mum failed parents. As a young adult, it was extremely important that my friends saw me as a trend setter as opposed to a trend follower. And so I was one of the few S.6 vacists with a mobile phone at the time.

CellMy first baby the Nokia 5160

My first mobile phone was huge, most times without credit, but always fully charged and constantly in my hands. It had no internet access and the most high-tech attribute about it was infrared. I loved it nonetheless and it always made me appear cool despite its size and limited functionality. I could often be seen fingering the device with untold pride, extreme delight and strange frequency. It didn’t matter that half the time I was playing the snake game and the other half I was changing from one monophonic ringtone to another. The phonebook was mostly filled with numbers I copied from billboards, news papers and random magazines. Since I had few actual phone numbers that belonged to people I knew, I had to find a way to fill up the phonebook. The huge device was my pride; it was my love; it was my everything!

Toy

The closest most peers had come to owning a phone 

As time went by, it became impossible to separate me and my phone. The relationship we had was something of a symbiotic one; I constantly charged the device and it rewarded me by winning me approval and substantial envy from my peers. Being one of the first among my friends to own a mobile phone was something that constantly gave me pleasure and massaged my ego substantially. And so without warning, my addiction to the mobile phone started right there.

baby

Nowadays the addiction starts right from birth!

Several years later, the addiction has become so powerful that I often wonder what my life would be like if I spent just a few days without my phone. At the beginning of this year while everyone was making resolutions to become richer, get marriage partners, switch jobs or become less abusive, I was quietly having an interesting conversation with the universe about my addiction to my mobile phone. I told myself that I would set aside a one week period where I would be offline. Being offline would mean having no internet access on my phone which is something I cannot risk doing for a number of reasons. First of all, my job requires that I am constantly online. Secondly, I have this strange addiction to following events online right from sports, to current affairs to entertainment and everything in between. Thirdly, isn’t life just so empty without the internet? Seriously; is it not?

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Oh the things I will miss!!

Naturally, this addiction and desire to stay online all the time comes at a price. There is the issue of using up way too much data which increasingly takes a toll on the wallet. Then there is the issue of having to walk around with cables and such things so as to constantly charge the bloody phone. Quite a hustle! And then of course you have all these notifications and alerts awaiting response every now and again.

truth

Trues Story

And so when I was having that other conversation with the Universe, I was keen to promise myself a week when I would have no access to the internet on my phone. It appears Karma was eavesdropping because just last week (on Friday), I got an unexpected visit from Lady Karma. My phone blacked out and has since refused to respond to any pressing, loud cursing, polite begging and earnest prayer. The damned phone just will not budge.

The natural thing for one to do when their prized Samsung Galaxy Tab stops working is head to the technicians to try and get the little baby to work again. Or if the worst came to the worst, have the gadget replaced. However, having remembered that I owed the Universe the promise to stay offline for at least one week, I decided against it. Also, I was too broke to get the phone fixed or replaced. So I decided to spend some time offline, starting with the weekend. Big Mistake!

For starters, a number of folks had gotten used to getting in touch either via whatsapp, Twitter, Faebook or email which unfortunately cannot be accessed when one is offline. Access to the internet on the phone is something that offers an opening to so many avenues of communication. Each of these will come with specific benefits and shortcomings. A good number of my contacts are actually wondering what the heck is going on with me especially since they are used to my online presence 24/7. I have received a few phone calls from people who think ‘something is wrong’. And yes, they are right – the phone with which I access the internet is dead.

no-internet

The phone I’m currently using  as no internet access. 

It is therefore safe to say that for one week, there is a chance I will be in a dark, cold, lonely, uninformed and totally sad world of only phone calls and old school text messages. While everyone is constantly updating their status on Facebook, sharing details of their boring lives on Instagram, spreading false rumours about themselves on Twitter and sharing updates about their boring jobs on LinkedIn, I shall quietly be stuck with phone calls and Text messages.

It may appear that I am going offline because I am trying to cut back on my addiction to my phone but really it is mostly because I cannot afford to get back online right away. While I have resigned myself to waiting for one week before I can replace the now dead smart phone, I know that I will pay quite dearly for this. One or two business deals might go south, my boss might complain here and there and I might even miss an invite to a party somewhere. But I like to think it is for the greater good. So then, my dear friends, if I do not respond to your whatsapp message or I if reply your email only in the evening when I am seated on a computer, it is because I am trying to follow up on my pledge to the Universe. It might have taken the death of my beloved Samsung Galaxy Tab but hey, the call must be answered. The regularity with which I am online is going to reduce substantially for just a week. But even though I walk through the shadow of no mobile internet for a week, I shall fear no evil!

offline

Back in a Week

“A man who can’t bear to share his habits is a man who needs to quit them.” ― Stephen King, The Dark Tower

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

An August Proposal

A lot has been said about the August house; the Parliament of Uganda, over the past few days. In fact, even before this, many schools of thought advanced the allegation that the quality of the people and debate in the Ugandan Parliament has deteriorated over the years. For purposes of clarity and insight, last week, I took some time off to attend and keenly follow some of the sessions in the August House. While I must admit the sessions in the 9th Parliament are lacking in more ways than one, I must also add that there is plenty of potential in that place. You see, unlike other doomsday prophets and pessimists out there, I chose to focus on the positives in the Parliament. Seeing as there were few of those, I decided to think up ways in which we could make our Parliament better.

I therefore come before you my dear friends with a proposal for recommendations that we could adopt to make the August house more robust, more accountable and certainly more interesting.

Music Breaks

Research has shown that music has the capacity to improve brain activity, better understanding and generally lift moods. While it is admirable that MPs are keen to deliver legislation with utmost meticulousness, one must appreciate that without inspiration these attempts will always be futile. When you hear some MPs speak, you can literally feel the lack of inspiration and desire. I propose that the Speaker of Parliament orders a 10 Minute music break every after an hour. During this music break, MPs can either do Karaoke to refresh their brains or a DJ Mix can be thrown in to get the blood of the MPs flowing. With these music breaks, it is highly likely that fewer MPs will be missing out on sessions. And who knows, we might discover one or two musicians whose talents were hiding behind the title of MP.

1

Parliament could give us a real superstar

Theme Days

Any and every workplace will thrive when the workers are happy. When you see some MPs take to the floor of parliament, you can read it in their faces that the suits they are wearing are nothing but a pain. Why should we force these Honourable MPs to feel uncomfortable while legislating? Let’s allow for theme days when they can alter their dress code. For instance we can have Short Skirt Tuesday, Old School Wednesday, No Panty Thursday and the good old Casual Friday. With these theme days you can be sure that Parliament will not only be more colourful but also more interesting. Some MPs have never worn suits their whole lives and the only time they wore suits was during the swearing in. Why should you force such MPs to suddenly wear suits every day? Allow them to stay in their comfort zones by permitting theme days.

2

Just a thought

Arena Days

Every now and again you will hear certain MPs exchanging fierce words not just on the floor of parliament but even within the corridors and in the press. Why don’t we introduce Arena days where the floor is cleared of furniture and aggrieved MPs are given rudimentary weapons so they can have a go at each other in physical battles? We cannot escape from the fact that human beings are naturally inclined to not like those who disagree with them. Instead of going around spreading false and often malicious rumours about their colleagues, why don’t aggrieved MPs take it up with each other during the Arena Days? This would reduce politicking and it would help MPs stay in shape as each one will be hitting the gym in preparation for when another MP decides it is time to take things down with them in the Arena.

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The birth of the MPs fight club

Pop Quiz

Without necessarily naming names, it has become apparent that some MPs are as clueless about their duties as men are about the pain of childbirth. How about the Speaker of Parliament launching a periodical Pop Quiz where she asks random MPs questions about their own country. For instance, what colours are on the national flag or how many districts are in this sovereign country? You see, many MPs are busy clamouring for things left right and centre but forget simple facts about their country. Would it not help if they knew that anytime there could be a pop quiz? I am sure they would always be on their toes trying to read and stock up on much needed knowledge. The results of the periodical pop quiz can then be compiled to determine whether or not one gets allowances for the month.

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Anha!!

Punishments

In life, most of the mistakes we make are punishable by some kind of regret. While this is supposed to be the general rule, MPs seem to fall outside of this bracket. These guys make quite a number of mistakes but never really pay for them – instead it is the bulk of the population that pays for these mistakes. Well, I suggest that MPs begin to take blame and start getting punished for the mistakes they make. Using wrong English on the floor of parliament, lying to the electorate, making up excuses for shoddy work, failure to show up for sessions, noise making, going off-topic during discussions and having too many bank loans to one’s name are among the mistakes that would elicit punishments. The punishments can vary from withholding or docking one’s salary to a few days behind closed walls or in a prison cell.

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Occasionally we can have some whips here and there

Down Sizing

Finally and probably most importantly, we ought to reduce the size of the goddam Parliament! How the heck do we have 375 MPs all  seated under one roof, presumably discussing issues of national importance and we still expect results? The first Parliament (Legislative Council) of 1962 had just 92 members. How and why this number rocketed to 375 is something that baffles everyone – incuding the MPs themselves. It is a crowd in there! I pity speaker Rebecca Kadaga who somehow has to keep track of all these names. It is a miracle that she has not lost her mind yet. It is true that politics is a game of numbers and this is why each party wants to have as many MPs in parliament as possible. However, too much money is going into catering for these MPs. Also, discussions usually get swallowed up by irrelevant and often diversionary submissions simply because there is plenty of quantity and very little in terms of quality. Let’s have fewer MPs and then  money that is saved in the process can then be channelled to more constructive things like putting up a cinema hall in Parliament or setting up a swimming pool so that the few MPs who remain feel the respect, pomp and prestige that an MP ought to feel.

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We shall soon need the police for Crowd control in Parliament.

I beg to move.

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” —Will Rogers

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Post WC

For very many people, the past few weeks of World Cup euphoria have offered an experience that can best be described as memorable. Obviously it was not as memorable for the Brazilians, English or Spanish but overall, the World Cup served up some real excitement. In our own backyards, relationships were created, bets won, friendships terminated, allegiances shifted, breakups initiated and basically life lived to the fullest – all because of the football showpiece.

Now that the World Cup has ended, many people have been left confused, dazed and basically non compos mentis because of the absence of football action. Some are already starting to suffer from World Cup withdrawal symptoms seeing as they had gotten used to a Brazilian drubbing here, a Spanish annihilation there or an English humiliation the other side. There is simply no more World Cup and coming to grips with this realisation is going to be a challenge. The World Cup is like a sweet drug that people have gotten addicted to and now need ways to stay away from because the supplier just ran out of stock.

As a person who is an expert at addictions and keeping them in check (try to not think so much about that), I would like to offer a few remedies for all my friends as well as my enemies; the German fans. Here is how you can pre-occcupy yourself during this World Cup aftermath.

Watch plenty of TV

For most sane people, soaps, TV shows and TV series are generally a waste of time and a very effective way of keeping your mind stagnant. They do not add to one’s intellectual sharpness, acumen, wisdom or intuition and neither do they make one any more insightful. They however play a very crucial role in holding friendships together, helping people shave hours off their often boring lives and basically offer people topics of discussion during stale blind dates or during boring house parties. During this time when there is no football going on, give these TV series a shot. True, you may emerge dumber, less insightful and probably addicted to one or two TV shows but you will certainly have helped yourself get over the absence of football. I have to add that you must desist from watching any World Cup replays or you will have a seizure or some kind of delirium because your mind will suddenly demand for more football. Watch TV but stay away from Football.

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Make sure the volume is turned up so she doesn’t read anything

Medidate and do Yoga

Specialists at peace and tranquillity recommend meditation and yoga for people who would like to get their thoughts together. You will probably have a rough time trying to forget Mario Gotze’s heartbreaking screamer against Sergio Romero or Tim Cahill’s beauty against Netherlands but Yoga and meditation should just about do the trick. Instead of constantly replaying Lionel Messi’s 90th Minute winner against Iran, you can focus your mind on healthier things like doing Yoga. While doing group Yoga (preferably with females around) you can be sure that football will be the furthest thing on your mind as other softer and more delicious issues will take up that space in your mind ( No – I do not know this from experiencel; I am only working with assumptions). The meditation will help you look at your life more critically so as to identify the mistakes you have made and how you can make other mistakes while trying to correct previous ones.

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Go on and Challenge yourself

Plan for 2016

Every day that passes in Uganda brings us closer to 2016 – the year of reckoning. Whilst the rest of us were busy arguing bitterly during the World Cup, some visionaries were laying strategies for 2016. If you were lucky (or unlucky) to have watched the World Cup on UBC TV, you would have noticed a certain consistently loud message about the Kyankwanzi Resolution. I am yet to understand why and how such a video even runs on a National Broadcaster but that is besides the point. The video simply begs the question – if other people are getting ready for 2016, what are you doing? World Cup is over; start drawing up plans for your 2016 manifesto. Plan for how many bars of soap you will supply in your constituency and how many sacks of sugar you will need to get the local leadership on your side. Look at which banks have favourable loan deals to help you cover your campaings. You could also create a video that may or may not talk of you as a demi-god who everyone must vote if they want to stay alive and then you can have this video run on UBC Tv.

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Start planning your political career

Work on your relationships

It is highly likely that for many people, the World Cup dealt a huge blow to their relationships with friends, family and lovers. Now that it is all over, such people should now resort their energies to fixing those broken relationships. If you and your partner broke up or filed for a divorce on grounds that you two could not agree on whether Messi is better than Ronaldo, maybe it is about time you called a truce. Most footballers in the world are now on holiday – take a hint. Free your mind from the slavery of football and focus on making those around you happy. Get home in time to have dinner with your wife, make that phone call to the grandmother and pay a friend a visit. With the World Cup out of the way, you can now go forth and multiply because you now have the time for coitus. Don’t disappoint the missus by saying you are occupied. The most popular sporting event is over; make some time to engage in intimacy with your partner. It is the least you can do after ignoring them for the entire duration of the World Cup.

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People like Wenger are out there striking killer poses – join them!

Other things

There are about 92 other things you can engage in now that the World Cup is over. Some of those that I haven’t mentioned above include starting a cult, joining the army, becoming a musician, practicing for Big Brother Nominations and stalking an ex partner.

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 *Yawn* when does the season start again?

The point is – World Cup is over and we must work hard to forget it.

“Good habits are worth being fanatical about.”  ― John Irving

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

A New Uganda

When you study the history of Uganda as a country, you will come across a number of interesting changes and transformations that have occurred over the decades. At one point, Uganda as a country did not even exist. The land was occupied by disinterested natives who cared so little about foreigners and their motives no matter how ulterior. Migrations happened here and there, a couple of intermarriages occurred and the entire population became one big happy bowl of confusion. Over the years we have thrived in this confusion and we have embraced our identity as Ugandans. Certain values, norms and practices have become so deeply rooted that it would be unfair and unbecoming of us to attempt to change them.

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Just so we are clear, this is the sweatshirt I am wearing right now 

Recently I heard about a proposal to have the National Anthem changed or at least re-worked so that it can be groovier and less sombre. When I first heard of this idea, I almost chocked on the air I was breathing. It sounded extremely ridiculous, utterly nonsensical and basically a waste of time and money – to say the least. However, like the curious person I am, I attempted to understand why and how this national anthem revamp may be necessary and then it hit me – we could actually do with some changes. My mind went into overdrive and I instantly became burdened by so many different aspects of change that we as Ugandans should consider embracing.

I therefore come before you my dear friends, to share my plan for the new Uganda.

1. The National Anthem

Naturally, the person who thought of redoing the National Anthem was thinking further ahead than the rest of us. With the rate at which music is evolving today, it won’t be long before our Anthem is relegated to the likeness of church hymns – only known and sang by old people when the occasion absolutely demands it. I suggest that we get the young people in on the action. How about requesting one of (or all of) Mafikizolo, Nicki Minaj, Debanj, Keko, Wiz Khalifa, Avicii, May D, Benezeri, Lana Del Rey and Naava to come together for a monstrous remix. We can have a couple of raps in there, some smooth silky voiced bits, a few deadly instruments and a climax of a lethal beat to go with it. That way, we can start having our anthem at house parties and discos. We may even win a nomiation at the MTV Awards. Change the bloody thing already!

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Imagine Avicii playing our Anthem to a sold out crowd

2. National Language

Everyone knows Ugandans speak the best English. Some Ugandans speak English so well they could pass off as born and bred Englishmen. This however does not mean we cannot change our national language. As a matter of fact, let’s have the language changed from English to a more unique and strange language like the Ongota language. This language is so rare it is only spoken by 6 natives all of whom are in the evening of their lives. We can implore these people to teach us their rare language before they can pass on and then we can adopt this language right away. It would then be criminal for anyone to speak English, French, Swahili or anything that is not the Ongota language. Seeing as there is actually a professor at Addis Ababa University in Ethiopia who knows this language we can instantly get him citizenship, name him a hero, get him a couple of medals, build him a pad in Kololo and let him start work right away.

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Not any more!

3. National Food  

Being the heterogeneous society that we are, it does not make sense for us to adopt one particular tribe’s delicacy as the national dish. We can however whip up some delicious combination that has a bit of every tribe’s tastes in there. I have a friend named Sera Akely who is an accomplished Chef somewhere in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. We can hire her to travel our beautiful country picking ingredients from each and every tribe and then we can ask her to whip up the mother of all dishes. While she does this, we should start thinking about elevating things like the Rolex, Katogo and road side maize to national staple foods as well. This way, we shall have people from other countries picking up interest and probably visiting Uganda to be a part of the experience.

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A bit of this and a bit of that

 

4. National Rest Days

In most places around the world, Saturday and Sunday are considered weekends. By Monday morning, most people have to start picking up pieces, dusting themselves off and trying to make themselves useful once again. This sucks! We ought to stretch the weekend from Friday afternoon to Monday afternoon so that we have enough time to recuperate from the damage of the weekend. When we lounge from Friday afternoon all the way until Monday afternoon, we shall have enough time to relax and enjoy this changing culture that we are actually discussing. Any office or organisation that decides to make its employees work anytime between Friday afternoon and Monday afternoon shall then be fined heavily – to send a message to everyone.

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Pretty much the real deal

5. National Museum

We have an awesome national museum but we ought to do something about stocking it a little more. I see many people walk around with behaviour, clothing and attitudes that belong in the museum. Let’s throw some of these people into the museum. They can then be looked after in enclosed spaces as they attempt to tell their story to the world, the way Johnny Depp did in the movie Lone Ranger. We can have them looked after by stewards and Museum employees who will have the responsibility of making sure they are in top shape at all times. Also, we can have certain politicians and public figures join this lot as they seem to have been around since the days of the signing of the Buganda Agreement. These ones can tell stories from the past – first hand; without us having to Google anything or read books with distorted information.

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Imagine this belle narrating a story to you

6. National Fashion

A country is nothing without a constitution but it also nothing without fashion. We ought to have a specific fashion trend that everyone adopts right from birth. There should be less clothing for females and absolutely no pants or long skirts for females with nice legs. We can also have some tit-bits like more cleavage showing tops for women, all official clothing being made out of sisal, children wearing plastic shoes, banning of weaves entirely and ugly men covering all their body parts up except their nose and eyes. This would go a long way in creating a more defined identity for Uganda as a country that appreciates and honours fashion, style and design. It goes without saying therefore that we would need a Minister of Fashion Style and Design and they would need to go around sensitising people on how to get their children into the system.

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Imagine our female MPs walking into Parliament dressed like this. Awesome!

A few other recommended changes include having a National Car – the Vitz because it occupies very little space and can be abandoned anywhere in case of a traffic  jam, changing the rules for joining the national football team so that every player who joins the national team MUST score a goal within 6 months of joining the team or be jailed for life as well as creating a national wifi policy so that any restaurant, office, shopping mall, hotel or public place has free wifi or risks being shut down. These are just some of the changes that the folks in Parliament should consider discussing in addition to the changing of the National Anthem.

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Now Playing – Hugh Masekela’s Everything Must Change

I beg to move.

“The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die. As well the minds which are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be mind.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter