An August Proposal

A lot has been said about the August house; the Parliament of Uganda, over the past few days. In fact, even before this, many schools of thought advanced the allegation that the quality of the people and debate in the Ugandan Parliament has deteriorated over the years. For purposes of clarity and insight, last week, I took some time off to attend and keenly follow some of the sessions in the August House. While I must admit the sessions in the 9th Parliament are lacking in more ways than one, I must also add that there is plenty of potential in that place. You see, unlike other doomsday prophets and pessimists out there, I chose to focus on the positives in the Parliament. Seeing as there were few of those, I decided to think up ways in which we could make our Parliament better.

I therefore come before you my dear friends with a proposal for recommendations that we could adopt to make the August house more robust, more accountable and certainly more interesting.

Music Breaks

Research has shown that music has the capacity to improve brain activity, better understanding and generally lift moods. While it is admirable that MPs are keen to deliver legislation with utmost meticulousness, one must appreciate that without inspiration these attempts will always be futile. When you hear some MPs speak, you can literally feel the lack of inspiration and desire. I propose that the Speaker of Parliament orders a 10 Minute music break every after an hour. During this music break, MPs can either do Karaoke to refresh their brains or a DJ Mix can be thrown in to get the blood of the MPs flowing. With these music breaks, it is highly likely that fewer MPs will be missing out on sessions. And who knows, we might discover one or two musicians whose talents were hiding behind the title of MP.

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Parliament could give us a real superstar

Theme Days

Any and every workplace will thrive when the workers are happy. When you see some MPs take to the floor of parliament, you can read it in their faces that the suits they are wearing are nothing but a pain. Why should we force these Honourable MPs to feel uncomfortable while legislating? Let’s allow for theme days when they can alter their dress code. For instance we can have Short Skirt Tuesday, Old School Wednesday, No Panty Thursday and the good old Casual Friday. With these theme days you can be sure that Parliament will not only be more colourful but also more interesting. Some MPs have never worn suits their whole lives and the only time they wore suits was during the swearing in. Why should you force such MPs to suddenly wear suits every day? Allow them to stay in their comfort zones by permitting theme days.

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Just a thought

Arena Days

Every now and again you will hear certain MPs exchanging fierce words not just on the floor of parliament but even within the corridors and in the press. Why don’t we introduce Arena days where the floor is cleared of furniture and aggrieved MPs are given rudimentary weapons so they can have a go at each other in physical battles? We cannot escape from the fact that human beings are naturally inclined to not like those who disagree with them. Instead of going around spreading false and often malicious rumours about their colleagues, why don’t aggrieved MPs take it up with each other during the Arena Days? This would reduce politicking and it would help MPs stay in shape as each one will be hitting the gym in preparation for when another MP decides it is time to take things down with them in the Arena.

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The birth of the MPs fight club

Pop Quiz

Without necessarily naming names, it has become apparent that some MPs are as clueless about their duties as men are about the pain of childbirth. How about the Speaker of Parliament launching a periodical Pop Quiz where she asks random MPs questions about their own country. For instance, what colours are on the national flag or how many districts are in this sovereign country? You see, many MPs are busy clamouring for things left right and centre but forget simple facts about their country. Would it not help if they knew that anytime there could be a pop quiz? I am sure they would always be on their toes trying to read and stock up on much needed knowledge. The results of the periodical pop quiz can then be compiled to determine whether or not one gets allowances for the month.

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Anha!!

Punishments

In life, most of the mistakes we make are punishable by some kind of regret. While this is supposed to be the general rule, MPs seem to fall outside of this bracket. These guys make quite a number of mistakes but never really pay for them – instead it is the bulk of the population that pays for these mistakes. Well, I suggest that MPs begin to take blame and start getting punished for the mistakes they make. Using wrong English on the floor of parliament, lying to the electorate, making up excuses for shoddy work, failure to show up for sessions, noise making, going off-topic during discussions and having too many bank loans to one’s name are among the mistakes that would elicit punishments. The punishments can vary from withholding or docking one’s salary to a few days behind closed walls or in a prison cell.

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Occasionally we can have some whips here and there

Down Sizing

Finally and probably most importantly, we ought to reduce the size of the goddam Parliament! How the heck do we have 375 MPs all  seated under one roof, presumably discussing issues of national importance and we still expect results? The first Parliament (Legislative Council) of 1962 had just 92 members. How and why this number rocketed to 375 is something that baffles everyone – incuding the MPs themselves. It is a crowd in there! I pity speaker Rebecca Kadaga who somehow has to keep track of all these names. It is a miracle that she has not lost her mind yet. It is true that politics is a game of numbers and this is why each party wants to have as many MPs in parliament as possible. However, too much money is going into catering for these MPs. Also, discussions usually get swallowed up by irrelevant and often diversionary submissions simply because there is plenty of quantity and very little in terms of quality. Let’s have fewer MPs and then  money that is saved in the process can then be channelled to more constructive things like putting up a cinema hall in Parliament or setting up a swimming pool so that the few MPs who remain feel the respect, pomp and prestige that an MP ought to feel.

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We shall soon need the police for Crowd control in Parliament.

I beg to move.

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” —Will Rogers

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Post WC

For very many people, the past few weeks of World Cup euphoria have offered an experience that can best be described as memorable. Obviously it was not as memorable for the Brazilians, English or Spanish but overall, the World Cup served up some real excitement. In our own backyards, relationships were created, bets won, friendships terminated, allegiances shifted, breakups initiated and basically life lived to the fullest – all because of the football showpiece.

Now that the World Cup has ended, many people have been left confused, dazed and basically non compos mentis because of the absence of football action. Some are already starting to suffer from World Cup withdrawal symptoms seeing as they had gotten used to a Brazilian drubbing here, a Spanish annihilation there or an English humiliation the other side. There is simply no more World Cup and coming to grips with this realisation is going to be a challenge. The World Cup is like a sweet drug that people have gotten addicted to and now need ways to stay away from because the supplier just ran out of stock.

As a person who is an expert at addictions and keeping them in check (try to not think so much about that), I would like to offer a few remedies for all my friends as well as my enemies; the German fans. Here is how you can pre-occcupy yourself during this World Cup aftermath.

Watch plenty of TV

For most sane people, soaps, TV shows and TV series are generally a waste of time and a very effective way of keeping your mind stagnant. They do not add to one’s intellectual sharpness, acumen, wisdom or intuition and neither do they make one any more insightful. They however play a very crucial role in holding friendships together, helping people shave hours off their often boring lives and basically offer people topics of discussion during stale blind dates or during boring house parties. During this time when there is no football going on, give these TV series a shot. True, you may emerge dumber, less insightful and probably addicted to one or two TV shows but you will certainly have helped yourself get over the absence of football. I have to add that you must desist from watching any World Cup replays or you will have a seizure or some kind of delirium because your mind will suddenly demand for more football. Watch TV but stay away from Football.

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Make sure the volume is turned up so she doesn’t read anything

Medidate and do Yoga

Specialists at peace and tranquillity recommend meditation and yoga for people who would like to get their thoughts together. You will probably have a rough time trying to forget Mario Gotze’s heartbreaking screamer against Sergio Romero or Tim Cahill’s beauty against Netherlands but Yoga and meditation should just about do the trick. Instead of constantly replaying Lionel Messi’s 90th Minute winner against Iran, you can focus your mind on healthier things like doing Yoga. While doing group Yoga (preferably with females around) you can be sure that football will be the furthest thing on your mind as other softer and more delicious issues will take up that space in your mind ( No – I do not know this from experiencel; I am only working with assumptions). The meditation will help you look at your life more critically so as to identify the mistakes you have made and how you can make other mistakes while trying to correct previous ones.

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Go on and Challenge yourself

Plan for 2016

Every day that passes in Uganda brings us closer to 2016 – the year of reckoning. Whilst the rest of us were busy arguing bitterly during the World Cup, some visionaries were laying strategies for 2016. If you were lucky (or unlucky) to have watched the World Cup on UBC TV, you would have noticed a certain consistently loud message about the Kyankwanzi Resolution. I am yet to understand why and how such a video even runs on a National Broadcaster but that is besides the point. The video simply begs the question – if other people are getting ready for 2016, what are you doing? World Cup is over; start drawing up plans for your 2016 manifesto. Plan for how many bars of soap you will supply in your constituency and how many sacks of sugar you will need to get the local leadership on your side. Look at which banks have favourable loan deals to help you cover your campaings. You could also create a video that may or may not talk of you as a demi-god who everyone must vote if they want to stay alive and then you can have this video run on UBC Tv.

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Start planning your political career

Work on your relationships

It is highly likely that for many people, the World Cup dealt a huge blow to their relationships with friends, family and lovers. Now that it is all over, such people should now resort their energies to fixing those broken relationships. If you and your partner broke up or filed for a divorce on grounds that you two could not agree on whether Messi is better than Ronaldo, maybe it is about time you called a truce. Most footballers in the world are now on holiday – take a hint. Free your mind from the slavery of football and focus on making those around you happy. Get home in time to have dinner with your wife, make that phone call to the grandmother and pay a friend a visit. With the World Cup out of the way, you can now go forth and multiply because you now have the time for coitus. Don’t disappoint the missus by saying you are occupied. The most popular sporting event is over; make some time to engage in intimacy with your partner. It is the least you can do after ignoring them for the entire duration of the World Cup.

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People like Wenger are out there striking killer poses – join them!

Other things

There are about 92 other things you can engage in now that the World Cup is over. Some of those that I haven’t mentioned above include starting a cult, joining the army, becoming a musician, practicing for Big Brother Nominations and stalking an ex partner.

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 *Yawn* when does the season start again?

The point is – World Cup is over and we must work hard to forget it.

“Good habits are worth being fanatical about.”  ― John Irving

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

A New Uganda

When you study the history of Uganda as a country, you will come across a number of interesting changes and transformations that have occurred over the decades. At one point, Uganda as a country did not even exist. The land was occupied by disinterested natives who cared so little about foreigners and their motives no matter how ulterior. Migrations happened here and there, a couple of intermarriages occurred and the entire population became one big happy bowl of confusion. Over the years we have thrived in this confusion and we have embraced our identity as Ugandans. Certain values, norms and practices have become so deeply rooted that it would be unfair and unbecoming of us to attempt to change them.

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Just so we are clear, this is the sweatshirt I am wearing right now 

Recently I heard about a proposal to have the National Anthem changed or at least re-worked so that it can be groovier and less sombre. When I first heard of this idea, I almost chocked on the air I was breathing. It sounded extremely ridiculous, utterly nonsensical and basically a waste of time and money – to say the least. However, like the curious person I am, I attempted to understand why and how this national anthem revamp may be necessary and then it hit me – we could actually do with some changes. My mind went into overdrive and I instantly became burdened by so many different aspects of change that we as Ugandans should consider embracing.

I therefore come before you my dear friends, to share my plan for the new Uganda.

1. The National Anthem

Naturally, the person who thought of redoing the National Anthem was thinking further ahead than the rest of us. With the rate at which music is evolving today, it won’t be long before our Anthem is relegated to the likeness of church hymns – only known and sang by old people when the occasion absolutely demands it. I suggest that we get the young people in on the action. How about requesting one of (or all of) Mafikizolo, Nicki Minaj, Debanj, Keko, Wiz Khalifa, Avicii, May D, Benezeri, Lana Del Rey and Naava to come together for a monstrous remix. We can have a couple of raps in there, some smooth silky voiced bits, a few deadly instruments and a climax of a lethal beat to go with it. That way, we can start having our anthem at house parties and discos. We may even win a nomiation at the MTV Awards. Change the bloody thing already!

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Imagine Avicii playing our Anthem to a sold out crowd

2. National Language

Everyone knows Ugandans speak the best English. Some Ugandans speak English so well they could pass off as born and bred Englishmen. This however does not mean we cannot change our national language. As a matter of fact, let’s have the language changed from English to a more unique and strange language like the Ongota language. This language is so rare it is only spoken by 6 natives all of whom are in the evening of their lives. We can implore these people to teach us their rare language before they can pass on and then we can adopt this language right away. It would then be criminal for anyone to speak English, French, Swahili or anything that is not the Ongota language. Seeing as there is actually a professor at Addis Ababa University in Ethiopia who knows this language we can instantly get him citizenship, name him a hero, get him a couple of medals, build him a pad in Kololo and let him start work right away.

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Not any more!

3. National Food  

Being the heterogeneous society that we are, it does not make sense for us to adopt one particular tribe’s delicacy as the national dish. We can however whip up some delicious combination that has a bit of every tribe’s tastes in there. I have a friend named Sera Akely who is an accomplished Chef somewhere in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. We can hire her to travel our beautiful country picking ingredients from each and every tribe and then we can ask her to whip up the mother of all dishes. While she does this, we should start thinking about elevating things like the Rolex, Katogo and road side maize to national staple foods as well. This way, we shall have people from other countries picking up interest and probably visiting Uganda to be a part of the experience.

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A bit of this and a bit of that

 

4. National Rest Days

In most places around the world, Saturday and Sunday are considered weekends. By Monday morning, most people have to start picking up pieces, dusting themselves off and trying to make themselves useful once again. This sucks! We ought to stretch the weekend from Friday afternoon to Monday afternoon so that we have enough time to recuperate from the damage of the weekend. When we lounge from Friday afternoon all the way until Monday afternoon, we shall have enough time to relax and enjoy this changing culture that we are actually discussing. Any office or organisation that decides to make its employees work anytime between Friday afternoon and Monday afternoon shall then be fined heavily – to send a message to everyone.

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Pretty much the real deal

5. National Museum

We have an awesome national museum but we ought to do something about stocking it a little more. I see many people walk around with behaviour, clothing and attitudes that belong in the museum. Let’s throw some of these people into the museum. They can then be looked after in enclosed spaces as they attempt to tell their story to the world, the way Johnny Depp did in the movie Lone Ranger. We can have them looked after by stewards and Museum employees who will have the responsibility of making sure they are in top shape at all times. Also, we can have certain politicians and public figures join this lot as they seem to have been around since the days of the signing of the Buganda Agreement. These ones can tell stories from the past – first hand; without us having to Google anything or read books with distorted information.

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Imagine this belle narrating a story to you

6. National Fashion

A country is nothing without a constitution but it also nothing without fashion. We ought to have a specific fashion trend that everyone adopts right from birth. There should be less clothing for females and absolutely no pants or long skirts for females with nice legs. We can also have some tit-bits like more cleavage showing tops for women, all official clothing being made out of sisal, children wearing plastic shoes, banning of weaves entirely and ugly men covering all their body parts up except their nose and eyes. This would go a long way in creating a more defined identity for Uganda as a country that appreciates and honours fashion, style and design. It goes without saying therefore that we would need a Minister of Fashion Style and Design and they would need to go around sensitising people on how to get their children into the system.

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Imagine our female MPs walking into Parliament dressed like this. Awesome!

A few other recommended changes include having a National Car – the Vitz because it occupies very little space and can be abandoned anywhere in case of a traffic  jam, changing the rules for joining the national football team so that every player who joins the national team MUST score a goal within 6 months of joining the team or be jailed for life as well as creating a national wifi policy so that any restaurant, office, shopping mall, hotel or public place has free wifi or risks being shut down. These are just some of the changes that the folks in Parliament should consider discussing in addition to the changing of the National Anthem.

hugh-masekela

Now Playing – Hugh Masekela’s Everything Must Change

I beg to move.

“The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die. As well the minds which are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be mind.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Action O’clock

Recent statistics scream rather loudly that young people are the greatest percentage of Uganda’s population. With well over 78% of the population under thirty years of age, it is safe to say that Uganda is a country that belongs to the young folks. Naturally this statement scares many people because let’s face it – many young people are more destructive and empty headed than we care to admit. There are many insightful and thoughtful young people out there but equally, the brainless ones among us are not hard to spot. On any given day, you will find these young people engaged in a heated argument over whether Kendrick Lamar is a better rapper than Common or whether Robin Van Persie moved from Arsenal to Manchester United just for the money. Personally I think Common is a legend and Yes – RVP moved to Man United for the money (and trophies); however, these are not arguments that ought to define anyone’s life or be the pivot of anyone’s life. The young people have been taken up by issues that should otherwise be relegated to the back.

Arguing

We spend more time arguning about non-issues

Is the situation really that bad?

To be honest, the situation is not that bad. I just thought I’d take a dig at the young people and anger a few people along the way. There are very many young people who are under thirty but are more mentally mature than most physically senile folks. Young people (both insightful and brainless) are quite many and they have a lot of power in their grasp. Whether or not they are using this power for their (and their country’s) good is a different issue altogether. One thing is for sure though – if anything good is to come of this country and generation, the young people have to play a dominant role.

Impacting on Society 

Most people imagine that success in this life is all about studying hard, graduating with honors, getting a fairly decent job, marrying a not-so-ugly person and bearing not-so-many children. By the time such people see out their last days, they are remembered by a few close friends, a few family members and their ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends. Outside of that, their memories usually disappear into oblivion and they probably end up going to the most boring parts of heaven (or hell). On the other hand, with all the power that the young people possess, they can transform not just their lives but the lives of those around them and thus make an impact on society.

So one should join politics, right?

Hell No! There is a general misconception that many young people today seem to have about their role in transforming society. Many of us think that unless one joins political circles one cannot positively impact society. Politicians are very powerful people and they are the reason many decisions are shoved down our throats every now and again. However, man does not only live on the lies of a politician but also on the positive impact created by non-politicians. If anything, the the non-political transformation of society is bound to solve many problems including some of the political ones. I know a number of young people who have been a great part of transforming society without having to engage in political activities. Personally I am not a fan of politics. I may engage in an argument here or a debate there but you would definitely lose a bet if you thought I’d take part in active politics.

Plan of Action

For starters, the young people ought to use the time we have to equip ourselves with information, skills, knowledge and understanding. We should learn where we come from, understand where we are, and attempt to map out a plan for where we want to be as individuals and as a country. Since the young people are the greatest part of this population, one can assert with fair certainty that any movement in the right direction for this country must be engineered by the young people. We ought to harness the power and resources we have to become better people and to improve our societies and our country in general.

It is now a common song that Government does not offer this or does not offer that. While there may be truth in this, it does not make sense for the young people to expect heaven on earth from the government. If our beloved government is not forthcoming with just the bare minimum of earth on earth, why should we expect heaven? We need to get off our complaining butts and start creating transformation by being the change we would like to see in our society. We should share our ideas with the older people – their counsel is priceless. We should also brainstorm our ingenuity with fellow young people – they may help us polish up on our ideas to make them have more transformation. Finally, we need to equip ourselves with information and understanding and above all – we need to start acting now!

Wakey Wakey!! 

At the recently concluded CSO Fair (Civil Society Organization Fair), it became apparent from the different sessions that Ugandans actually know what to do to make their country better. The problem is that we are intent and focused on blaming the Government so much that we forget our role as citizens and Young People in particular. True – the government deserves the occasional insulting and abuse for a job poorly done. However, if we are going to spend most of our time shouting at the Government, we are going to lose our voices and as a result fail to answer the question – What have we done for our country? Stop blaming the Government and start acting now.

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We’ve done enough sleeping

Croak and Rhyme

A couple of Youths under the umbrella of ’40 Days Over 40 Smiles Foundation’ have decided to take matters into their own hands and avail themselves as advocates for societal change. Knowing well that for one to attain a good education, one needs a fairly substantial bank balance, these guys have set out to be the stepping stone for some less privileged children  to get better education. After helping Happy Times School in Luwero build a dormitory that now houses over 213 children, these youths have set out to help Agape Children’s Home in Kibuli improve their education. To be able to collect the money for the project, a fun event called Croak and Rhyme has been planned for July 4th at the Uganda Museum. At this event, a host of artists will be performing all in the name of charity. Entrance has been set at Shs. 10,000 and the show is set to begin at 6:00 pm. Needless to add, when one attends the event, they will have fun, drink something, eat something, listen to something and help chip into the basket that will go a long way in improving education for Agape Children’s Home. Anyone and everyone who reads this should therefore mark their calendar and show up at the Museum, if not for charity then probably just to see performances by a host of talented artists. If you are still wondering how and when to be a part of societal change, wonder no more because it is Action O’clock!

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Mark your calenders!

spacer“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Superhumanity

For the average and somewhat normal human being, the body demands a reboot or total shut down at night or when it gets dark outside. For such a person, night time is reserved for loud snoring, uncontrollable farting, animal-like sleep positions and sleep talking among other things.  Occasionally there will be some coitus here, some partying there and a few other random things done at night. On a whole however, their body is programmed to say NO to any brain or body activity scheduled for night time. For purposes of this Blog, we shall refer to this person as a puny human.

Snore

No doubt! 

There are also a bunch of individuals who can best be described as out-of-this-world because their bodies seem to defy every rule in the book. They often sleep far less than their puny counterparts and yet they somewhat manage to deliver 150% results. According to research experts (who may or may not be existent), such people are half mortal and half immortal. For purposes of this blog, we shall refer to them as superhumans.

Genesis

In 2009 when I first applied for a job at a radio station, it was apparent that I knew what I wanted to be – a radio presenter. I knew deep down that my dream in life was to get on radio and speak rubbish to unsuspecting and often disinterested listeners who would eventually get bored and flip to another station. The only condition I was given at the time when I applied for the job was that I work at night, and not just at night but late in the night. I had to do a radio show starting Midnight – when most humans are dead asleep and ending at 3am when the only people awake are ghosts, witches, wizards, drunken people and left over prostitutes. As much as it seemed like a strange deal, I took it anyway. Today, I secretly high-five myself for accepting the job offer. Turns out I am more of a superhuman than I had expected I would be.

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Ever since I was little I wanted to be a superhuman

Team Insomnia Superhumans

If you have been on social media in Uganda for the past few years, you will have noticed a crop of individuals who always pop up at strange hours. For those who have no idea, there is a special fraternity of these people and as much as they have day-jobs like all other puny humans, they go a step further and make themselves useful even at night. They often engage in intellectual discussions about Government Policy, Social Trends, Economic topics, the World Cup, the Katikiro’s Tofali Project and Migingo among other things; they discuss everything. Most of them work during the day but reserve a chunk of their energy for these discussions late in the night when little children have gone to bed and the atmosphere is not polluted with teenage sweat, wannabe experts and weaver birds.

Insomnia

Not for the faint hearted 

The issue of Sleep

First of all, sleep is overrated. That’s right! Sleep is for weak humans. True, the body needs moments of rest and recess, however if it gets accustomed to rest and relaxation, there is a high chance it will stubbornly refuse to make itself useful when the appropriate time comes. Do you wonder why people complain whenever they are waking up early in the morning? Well, now you know why. You have been sleeping too much your body does not know what else to do other than complain when you try to wake it up.

Typical

Typical routine of a puny Human 

The Power nap

Some folks might be wondering how superhumans are able to be up in the wee hours, disappear momentarily and then come back sooner than anticipated. You see, there is this thing called the power nap. A power nap is the kind of sleep that stops just before the Slow-wave sleep kicks in. The Slow wave Sleep is what is referred to as deep sleep. The power nap usually revitalizes, refreshes and reboots the system so it can operate as though it had a full system shut down and restart. It can last even as short as 30 minutes but can be more effective than 8 hours of sleep. Mastering the art of power naps is something that would take a puny human an entire lifetime but once they got it, there would be no stopping them from taking over the world.

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A Power nap can be taken anywhere

Endless Benefits

When you stay up at night as opposed to the day, there is less traffic on the roads, less noise so you can concentrate better and the mother of all benefits – internet is super fast. You can also be sure that at night you will watch an entire episode of Game of Thrones without rude interruptions from phone calls, text messages or endless whatsapp messages. At night, you can plan your work and execute it with the least amount of procrastination hanging over your head. Things actually get done at night. There is also the advantage that when you are up at night you are able to communicate with people from outside countries in real time as opposed to finding missed calls from Australia, USA and Switzerland.

Occasional Backsliding

It is true that every once in a while, superhumans get in touch with their mortal sides. A superhuman will set aside an entire 12 or 15 hours to engage in that activity that puny humans love to engage in – deep sleep. Usually, during this period, the superhuman will shut down all systems, gadgets and processes so much that an earthquake of massive magnitude would occur but the superhuman would not be moved. This often happens once a week and it is probably the only way a superhuman will remain in touch with their mortal side.

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When the sleep kicks in, you can not fight it

Warning and Disclaimer!

Unless you have consulted with a qualified medical practitioner or an accomplished superhuman, you are discouraged from attempting to cross over from the puny side of life to the superhuman side. Your body is not built for it. Some people are naturally built with extra puniness so much that they cannot keep their eyes open past a certain time and neither can they shut their eyes before a certain time. Such robots must desist from engaging in attempts to become superhumans lest they malfunction and rust. Also, receptionists, students, newlyweds, lawyers and secretaries are discouraged from attempting to become superhumans lest they lose their jobs to other puny humans who are willing to follow the ordinary routine of staying awake during the day.

Yeah

Story of my life

“If a composer suffers from loss of sleep and his sleeplessness induces him to turn out masterpieces, what a profitable loss it is!” ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Night Flight

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Hey Kataha

Greetings Fair Maiden,

N’ogambaki iwe Kataha? Konka how have you been lately? It has been a while since I (we) heard from you. I am confident though that it is probably because of the work load that you have. Being the Minister for Karamoja Affairs and being the MP for Ruhaama County are no easy tasks. It goes without saying that adding the title of First Lady, Husband, Mother and Fashion Icon to your long list of duties makes it even tougher for you. Well done! I was in Ntungamo recently but didn’t quite see you – I think you had flown to Karamoja or Rwakitura or was it Israel? I can’t remember. But I missed you. By now, you must be wondering what the purpose of this letter to you is. For starters, worry not – everything is okay at my end. This is not an automated letter sent after my death. Most is well at my end; my employer pays on time, I am in good books with my landlord and God is blessing me with more oxygen than I can finish. Still no girlfriend but I’ve sent a few application letters out – I await response. Therefore I am fairly okay. I’m writing this letter just to check on you – you know, like a good old friend. Like I said earlier, you have been somewhat quiet lately and it got me wondering if all was well at your end. So I suggest that you relax, probably grab a soft drink and smile as you read along.

Relax_at_the_beach

Get onto one of these and enjoy reading your letter

This morning I read an interesting letter from you in the New Vision, something about you not looking for a job but only being interested in serving Ugandans. Before I can even go into the details of the nobility in your intentions, I must admit that I am very impressed by your command of the English Language. Are you sure you have no relatives from England? Eh. The Queen herself would probably smile if she read your piece. Your lungereza is impressive. In your piece in the New Vision, you were telling Ugandans that you are more interested in serving them as opposed to looking for a job. Wow! How do you do that? The vast majority of Ugandans are interested in looking for a job and putting food on the table but there you are, interested in just serving – teach me how you do that! Oh and the bit about you possibly turning down an offer from Amama Mbabazi for a ministerial position? That is some nobility right there. Personally I would probably fall for the bait and sell my friends and family while at it; but not you. Once again, well done. Tell me something madam Kainembabazi how is your fashion style these days? Munaye you used to be an inspiration to females in this country in terms of fashion. You were a stylish dresser, your hair was angelic, your colours matched, you smelled like heaven and your poise was simply unmatched. Not that much has changed but hey, do you think you can make a come-back of sorts? If you have to attack the beach with a Bikini every once in a while, so be it. And this business of wearing long skirts that nearly sweep the floor, what’s that all about? I am sure if you looked at your calendar you would realize that it is 2014 and not 1973. Forget about the mini skirt law – we forgot that one almost as soon as we started talking about it. Get in on the action ma’am. Have you seen how flashy Michelle Obama looks in those bu short skirts? Goodness! I know you are 15 years her senior but hey, you know what they say about age – it is just a number; one you can tweak with as and when they please depending on the needs and demands. kataha

How about less robes and more short skirts?

So my friend Janet, how are the kids? Boy do they grow up so fast! Just yesterday Muhoozi was a little boy suckling his thumb and running around the compound soiling his pants but look now – the guy is a big man in the army. M7 with Muhoozi as baby Moshi Tanzania 1976

Look at your two boys back in Moshi. Seems like just yesterday!

And then Patience, Diana and Natasha? Are they still as beautiful as they were several years ago when they were all over the papers with their weddings and babies and the like? You and I both know you are the reason for their beauty – well done.

-First_Lady_Janet_Museveni_with_her_daughters_and_Don_Moen_at_Kampala_Serena_Hotel_on_Sunday_356202407

Is that Don Moen squeezing in for a pic with you and your girls?

Are you watching the World Cup Janet? The 2014 edition is pretty interesting you know. We’ve been served up with some real mouthwatering clashes so far. What team are you supporting? Nze mpagira Argentina. Last night we even won our opening game – great start, right? Oh and the NBA Finals ended this morning – as I had anticipated, the San Antonio Spurs won the Title. Awesomeness just! Wait, am I bothering you about sports you have no interest in? Apologies.

Let’s talk about the budget then. Did you hear the budget that your colleague Madam Kiwanuka read? Good Lawd! I always knew that she had a pair of golden ones down under but this time round she out-did herself. She is the definition of bravery and hard headedness. Even with the tough times squeezing us she never runs out of ways to squeeze us further. I am not sure how you plan to save money but back here at my household, we are timetabling the use of sugar and paraffin. We shall also be walking for long distances to save up on transport because I heard that fuel prices are going to go up. That said, I must say I was shocked that there was no mention of alcohol or cigarettes. Quick question – do you smoke? Probably not. How could you – with such a fine set of teeth. I don’t smoke either but many of my friends are chimneys. Forget them though, let’s talk about 2016.

I heard that your sweetheart is planning to stand for re-election in 2016, how true is that? Please thank him for sponsoring the World Cup on UBC TV. The Kenyan president might have flown the Harambe Stars to Brazil to watch the World Cup but what use is that if we can have everything right here on our TVs? Kudos to your husband. m7-and-wife

What an awesome couple you two make!

Speaking of your husband, I know you two don’t keep secrets from each other but did he tell you that he joined Twitter? Oh yeah! His account even got verified and is now getting in Followers like a problem – the guy really has a vision. Give him a high five when you have the chance. And while you are at it, borrow his phone, take a selfie, open a Twitter account, follow me and we can continue this conversation via DM.

In the meantime, please enjoy these few dedications I picked out for you.

Dedications

Namagembe – Maddox
Can’t Remember To Forget you – Shakira and Rihanna
You’re still the one – Shania Twain
Loyal (explicit Version) – Chris Brown, Lil Wayne and Tiga
Sitya Loss – Eddy Kenzo
Moves like Jagger – Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera
Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen
Gyal Sidung – Konshens and Darrio

Yours Sincerely

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Heroism

Around this time every year, Ugandans are treated to what many like to call a public holiday. It is a public holiday because most people do not go to work and those who go to work have the luxury of working half day or wearing shorts to the office. They can even gossip all day at the office because the boss will probably be somewhere attending a Government occasion. Also, on this day, one can be sure that bars and hang out joints will be packed – not because people really have much to celebrate but because we are Ugandans – we are not going to let a public holiday pass us by un-celebrated.

celebration1

A Public holiday in Uganda means one thing … 

According to the Ugandan Calendar, 9th June is a day that marks Heroes Day – a day whose purpose seems to be an issue of discussion and contention. Some people feel like on this day we ought to remember our fallen soldiers and comrades from the various fields of life including health, education, civil service, governance, finance and so on and so forth. Others feel like this is when the president must remind us about the sacrifices he made along with his twenty-something associates. Some others feel like this is the day when the opposition can become relevant by ridiculing every name the president forwards as a chosen hero. Let’s just say that this is a day that garners quite a lot of debate.

heros-day-2010ff

*cough cough*

Whatever reason one has to celebrate (or utterly ignore) this day, it is safe to say that the calendar does not mark it in red ink for nothing. I therefore took some time to look around me and come up with a formidable list of people I think deserve the title of hero. They may not have wings, status, recognition or money but they sure deserve to be on my list of heroes. And yes – the list is actually endless but I decided to pick 3 special individuals to give a round of applause.

Teachers

For reasons that should be obvious but somehow seem unclear, teachers make it to this list without question. When I look back at my days in school, it is with fondness that I recall Auntie Jolding in my Kindergatten School at Makerere, Mr. Sengendo at Bat Valley Primary School, Mr. Kateregga at Jinja College as well as Mr. Onyango at Gombe S.S. I have been molded by these and other former teachers into the sane and thoughtful person that I am. If I display any kind of madness, confusion or craziness, it is only because of my own personal failures and stubbornness. These people may have thrashed me more times than I can remember, they may have made me want to spill hot boiling water on their chests because of setting abnormally hard exams but I am thankful that they made me who I am today. Any good attributes that I have, I owe to my teachers. There is no doubt that they will forever be heroes in my life.

my_teacher_my_heroTrue Story!

Musisi – Not the one of KCCA

When I mention the name Musisi, it is likely a number of eyebrows will be raised. Many will raise their eyebrows because they think I am starting up some Lukwago vs Musisi bout – far from it. The Musisi I am referring to here is my boda boda guy. This guy makes it to this list despite the fact that it is likely he will not even read this blog. I add him to this list because he has been my savior more times than I can remember. On a number of occasions Musisi has picked me from strange places and dropped me off at strange places without even batting an eyelid. This guy never asks me for money when he drops me because he knows that if I have it, he does not need to ask for it. I pay him what I think he deserves which is hard because most times I end up giving him more than I would give anyone else. When I am lazing around at my muzigo and I have a few errands to run, Musisi is the guy I call upon. I don’t care that he knows close to nothing about policy making or governance. He was certainly not among the NRM liberators, neither is he on any list of national heroes – this guy is still my hero.

Mr. and Mrs. Olupot

As cliché as this may sound, my parents are the most awesome people in the world and for this, they are on this list. Being the awesome person that I am (everyone deserves a moment of vanity), it is quite easy for me to recognize awesomeness. If my parents were total strangers to me, I’d probably still want to associate with them somehow. You see, my dad is one of the most resolute and strict individuals I have ever met. He is a no-nonsense dad who will stop at nothing to make sure his children get what they need. He has on numerous occasions sacrificed several personal pleasures just so his family can have a better life. My mother on the other hands is the calmest, most level headed and most compassionate person I know – after Jesus Christ, who I have never met but somehow I believe exists. This woman has been and still is the pillar and glue of the entire family. How she does this with a bunch of stubborn, no-good, noisy and unstable kids tagging at her all the time, I have no idea. I have been far from a model son and I have disappointed them a number of times but how they always receive me with open arms still baffles me. I fear one day they might run out of patience and probably sell me off to travelers from the East. So far though, they boldly claim me as theirs and I do the same – I gladly claim them as mine. They are my heroes.

Parents

L-R – The Awesome one, the Mother, the father, the Brother

Usually when writing down a list of heroes, it almost comes naturally that the list is endless and yes – mine is endless too. I’ve got my siblings on it because, well, they seem to know how to make me smile. My team mates at 40 Days Over 40 Smiles Foundation are heroes because, well, according to Fred Rogers, anyone who does anything to help a child in his life is a hero. I’ve got 1 or 2 colleagues because they are not just colleagues but really good friends and of course I have a bunch of friends. If I started mentioning names, I would probably receive hate mail, death threats and nasty text messages because I just cannot name all my friends. However, all the friends I have met over the years (even those who owe me and who I owe), I treasure and value as real heroes. They have taught me lessons about how to avoid going behind bars, how to survive on the littlest amount of money, how to get over heartbreak, how to survive this harsh economy and basically how to stay alive. It goes without saying that anyone who reads this blog is a hero. Sparing your data and time to read over 1000 words is no simple task. You are all heroes!

yOU

You are my Hero!

Happy Heroes Day everyone!

“My own heroes are the dreamers, those men and women who tried to make the world a better place than when they found it, whether in small ways or great ones. Some succeeded, some failed, most had mixed results… but it is the effort that’s heroic, as I see it. Win or lose, I admire those who fight the good fight.”  ― George R.R. Martin

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter