Secret Guardians

Every human being on this planet has got a bunch of secrets that they would rather go to the grave with. Some have secrets that would rock the world to its very core while others have less interesting secrets that would probably get nothing more than a sigh. At the end of the day, everyone has got little skeletons hidden in a closet, hoping they will not peek or ask for liberation and freedom.

We-All-Have-Secrets

It’s no secret, we all have secrets

While on the subject of secrets, it is generally the rule that while everyone has secrets, there are a few who are maestros at the secrets game. They have curved out personalitites and even careers as experts at the secrets trade. Some have all sorts of secrets thrusted at them with or without their consent. Others position themselves to be able to listen to all kinds of secrets while some others simple enjoy the business of secrets. I know a few of these individuals and I shall attempt to identify a few of the experts at the secrets game.

Presenting, secret guardians;

Mothers

It has always been said that no one knows more secrets of children than mothers do. Mothers know tiny little dark secrets of their children so much that they can black mail anyone at anytime if they wanted to. Mothers know all about the time you pooped in your pants at the family gathering. They know about that time you got beaten up at school by a little disabled girl who everyone used to ridicule and bully. They know about the time you accidentally took a sip of your father’s alcohol and ended up speaking gibberish. They know how as a young boy Pink was your favourite colour and you loved playing with little dolls and eating ice cream. Mothers know so many things it is dangerous to want to be on their bad side. They know whether or not your current dad is even your real dad. These blessed people know just too much.

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Oh the serets mothers know!

Catholic Priests

For obvious reasons, catholic priests are included on this list. These guys know quite a lot of nasty things about their flock. From what I gather, every catholic is supposed to share their deepest dark secrets with a catholic father prior to receiving forgiveness from God. The whole truth-telling takes place in a tiny little place where the sinner is not exactly in position to see the face of the priest (probably so that he does not see the priest’s facial expression as he supresses shock and disappointment at the son or daughter of the Lord). It has been said over and over again that while Catholic Priests listen in to some of the sickest and nastiest confessions, they are also the most trustworthy people because apparently they would rather be stoned to death than reveal the confessions of a hitherto sinful catholic. This only goes to show that they actually do know quite a bunch of terrible secrets.

PRITXT

Telling it all

Google 

From the time the Internet went live, a lot of information has been shared around the world.  A good chunk of this information has been searched for on various platforms but Google is the number one search engine by far. Pay a random visit to any Computer that is connected to the internet and pull up the Google search History; trouble!. Some of the things human beings search for are really embarassing. We have outdone ourselves in this department so much that I am sure if Google were a person, he/she would literally be crawling on their knees begging for mercy from anyone typing into Google. We are just too brutal! We Google anything and everything from “How to Kill Chuck Norris In Real Life” to things like “What is a Boyfriend and where can I download one”. We are simply dangerous when it comes to searching for things on Google. Gone are the days when all we did was search for “Jennifer Lopez Naked”, “Translate to Nigerian English” or “Kim K sex tape”. Nowadays we search for things like “I hate when Jesus Rides Dinosaurs in My House”, “Am I the Only one who eats my poop because it tastes like lemon”, “How to have sex while dozing” and my personal favourite, “How do I use Google” We elevate the searching game every other day.

ZachZach speaks the truth 

God

It goes without saying that God knows quite a lot about us. Many a time, when we are in trouble we pray to him and explain that we did not intend to throw the body into the river but we were just scared after the hit and run. We also tell God to help us execute that robbery so that we do not get interrupeted. God is the one person who listens to our secrets and somehow seems not to judge. If the concept of the Holy Trinity is true, we can all agree that the Father, Son and Holy Spirit must be cracking up whenever we offer up our prayers. Many of our prayers are really hilarious and often border on ridiculous but the Holy Trinity never answers back with laughter. God listens to all our secrets and even before we can begin to reveal anything, the big guy seems to know already. Is he not the all-knowing one? Well, he knows everything we do and from what I gather, he knows it even before we do it. Yikes!

Jesus

God is on a major LOL right about now

The Government 

Few people will believe this but the Government knows quite a lot of things about us. The Government knows almost everything about us. It knows when you are born and when you die. It tracks you all through your education until the time you decide to self jail yourself with marriage. It knows everything! There is an international wave to kind of reduce the involvement of the Governent in personal lives but I am sure that will come to nothing because the Government is the eyes and ears of the Universe. The Government is the Universe’s way of listening to our coversations and following up on us every inch of the way. Right from the time you are born, you begin to give the Government your time, resources, body, soul and spirit. The day you die, the Government returns these things to the universe – intact with all your secrets. The Government usually lies to us by telling us we have freedoms and liberties but really the truth is these liberties and freedoms are simply what the Government says they are.

ScreqThe Government knows EVERYTHING!

“A secret’s worth depends on the people from whom it must be kept.” ― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind 

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

The Single Case

One of the reasons why human beings were placed on this earth (at least according to Christian Teaching) is so we (they) can multiply and fill the world. This essentially means that every human being has a role to play in the multiplication process. Prior to this multiplication process, there is meant to be some kind of mixing and matching that each person must go through to identify the person with whom they can easily, safely and successfully multiply.

There are those who take the multiplication a little too seriously and end up creating mini-armies of offspring bearing similar names and proudly calling one gentleman daddy. Then there are those who are somewhat constrained because of what Scientists call barrenness, infertility and sterility.

Generally speaking though, one can rightly assume that everyone must have someone who was created for them to multiply with. This then begets the question – why are some people still single?

As you think about the possibilities, allow me offer a few plausible reasons why this is the case.

The Universe is still watching you

If you are of age but are still single, it is possible that the Universe is still assessing what might occur if someone of the opposite sex were thrown at you as a life-long partner. And so it shall present you with people who you may end up dating but still break up with. This is all a test and once the universe ascertains that you are ready for a partner then you, my single friend, shall have a partner. It is also likely the universe does not trust you around any person of the opposite sex. To protect the human race, the universe must pull some strange moves like deny some people partners because they would otherwise set the human race several steps back if they got hooked. This may seem negative but here is the silver lining – the universe probably understands your expensive and unique taste and therefore is taking a while to find you the perfect match. People who find their match right away can be said to have cheap taste that can be figured out quickly. You are different. Wear that badge of honour with pride and glee.

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YAY!!! I am single!

You’re too cool for the opposite sex

I know what everyone must be wondering at this moment. How does one become too cool for the opposite sex? I too have no idea. I just know that there are people who have chosen the single path because they feel like no one can handle their awesomeness. They may occasionally be seen in the company of people of the opposite sex but they will generally not want to be tied down by relationships, dating or marriage for that matter. Such people choose to remain single because they love their space, freedom and above all they don’t want anyone to tell them how they should leave their toiled seat. There are moments when they too get lonely and begin to scroll down their phoneboooks in search of a quick fix but this only happens on a few occasions and even then, they are usually half drunk and unaware of what they are doing. Such people will mostly be seen throwing sexist remarks around and acting like the opposite sex is nothing but a rag with which to mop the world. If you are one of such people then you can safely stay in your corner and wait to explain to the Universe why you have chosen to be cooler than everyone else.

You gat this

You feel like you gat this!

You lack the basic skills and qualities

This is probably the most brutal of reasons why single people still exist but is probably the most valid reason there is. You see, each human being has a set of skills that should help them survive in this world. Some however lack the set of skills to help them jump out of the singles’ zone. It is said that if you want people of the opposite sex to notice you and consider dating you the first thing you should do is put yourself out there. Well, I know people who have spent a fair share of their lives hanging themselves out for whoever cares to see but somehow no one has taken the bait. Now before one starts dismissing my allegation that they lack the skills and qualities, allow me forward an argument. Have you ever met good looking people who have everything going for them; except a good relationship? Well, I know many such people. As harsh as it may seem, I have come to the conclusion that such people lack the skills to help them find partners. No one wants an incompetent multiplication partner so it would be nice if you polished up on your skills as you attempt to find that partner. Read a few books here and there, talk to people back and forth and generally stop locking yourself up at home to play video games all weekend. Get out of the house!

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Get out there and let them see you

Disclaimer

I am very confident that a number of single people are going to start hurling stones at me and calling me all sorts of names because I am making it seem like being single is a crime. Listen, being single is no crime. In fact, if you can, boast about it. Let the world see that no one is good enough for you yet and you are weighing your options and waiting for the Universe to throw a suitable partner your way. Go ahead and change your bio to ‘Too Cool for All of You’. While you are at it, wear your singlehood like a badge of honour. I say this because when the time comes for you to give up this badge of honour because you suddenly have to start sharing a bed with another human being every day of your life, then you will realize that being single wasn’t a very bad thing after all. When the time comes for you to quarrel over the toilet seat, the colour of curtains, the type of house and the name of your offspring then you will appreciate the Universe’s delay in finding you a partner.

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For now, sit back, relax and enjoy the single ride. After all, you are alone – there is no one to complain about the speed limit. Have a blast.

“I’m single because I was born that way.” ― Mae West

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Proudly Ugandan

The English dictionary describes the word Pride as “a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction …” of course it goes on to add something about how this pleasure or satisfaction is derived but right now, I am interested in the pleasure and satisfaction bit. There are very many things in this world that give me pleasure and satisfaction. Some of these aren’t exactly the kind I am keen to share with the rest of the world but I quietly grin within myself with untold gratification.

Evil

Oh but some of the things that make me proud …. mehn!

Similarly, there are many (widely accepted) things that make me proud and give me deep pleasure and extreme satisfaction. Some of them include supporting Manchester United, SC Villa and Uganda Cranes, seeing a close friend get married or succeed in getting his wife knocked up, bumping into an old friend who still remembers my name, being a first born son to my parents and helping a little child do their homework. These are some of the little things that warm my heart and give me reason to feel proud.

The one thing that tops the list and probably makes me soak up with tears of pride is the fact that I am Ugandan. Yes – I love this country to the depth of my existence. Someone reading this will probably imagine that I have a relative in a top government position therefore I have every (financial and social) reason to be a proud Ugandan but far from it; I am one of the lesser known citizens with little or no connection to the nobles of this country. However, the pride that I carry within me is the kind that cannot be questioned, doubted or second guessed.

Uganda

Straight Up! 

I shall be so kind as to share my reasons for this pride.

I have little choice in the matter

The truth of the matter is that I am a proud Ugandan partly because I was born here and really there is not much I can do to change that fact. It is very likely that if I had been born in Myanmar, Congo, Japan or Zimbabwe I’d still be a proud citizen of that country. Before anyone can start to call me fickle in my allegiance to Uganda, I have to add that now that my mind is open and I can make a choice to revoke my Ugandan Citizenship and adopt citizenship elsewhere, I have chosen to remain Ugandan. That should say something about my allegiance and pride despite my loud and clear assertion that I had little choice in the matter. I was born here without my consent but if I could change anything about my birth, I would probably just change the colour of sheets that were on the bed when I was born. NO; I will not tell you what colour the sheets were!

Boy Looking Down

Little Children really have limited choices

Have you heard Ugandans Speak?

I am a person who is keen and appreciative of phonetics, accents and articulation, and I can confidently say that Uganda is the one place where perfect speech is born, cultivated and harvested. No matter the language, Ugandans will never fail to impress when it comes to breaking it down through speech. Listen to two Iteso exchange sweet nothings and you will hear what I am talking about. Drop in on two Batoro share a rough joke about their Muganda neighbour and you will see things from my point of view. Eavesdrop on an Acholi man telling off his stubborn daughters and you will share this sentiment that I speak of. Go on; listen to Ugandans speak and you will be blown away. These people have the most eargasmic speech patterns in the whole world. Forget that Xhosa Clicking or the Nigerian accentuation. Forget the American nose speech or the Chinese Mandarin flow. Right here in Uganda is where perfect and rich speech belongs. Travel from one end of the country to the other and indulge the native folk in random speech and I can guarantee you will be blown away. And have you heard us speak English? WOW! Just WOW! True, we may have a Mirundi murdering the Queen’s language here or a Sseya raping Her Majesty’s lingo but overall, we do speak some very fine English this side of the world.

Uglish-spoken-here

One or two Universities might need to have this put up

Ugandan Girls run the good looks business

Do not be deceived by the somewhat unconvincing Ugandan girls who feature at the Miss World beauty pageant or the slightly off colour contestants we send to Big Brother. Those are just but our average people. We are very beautiful people here in Uganda and we are not afraid to stake claim. At the risk of sounding biased, I will say this with extreme confidence; Ugandan ladies are some of the finest ladies in the world. And this is not just because they are mostly drop dead gorgeous and well curved but also because a good number have got brains to match the rather killer looks. You will see them at a distance, get blown away by their break-taking natural forms and then get close and get dumbfounded by their brilliance, humour and intellect. Uganda women are simply the truth! And I haven’t said anything about how they dance like strippers, walk like models and sing like fat women. And you know what they say about good dancers when it comes to matters of the sack; they can dance their way to an orgasm with so much ease one wonders why other women even bother chasing after Ugandan men. We are all taken by queens who are too good at the game the rules have to be changed – just for them.

Komuntale-Ruth.

Look at this dangerously gorgeous Ugandan Specimen over here

We have a wonderful small little family here

Uganda is fairly a small country despite the fact that we are in the business of working hard to over populate this exploding little piece of land. This small size of the country means that we are not as many as the citizens of other countries. This essentially means that we are a closer knit country and we tend to have relations spread all over the country. Once you have gone through the education system from the very bottom all the way to University, it is rare for you to go a day without meeting someone from your past. That is how closely knit a society we are. Also, when you do something in private with one person and they share it with another person, there is a huge chance the whole country will get to know it. We share information with zeal and enthusiasm. We live to gossip and occasionally we gossip to live. We create whatsapp groups, Facebook groups and Twitter Cliques to discusss our neighbours, work mates, ex partners and relatives.

Truth

 

And this is how it usually starts

But of course there are other reasons

Before I started writing out this Blog, I had well over 45 reasons I had jotted down to prove that my Ugandan Pride was never in question and some of them include the Uganda Cranes who are always almost qualifying for the AFCON until mathematics happens, the wonderful education system that will let you graduate with beautiful English and numerous friends but no job, the excess peace that we enjoy so much that we want to export some of it to Somalia and Congo as well as the great entertainement scenet that is bursting with too many upcoming artists they need a political party. Let’s just say there is a lot of madness, confusion and near mayhem in Uganda but I love every little single bit of it and I would never trade it in for anything else. So as Independence day closes in, I would like to take this opportunity to remind my Government that we may exchange insults, argue, draw weapons, even make empty threats, but ultimately, I love this beautiful country Uganda; the Pearl of Africa.

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I’ll have one of these flying around for a while

“Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it….” ― George Bernard Shaw

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

Hooping It Up

Whenever there is an upcoming event in Kampala, there is usually a level of near euphoria in the run up to the D-Day. Outfits are prepared in advance, partners are booked, relationships are started (and some ended), budgets are laid out and people generally mark out strategies for how they will take part in the event – no one wants to be left out or behind. The modern day person calls it FOMO and it can consume you like a bush fire spreading through a dry forest located in an oil well.

Fomo

It is a known medical condition

On a number of occasions, this FOMO is quite worthless, utterly nonsensical and generally a waste of time because the event may turn out to be a total bore. I have been victim to one or two of these and sometimes I end up regretting whey I even borrowed money to be a part of the event. There are times however when at the end of the event one looks back and nods in approval because the event was worth the FOMO.

Under the umbrella of 40 Days Over 40 Smiles Foundation, a couple of pro-active youth have somewhat mastered the art of pulling off some of the most epic events. These guys usually organize fun events with an aim of gathering funds for Charity. As someone who has a deep liking for fun events and an even deeper liking for charity, these events are usually something I look forward to with great anticipation and excitement.

The guys at 4040 have organized an event dubbed #Hoops4Grace slated for 4th October with the aim of raising funds for Akiba Children’s Home – a home for children suffering from Cancer. On any given weekend, people in Kampala are never short of events and while there will be several other events happening on the same day, a wise person would mark their calendar with #Hoops4Grace as opposed to other events.

I shall present my case for this brilliant suggestion.

The fun Crowd, bootiful ladies and interesting young men

Ugandans are generally the kind of people who will create a fun crowd whether it is at a wedding, concert, accident scene or funeral. We may not have turned up in the thousands at Chris Martin’s concert or at General Mega Dee’s album launch but it is safe to say that we are generally a fun crowd. The fun crowd at #Hoops4Grace will most likely have several well endowed ladies looking to let some fresh air into their interestingly curvaceous bodies. It is also likely that there will be some fine young well groomed gentlemen looking to take some much needed time away from their mortgaged bungalows and office desks.

Crowd

Of course there will be delicious food 

Family Day Out

When the words ‘family day out’ are mentioned, what usually comes to mind are the over aged kids at the bouncy castles, little children wailing while pointing at ice cream stalls, pretty little face painted girls and confused parents running around after their mischievous little ones. Well, all this and more will be present at the #Hoops4Grace event this Weekend. Oh, and while still on the subject of families, it is greatly advisable that parents who want their children to turn out fine and healthy are better off coming down to Bush Court for the event. Yes – the event shall be at Bush Court Kololo near Kampala Parents School; and NO – Bushcourt is not some kind of Bush. Yes, there is a basketball Court and a field of sorts but the bush has since been cleared. So parents need not worry about their children disappearing into bushes.

Hoops

Teach the little ones to be Charitable

But of course there will be Basketball

Actually, basketball is the whole point of the event. #Hoops4Grace is basically a fun basketball event where teams will compete against each other to see who emerges victorious. Along the way, there is bound to be a couple of females looking so gorgeous the opponents totally lose focus. There might also be guys so unfit they will be allowed several breaks just so they catch their breath. Yes – females will be playing too. Basically each team will have a mix of both male and female players and while several gentlemen are already grinning at the prospect of touching bodies with females, one must remember that the whole world will be watching so no funny games will be tolerated.

Basketball

It’s going down!! 

Then there is the music

While I am an expert at having fun and making merry with or without music, I have to admit that events with no (or boring) music usually make me want to rip my nonexistent hair out. With the right kind of music, I can be lured into anything from giving out my bank details to falling in love. There is going to be a lineup of DJs who will be playing music this weekend and as a person who absolutely loves good music, I will probably be getting one or two autographs from the Disc Masters. I mean, who does not want to rub shoulders with these disc spinners who seem to attract females faster than a shrewd business man can attract profits.

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We will definitely Turn Down For What! 

The Trophy plan

I am a little fuzzy on the details of how huge or spectacular the trophy for the winning team shall be but from what I gather, the losing teams will have real reason to be jealous. While the event is dubbed a fun event aimed at raising funds for Charity, there is a fair chance that one or two teams will have their eyes solely focused on the trophy. I have personally spent a few hours on the basketball court trying to polish up on my rather shaky and questionable basketball skills. The point is to make sure that come Saturday, I will not be stretchered off by the medics for running out of breath and fainting on court. What if my future wife is in attendance and writes me off as a man who cannot last the distance? Not a chance!

crying-man2-290x290

And in case your team loses, do not cry. It is all for charity.

Being part of a Noble Cause

It is very easy to focus on the fun part of events like #Hoops4Grace while forgetting the actual purpose of the whole event. The proceeds from the event shall be dedicated to putting up a playground, repairing and repainting Akiba Foundation; a home for children who are receiving cancer treatment. It is sad to see an old person suffer from cancer. It is even more heartbreaking to see a child struggle and fail to smile because of the pain and suffering brought on by cancer. Anything one can do to create a smile on such a child’s face is something that will probably get a round of applause from any sane person.

Hoops for grace

 

The task is pretty simple then, get your mates together, form a team, come down to Bushcourt this Saturday and get your behind whooped as you give to charity.

you

I will see YOU this Saturday!

“A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.” ― Jack London

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

Dirt on Amama?

In the past 3 or 4 days, I have received seven emails from ardent readers of this Blog, something that rarely happens. Now while I appreciate readers getting in touch, I was somewhat taken aback by this strange happening. Don’t get me wrong, I have ardent readers, many of whom are really just sympathetic friends with very little choice when it comes to reading my Blog but hey, they are readers all the same. However, these readers rarely email and when they do, it is just a small compliment here, a grammatical correction there or a worthless disagreement but generally nothing of very substantial note. So receiving seven emails with a similar subject “Your Blog” I felt like something huge was happening or about to happen.

I was excited to receive email from readers but when I analysed the emails, it dawned on me that maybe this email idea had been orchestrated by the same person – which didn’t do my inflated ego much boost at the time but really got me wondering why this person had insisted on using different accounts to send me emails talking about the same thing.

This guy was asking (through his various email addresses) that I do a piece on John Patrick Amama Mbabazi and ‘his evils’. He was even generous enough to share a brief list and added in one of the emails that in case I needed more information I could get in touch with him. Now before I even go further with this Blog post, I have to admit that I have a soft spot for Patrick. And so I replied each of the emails with a very simple ‘No’. Of course there was all this rubbish I added about how I do not like to discuss people’s lives and how I am not a journalist to give an informed view about the former PM and his employment ‘evil ways’. I may or may not have added a question of my own; something about the email sender(s) using another blogger for such ludicrious ideas as soiling the image of Patrick.

However I had to clear the air for the sender(s) of the emails and offer reasons why I cannot do a piece on my friend Patrick’s evils – if any.

Patrick is a cool guy

Have you seen the way this guy called John Patrick Amama Mbabazi carries himself around in public? Have you seen how crisp, neat and tidy his suits are? The only other two people I know who come close to suiting up the way Patrick does are; my friend on TV Maurice Mugisha and my other lawyer friend Muchakaze. They totally have the suit memo pinned on the noticeboards of their lives. Truth is I never want to dress like such men. The times I have worn a suit in my life can be counted off the fingers of one hand. The only times I am 100% sure I will ever wear a suit again will be on my wedding (which may or may not happen) and on my funeral (it appears customary to be buried in an expensive suit so a good chunk of my life’s savings are going to this cause). Other than that, I am not too keen on the suit. However, I totally admire and respect Maurice, Amama and Muchakaze. Their style is so awesome. There is therefore no way I am going to write anything bad about Amama when he embodies a smart, elegant and composed man. Not now, not ever!

SuitEven in his moments of tranquility Patrick is ever so neat and tidy.

Patrick and I are friends … sort of

Patrick and I are actually buddies. Before you disregard this seemingly wild allegation, please hear me out. Patrick does not know me in person. I even doubt he knows any of my relatives (close and distant) or friends. However, quite strangely, the former Prime Minister John Patrick Amama Mbabazi actually follows me on Twitter. Boom! I know what you are thinking – that I am probably making this up. No; really, go check. He and I follow each other on Twitter. Occasionally I say hello to him and guess what, he responds right back – with very articulate and well constructed English any Grammar Nazi would make a salute right away. This Amama-and-I-following-each-other thing may not sound like a big deal because he follows 1,125 other Tweeps. Also, I am fully aware that I cannot walk into the Bank and use Amama’s Twitter follow back as security for a bank loan but hey, it is the closest I will probably ever get to royalty. So forgive me for not wanting to say anything foul about my friend from Twitter.

card

I won’t be too shocked to receive one of these at the end of this year

Shya! Others have gone too

In one of the emails, I was asked to put out a blog ridiculing Patrick for losing the PM job and calling him all sorts of things from a weakling to an unfocussed politician. However, if my memory serves me right, I believe Patrick is not the first PM this country has had, neither will he be the last. Amama is now in the fine company of former PMs that include Benedicto Kiwanuka, Milton Obote, Otema Allimadi, Paulo Muwanga, Abraham Waligo, Samson Kisekka, George Cosmas Adyebo, Kintu Musoke and Apolo Nsibambi. Some may have long passed on but it is safe to say that these were all brilliant brains. Patrick was PM for 3 years and 117 days which by all standards was a good enough time to go down as a fairly long term. Besides, it was unlikely he would be PM forever, right?

TightWe’ve come too far to throw away our friendship

The issue of Presidency

It is somewhat impossible to talk about John Patrick Amama Mbabazi without talking about the issue of presidency. I know two friedns who have resigned themselves to not discussing presidency because according to them Uganda is now a monarch. Other than these two, the rest of us like to think that in 2016 or 2021 (or whenever Mr. 1986 relinquishes power) a suitable replacement will have to be found. Now before anyone can start saying that I am endorsing Amama, I would like to say this out loud – I am curious to see what happens in 2016. If Amama vies for presidency like many journalists seem to propose then we should see some really healthy battle. If he does not, I will be keen to see whose behind he follows seeing as he seems to have a substantial following himself. So, again, there is no way this will happen if we go around investing our time and resources in mudslinging and sharing nasty secrets that may or may not be true.

Cartoon-fight

It will be nice to see the Politicians go at each other in 2016

So No dirt on Patrick?

That’s right – none whatsoever. I actually like Patrick despite the fact that every time I see him smile I feel like someone somewhere is either losing a life or a job. He seems like a real schemer that one; the type of guy that can plan your death with you right there in front of him. But then again, like I mentioned at the beginning, I have grown fond of him so much that I would probably bet my left arm that he is a spotless person. Don’t worry – I don’t use my left hand too much anyway.N

1

No left hand? No problem.

Oh and in case anyone runs into Patrick, pass on my regards and let him know that I wish him all the best in his endeavors. While everyone is quick to start digging up dirt on him, I will be among the few who will fight temptation and not beat up a man when he is down. And just so we are clear, he is down but he is certainly not out – I think.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

 

Reverse Universe

In this universe of ours, there are things that we consider the norm and the accepted way of life. A child is born, they look ugly, they cry, they grow up, become better looking along the way, then they become a nuisance to the society. They then grow too big headed to live with their parents so they move out, meet another grown up parent-deserter (usually of the opposite sex) and start a family. Then they too bear children who also go through the same process and end up populating the world without changing too many rules. Occasionally there are rules that are bent to the point of breaking but overall, this is the way the human race has been able to survive from time immemorial.

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Children turn into rebellious young humans before also ageing 

The other day while I was seating at Javas waiting for a friend to pass by and clear my bill because I was broke, a thought crossed my mind. You see, my mind usually strays far off the ordinary path and conjures up the most unfortunate and twisted scenarios. I got to wondering what would be a likely scenario in case we were living in a reverse universe. For instance what if we started out old, aged backwards and ended up entering our mothers’ wombs to eventually disappear back into our fathers’ loins. I know what you must be saying – this is redundant thinking. Maybe it is, but then again, before you shove this away as utter rubbish (which it quite possibly could be) please hear me out.

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Don’t tell me to shut up!

If we were living in a reverse or parallel world, I am confident we’d be a much more organized group of people and we would probably treat the world and ourselves with softer hands. It would be an interesting world, to say the least.

Wars, What for?

Assuming we were living in this reverse world where we started out old then ended up as babies, there is a chance we’d have very few wars or none at all. No one would want to kill random people because hey, the person you want to do away with today might turn out to be a close relative in the future; worse still – your parent! No one would want to end up a baby with no mother so it is quite possible people would not be too keen to engage in wars. Everyone would want to have a worthwhile childhood with both parents around to look after them, hug them, cherish them and basically provide for them. For this reason alone, no one would want to kill another person for fear of actually eliminating someone who might eventually play a role in your birth (would it still be birth? We’d probably have a different word like Return).

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Imagine crawling back into your mother … 

The school situation

As expected, the older people would have more knowledge and information and therefore would need to go to school so they can unlearn this information. Those blessed (or for this matter cursed) with a lot of knowledge would have to go through various institutions of learning so they can unlearn this information. Interesting, right? And the uneducated ones would simply laze around and enjoy their lives as they count down to the return. Many people would therefore prefer to start out poor and uneducated because that way, they would not need to go through all the various stages of education to unlearn all the information they had in their big brains and to return the massive wealth they are cursed with.

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Uneducated Relaxation

 Entertainment things

Imagine a scenario where someone has to sit in front of a TV so the TV can watch him. And the TV would cough out instructions every after a few minutes for how someone must position themselves. If you are the kind of person who spends many hours in front of the TV or computer right now, you will be in big trouble in the reverse universe because there, you will be required to spend just as many hours in front of the TV but this time not to your benefit but to that of the TV Set or the computer. As for people who are always scrolling down their phones, there would be a real challenge there. The phone would demand that you slide here, press that, click the other, download this; all this because of your love for the mobile phone. Now wouldn’t that be something!

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Who is the slave now!

 The Question of Dating

The current scenario when it comes to dating is that you start out by dating someone you may not really like that much and then end up with the person you have to spend the rest of your life with. Imagine a situation where you start out with the person you love the most and then slowly go down towards the people you may not really like that much. As for the break ups, imagine a situation where a relationship begins with a heart break and then ends when you are falling for someone. Woah!! This is twisted. You start out with someone you have children with and then end up with someone you can’t stand but must tolerate simply because you have become young and naïve.

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The struggle would be real

The Issue of Memory

Old people have many memories, both happy and sad. Imagine a situation where you start out with these memories and then slowly, they get erased from your mind as you grow younger. Your memory slowly has bits and pieces snuffed out as you grow younger and some of these probably having been dear to you.  Older people would envy young people because young people do not have too many worries to deal with. These is kind of already the situation but in the reverse world, older people would work towards growing young so they would probably ask for advice from the young people on how to do things and how to experience life. And in a strange twist, young people would probably be heroes and inspirations looked up to by the older people. The younger one is, the more inspiring they are. Interesting!

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Young children would be professors 

What about death?

As for the issue of death, I assume there would be a standard age from where we all begin. For instance if everyone started out as a weak and frail 100-year-old person, they would then grow younger as the days go by. Along the way there would be risk of death before one reaches their standard age of return. This is a scary prospect because while some people will start out at 100 and die at just the very old age of 99, others would live to see out all their 100 years. Eh! Strange just.

While I was thinking of these bizarre and strange things, someone walked up to me with a bill. And then I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be awesome if I started out full and then left Javas hungry? And hey, I would not need to spend anything, these guys would be paying me to come here and become hungry. Ah!

“Everything you can imagine is real.”  ― Pablo Picasso

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Census Notes

While people in other parts of the world were going on with their boring and event-less lives, Ugandans for the past several days have been witnessing an interesting event known as the National Census. Now if you skipped Civics and Social Studies lessons back in Primary, you might not know what exactly this census was/is. If you are familiar with the Bible, you probably will remember the census from the book of Numbers and also around the time of Jesus’ birth. However, to make things less obscure for you, I shall help you understand the census.

The National Census was an event that involved counting all people within Uganda’s borders and it was conducted by strangely dressed Government representatives who moved from one place to another skipping over puddles, going through alleys and navigating their way from one village to another. I was not counted for reasons I am yet to find out but it is safe to say that most of the people I know were counted.

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No, Mr President; I haven’t been counted. 

I happen to personally know 3 people who played the role of enumerator and prior to the enumeration; I had asked them to take notes as they went about their census dealings. The plan was to share these findings with the awesome readers of this Blog. Last night they shared their notes with me and I am more than glad to share them with you. I must warn you though that there are some really bizarre findings.

Pauline in Rukungiri

Pauline did her enumeration somewhere in Western Uganda – Rukungiri District to be exact. Some of the homes she approached were not too enthusiastic about the census in the first place. One man feared that the counting was because the Government was planning to engage in a war and therefore needed to know how many casualties it would have to deal with. Another was worried that the NRM Gov’t was leaving power soon and needed to know for sure the economic situation of the people it was leaving behind. One of the families welcomed Pauline rather well, then each of the members laid hands on her – for exorcism. Apparently an evil demon had possessed the Gov’t and was consequently spreading around through the enumerators. One of the homes had a single father who kept grinning at Pauline the whole time she was asking questions. The guy later confessed that he was thankful to God for finally answering his prayer for a new mother to his two sons, and the Lord had done it through the Gov’t; Pauline was about to become a new mother and wife.

VisionHeading out to enumerate crazy Ugandans 

Julius in Banda

Julius did his enumeration in Kampala where it would be expected that the majority of the people were educated, informed and less prone to having strange assumptions. But Alas! People in Kampala were no strangers to weird assumptions and as Julius revealed, some of them were really ridiculous. Somewhere in Banda, a family locked all their doors and windows when Julius was spotted approaching. The old man of the home was not interested in revealing his family’s possessions to a Gov’t that was ‘in the hands of thieves’. Apparently there is so much corruption going on that the Gov’t has run out of money to steal and is therefore now embarking on stealing people’s property. Before this can be done though, the Gov’t but must first find out which citizens are worth robbing. Another person (still in Banda) was short of hurling stones at Julius. This person (who was later restrained by neighbours) was positive that his ex-wife had orchestrated the whole thing. Apparently after their divorce, the ex-wife did not get as much property as she had wanted and therefore sent this random enumerator to help her fight the battle. Just when I thought this was probably bizarre, Julius shared a story of a household somewhere in Kyambogo where the father insisted that his daughters would not be counted. In his opinion, if the girls are to fetch proper bride price in the future, they ought to be hidden away from the public so they can blossom. Julius was part of the public and had to be warded off at all costs.

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And then some families deployed angry dogs

Monica in Nebbi

Monica’s enumeration was somewhere in West Nile Region in Nebbi District. Monica encountered a number of problems including one of the homes not wanting her to leave because they felt that finally the Gov’t had remembered them and they were not going to let Monica leave until their problems of water, the fallen electricity pole and too many witch doctors were answered. Monica was therefore held captive for a little while until a few phonecalls and 1 or 2 cops later she was allowed to go. In one of the villages, Monica was received with what seemed like a real party. Everyone was dressed in what might have easily been their best clothes and the mother was particularly full of smiles. After a heavy and sumptuous meal, Monica got down to asking the questions – at which point everyone appeared shocked. They did not expect this pretty woman named Monica to start asking questions when she had been sent by the Lord to offer them salvation. Yes;  they thought Monica had been sent by the Lord himself. Turns out the father had had a dream about God sending an Angel; Monica and she was supposed to deliver the family from the apathy they had been languishing in for a while.

Yusuf in Nakasongola

Yusuf did his enumeration somewhere near the shores of Lake Kyoga, in a district called Nakasongola.  In a village called Galiraya, which is greatly a fishing community, most of the people’s assumptions were based around their favourite activity – fishing. In one of the homes, Yusufnwas asked about the contents of the bag he was carrying. Apparently the village had been told that Gov’t officials were coming to deliver wonderful fishing nets and it seemed like Yusuf had been sent to do just that. They even went ahead to state the problems they were facing with the fishing, right from the fewer varieties of fish to the overfishing by certain people in the village. In one of the villages, it became apparent that Yusuf had been sent by the Gov’t to settle a feud that had existed for several months. Both families felt they had rights to fish in a certain area of the lake. Yusuf did settle the feud but with more than just a chuckle being held back. One of the funniest stories in Yusuf’s notes was of a woman and her two sons who had religious reasoning behind refusal to be counted. Apparently they belonged to a sect that was totally against this census. Their gospel preached that the census would be conducted by the devil himself and therefore Yusuf was seen as Lucifer in the form of a strong, sturdy and well built man.

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And then they ran away from Lucifer

Reading through the notes from my enumerator friends, I can safely say that certain Ugandans are not just hilarious people but people with minds that are strangely creative. And while this blog post might seem to state that Ugandans are crazy people (which we are), one must not forget that these were but a few cases of people with bizarre assumptions about the census. The vast majority who were far from crazy, simply welcomed the enumerators, answered their questions, and went on with their lives – and so must you, after reading this Blog Post.

Winnie

My friend Winnie in Kiwatule even treated her enumerator guest to juice

“The true test of civilization is, not the census, nor the size of the cities, nor the crops, but the kind of man that the country turns out.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter